Hi Beth! I lost your last post

Hello there sweet ladies!!
Thank you all so very much for your posts full of support!! This means so much to me when I get on here & start reading to realize, once again, that I am no longer alone!! I really appreciate your friendships here, as I don't talk about these things that I'm trying to get through with anyone close to me, other than Matt. It's really even hard for him to understand, though he's very supportive lately! It almost seems that I was having a bit of a nervous breakdown yesterday, but really believe that it was most likely a panic attack! As Dee said, stepping out into the world. That was a good analogy when you compared it to leaving residential treatment, as that's what its been like for me here. I know that I'm okay & safe while home tending to my babies & house, etc. I know that I can trust the people around me & no one here would ever try to lead me down the wrong path, etc!! It's simply a matter of learning to trust myself & my decisions again. I'm in hopes that getting into the routine of the job will actually help improve my life, as I get more comfortable. Yet, regarding the job... I just don't know. I was misled during my interview into believing that I was going to do "Administrative Assistant" type tasks, even though it's in a Call Center. Upon arriving last evening, I was ushered into the training room for the new hire Sales Calls. I despise getting telemarketing calls myself & do not know if I can do this job, as I've never done anything along these lines before.. I asked the manager who interviewed me & he apologized repeatedly for the mix up. He told me that he meant that the company does their hiring from within & that IF that position becomes available, I could always try to transfer. That is not what he said to me during our interview. I realize, as Matt said, that I always have the option to turn around & walk back out, but I don't know that I want to do that either. I want to give it a go, at least try it & see how it goes.. I can't really say that I was too impressed by how I did last night, but I am really just learning. Like I said, I've never done anything along these lines, especially trying to do magazine sales over the phone... I just don't know. The hours are absolutely perfect for what we need right now, as well as flexible. The money isn't great, but could become much better, as being in the sales, I'd receive commission on anything above & beyond the set quota. If I can even meet the set quota to begin with?? I guess that my plan for now is to continue to see how it goes & that way, I can be earning some money while keeping my eyes open for another job. This will certainly be an experience, if nothing else.. Also, Matt mentioned to me that maybe the manager had misled me on purpose, to get another body into his Call Center. I don't know, but I guess that it's possible. It just makes me want to make sure that I'm paying close attention & watching for the "fine print" of the job position & the managers objectives as well. He kept telling us last night that his job is to make sure that we are making good money, therefore, making the company good money. But remember, he is a very good salesman!! I guess that since I'm already having trust issues, I'm almost expecting more deception now. Especially since the "job title" mixup has already occured.. But I really am going to give it a try to see how things work out. Here's keeping my fingers crossed... The other thing that I was trying to explain to Matt about the job are the people there. I think that there are around fifty seats in the room & the majority of them are full. There are mainly young people working there. The majority of them are in their late teens to early twenties. I realize that I am only thirty three years old, but last night, with that young group, I may as well have been seventy five!! (at least, that is how I felt..) When the shift ended, I had a flashback of high school & the final bell of the day ringing & the stampede immediately following of young bodies sprinting for the door!! As they're all standing there, waiting for the elevator, they are making plans for the night of where they're all going to go drinking together & who's buying, etc, etc.. I really felt like the odd man out.. (or woman!) Not that I wanted to go out drinking with them, I just realized, once again, that my life is much different than when I was twenty something... Life has changed for me & I'm more determined than ever to make things good & keep them that way!! I have to stay positive. If I let in even a little bit of negativity, the depression seems to overwhelm me before I can even get my breath out. I know that I'm also battling depression, especially at this time of the year, but feel like, as long as I'm still able to fight it off, it hasn't gotten me yet!! I'm happy to have the desire to make changes, now its the follow through of taking the action to make these things happen. To strive towards goals & actually accomplish them! To rid myself of that feeling of "running to stand still" that I always refer to because that's how I've felt for too many wasted years now.. I need to continue moving forward in my life. But like Cathy said, trying to remember to take baby steps. I always start something & want immediate results, that often times, I don't even bother to finish it or the "follow through" due to getting myself overwhelmed right off the bat! And, like yesterday, sometimes to the point of panic attacks. I want to learn how to get these feelings under control. As Sammy was saying, there were problems in my life before the drug use & they are also what helped contribute to the use. Now that the drugs are stopped, the problems are still there, needing to be worked out because all I ever did before was to try to cover them up. Not have to feel.. I've always had these anxiety issues & panic attacks, as long as I can remember. Then, when I first started taking the Valiums & Vicodins, it was the first time that I actually felt like I could ever relax!! No wonder I fell in love with them so quickly!! Yet, by taking them for sixteen to seventeen years of my life, I've never learned how to deal with these feelings of anxiety without them. I've never learned to live my adult life without them, as I started taking them at sixteen years old & never really stopped. Even in that two years of "sobriety" of staying off the opiates, I never got any better. I just tried to cope in different ways, such as, alcohol, marijuana, even a line or two here & there. I can't even handle any uppers or speed-type drug, due to having epilepsy, as well as the already present anxiety, cocaine just makes me feel like s**t!!! But I was trying to get through life without taking opiates & wasn't getting any better, just switching around addictions. Trying to provoke my "Pleasure Center" in my brain in any possible way! I'm so happy to be where I am today & past those days or that those days are spoken in past tense!! I really want to thank you guys again for all of your support!
Cathy, I'm glad that Jon went with you to your appointment & that you have a game plan on how to handle those issues with your friend. I'm sure that she is upset over losing you, but if she is a true friend, remember that she should be able to understand that you need to do this for your own recovery!! (that's what I try to remind myself of when I think of my girlfriend & those issues!) Jon sounds like he is a wonderful man & that he loves you very much. Its great that he's going to your counseling appointments with you & such a big support in your life!! I also feel lucky to have a good relationship & that our husbands/boyfriends have stood by us despite us going through the lowest point in our lives. I try to remember that & how lucky I really am to still be here! Are you going to start looking for another job since quitting the dog grooming with your friend? Maybe you could find another job like that or something else that your working with animals since you have so much experience, as well as being what you love to do!
Dee, I was wondering if your classes, once completed, would make you eligible for government jobs? That'd be great!! Plus, you'd get a day off on every holiday! Something like bankers hours.. Is that class getting any better for you? I know you said that you enjoyed the routine that it provided you, but is difficult on your family. I can surely understand how they'd be missing you!! Change is always hard for me.. My family was saying the same thing to me last night when I returned home. The kids are used to being around me all the time, so it was especially hard for them. Well, maybe, it was actually harder on Matt because he's not used to being home with them by himself... My Mom told me on the phone today that it's a good reminder for him!! But they'll adjust, as I'm sure that your family will as well.
Sammy, I wanted to also thank you for your post. I loved hearing from you & you had some great input!! I appreciate your support & reminder that I am not alone in the world, as I often feel like. I'm really hoping that once I can get used to this routine, things should continue to change for the better!! I'd love to hear more about how things are going for you & a chance to get to know you better. Thanks again for sending hugs & strength my way. They're also coming right back at you!! Keep in touch!!
Okay, I'm finally going to try to get some more done around here, as I have a million & one things that need doing!! Thank you again, my friends, and I look forward to hearing from everyone soon! Hope your having great days!!
Love,
Beth

Hello, Ladies, Sammy it's about time you joined us. I to sufferd from panic attacks and I was put on xanax. It made me feel to dopey. Beth, I can't believe that manager. I hope they don't pay you by commisson only. When you make your calls don't take it personally if people get mad or hang up on you. Money is tight these days and people are finding ways to cut back on their budgets. At least this will be a new skill that you can learn. I think the manager lied to you because he wanted somebody in the call center that was older and more responible and take the job seriously. I know if a teenager called me up trying to sell me something I would most likley not buy and hang up. I hope you will consider treating your self the next time you go to work, that way you have something to look forward to. As for me I am going to wait to see what my options are for work. Maybe go to doggrooming school. We have one in the general area. I don't think my friend is going to be talking to me anytime soon which is ok with me for now. I told her I had to quit due to health problems which she knows about already, but she still was upset and not at all worried about me. I have advance Osertoprois and copd but it is somewhat under control. And she knew I had a hard time lifting bigger dogs. Well any way Beth I have to go for now Jon just got home. Talk to you soon. Where is Dee? Love Cathy

Hi girls!!
Way to go, Dee!! Your certainly facing some challenges & have been put into a spot where you are able to educate others about addiction and recovery! It's like we always talk about, God putting us where we need to be, when we need to be there! I believe that you will have opportunities rise out of this entire situation. That girl shouldn't assume anything, even about the nodding girl, as maybe her dosage isn't right or something?? The doctors also give out prescriptions for anxiety meds like candy, even while in treatment for opiate abuse. There were times, at the beginning of starting the Subs, that they were prescribing meds for me that had me more looped up feeling than when I was on the OCs! Such as Librium, BuSpar & Elavil.. But, maybe this girl was abusing her Methadone, who really knows? That still doesn't mean that everyone who takes it is like that!! (as I know that I don't need to tell you that!) I guess that it's right back to where we stated that many people are still ignorant regarding addiction, thinking that its a "moral" issue.. I'm glad that your there to prove otherwise!!
Cathy, I didn't realize that you had COPD or osteo- are you really doing okay? You do have them both under control & your health is okay, is that right? Or are you really suffering from health problems as well? It says something to me about your girlfriend right off the bat when I hear that she's mad that you need time off for health issues. Especially since she's already known that you were going through these things & doesn't even care. She's only worried about her. That is the exact same thing that I came across with my friend. She called me one time & asked me why I hadn't been answering or returning her calls. I started to try to explain it to her & she cut me off, saying (get this!) "Everytime that I ask you what's going on, you either talk about the babies or your addiction the whole time." The main problem was that she doesn't want to have to face her own addiction. And we both know how selfish using addicts are!! The last time that she stopped by, I was helping her put together a project that she needed to use my printer to complete. As she's getting ready to go, she opened her purse to get out her lipstick & opened it up. Two Adderalls & a Zanax log fell out of the top of her lipstick container! She just kind of laughed about it, but it really bothered me. I thought, she doesn't give a crap about my recovery at all. She'd be happier if I was still using with her, but I already know that if I go back to using, I will be dead! Or in jail, but then, I'd rather be dead! That doesn't seem to matter to her! Once again, selfish! I'm not trying to say these things to you to hurt your feelings regarding your friend, as I'm only referring to my own experience. It's also just an outside perspective & I always appreciate someone giving me a fresh perspective. Yet, these may all be things that you already know anyways! I'm sure that it's a relief for Jon also. It was probably hard on him when you went to work, wondering if you were okay & praying that you wouldn't get tempted, knowing that your friend (who you used to use with) was still right there doing them. Basically, in front of you. I'm so glad that you decided to make that change, as that seemed to be a time bomb!! Good job Cathy! Do you think that your going to check into getting back into school? Would you open your own grooming business or would you rather go work for someone who's already established? Or maybe just work for someone else at first & get your regular customers, etc, then possibly open up your own place! Are you going to be looking for a job in the meantime also? Hope things are going well for you.
I'm going to finish reading the other new posts & finish up some more laundry. I pulled off all the sheets & blankets from Matts Dads bed to get them all fresh & clean and back on the bed for when he comes back home! It has to feel better to come home & get into your own bed, which has nice clean sheets!! At least, that's what I thought he'd appreciate, as I know that he's going to have a hard time no matter what! I'm planning on going to the store & buying healthy foods to prepare for dinners, as well. Not that our dinners are unhealthy, but alot of butter, cheese & red meats certainly will not help him! Also, Matt & I both are checking into quitting smoking! There are alot of options for treatment now of ways to quit smoking successfully! Not to mention the money that we'd save! It's really disgusting how much money just gets burned up each month between us! Plus, for the health reasons & for our kids health reasons as well! There's not one good reason that either of us could come up with to continue smoking, so now its simply a matter of making it happen! We'll see..
Hope to hear back about how things are going for you girls & you have a great night! Again, stay warm!! It's four degrees here, with the wind chill, it feels about negative twenty degrees! Bundle up!!
Talk to you soon!
Love,
Beth

Hi Beth, When is your father-inlaw coming home? Have you worked your second shift yet? Is your father-inlaw going on a strict diet? That does not sound like to much fun. Myself, I am a meat and potato person. I also love pasta. It's great that you and Matt are going to quit smoking together. Too bad you didn't live in NY, They have a smoking hotline that you can call and get free smoking patches, they give you a 3 months supply. I still smoke even though I need to quit. I am on three breathing medications but I am not bad enough for o2 yet. I have to go back and get another bone scan in March. I am ok with the ostoporises. I just have to be careful not fall or lift anything heavy because I could easly break a bone. So I'll wait till after my bone scan before I look for another job but I can look to see whats out there. And your right about our using friends they are just worried about themselves. I know my ex-friend would perfer me using. She tryed to talk me out of taking the suboxone. When anything health wise went wrong with me. She used to tell me to stop taking it because it was causing all my health issues. Well I know that is not true I had copd right before taking the suboxone and I had osterp. for about 4 years. She told me that my systems got worse sence I went on the suboxone. I told her that the oc's and morphine and hydro's were just covering my systems before. It has been in the single digits here. The dogs don't even want to stay outside to play. I need to get them doggie boots. We are going to have a heat wave tommorow in the thirties and Sat. forties. Are you working over the weekend? Hopefully Matt's dad will be home shortly and every thing will be back to normal for you or close to normal as can be. Beth, Thank you for listening to me gripe about my ex-friend I value your advice and it gave me the courage to end the relationship with her, And Jon thanks you too and he is also thankful to my counseler, He never thought this day would come and he is thrilled! I'll talk to you soon. Love, Cathy