My Story / My Struggle

Hello All, thanks for welcoming me to the site. I've read a few posts and felt my way around, this seems like the place to be if you've had or am having any kind of experience with subutex or suboxone.

I'm not sure where to start, of if this is even the tread to tell my complete story of how I became hooked on the medication. If it's not, forgive me moderators.

My name is Adonis and I'm 28 years old. I've been on suboxone for the past 3 years. I was first prescribed vicodin for pain management (2005) and switched from those to subs in 2007. I was a train wreck on vicodin, I was hooked and it was taking it's toll on my body and mind. I know I needed away from the drug but couldn't find any way of making the transition. I was told about this wonder drug called suboxone and asked my doctor about it.

Instantly, I was transitioning from a heavy vicodin addiction to subs with ease. For the first time in two years I was actually able to go more then 2 days without relapsing and falling back into the usually addiction. I praised suboxone and put it on a pedestal. I had no cravings or even withdrawals once I started this drug.

All went well for around 2 years, I was taking the doses are recommended (16MG) per day. I was active and able to enjoy life. Then, eventually, I noticed I became more and more dependent on this substance. I was starting to take more then the daily dosage. My tolerance sky rocketed and pretty quick I was running short of my months prescription and calling the refill in early.

This past year (year 3) has been a year of hell. I feel worse off then I did being on vicodin. The withdrawals, the dosage, the grip it has on my life outweighs in my view, the addiction I had prior. I recognized the problem and tried to find solutions. But how do you get help for something that is suppose to be the answer to all addictions? (well, not ALL addictions but you know what I mean). I thought to myself; Subs were the answer for opiate addiction, what are the answer for sub addiction? Still, I have no answer. Beside, quitting all together and no relying on a substance or medication to take it's place. Which, in reality, is only logical.

I've attempted 2 times to take myself off subs, both times I failed. Longest I made it was 11 days and the other 7. I had no knowledge of milligrams and how they played a major role in our bodies tolerance level and withdrawal process. Looking back, I jumped from 10Mg's a day and the other at 8Mg's a day. I know right, that's a high tolerance to quit cold turkey. Which is the reason the withdrawals became unbearable and I relapsed.

Now, currently however I've researched this drug specifically and I'm finding a lot of people found success in "tapering". Now, I know this is not for everyone and all of us are different. But I know the other measures I've tried, and they didn't work. This one, as far as I know seems to be one that is logical and realistic for me. So I'm hoping to succeed this time.

I am no longer prescribed the medication, and everything I've taken since Jan. 2010 has been found on the street. It is VERY expensive and not always available. There were countless times I'd go without having anything for at least 3 days. Either it wasn't available, or I had no money to afford them.

My motivation for finally making the choice to get clean is first: My freedom, I want to plan trips and events without worrying if I'll have enough pills or if I'll be ill through the events. 2. I want to get my life back, my friends and family know nothing of the extent of my addiction but see that I'm not always in the best moods and that I'm "hurting". So I want to do this so I can be more enjoyable around them. 3. Because I have no money to continue to afford this drug, it's wrecking my health and my finances.

So after carefully reading other peoples stories and taper methods, I've come to this agreement with myself. On Thurs (July 10th 2010) I had one (1) 8MG sub and (1) half of an 8MG pill. That's 12Mg's total. My daily tolerance level was at 4Mg's per day, which may be a lot or may be less .. I don't know. So with those 12Mg's I decided they were going to be my last. I broke the full sub up into 4 parts (2Mg's each) and decided to cut my current tolerance/dosage in half by 2Mg's. Take 2Mg's for 4 days then use the other 4Mg's and reduce my tolerance to 1MG per day before making my jump.

Remember, this was Thursday and it's early Sunday morning. I have 9Mg's left and I'm drastically reducing my tolerance and daily allowance. So far, my body has noticed the change. It's aching and craving more of the drug. I am determined to stick to this routine and not let me willpower be swayed or shaken.

I know based on what I've just told you all, it seems I have this all under control and my plan is concrete. However, I am human and I am also weak and vulnerable. As intelligent as I am, I'm also easily convinced. What I need mostly from you all is support, advice and knowledge. Also, someone to share my journey with. I realize this is going to be difficult and I'm in for a tough time, but I will tell you something, what people say does matter to me. If I have positive people telling me I can do, to stick to it, that I can make it, I will listen. So I ask, beg and plead, please, encourage me to keep going. I feel I am in the right place and around the right people to embark on this lengthy process.

I need my life back, I need to be set free so I can live life the way God intended. I can't be bound by this ball and chain called "suboxone" any longer. It's destroyed a number of relationships for me, it's destroyed my family, my health, my work, my friends and it's robbed me of my peace and my joy. I am very emotional right now, telling you this. But understand, I know this is for the greater good.



Thank You so much for your time, and to the creators of this website, God Bless you. You are doing a good thing here. It's a safe place for people to turn to who really have no other options. Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

-Adonis LaPlante

I am new to the forum as well so I hope im doing this right. I wrote something on the chat but im not sure if it posted or not. I read your story and I knoe exactly how you feel. Im having a hard time as well. I went to rehab back in November and they put me on sub for alcohol and benzo addiction. I had no idea what i was getting into. All I knew is that i didnt crave anything and felt good. 5 months later i just want it to go away. Lately i am very nauseas and vomitting and I feel weak and helpless. Im not sure what to do or why i am feeling so bad. I just want to get off and not be sick. I want my life back as well and I am scared. My family and friends have no idea and I dont know where to turn. I cant go back to rehab i have got to do this on my own but I dont know how. I mean I know I need to taper and that is what im trying but i cant deal with the sick feeling. I wish u the best and pray that this all goes away soon for the both of us. If you know of any nausea remedies please let me know.

God bless you and keep you safe!
Melinda

Thanks Peeps,

Sorry for the delay in getting back to the site. Thanks for the replies and encouragement. I can feel the support from you all, it's great.

Nannamom,

Since Thurs. of last week I had 12MG's of sub's left. That day my body was used to 4-6MG's per day but I cut it down to 2MG. Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues I've used a total of 9MG's. I know we are suppose to be exact in our daily dosage but for some reason I needed less then 2MG's one day, leaving me more then what was scheduled, either way I didn't go over my 2MG's per day. As it sits now, I have 3MG's left plus I went out and got one more 8MG pill. Not because I'm stopping my taper, but because I'm reading that this is a long process and it's best to taper down to .5MG.

Since Thurs. of last week, my body has felt the dramatic reduction of subs in my system. Yesterday I had diarrhea but nothing severe. I'm noticing small aches in my joints while I'm sleeping or waking up from sleep. Other then that, I'm doing okay. During the day, I'm noticing after I eat is when I feel like I need more subs. I'm fighting that urge.

As for subs destroying my relationships, I will tell you all this, I'm bisexual. Since I've been on subs I've had 2 girlfriends and 1 boyfriend. My first girlfriend, that ended because of other things not suboxone related. At the time I was getting a full script and new to the drug, so that ended for other reasons.

My second relationship on this drug was my boyfriend Jason. I was having a hard time getting subs and I'd have days where I was in total pain. He knew what I was going through, cause we were partially living together and I told him. We'd argue and fight and some days I just wasn't in the mood. Then, I'd score my subs and want to make up, and feel bad about what we'd fight about. That repeated over and over. Finally he said "It's either suboxones or me" and sadly, the addiction had a hold on my life.

Now to my third relationship, with my girlfriend Steph. She was also on subs and she understood the whole addiction/withdrawal process. I really liked her and she knew so much about me. But when it came time to me making a conscious effort to be clean, she wasn't supporting me like I needed. I hated to let her go, but I couldn't stay. Otherwise I'd be on them and not doing anything to get better.

Now, as for friends, well there's time I won't call or even hang out with them because I don't have enough subs to maintain and be enjoyable. I've cancelled so many events with them due to me withdrawing. They don't know I'm on these, they think I'm being an a-hole. I noticed they figured I probably wouldn't be up for hanging out, so they stopped calling to see if I wanted to do anything. Sad really.

As for my family, most of them know I am on these. They don't know the extent however. Same ol process with my relationships and friends, I don't do things because I am "hurting" with means withdrawing. I've missed family birthdays, family BBQ's, holidays on my bad days. They want me there, they tell me all the time.

Don't worry about asking questions, I will answer all. Thank you above all for the help and support. It feels good to tell people about this part of me. I do feel bad for the things this drug has forced me to do when it comes to those I love.

Melinda,

Are you taking subs now? Or have you jumped? Yes, I know the withdrawal process can be unbearable, so unbearable in fact that people fear it and don't ever get off. I say, if you are off.. stay off. All those "ugly" feelings our bodies are experiencing will go away. Also, I've heard Clonadine helps with the anxiety, Trazadone helps with the sleep along with hot baths, exercise and keeping yourself busy. You can take immodium for the diarrhea.

As for the taper method you explained, that's the boat I'm in. Mine will need to be a rapid taper however. I don't have the subs to drag this thing out. My will power is at max right now and I need to stay in this mentality. It seems the taper promotes time that can do damage to our will power. Support for me is needed in a major way.

We are going to to feel ill Melinda, we are going to have bad days and really bad days. But we should start having good days also. Just keep pushing forward and know that in the end, it's all worth it. Find some comfort meds to help you withstand the withdrawal. Read up on taper methods so you know exactly what to do and when to do it.

I've read where tapering is very useful, getting our bodies use to just a SMALL amount of subs and withdrawing in the process. When we do finally jump, the actual withdrawal symptoms should be light and bearable. Of course we are all different and our bodies are unique. Not two addictions are the same, but I'm almost sure that if we continue on this path my friend, it will all work out.

I'm not a doctor or a scientist, but I do believe that over half of our addiction is a mental one. Our body is controlled by our brain. If we can convince our brain that our body is fine, it should be a short process. I pray for you Melinda, I know all to well what you are going through. We want off this poison but we don't want to hurt. But the good thing is, the hurt is only temporary. Eventually we will be back to normal and will be FREE from this drug that has had us in prison. Good Luck.

Thank u Adonis for your reply. NoI have not jumped im taking 1/2 of an 8 in the am 1/2 in the noon and 1/2 at night. I just cant seem to get the nausea to go away. Sometimes im okay but then it comes right back wether I eat or not i feel like im going to throw up and sometimes i do. I have never experienced this before and i have been on subs for 3 months. I have about 40 eights left and i just want to get off i cant stand this. I cant tell anyone except my Dr. who has not called me back yet. I wake up feeling like shit and i dont want it to get worse. Im in fear of losing my job or not working to pay my rent. I dont understand why all of a sudden i went from feeling fine on subs to feeling so bad. I just dont know if im taking too much or to less. I am totally confused. Could my body just be resisting this stuff all of a sudden. I was on 16 a day for aqbout 3 days and then started taking less. Just the thought of it being in my mouth makes me want to throw up. I just hope it stops but i also want to get off for good. Im trying to make these 40 subs last thru the taper and have no problems. Im eally saddened that i got into this in the first place. If I tell my family they will just think im using again. They wont understand what i was told and what is happening. Thanks for your support and God Bless!
Melinda

Thanks Nannamom,

The water thing I've heard about one other place. It did sound strange and I didn't understand it, still kinda don't. But I think I got a better idea now that you explained it. I don't think I'll be going that route, not enough subs to do that.

As for getting them on the street, that is HORRIBLE. Y'all will think I'm lying if I told you how much I pay for one single 8MG. It's ridiculous. Yeah, being that it's not always available, people will jack the price WAY up.. like some kind of bidding war. One of the major reasons I want to get off them.

Today I woke up feeling rough. My stomach was rumbling and was cramping. I went right to the restroom and felt relief. I'm noticing my eyes are watering a little and my nose is starting to run, just a little though. Right now, it's mostly my stomach.

I haven't taken any of the 2MG's today. I'm gonna wait til it becomes unbearable and I have no other choice but to do that. Like I said, rapid taper. To be honest, having at least 6-8 more subs would definitely help. But at the same time, all these withdrawal symptoms I'm feeling should make it easier once I do jump.

Thanks for the reply.

Hey Nanamom,
This is melinda i just read your response to Adonis and im glad to here about the .05 and the water thing. Im going to try that. Right now I take a 1/2 of an 8 three times a day and then next week I will go down to 2 times a day and so on. Im really trying to get off without any complications I pray. Thanks for the advice.