Barbara Rue's Road

Barbara Rue's road began several lifetimes ago as I have been Many things and many places. I have been aloud to live through many situations, I feel I have been saved out of dying mnay times. Let my road begin as from this day. I live for something and the thing is happiness and being able to hang out with myself and not feel sick. I love myself and in love with the fact I know I'm blessed out in many ways. Today, I walk with my shoulders back and not in a rush. I can spot an opiate absuer a mile away and it's a mile of road I never want to take again. Today I'm not all hunched over and I walk like I'm happy. I can make the right moves that makes the world make sense. Well whoopie, I can make it to the store and get the things I need realizing it's a beautiful day. My rewards come from strange places: my name Barbara means strange or stranger, being a Barberic nature. Today I'm a kind stranger, one you'ld love to know. For now I said I have to go to the store, I must end and go. I'd like to make a string of day to day threads of my life. Maybe I can find out what kind of cloth I'm from...at the end of my hem. Love ,with no charge, Barbara Rue

The road I was on as a child, you could tell I was headed downhill on a slippery slope. I had a Father who drank and gambled his paycheck away and a Mother too meek to put her foot down. I was angry for years fror her not protecting us six kids. As I got older and sober, I realized she did the best she could and suffered more than any of us. I was pregnant at seventeen (1960) and then there wasn't any welfare or help, so I gave my daughter up for adoption. I went back to high school, but with my tattered mended clothes and girls writing on the bathroom walls, I was a lot of dirty things, I quit. My road then took me down to Ft. Lauderdale where on my looks and con, I established myself to have a job on the beach, lived on the beach, drank a bit, but no drugs. I got a nice apartment and a Cadillac convertable. The drugs came later from late night parties and the insistance of "loved ones." I thought I had the best of everything for quite a while until I met my 7'2", 320 pounds of an Italian hunk. I feel so in love with this man, I would do all he said even after many black eyes and broken ribs. I still loved him and got married in 1965. He was fated to end up in prison from any on of his illegal activites. This left me alone to fall in one mess after another. I always thought I had to have a man to take care of me. I'll tell you of three more failed marriages later. Now, today I'm a senior jouneyman in my union,buying my own farm of rescued animals and support myself on my own. Besides overcoming an out of control addiction to opiates, I take care of my Mom and myself and have a comfortable life. This is a road I'm glad I took. I guess I had to go to all these other places to get where I am today. I hope all of you can get something out of what I've told you. If you need me, I'm here. Yours in the struggle, Barbara Rue

It's mind bending when I go to bed with a bowl of ice cream, everything is fine and I'm counting my blessings, saying my prayers last thing. I woke up with such an upset stomach, foggy and weak in my mind. Some days I wake up and I'm contented and can't wait to get up and do things. Not today, I made my brother's lunch and curled up on the couch with the three dogs laying around me. I slept till the phone rang and still no life inside. I managed to take my dose which seemed to take forever. I'm somewhat better and managed to put on some chili and melted butter for a pineapple upside-down cake. I called off from instructing a group of new hires this afternoon. I figured I needed the rest. I don't know if anyone is getting anything out of this, but I'm more positive and a sense of normalcy is peeking through. I've written things down before and solved a sortment of problems which wasn't really problems, it was just my acceptance of what's going on around me. I have to face the fact I'm where I am for a reason and it doesn't matter if it's windy,rainy or sun shining, I have to do the best I can with what I put into the day. My road today is as hard as I make it out to be. I looked over what I've written and there's a lot of "I's" here. Maybe I should think about adding a we; meaning finding a soul mate. The adult in me says I need to get myself out of this treatment I'm in before I offer myself to someone else. I don't know if I could ask someone to join me on this road of recovery. I think I'll just put this idea on a back road to be walked when I'm more in peices. I'll just return to the kitchen to surprise my Mom and bother with a desert for dinner. This has been my jouney for most of the day; I'm going to make the best of the rest of it. Love to all, Barbara Rue

Barbara,

Deborah, you dear sweet person. I can't thank you enough for bringing the sweetness out in me. I feel so much better than I did when I first started reading what was new on the board. Then I read this. You are so kind and gentle. Somtimes I need harsh and rough, but you seemed to know what I needed at this time. We have a road ahead of us to tread a step at a time. We will hold our swords high and walk with confidence. I wish I could write as much as you do. Maybe I will be able to once I can loosen up about a lot of things. I'm going to work tomorrow, so I must get in bed. This is my favorite time of day. When all is done and I can rest till in the morning. Loved what you had to say. You have done a lot on the forum. YOU really know what you are doing. Love, Barbara Rue

Hello,
First off, I'd like to thank you for creating such a website. A place to be able to interact with people like myself and being able to do it from home!! I have three children- a thirteen year old, and a one and two year old. It makes it hard for me to get out. This website is an incredible find & I'm so grateful that you are able to do this. It's comforting to know that there are people who truly can understand the feelings I am struggling with. I have an amazing family/ "support system." People who honestly still believe in me?? And as much as they want to help, it is still very hard for them to understand. I have put them through too much. Anyways, thank you, thank you for such an interesting site. bfye

Hello bfye, so happy to hear from you. I don't have any children, but as we read, I have a Quaker parrot calling, "Barbara, Barbara." This goes go when I leave the room. I also have two horses, both red with black mane and tail. These are my babies. I also have three dogs, two are at the groomers right now. Oh, I have four chickens. So, I have a lot to keep me busy and they all love me. I want to welcome you to our place. Everyone hear is genually caring and will be there for you. Keep posting and we'll post back. Yours in recovery, Barbara Rue

Thank you Deborah for you kind words of compassion. You are truly a Mother Teresa over the suffering addict. I'm not sure she would have understood as you do. I'm not sure if I want to talk about all the roads of danger I've been on; what good does it do? It does make me think of how lucky or special I am to be here. Not until I started getting my life turned around did the perils stop. Towards the end of my addiction I couldn't even drive straight. Many times I awoke by a horn blowing at me cause I had driven in the path of another car. A power larger than any of us has kept me alive with a kind heart and in good physical shape. I have a few operations I need and will do. One of them will be done here shortly cause after a hammer toe being corrected, my other toes need to be shortened, pinned and then pins removed. Right now it hurts to walk and with my work, I walk at least five miles a day. I'm a stage hand who sets up conventions and trade shows. Fortunatly a lot of times I have a flat-bed cart I drive or I just point people in the direction they need to be in. My work is physical and kept me in good shape. My road today took me to the sub doctor and I got my usual dosage. I've been on 4 mgs a day for quite a while now. I usually have 1 or 2 left. I just forget or don't want to dose. I hope I have said something any of you could use to get better. The is a better coming for all of us cause anthing is better than being sick. God, I remember when I didn't know what to do or where to go. I'm so so glad there was a drug to recover on. I'm glad for you people out there for your support and understanding. Bless you all, Barbara Rue