My Dose struggle

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Sorry for all the typos. Keys are stuck...

Your right, I do regret telling her I started this.
But its nice for her to see, I'm clean many months now, and she's getting deeper and deeper in an addiction she has no idea how it's going to effect her . No idea. She thinks she can just stop. Like when she was on cocaine/crack. Nope, this is a whole different animal.

I also have told very few people.
Which is how it should be. No one's business but our own !

Hope your all having a beautiful Sunday. It's so nice here in my area !

Dee
Good morning to you too. I tried methadone as well in one of my early attempts at recovery. For me it was a complete disaster, but I don't blame the medication, like my first attempt with sub I simply wasn't ready. You are absolutely correct in saying that nothing can make you recover but your own willingness. No matter what road you take, recovery is hard work and if you're not willing to put the work in nothing will change. I am so glad to see that there are actually people out here who understand that. I really worry about people when they just don't seem motivated to change.

As for the meetings, it is going slow, but anything worth doing is worth doing well. We are taking our time with developing a format. We don't want it to turn into a meeting place for people to trade meds and we also don't want to exclude anyone who would like to participate. In our area, people are starting to abuse suboxone more and more and we are trying to be careful that we don't attract that kind of element. I know that no matter what happens, people will abuse the meetings because they do with the NA meetings. We are thinking of starting the first meeting in our local behavioral health center, because the only people who can attend meetings there are the people who are receiving treatment. It limits the number of people we can reach, but I think that it would be a good place to start and work out the kinks.

Thanks for checking on the progress. Hopefully all will go well and we can start having community meetings soon. We did come up with a name, Medication Assisted Recovery Anonymous. We thought about Suboxone Assisted Recovery Anonymous, but we don't want to exclude methadone patients.

Monica

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Monica,
That is wonderful news about starting a meeting. It's also a great name for it. Sounds like lots of thought has gone into this..Good for you.

It's true that no matter what group you belong to you will always see someone using. I use to go crazy with one guy that we all knew was smoking pot but he constantly was trying to tell others how to stay clean. I finally figured some of that out. It was a AA meeting so to him he wasn't drinking. My therapist once told me,Don't hide behind the AA ppl.Meaning just because you go to AA doesn't make it right to take pills.

I spent many years in AA mostly b/c I felt more comfortable there and where I was going there were ppl with a drinking and drug problem.

Dee,as you know my son has played around with the drugs on and off.He thinks since he holds a job and makes good money that he is in control. I just let him think whatever it is he needs to think. He knows to come to me when he gets enough of it.
He also knows not to come around me if he is messed up. His wife is a wjhole different issue.

cajunme,

I hate to hear that your son is using. My mom is also in active addiction. She uses the justification of migraine headaches to get her meds from a dr., but I know the real story. I hope that at some point she may want to change her life before it is too late. Her sister is also an addict who is currently incarcerated. For a long time, I used my upbringing as an excuse to stay in my addiction, but I finally realized that the only person who could change me was me and I also realized that I was giving my kids the same example I had. I hope that I can end the cycle with me. They say our kids do as we do and not as we say, so hopefully since they never saw me use, I can be a positive role model for them. I plan on telling them the truth about my struggle when they're old enough to understand and I hope that they can learn from my mistakes. I worry alot because I used throughout my pregnancies, and although none of them show any negative effects now and none of them was actually born addicted, I'm afraid that if they experiment like most kids do it won't end well. All I can do is pray for the best. At least I know what to look for and I'm also very careful when they have dental work or whatever that the dr. doesn't prescribe opiates. Also, their pediatrician is completely aware of the past and helps me keep a watch for physical problems. Speaking of dr.s prescribing, when my oldest had his teeth capped at 4 years old they tried to give him morphine before he even woke up. They weren't even going to wait to see if he was in pain or if he could handle the pain if he was. I can't get over how careless medical professionals are. They hand out high powered opiates like m&ms then take no responsibility for the fallout. I'm not trying to blame anyone but I do think that something should be done to stop physicians, psychiatrists, dentists, etc. from prescribing so many narcotics to patients who truly don't need them. They should harbor some of the responsibility for the monster they are helping to create. In the area I live in the primary drugs being abused are prescription pain killers and benzos. If the dr.s would stop writing so many scripts, there wouldn't be so many available. I know that an addict will find a way, but so many people get addicted without ever having to buy anything from the streets, that I just think if drs had to answer for inappropriate prescriptions maybe it would help.

cajunme,
I hope that post didn't sound as if I was blaming you for your son. If it came across that way it wasn't intended to offend at all. That's the only thing I hate about online cause I'm always worried that I might offend.

Monica,
I like the name for your group and it includes all medication assisted recovery that is a plus as well.
I have a feeling your going to be a great success.

I have 6 children, 4 daughter from my 1st marriage, they were all raised by their grandparents. They were ages 10, 8, 6, and 2 when my ex in laws started raising them. Their dad was also an addict/alcoholic so they didn't really see much of him. When we were married they saw a lot of him hitting me and that's most of what they remember about me as I left the state soon afterward to get away from their dad.
They were brought up in a strict enviroment, no drugs and alcohol only on holidays.

My son is my youngest and has another sister who went to live with her grandmother when their dad passed away. My daughter was 7 and my son was 6. (he stayed with me)

My son saw a lot of what he should never have had to see. Moving from place to place with a mom who was in treatment more than she was out. He saw first hand what drugs can do.

Out of the older girls, 2 of them are fine.The other two- One is an opiate addict in treatment with Methadone, the other has 3 children and one on the way, she is also an alcoholic and addicted to cocaine.
Just recently I was told she is in a shelter for battered women, her son lives with the grandmother that raised her and her two daughters, she just put into a home for children.

My other daughter, my son's sister lives out west. She went through her share of experimenting but is now non drinking and attending college.

My son, is scared to death to even take a pain pill. He won't take anything stronger than ibuprofen. When he broke his wrist he turned down everything the doctor offered. When he was about 16 he did experiment with pot and didn't like it so that was the end of that. he refuses to go around anyone when they are drinking and anyone who does pills he has made it clear he doesn't want them around him. Friend or not.
He is also afraid for me, it scares him that I've been in and out of recovery so many times I think it sits in the back of his head that one day it may happen again. A few times I've had to go to the ER for my heart and whenever the doctor would bring in medication he would ask him what it was.
I hate it that I have done this to him. He shouldn't have to worry about his mother and instead be enjoying life.
I do have him in counseling and I hope that one day he can talk to his counselor about my drug use. So far he says everything is okay that he had a good childhood but I know different and that kills me. I still carry a lot of guilt and am thankful I have a patient counselor.

I used to think if a child was raised in a using home, they would also use. But I'm not so sure anymore. I have to wonder how much is passed down through our genes and how much is environmental. When I started posting I didn't realize I was going to gone on about my life but it must be something I had to get out and talk about so I am grateful that all of you are here to listen.
Thank you! It's getting later in the afternoon and I still have to straighten out the mess I made of a few threads, I will see you all at the chat if I am a few minutes late, I will be there. Group ends at 6:30
Dee

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Monica,I didn't take it as you were blaming me. Trust me,I"ve blamed myself many times.

Actually,when my kids were young I didn't use. My oldest is 42 and my son is 38.
I didn't get crazy till 20yrs ago. 20yrs full blown addict. I'm shocked I'm still alive. For real.

He thinks that as long as he is living good that he has it under control. The first time I was on Suboxone he kept saying it was a form of Herion. This time he thinks I quit on my own and I have no intentions of telling him or his wife differently. His wife is another story.I've had to cut away from them. I go get my grandson and don't hang around. My daug in law and I used together some in the past. When I was told the first time to cut away from her,I said,no way can I do that. This time I didn't think twice about cutting away.
That's a story all in itself.

Dee,
Wow, you really do have a story to tell. That genetics thing is what scares me with my kids. I know that I'm doing the right thing for them now, but the fact is that because of my disease they were exposed to opiates inutero. Like I said, by God's grace, all of them were born clean, but with such a history of addiction in my family I'm scared for them. All I can do is pray, and I know that if they do venture down the hellish road of addiction I will have the ability to give them the hand up they will need to get into recovery. My oldest son is 9, my daugter is 7 and my youngest son is 5. My dad had them until my youngest was 1 so fortunately even the oldest never saw me use or under the influence. My dad is a saint and I don't know where I would be without him. He always allowed me to be in my children's lives and I can't thank him enough for that. The only problem we have now is him backing off and letting me be the parent, but we are all adjusting and in time I know all will be well. My mom is still in active addiction and I pray that she will get it some time.

Cajunme,
It was 20 years for me too. That's why I do so much work with addiction in my community. I want other people to have access to the resources I needed and couldn't find because they simply weren't there. As for your son, it sounds like he needs to get educated about recovery and maintenance meds and you probably are right for not telling them. He would probably argue with you anyway and wouldn't hear what you say.

Monica,
We all have our story and endings. I have been fortunate enough to have a second chance with my daughters. After loosing touch with them they found me on Facebook and we have started working on our relationships. Some are going better than others but it is a start.
I have hope that one day I will be able to see them in person.
My heart breaks for what my daughter is going through (the one in the shelter) and I wish she would have went to family before putting her daughters in a group home.

Here in the town that I live in, we are opening up a new treatment facility. It is planned to be a wrap around type where people can not only get treatment with Suboxone and Methadone but tend to medical issues as well. They are calling it a hub and spoke model. Right now they are in the stage of trying to find a place to put it. We have a lot of places where I believe it would be a good fit but some of the community isn't 100% sure.
Everyone agrees that we do need something but at the same time there is some NIMBY gong on.
One thing we need more than anything is EDUCATION about addiction. I went to the last meeting for the facility and one man in the audience said that our addiction problem lies within the department of education. He went on to say that, "Those people in jail that are addicts are uneducated and since someone needs to take responsibility it should be the department of education. So to him what he was saying is that addicts are a bunch of illiterates. Never mind the fact that many addicts are well educated, and come from all walks of life and different occupations.


I'm still steaming over his speech. I am so glad my son wasn't at the meeting, he was angry enough when I told him what went on. Since seeing what I went through and living it so much of his younger years he sees what treatment can do and how badly it is needed.

I admire you for getting involved in your community, I know is isn't an way task and it takes someone with a special compassion and understanding. Be very proud of yourself for what you are doing.

dee,

My community is the same way. They assume that all addicts are illiterate fools, but they sure don't mind to take my tax dollars, guess they aren't stamped or something. Other than that they have started a well meaning but horribly designed drug court. I do my best to deal with the fallout. For so long I was part of the problem and now I hope to be part of the solution. I'm getting a degree in psychology so that I can help more on the professional side of treatment. We are also going to meet with the prosecutor to start working the kinks out of drug court. They need to allow people to learn how to make decisions instead of putting them on curfew and trying to completely control them. People need to learn that you can't legislate recovery. It works for a while but when the control is gone most of the time so is the recovery. I know from experience. So many dragons to slay, but it keeps me busy and keeps me grateful for my recovery and for the road I no longer have to travel. I do it all in the memory of my sister because the disease took her, not an od but side effects. I'm so glad that I found this site because for now it is the only place I can openly discuss suboxone.

After our last meeting my sister in law and I had the opportunity to talk to the mayor of our town. We were talking about the clinic that is to be opened and he told us that when he took office he had the idea in his head that drug addition was something you controlled by locking addicts away for their crimes without the benefit of treatment.
Now however he has changed his views. He said it was some of the members of our local police department that taught him locking addicts away is not the answer but treatment is necessary. He also went on to say that he would like to see everyone educated on the subject of drug addiction/treatment.

Recovery month is coming up in September and this could be a great way to give awareness. You can check out the Recovery Month website by going to: http://www.recoverymonth.gov/
If your town is planning any activities let me know and I will be glad to announce it on our main website.

I am glad our here, I really am. The more people we have the more we can help. There are so many people out there who think they are alone and need a place where they can come and talk about whats going on in their lives. You are a great asset to this group as all of our wonderful members who have been posting. Can you imagine how many people have been helped just by reading the posts?
Enjoy your day Monica. Will you be at the chat tonight? 7:30 pm eastern
Dee

My husband is currently being a pain in my @ss so I don't know if I will be at the chat. We are doing a recovery walk in September. It's the 4th annual. I will get you some more info on date location and time when we get it set in stone.

Okay that's great. It's okay about the chat, you can only do what you can do. There is always Monday and again next Thursday.
Have a good evening Monica

I was doing so well on 12mg. I was. Really.

Then I let things bother me, and stress me and I "imagine" I need more. I ended up taking a 2mg more in the late afternoon a few times during this past week.
Between my daughter breaking her foot, and stress that went with that, I messed up.

I wont let that get me down, and it's not even a big deal really. I'm still doing great, I'm still not in active addiction, I'm still working out.

I do honestly believe 12mg is good for me at this point.

I won't go back up like I had let myself last time.

Chat was great Thursday night. I do hope more people show up MONDAY, but as far the people that were there, we all had a great conversation. And I'm sure the others would agree.

Blue. Just read this. Personally, I don't split the pills evenly because I break them. Sometimes my dose is a little more or a little less depending on how accurately I break the pill. Last nite, I believe I took a little more than usual because I was sitting in a dark auditorium. But today, right back to my usual. What is working so well for me is 1 1/2 in the am and then a quarter around 6pm. I think in a week or so I'm going to try to stop that last quarter at 6pm. I don't think I need it. it may be more of a security blanket. I may go to 1 3/4 every morning and skip evening. Then once I am taking it all in the am, slowly move to 1 1/2 in morning. Thats all I'm thinking about now. I'll worry about the rest later on. So, sorry for my own rant (I just worked out the next few months of my life we you guys), but I think you are doing fine. Your not doing it everyday and your still new to recovery...your great.

Ladies of the september recovery walk. Whats that about? Is it in New England?

Jeanie,

That wasnt a rant, it's totally welome advice. I am like you, I know I don't need it, it's more of a crutch. What I was thinking is to trick myself, and take 10mg in the morning and if I need then 2mg in the afternoon, and then, like you, stop the 2mg and I'll be at 10mg.

You should look into getting a pill spliter, I bought one and it's great. They are at any CVS, or Walgreens, or any of those. You wont regret it !!!

I wanted to update my thread since my dose is getting to where I wanted it.

I am consistently taking 12mg ! Finally !
I tricked myself, though. I take 10mg in the morning and 2mg in the afternoon, when I "imagine" I need it.
I know it's not advised to dose more than once, but, here is a case where it does happen.
I'll work on it eventually, but I'm just happy I'm not at 14mg anymore.

At my last Doctor visit, he told me when I'm tapering, to go 1mg a month and I shouldnt feel a thing.
I will try that.
Soon.

I'm still working out at the Gym. And things at work are going alot better. We have a new manager and I had a good talk with her. She asked me where I see myself in a year. And I said, I see myself as Team Leader or Supervisor. So I've been working closely with my older sister who's been in management and in Human Resourses giving me tips on what to say !!! I NEED a change there or I'll go crazy.
I could go on and on about that. Maybe next post.

Thanks for listening !

Blue,
I'm so glad that things are going so well for you. It's amazing how quickly life improves when we settle in and really begin to work on our recovery. You are doing so well and I'm proud of you. I wouldn't worry about the dosing twice thing, but if it really bothers you, I have a trick for when I cut my dose down. Right before I get ready to drop, I cut the amount I plan on decreasing from my morning dose and take that amount in the afternoon for a couple of days. Then instead of taking the second dose I substitute an orange flavored chewable baby aspirin. It tricks my mind into thinking I'm taking the same dose...you know get's you buy that psychological barrier. Then after a couple of days I stop taking the aspirin, but I keep them handy in case I have a twinge later in the day. If the aspirin takes care of it then it is purely a psychological symptom and I haven't taken sub when I didn't need to. If the aspirin doesn't take care of it then I take a half of a quarter of a strip. So far it's worked for me. It's also how I got down to dosing one time a day. Give it a try. I think that the similarity of the two tastes tricks the brain or something. I'm not a doctor so if you are medically advised not to take aspirin for bleeding conditions or some alergy, of course you wouldn't want to take it. Also if you are taking other medications check to make sure it is safe for you to take aspirin.

I hope this helps you.

Much love my friend,
Monica

Great job Blue!
It sounds like everything is falling into place for you and that is wonderful. I am really happy for you.
Monica that is a good idea on the baby aspirin. I didn't think about that and the taste of the orange is similar.
I hope you both are having a good weekend. That goes for all of our members, enjoy the day and surround yourself with love.

Thank you Monica and Dee for your comments.

Monica, I like that idea of tricking my "addict brain" cause I totally know its in my head.
Also, I use to dose once a day, I had it down great. But, once I screwed it up, it literally took me like 3 months to get back on track, and I've only been on Suboxone 8 months.


I will keep that suggestion in mind though, thanks.

I have an appointment this coming Friday with my Sub doctor and I have a copy of my Lab results for him. He requested that I have a full blood/urine workup with my primary doctor. And after I picked up my report from that doctor I proudly showed my family my all NEGATIVE drug screen. I cant even remember the last time that would have happened. ALL negative, no opitates, no pot, no cocaine !!!!! My daughter made me laugh when she commented, "oh mom, negative cocaine" I said, yea, that's all well and good, but that wasnt my problem !!! Well, it was int he 80's but you know what I mean !!!!! I didnt tell HER that
she knows enough of my drug issues.

Well, we are getting ready to head out on the boat !
"see" you all tomorrow night !!

Blue, I remember my first "clean" screen. It was done right slap in the middle of the court house and I ended up getting community service instead of 6 years in the pokey cause it was all negative. It really is kinda euphoric when you realize that you can pee and it not have enough drugs in it to be considered possession of a controlled substance. Keep up the good work. I've seen a real change in you since I've been coming here and I'm sure your family has too. Congrats on the clean screen.

Much love,
Monica

Yes Blue!
Way to go, be very proud of yourself. You are doing an amazing job.

What a relief Monica, community service vs time to serve. That must have been a relief.
I hope that all of our reader's who read this forum and haven't gotten up the courage to join us or take the step into recovery will give it a try.
It make a difference!

It does make a big difference. For me staying out of the pokey was just one of the immediate benefits....the long term ones are too numerous to count. I receive blessings from my recovery every day of my life. In fact each day is a gift that has been given to me b/c of my recovery and my choice to seek treatment for my addiction. I know that without a doubt had I not stopped when I did, being behind bars would have been a God send and I most likely would have been dead in short order. I was in such poor physical health that I had seizures from the dehydration caused by w/ds my body was too weak to handle it. I was 5ft 7in and weighed 102 pounds when I checked into rehab. I could barely stand up b/c I simply didn't have the strength left in my muscles.

Today I am happy, healthy, and grateful for the second chance I was granted. I've went from death's door to relearning how to flip in the air on a trampoline. Not bad for a 36 year old junkie. My kids have a mother they can count on. My husband has a wife he can be proud of. My dad has the daughter he thought he would have to bury back. I can't say enough about how different my life is today compared to 14months ago. It took me 20 years to get where I was in my addiction and in a little over a year of recovery, I have cleared most of the wreckage I caused away. I've done most of my amends and live some of them every day. Recovery is wonderful....you just have to give it time to happen, and always remember to appreciate and recognize the small victories, b/c small victories will win the war with addiction.