From Methadone to Suboxone, scared!

Hi everyone, my name is Jessica and this is my first post. I've taken Suboxone before for 6 months and it was the saving grace of my life. It is the happiest I have been since I have been falling down this seemingly endless hole. But I couldn't afford it anymore after I lost my job. So I started using again.

Here's my story-

I've been battling with opiate addiction for 5 years now and I'm 23 years old. I have gone through treatment and had my 6-8 months of sobriety tops. But I always go back to the stuff. For a long time my problem was Oxycontin. But then I discovered Methadone. I could take 3-5 pills and feel okay for 2 days! Plus it was alot cheaper! I thought I had it made. I would get it from various people. But every few months comes the time where the Methadone creek runs dry (I live in a small town and dont have a script). So I would get sick. And this wasn't like the Oxy sick. This is different. It's not over by day 7. It has just begun. It is the worst feeling in the world. I would almost rather be dead.

Anyway enough of that. So I'm still taking methadone. I'm up to 80 mgs every other day (minimum). I am so unhappy. I feel stuck. I'm living a double life! Everyone thinks I'm sober but It's a huge lie! Even my own boyfriend. I can't do it anymore, I'm constantly locking myself in bathrooms and breaking down in tears. I have so much of a future ahead- I want to finish school and have a career.

I know that suboxone will be a life saver for me. I just need some advice. How should I do this? I cannot afford the drug. But I read about the financial assistance and found a doc that might go along with the program. I'm just scared!

Any advice/encouragement would be so very appreciated. I feel so scared and alone and don't know where to turn.

Thanks-
Jessica d.

Thank you so much Dee! It makes me feel so much better knowing I'll have support from people who have been through it.

So...I need a referral to get in to see the suboxone doctor (luckily if I hurry I will only be his second suboxone patient and I will be able to get the financial assistance through the manufacturers!). So I am going to call a psychologist today who can refer me and make an appointment to see him. I have a friend who is going to this specific sub. doctor and what they have you do is take 4 mg the first day, come back in the next day and take 2 more, and 2 more the next. So I'm kind of stressing about that because I have a 8-4:30 job m-f. And they're very strict about missing any work, even for a doc appt! So right now I'm trying to get in to see him.

In the meantime I will read the article you posted and will start tapering down as quickly as possible. I need to do it. I am on day 3 right now without taking any methadone. I'll keep you posted.

I also want to say that, although we've never met Dee, I'm very happy for you! It gives me someone to look up to. As they say in recovery- I want what you have

Talk to you very soon-
Jessica

Goodmorning Dee !!

I am feeling very hopeful today. I called the doctors office my friend recommended, it is actually our local community health center. The earliest appointment I can get is next Wedensday at 3:45 PM. I requested the time off work. First I have to go get a normal check up with a normal doctor. That doc will refer me to their psychologist who will then refer me to the suboxone doctor. So It's going to take some steps but I just need to stay strong! I know being a member of this group and having all of your support will help keep me in check.

I look at my work situation like this....my life is more important than anything! And if I do end up losing my job over trying to get on suboxone it will be worth it. But I don't think I will, I let my bosses know that I've been having some health issues and may need to miss a few hours here and there. And of course I can get a note.

Anyway, again, I am so grateful to have your support! And I will keep you updated! For now I will just take this one day at a time.

Take care-
Jessica

hi jessica
I'm the mom in the group dee referred to . i have been with my son through his addition and some very hard times . I've seen it all standing right beside my son . he has just gotten his first good Suboxone doctor and has been sober and very very happy on Suboxone. hopefully you will get the same results .
you were smart enough to think it all through and take the steps toward a better and sober future . I'm glad you have requested the day off work but let me just say this ... jobs will come and jobs will go .. your sobriety and working toward it have to come first. love yourself enough to know a job is just a job ... sobriety is first and foremost. you must love yourself and take care of you first .
i know my posts of late have been the best as i have been very very busy for a few weeks, but i will be here for you if you need and ear, or a hug , or encouragement . I'm here for every moms child , and you are so worth it !
hopefully i will catch up on some much needed sleep soon and be back more often soon .
again ... welcome and have faith we are all cheering you on . you CAN get to the finish line and you WILL!
hugs and prayers
Suz

Hi Jessica,
I am so happy that you have made it here! Great job girl!
I have tried to respond to you three seperate times now & as I've attempted to send them, they have simply vanished into the abyss of cyber space... I have been having major issues with my computer & internet lately. (obviously!) I don't know what happened, but it's been acting blasted crazy! I thought that it was just dogs that began to act like their owners... Anyways, sorry to have not been able to respond to you sooner (that you were able to read anyways) so that you knew that you are in my prayers & I have complete faith in you, as you have taken every correct step to begin an entirely new journey. You have the desire, determination & follow through to make this happen for yourself!!! And of course, we are always here for you along the way!! But it seems like you have set a plan & are acting on it to make it happen! Please keep us up to date on how your appointment goes & how your feeling, etc. (we do get worried about each other around here..) Are you handling the withdrawls from the Methadone okay or are you having a difficult time? Have you spoken with your boyfriend about why you may not be feeling so well? Does he understand addiction? Have the two of you been together long? How has he handled his stress due to your addiction? Is it causing problems within your relationship? I lived that "double life" type lifestyle for quite a while. Everyone thinking that I was "clean" but I was simply "sneaking" around them. That didn't turn out so well for me when they finally did find out, when it all came crashing down around me... I'd never even heard of Suboxone at that point. I was hopeless & felt helpless! I'd tried so many times before to stop, only to fall back into that hole that seemed to be getting deeper & having worse & worse consequences each time I went back to using. I am so grateful that I was steered in the right direction to learn of Suboxone, then take the steps to get on it, as it has been a life saving, miracle medication for me. I don't believe that I would be alive today (unless I was locked up in jail) if it weren't for the Suboxone! I believe that if this could help to save me, there's no one that it couldn't work for. I was in bad shape. I just celebrated one year of being on the Suboxone on May 5th. That still amazes me. I feel so very blessed to have made it thus far, yet I know that I'm far from out of the woods when it comes to my addictive personalities. I'm starting to notice more & more what triggers these kind of thoughts & try to acknowledge it, deal with it (usually by coming onto here & venting the stress burdening my soul) & then sit with it, (or attempt to stay busy when I can't sit still) as the feeling does pass. Not as quickly as it came, nor as fast as I'd like for it to leave, but it really does eventually pass. I've not been on the Methadone. I have taken a couple of pills here & there when I couldn't get on any Oxycontin, but never prescribed nor monitored or anything. I'm very thankful to not have gotten hooked on those as well when I hear the stories that you & Dee & many others here have shared about how horrible the withdrawls are, even compared to the oxycontin. Hang in there, strong angel! You have more strength than what you realize- so many people here are pulling for you that you have no idea how many times God has recently heard your name & sent you love, hope & STRENGTH! I'm sure that Wed feels forever away, but soon, soon, soon, it will get here. Hold on with everything inside of you! Continue to post to relieve your soul of having to carry it alone!! I have full faith in you!
Hope to hear more about you & how your doing (really doing!) throughout this.
Sending you hugs & hope.
Your Friend in Recovery,
Beth (oh yeah, by the way, my name is Beth. Welcome home Jessica!)

Hi Jessica,
Hope you are feeling well. Yes, please keep us up to date on how you are doing & if you have any questions or concerns, you can let them out. Get new ideas or perspectives on that or any particular situation. Hang strong & hope to hear from you soon!
Your Friend in Recovery,
Love & Hugs,
Beth "B"

I am in tears right now, all of you are so wonderful. It is a godsend that I came across this club. You will be the support I need. And It feels so good to know that!

I am at work right now so I don't have a chance to type much, but I wanted to check in with my ladies and let you know I am alive and still heading down the path that +will+ lead me to suboxone. (I'm trying to be positive, I wasn't this past week, I had a very hard 7 or 8 days, and I'm also having an emotionally hard day today, but I'll tell you more later tonight when I'm at home).

I went to the doctor on the 17th. They referred me to the psychologist who will then refer me to the suboxone doctor. I was sooo upset because they can't get me an appointment with the psychologist until the 21st of July! I almost threw my hands up and quit. But I won't. I can't.

Anyway, I skimmed through all of your posts but will read them more thoroughly later and respond. I am just so happy to have you all.

Love,
Jessica

I also wanted to apologize to all of you who have been here for me for taking so long to respond! When I go through periods of depression I close off and pretty much work and sleep. But I want to log on every day, no matter what and talk to all of you beautiful ladies.

As I will tonight talk to you soon! xoxo

Oh Jessica- it's so great to hear from you!
I've just been thinking about you like crazy & hoping (praying) that you were well. I hate to hear that your having a hard time getting into the new doctor.. I just hope that you will hold on, just get by however you have to until you make it to that appointment. You will feel better almost instantly- within the first few minutes. It's amazing! Please stay strong & come hang out. Instead of isolating during depression, as I do the same thing, as well as other members here are also used to doing, please try to reach out & "let it out" of you. This forum to me is almost like a journal with feedback & I have made incredible friends that understand what my daily struggles are really like. They are grateful for the days that we have now, where I am now in my life. There is no judgment here- we've all done horrible things because of drugs. I'm just so happy that you've made it here. I can't wait to get to know you better! Please continue to let me hear how you are really doing.
I'm glad to have heard from you.
Hugs to you.
Yours in Recovery,
B

Sammy,
As long as his doctor is the same doctor that is prescribing both medications and is monitoring him, he should not have any problems.
Mixing these two medications can increase the effects of the Valium. Your husband is taking Valium with Methadone right now isn't he? I'm sure that his doctor is aware of the risks of mixing Valium with Suboxone.
You can read what I found out below. You are smart to ask questions.

Suboxone may dangerously increase the effects of other drugs that cause drowsiness, including antidepressants, alcohol, antihistamines, sedatives (used to treat insomnia), other pain relievers, anxiety medicines, and muscle relaxants. Tell your doctor about all medicines that you are taking, and do not take any other prescription or over-the-counter medicine, including herbal products, without first talking to your doctor. ( Drugs.com )

Some doctors have different opinions of which drug is safe to take and which is not. Please be sure to monitor your husband for increased drowsiness. Don't let him drive until you now how he reacts to the two medications.
Don't depend on his opinion of how he reacts in reference to driving. Many people drive today not really realizing how impaired they are.
I want him to be safe.
I hope this has helped.
Yours,
Dee

Hello my sweet ladies

I started isolating again immediately after I wrote that last message...as you probably figured.

I just keep losing hope. I am having a verrry hard time! I know what I need to do- go on suboxone. But staying on methadone has been so hard because I can't tell anyone in my life about it.

My dad confronted me today, I see him maybe once every 3 months. But he showed up randomly at my work and basically said "I could tell you were on opiates when you came over on fathers day and I don't want you coming around anymore. You make me sick".

That makes it so hard for me. Because I can't

Good Morning Jessica-
I hope that the morning sunshine has started a brand new day for you, full of hope & love. I do know that you are hurting deeply right now, especially after what your father said to you. I'm sure that just adds to the self loathing & depression of what addiction causes us to feel about ourselves. Shame & embarressment & guilt. Those type of feelings will only pull you further down. I agree with what Suzy posted above about putting everything else on the back burner & try to make it through until your appointment. Then, you can start addressing all of the issues that your addiction has caused you. Now is not the time. Your already too overwhelmed. (This is way off topic, but I enjoy listening to music as I post & I put YouTube on in the background & randomize my playlist to hear my favorites as I'm writing. Well, the point of all that was that as I was writing to you, one of my absolute favorites came on. "Morning Has Broken" by Cat Stevens.) It's a BRAND NEW day sweet Jessica & one day closer to your appointment. I hate for you to feel helpless or alone, but you are not ever alone here. Please just reach out. I know first hand how easy it is when your depressed & hurting to want to isolate myself, but it never, ever helps. If you can reach out to a hand that is trying to help you, or several hands in this situation, you can & WILL make it! If you'd like to PM (private message) to anyone inparticular, I know that a few of us here have traded phone numbers, so that we can actually talk to someone who understands. I'd be happy to get to know you better & to talk with you. Just please remember that you never have to feel alone again. Not saying that all my days are just peaches & cream, far from really, but I'm trying hard to focus on the positive. I realize that is easier for me to say this, as I am already stabilized on my Suboxone. Your day is coming soon sweetie! And your soo very young. If you can get this put behind you now, you haven't wasted half of your life living as an active addict. I fully believe that God has his reasons for everything that happens & sometimes although I don't understand them at the time, later down the road, I find myself thanking him for those "unanswered" prayers. There was a reason that you've come around, found Suboxone, found this site- you will have soo much to offer to others! (or even more to offer others, who will need your help & encouragement!) Your a special gal Jessica & you can get through this, will get through this. I will tell you something that has burdened my recovery & that is lies. I have told soo many past lies that they have still continued to come out- over a year later! Please try to be as honest as possible with those who love you, as it sounded like you were with your Dad, but I can promise you that in my own situation, lying has only made the issues way worse than what they would've been had I simply told the truth from the start. Please don't get me wrong & think that I am a compulsive liar, but I was while I was using. I was trying to live that double life. Everyone thinking that I was clean, but still just sneaking around them. (lying to them!) I'm only telling you all of this because it sounds like an issue that your soon going to have to face. Please feel free to bounce ideas off of me, as I have been down your road. I'm still on it, just a bit further ahead. At least, I could warn you of the pitfalls & wrong turns that I made along the way, as that may help you to avoid some of those same mistakes.. Only if you want me to, if not me, please reach out to someone. There are amazing people here, who sincerely desire your sobriety & happiness to return. I also just wanted to mention one thing about your Dad & his reaction yesterday. He feels helpless, hopeless, unable to kiss your boo-boo & make it all better. His hands feel tied & he doesn't know how to handle that feeling. Please try to place yourself in his shoes & the path that he's also on with your addiction, as addiction doesn't only affect the addict, but their most loved ones as well. They are forced to travel this route as well because they LOVE you soo very much, but are going through their own hell due to yours. He's obviously hurting inside pretty badly & doesn't know what else to do or say right now. But, like you told him, it will be better soon. Then, you won't even have to say it, he'll see it, just as he saw this, and the wall between the two of you will begin to crumble. He only wants his daughter back & once you offer him some hope, I believe that he will become one of your biggest supporters!
Jessica, I believe in you & really hope that you'll continue to keep us up to date on how you are doing. I am also going to send you a PM with my phone number. If it's long distance or you can't afford to call, please pass your number back along to me & I will call you back. Hang in there & again, please keep in touch!!!
Love & hugs & strength to you!
Your Friend in Recovery,
B (Beth)

jessica
hope you see my reply to you .
you will find it under question of the day .
hugs
Suz

Hi Beth and Dee and all you beautiful, strong women-

My appointment with the psychologist is tomorrow! I am so nervous.

For one, I have to be honest with him. Which I'm actually sooo excited for! To be able to actually vent to someone about the double life i've been living will feel so good. I don't like to lie. I HATE it.

But I am out of methadone and money. The vicious cycle. I'm so tired of it, have been for a long time.

It's no longer about getting high for me, i take it to keep me well. And I just can't even begin to imagine how terrible i'll feel off of it.

I am so scared- scared that i won't be able to get into the suboxone doctor soon enough. Scared that I won't be accepted into the free program. Scared that I'm not going to be strong enough to make it through all of this.

I'm so sorry i've been kind of flaky, I tell that to everyone in my life. Because being on Methadone when I have no Rx is like a full-time job. Tracking down the drugs, getting money to pay for them, and then having to get them. Over and over and over. Then thinking of lies to mask the truth of what I was doing. I barely have time to get on here and chat with my ladies (you!)

I cannot wait until the day where I don't have to spend so much time chasing something I hate so much...but that I need...

Anyway! Wish me luck!

I'll let you know how it goes soon.

Love,
Jessica

Hi dear Jessica,
How did your appointment go for you? It is today, right? I'm so happy for you & that your still on course with your plan. Your right about what a relief it will be to go to this doctor & be honest with him. Just being able to honestly let it all off your chest will help to lift your burden- that weight of going to find them, getting money, going to find more, etc (that vicious cycle) That will soon simply be just memories. I know that I do this alot, but I relate very well with music & how I'm feeling. I'd like to recommend a song for you that you can pull up on YouTube. It's called "At This Point In My Life" by Tracey Chapman. It means alot & I can relate with it so well that I cry every time that I listen to it, the lyrics are superb! I don't know if you enjoy music or relate it to your life when you hear lyrics that remind you of how your feeling, but it helps me very much. Anyhow, I hope that you'll attempt to pull it up & listen to it. Do you have a YouTube account? If you do listen to it, let me know what you thought...
I'm going to go for now, but I hope that your appointment went well for you today(?) and I'd love to continue to hear how you are getting along. Are you & your boyfriend still together? Have you talked to him about any of this yet? Does he have any knowledge about addiction? I hope that he is able & willing to go along on this journey of recovery right by your side. We all need constant support. It gets so hard for our loved ones as well. I know that my husband is normally very supportive, yet sometimes he does get very frustrated at the situation & being at the mercy of lousy doctors. He often holds it all in until he's ready to explode, then he does alot of yelling & "venting" which doesn't help our relationship or my ability to let go of the past mistakes that I've made because of drugs to be able to continue on with my recovery. We've discussed it & he's only very recently seeing what I've kept telling him, that he's throwing up my past in my face!! I feel lucky that I have this man beside me & was willing to hear me, actually listen to me & tell me that he will try harder to right his wrongs as well. I give him credit for acknowledging it & respect him even that much more for being open for change. This is a big step for us. I've broken his trust a hundred times over, yet have also begun to earn it back by this past year of not using. It's such a painful disease- addiction, that is, because it not only hurts the addict themselves, but also our loved ones that are forced to travel this journey along with us.. It does get better, it has to, right?
Okay, this time I really am going to close up this post & can't wait to hear back from you. Your in my thoughts!!
Your Friend in Recovery,
Love,
B

Hi Ladies!

My appointment went very well yesterday. It was just a psychologist but luckily ended up being a very kind man who wants to help me. I cried to him as soon as I looked at his face and could barely speak I was so worked up.. but he waited patiently and listened to the words broken up by my tears.

He got me in with the suboxone doctor monday at 8:30 am!!!!!!! I am excited and nervous.

Now that I will be going on suboxone I have a few questions...

Honesty is key...and I have to be honest...I've only lowered my methadone dose to 60 mgs, but I only take it every other day. I'm scared that I will experience withdrawal when I take the suboxone, that has happened to me before and it's not fun!

Also, I heard a rumor that they will be giving me 2 mgs, I will have to wait a few hours and come back for my next dose of 2 mgs. Then I have to come back the next few days until they get me up to the correct dose (which I imagine will be the highest dose possible). Is that how they did it for you guys?

I'm trying not to stress about the fact that I'll be missing so much work to go on this stuff and just be grateful that I'll finally be able to get off methadone!!!!

I just want to thank you, dee and beth and everyone here. You have been a huge part in getting me to this point. I'm trying to take deep cleansing breaths, dee! And I just think of you ladies, it helps keep me strong

I listened to that tracy chapman song, beth. It definetely hit home...How true is all of that?! "You see Ive been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down. Ive been reaching high always losing ground". yup!

I still haven't come out to everyone about my habit. I am too afraid. They've given me so many chances and I've screwed up...time after time. I want to take the right steps before I come clean. Which is lame...I know recovery is about humility but I just can't bring myself to disappoint those who love me. Not yet. My boyfriend will always be supportive, but I dont want him to lose any trust for me. I've been lying to him. And I hate that.

Anyway---another thing I'm verry stressed about- my car broke down last week. My friends dad has been looking at it and cant figure out what it is. He thinks it might me the head gasket So I'm trying to stay positive about that but it sucks!!!

Hope you all have a splendid day

Love,
Jess

Hello again Jessica,
It's me Beth again- just wondering how you are doing? How did your appointment go for you? Like I said, I just wanted to check in with you & how you are doing.. Hope all is going well & to hear back from you soon!
Your Friend,
B