Hi Beth! I lost your last post

Hi Cathy,
I jumped onto here this evening really needing to chat with someone. I hope that you don't mind that I'm continually talking your ear off. I just don't have many people that I feel too close to any longer! I told you about my closest girlfriend & how that situation is standing at present. I just really need to talk for a minute..
We just had the ambulance leave here a few minutes ago for my father-in-law. He's having severe chest pains & felt like he couldn't breathe. His skin was a really odd grayish color & he was very clammy & sweaty. My hubby jumped into the car & followed behind the ambulance up to the hospital. I'm still waiting to hear anything from them. I'm staying here with the kiddos until I know what's going on. I had both the babies in the bathtub when this all started, so Nadine came into the bathroom to keep an eye on them while they were still in the water. She saw that I was scared & shaky, so when I went back in there, both of my girls were bawling. It's amazing how even when they're that young, they are able to pick up on all of those emotions. I feel like crying too, but am trying hard to keep it together as an example to these kiddos. It's scary when you see someone that you love hurting like that or thinking about anything happening to them. Nadine asked me what she should do & all I could think to say was to pray. Pray with all that you have girl!!
I'm going to close this up & rock the babies for a few minutes longer. I'll talk with you more shortly!! Hope everything is going well for you & that your staying warm!
Love,
Beth

Hi Beth, It's 10:14pm NY time. I hope your father-inlaw is ok. If you have time let me know. I have to work tomorrow but I will try to check in before I leave and I will defentily check back after work. Did you mention to me before what his health problems were? It sounds like his is having trouble with his heart. I know you are going to be putting on a strong face for your kids because they don't understand what is happing to grandpa. So if you need to talk or vent I'll be here afterwork tomorrow. Do you start work tomorrow? I know what you mean by going places and wanting to go home. Home is also my comfort zone. I used to like shopping at malls and walmart but now I feel like I am going to have a panic attack if I don't get home. I am nervous just thinking about working tomorrow. I don't like being away from the house or the dogs for even 6 hours. I guess it is because I still feel insercure about facing the reality of life without pills. Do you feel like that? Beth I hope your father-inlaw is ok. I'll check back in tomorrow. If you have time tomorrow just leave me a quick note. Love Cathy

Hi Cathy!
I'm sitting here & really don't even know what to say.. I'm sure that it'll start pouring out, as it always does, as I get into a post. It's been a very long night around here. Thank you for your thoughts regarding my father in law. As I'd mentioned last night, he was taken to the hospital by ambulance due to severe chest pains. They got him in there & got him stabilized to begin running more tests. Throughout the night, we were informed that he did, indeed, have another heart attack, but hopefully, with minimal damage. That's what they were going to start testing for, then he took a turn for the worse. They have him stabilized, once again, but he's now in the ICU & waiting on a operating room. They are going to open him up ASAP. Open heart surgery again!! He just had heart surgery last summer to put stints into three of his valves. I don't want to sound pessimistic at all, but I am scared!! He's been living with us since he started having these health issues & I am so thankful that he was here last night!! I think that I've mentioned him before, as I don't ever want him to leave!! He treats me & the kiddos wonderfully!! He adores the children. They are his light in life!! He enjoys making them pancakes & picking up little snack type foods from the store for them as a treat!! He's also simply incredible to Nadine!! They have a very cool relationship! He's great with all the kids & has been excellent support to me throughout my ordeal as well. We have a close friendship that I am so thankful for, as my relationship with my own father has continued to be strained. I'm just praying, praying, praying & waiting on that phone call from my hubby, who's up at the hospital with him. I'd like to be able to sit with Matt & his brother, Mike, but these babies wouldn't do well with having to sit quietly in a hospital all day long! So, I'm here with them, trying to keep on my strong facade, but quivering on my insides. Just continuing to pray!
I'm going to switch subjects & get my thoughts on other things. (as much as possible!) Where are you working today? Are you doing dog grooming? Are you continuing to work with your long time friend or is this something different? I guess that I didn't realize that you had a daytime job. I remember you saying that you sometimes do dog grooming, but didn't realize if you also do anything else.. I hope that your day is going well for you. I think that what you were talking about with going to the stores & wanting to get home, is exactly what I'm going through also. Like you said, it's almost like a panic attack that I need to return to my "comfort zone" to be able to get comfortable or calm down. I'm hoping that once I begin working again & getting used to the schedule, that I'll start regaining that confidence I need to be comfortable in public again. That's what I'm sure hoping for anyways! I start my new job next Tuesday night. I'm excited & looking forward to earning some money & talking to adults, but also a bit nervous, as I continue going back to the thoughts of having to be out of the house. I'm just weird because I whine that I need out of here, but once I get out, all I want to do is go back home! I'm hoping to squash these feelings, as I get more used to working again! I'd like to hear more about your job & how your handling those feelings of being uncomfortable outside of the house..
I'm going to close this up for now & make these babies some lunch. Today, we're just doing grilled cheese sandwiches & sliced apples. They've both been eating so very well that I believe we have growth spurts on the way!
I plan on coming back onto here soon to finish reading any of the new posts & would love to hear how your day at work went for you.
Talk to you soon girl!
Sending hugs your way!
Love,
Beth

Hi Beth, I have to make this quick. I just got home and Have to feed the dogs and get supper going. I am praying for your Father-inlaw. Hopefully he'll come out of this the Grandkids need him. I did dog grooming with that friend I told you about today. This week she got a lot of dogs in so I'll be working Thurs. Friday and Sat. I'll be back on here later on tonight. Then I will try to tell you what it is like going back to work. It's not as bad as you think it is. It's just that first day of the week. I talk to you soon. Love Cathy PS. Do you know how to chat on this board? I haven't figured that out yet.

Hi Beth, I hope you are ok. You must be really on edge right now and climbing the walls but I know you will not let your kids see that. So write and vent to me. Work went ok today. I was still alittle stress leaving the house and I have to gage my friend's mood to make sure she is not going to go crazy on me. I just watch to see if she starts to get really manicy and if she is thinking pernoid thoughts. We groomed four dogs today and one was alittle land shark he bit me on my hand but didn't draw blood. I usually only work accouple of days a week. Last week I didn't work at all because her business went down hill ever since she had to be commited to the hosptial. But business seems to be picking up now but I still need to cut ties with her. So far I do not hang out with her outside of work anymore. As for being nervouse and stressed leaving the house. The first work day of the week is uncomfortable but by the second and third day the stress level is down. And if I start getting stress at work I just think of something pleasant and fun to do when I get home or pick up something at the store for myself on the way home to reward myself for going out of the house. Well Beth I am praying for you and your family. I'l talk to you soon. Love Cathy

Hi Cathy!!
Thanks for your warm thoughts for our family & my father-in-law. I appreciate all of the prayers sent his way!! He is such a good man, we need him to be okay!! Yesterday, they took him into surgery, but were unable to put another stint in the damaged heart valve. Also, the three previous stints that he'd had put in are now calicified & basically, reblocked. He's been taking a blood thinner & they are keeping him stable in the ICU, as well as getting that medication stopped & trying to "thicken" up his blood to be able to clot when he goes in for the double bypass surgery that he now needs to have. The same day that he had the heart attack, which was Monday, he'd fallen down a flight of steps due to the slippery conditions & has also hurt his knee pretty badly. So, they've had him all doped up on Morphine or whatever & he's pretty out of it. They are going to do an MRI of his knee today, as long as he stays stable enough with his heart, to be able to permit them to run such tests. Then, when that blood thinner medication gets out of his system, they'll go ahead & do the double bypass surgery. He's in for a hard road, but I'm just thankful, once again, that he was here & the paramedics got him to the hospital in time to prevent much permanent damage. The medical profession can do alot to correct heart problems these days. I'm happy that he's there getting it taken care of rather than it sneaking up on him due to not knowing..
Then, last night, we got hit with the heaviest snow storm of the year!! So far, we've gotten about a foot & a half of snow & we're still under advisory until nine o' clock tonight! There's a ban regarding driving on the roads, that unless its a verifiable emergency, no one is to be out driving or they could be ticketed. We'd planned on taking the kiddos up to the hospital today for a short time to cheer Grandpa up, but I've decided against it due to the weather, as well as that driving ban. I still have alot of anxiety while driving in the slippery conditions because of my accident last year where I totaled my car. I'd rather just stay here with the kids & not take the risk. We'll call him this afternoon & Matt has still gone to be with him, so he knows that we love him!!
Have you been getting this big storm up your way as well?? I've heard that eight hundred thousand people are already without electricity today, but I'm not quite sure where?? By the time that its done here, we're supposed to have well over two feet of snow! The temperatures are really not too bad, right around twenty degrees, but not with hardly any wind chill right now, as that's what usually gets us the worse!
Will you still be working if you get this kind of weather? How has it been going for you with the gal that your working with? Why'd she have to go to the hospital? Is she doing okay now, as it sounds like she's getting much busier again! I'm glad to hear that once your there at work for a day or so, that the anxiety begins to let up as you get more used to it. I'm hoping that it'll be the same way for me as well. I'm thinking that just getting back into the routine should help also. I guess that I'll know more after Tuesday.. I'm still nervous though!
How's your family doing? Are the dogs staying warm in the house with you guys? Is your man out shooting anything these days? Matt wishes that he could be right now!! Let me hear how everything's going with you. Thank you again for your strength & concern for our family! I'll let you know more as I learn more about his condition. Thanks so much for being here for me to listen to me through all of this! I really appreciate it!
Talk to you soon!
Love,
Beth

Hi Beth, How are you doing? Hows your father-inlaw doing? We got about 12 inches of snow yesterday. I didn't have to work. But I did go to see my P-Doctor and picked up my suboxone from the drug store. The roads were really dicey but luckly my doctor is about 10 minutes away. I did talk to the doctor about being nervous and stressed about leaving the house for work and getting overwhelm with things happening all at once. We had a discussion about putting me on something for my anxiety but I told her I would just try to re-organize my routine and she gave me some sugguestions for that. So far I am not doing that well I have to many appts. and working just these few days threw me right off. I got so overwhelmed I cancelled group this evening because I have to work tomorrow and I have another doctor's appt. tomorrow afternoon. I was afraid I didn't have enought time to get everything done so I panicked once again. I know this is crazy thinking but I got to figure out a way to do two things at once. I used to be able to do it before the addiction. I just have to teach myself again. Beth, maybe you can give me a few idea's after all you run a household and have two little ones and a teenager pulling you in differnt directions. I really shouldn't be laying this on you right now with everything you got going on but thanks for listening as you can tell I am still alittle freak out. Did anybody in your area lose power? The weather station said alot of people in the north east lost power. Does the weather effect Matt's job? You said he travels. I would hate to be traveling long distant in this mess. Did you get a chance to see your father-inlaw? Well, I have to go for now. I 'am going to make Jon's lunch for work before I go to bed. I hope everything turns out aright for your father-inlaw. Stay warm. Love cathy

Hi Dee, Thank you for the advise and support. You are always welcome to jump right in on any of my posts. I did buy a daily planner and after I read your post the first time today I sat down and try to write my routine out. Writing things out might work for me. I tend to like scuture in my life. Did you hear anything from Beth today? I hope her father-inlaw recovers. How are you feeling? The only thing worst than having the flue is have withdrawls. You are right about me getting more done than I realize. I thought about it, Before I got on suboxone I didn't care if anything got done and nothing did get done. But since I been on suboxone I actually care about getting things done and I try to get them done. But I think I am trying to get to much done. So thank you Dee for pointing that out to me. I feel better about myself now and I don't have to get everything done. Dee, I hope you have a restful night. I'll talk to you soon. Love Cathy

Good Morning Sweet Ladies!!
As always, thank you both for your kind words & concern. Sorry that I was unable to get back on here yesterday, as things got hectic around here. As Dee said, I logged on in the early afternoon, but had just started reading the new posts when Matt suddenly came home from work early & said we needed to leave for the hospital. They transferred his Dad to the VA Hospital in Cleveland, Ohio & that's about an hour and a half trip from our house. Also, not knowing the area very well, as well as the icy conditions, we wanted to try to at least get there in the "daylight" or whatever you consider these gray, cruddy days! I wanted to wait on Nadine to get home from school before we left though & Matt informed me that we were also going to be picking up his mother to ride with us.. Like you said, Dee, someone has to pray for her!!! (LOL!!) Anyways, I flew around the house, getting myself & the babies ready, as well as getting Nadine in gear when she walked in the door, so that we'd be on time to pick up his mom. It was done in record time around here & we got out the door & on the road. About five minutes before we got to his mothers house to get her picked up, she called & cancelled.. Aghh!! I'd been mentally preparing for when I saw her & sadly, what a relief I felt knowing that she wasn't even going!! Obviously, I still have issues with her. But this is supposed to be about his Dad, who's still hanging in there!! Like I said, he was moved to the VA hospital on Thursday night & got settled in. Yesterday, they started their own battery of tests & now we're awaiting these results, hopefully today?? If I'm understanding correctly, I believe that they're going to go into the heart with a cath again to investigate the damage. They're going to try to fix the healthy parts of the heart & see how much is "dead" or no longer working. It sounded to me like they were still hoping to be able to place another stint, despite what the previous hospital had said. Yet, they may get in there & realize or see the same thing as the other hospital. It's nice that he's able to get a second opinion as well & this is where his actual doctor works, so they already have an established, trusting relationship, which I know comforts him some. So, as of right now, we're waiting on the results & he's just trying to hang in there! He's extremely grumpy, as he's in alot of pain with his knee & getting restless, frustrated by just missing home. There's no place like home! He was very happy to see the kiddos & Matt, as well as his brother being up there too! I took him up some candy- just some Lifesavers & Cherry Drops, but you would've thought that it was gold! We spent several hours with him & Matt helped him get rearranged, as well as massaging his legs & feet for him again. He's barely able to move his legs right now.. He needs to get up & get moving. Not run a marathon or anything, but just to move around & get some of that stiffness out. Like I'd mentioned, he'd fallen down the stairs & I'm sure that he was quite sore, but he's been in bed since that same night & hasn't really moved much at all. I just get nervous of the thought of him being down for too long. Also, after a person has heart surgery, the doctor usually wants them up & walking around or getting some type of exercise. He won't be able to do that if they don't get these legs figured out as well.. We just still have many concerns & want to know what the game plan is going to be.. I'm thinking that we should know more today, at least, I'm hoping that we will!!
Dee, did you say that you also had stints placed? Do you still take a medication such as Plavix or a different blood thinner? Kumadin? (sp?) Have you also been rechecked to make sure of no "re-blockage" of those stints? I'm only asking because I would've never thought that he would've needed to or even thought that he should go to have them checked again. But the doctor made him sound like an idiot for making that presumption. It's exactly what I would've thought too! Yet, he's also not changed his lifestyle since those surgeries. He still drinks, smokes & eats tons of junk food!! But, what can I say when he doesn't want to hear it?? He definately needs to drop some weight to take some of that load off his heart!
Anyways, what's going on where you guys are? Cathy, have you still been working all these days? How are you hanging in there? How about your friend? Is she hanging in there as well? Are you guys doing okay working together? Has it been too much on you to work this many days in a row? I expect that your probably handling it all great on the outside, but how do you feel within? Are you okay? That's what I seem to often do, look like things are just peachy, but maybe close to a breakdown within me.. As Dee had mentioned, I also make many lists throughout my days!! I have grocery lists, phone calls that need made list, daily tasks list, a calender with my appointments all written out on it, etc. I'd never get anything done if I didn't have these to remind me. They also help to remind me of what I have gotten accomplished as well. I understand that feeling that your having, its almost like feeling that your running to stand still. No matter how much I get done in a day, I can never get "caught up" or get all that needs accomplished handled in one day, but it helps me from feeling overwhelmed & I do get things done. One at a time, I can check them off!! I get especially frustrated because I feel like I clean & clean, but as fast as I can clean, they can tear the place up at about triple speed & there's two of them!! I just have to laugh & realize that as long as they're young, I'm never going to get caught up. Therefore, I'm not setting myself up for failure, as I used to when I couldn't be SuperWoman & conquer the world before lunch! Then, feeling like I failed & of course, needed energy, it was the perfect excuse to go get them so that I "could get some things done.." I'm actually really thankful & even when I start to get frustrated by the kiddos (like last night, they wanted to play & run until one this morning because they slept on the way home from the hospital. I stayed up with them since Matt had to leave at five this morning for work. They finally went to sleep about one thirty & got back up at four thirty until just now. I'm already on my second pot of coffee this morning, but still can't see straight!) Anyways, I was feeling quite grumpy when I had to get back up so quickly, but it passed, as these babies are so loving to their Mama that it's impossible for me not to hold & snuggle with them!! They are such angels, such blessings to my life!! They adore each other & hug & kiss & snuggle up together to go to sleep!! They really melt my heart!! Then, there's Nadine!! LOL! This girl can turn on the drama, often, over nothing!! But I guess that's a thirteen year old, oh the seventh grade!! She's a really great girl though & I'm so very proud of how well she's doing. She's excelling in her life. School, sports, friends- she's loving life!! Good for her!! She deserves this, especially after what she's had to endure due to my past!! I'm really lucky to still be with my kiddos after some of the stupid things that I've done & I try to keep that in mind, especially when I get to feeling frustrated.
I'm going to close this up for right now & try to sneak a nap myself. I plan on being home all day & will be back on here shortly!! Hope you guys have a great day & I will talk with you soon!! Thanks again for your continued support & concern!!
Love,
Bethy

Hi Bethy,

I know we haven't talk in a while, but you and your family have been on my list of prayers. I'm in constant hopes everything turns out okay and maybe this will be a wake-up for your father-in-law. Start out small and work up to a routine of exercise and healthy foods. I'm just getting up to taking my meds for the day. It takes me ages to get it down. I wish it was a pill you could just take...maybe one day they will come up with one you can.

Back to you, you are the backbone of your family. God has given you this task to show you you are growing and helpfull.

Love,
Ms. Barbara

Hey guys,
How's the day going? I haven't gotten much of anything done today. I feel really tired out. I think that it's many things hitting at once that has me so worn down. It's been such a stressful week for me. Obviously, as well as for my family. We got back from the hospital late last night & the kiddos did not enjoy visiting the hospital, as they seemed scared to be there! They didn't sleep well last night & have been up & down throughout the day. They're a mess right now! Yet, I attempted to get them back to sleep & that was about a joke!! So, I'm giving it a short break before trying again!! Nadine went to the movies with my Mom & my sisters girls. Then, they were also going to eat lunch while they're out!! I think that it's really cool how my Mom treats & loves her grandchildren. Every one of them adore her!! Nadine was stomping all around here, pissy cuz she started her period. Like it's my fault?!? I told her to get used to it because I'm on it too & you know how that goes when women are living in the same house & get on the same cycle. Now is not the time to get snooty with me either, girl!! Anyways, its probably good that she got out of here for a while & she'll have a fun time!!
Dee, as you said, I've made it through this week without resorting to opiates!! It really is a milestone!! Its hard for me to believe that I'm already coming up on a year of recovery here this spring!! That's simply amazing to me!! As I've mentioned before, but where I was last year to where I am this year are just complete worlds away!! I'm very lucky & thankful to be alive & well, as well as with my family!! Thank you God!! I'm still so happy that the Subs even exist!! Such a complete life change & finally for the better!! It's given me the ability to actually be the backbone of this family & that's all I'd ever wanted. Just to be happy with what I have, because I am blessed with soo much!!! And as always, I have to tell my friends on here how important their friendships are to me!! I'd been off the opiates & on the Subs for quite a few months before things seemed to click into place that I felt like I really am recovering & this forum has definately been here for me through that transition. It makes me feel good to be able to see the changes, positive changes, finally!! It makes me feel proud of how I'm living my life & can look people in the eyes again!! Thank you for being here for me through all of this, through everything, as I really consider you girls my close friends!!
Also, Dee, about your stints & how you described them & what your doctor told you, is pretty much the same as what we'd originally thought.. That, as long as he remained on the Plavix, the metal wouldn't become re-blocked, but it has become blocked up again on all three of them. Yet, they've only mentioned a double bypass at this point, not only, but I just meant that they hadn't mentioned anything about needing a triple bypass & hopefully still won't. Still awaiting those test results today.. I haven't gotten any new update calls lately, so I'm going with the hope that no news is good news!! Plus, since its the weekend, we may remain waiting for a while..
Dee, I urge you to ask your doctor his opinion about the chances of your stints becoming re-blocked also. Hopefully, it'll be nothing, but I just hate to not say something to you when I'd recently learned that his did & we didn't even know that was possible. Then, like I said, the doctor acted like he was the idiot for not knowing! I don't want anything to happen to you girl!!
Well, I'm closing this up for now & reattempting to get these babies to nap!!! Here's keeping my fingers crossed!!
Talk to you soon!
Love,
Bethy

Hi Beth, I hope things are getting bettter for you and Matt's dad is doing ok. Almost a year off opoids, We have to have an on-line party for you in May. I hope you have found some time to take for yourself during this whole ordeal. If you don't mind me asking? What is the deal with your mother-law? It sounds like she has created some stress for you. Are you going to watch the super bowel today? I really don't get into football but I made some baked beans and hotdogs just in case Jon's buddy comes over to watch the game with him. Work was a little stressfull yesterday I mention before my friend who I work with is still using and she just sets off all my triggers. Jon said I have been in such a bad mood all week and he thinks its due to working with her and he ask me to reconsider about leaving the business and cutting ties with her. So I am serouisly thinking about it. Thank you Beth and Dee for the suggestion about a list. I wrote out a list this morning and it is going very well. Beth, I hope your father-law has a fast recovery and I hope your day has been going better for you. Love Cathy

Hi Dee, Your only 50 years old and had two heart attacks? That is really scarey to think about. I had a friend who had a heart attack in her late fortys. Hers was due to cocaine and crack use. I think she had bypass surgery and is doing ok. I met a Lady in her forty's and she had a major stroke but that was due to crack use. Please get your stents checked out. I told Beth that I started writing lists now and it is working out. It is kind of fun crossing things out when you completed it. Are you getting warmer weather? It hit the 40's here in NY. Dee, I hope you have an enjoyable Sunday. Talk to you soon. Love Cathy

Hi Cathy!!
How's everything going with you? I can definately understand how working with someone, much less a friend that you used to use with, would be a major, bigtime trigger for me as well!! I'd never be able to continue to keep that relationship seperated from the drug connection that my brain has with them. Such as that dentist. I'd walk into his office & literally, start having physical pains, so that it'd justify my needing of the pills that I was about to get. I could never seperate that connection once it was there. You know the old saying about "people, places & things.." But that is fact for me!! I can literally name one of all of the above that would make me think about using, if not several.. I'd also consider cutting your ties with her, especially if she is negatively affecting your mood! I also know how hard that can be when you care for someone, but you have to think of yourself first when it comes to your recovery. (as I'm sure that you know!) Maybe even consider making a list in this situation as well. Pros vs. Cons, or something along those lines..
Thank you again for your continued support & concern regarding Matt's Dad, as well as our family. He's currently in the VA (Veterans Hospital) up in Cleveland, Ohio, which is where he's had his previous surgeries done. They started running tests on him Friday, but we won't have any new results until tomarrow morning. He's stabilized & they're continuing to monitor him, as well as trying to keep him comfortable due to his knee pain. I'm really thinking that it's a good thing that he's at this hospital, where they know him & where his doctor is, as well as for the fact that he's also getting a second opinion. We're planning on getting ready to go visit him here shortly, as he's getting very restless & lonely feeling just laying there all day & night long. It'll be a week tomarrow that he's been in the hospital & seeing as how they've still not "treated" him, he'll still have to plan on being there for a while longer! I'm going to take him up some more candy & hopefully, the babies will help to cheer him up!! Maybe they won't be so scared this time since they've now been there before! Matt has been there everyday with him since he's gone into the hospital & plans to continue to do so!! I have so much respect for Matt when I see how he tends to his Dad & cares for him! He's an incredible man!! They both are. As for his mother, there are certainly some issues there!! I'll have to go into it more later, as it takes a bit of background explaining! Matt & her barely have much of a relationship & my relationship with her is basically non-existant! Like I said, I'll tell you the story soon, but have to get going for tonight, so that I can start getting everybody ready to get out the door!! We're not planning on watching the SuperBowl, as neither Matt nor myself really care one way or the other. Our television set has been tuned into the "House" marathon in between the Cartoon Network today! But the SuperBowl is always a fun time & good excuse for people to get together & we usually do enjoy going somewhere to watch it with family & friends, but not this year, with his Dad & how hectic things have been around here.
So, I'm going to close this up, but hope to check back on when we get home!!
I also haven't seen or heard from Sweet Nannamomma yet today & was wondering if everything's okay with her as well?? Dee, if you see this, I'd love to hear from you, even for a second, to know that all is well!! Talk to you guys soon!!
Love,
Beth

Hey there girls!!
How's it going for you ladies on this lovely Monday afternoon?? Dee, I'd imagine that your still at your class right now. How'd that go for you? Are they going to continue to help you out?? I know that you haven't been receiving much, but anything helps these days. Especially with this economy!! We were actually to the point of rolling change the other night to make it through.. Yet, I'm really trying to look at it like, it's already February & we've made it through the winter thus far. This winter, Matt didn't even receive his unemployment check that he usually gets. Then, Obama extended the length of time that people could continue to receive these unemployment checks, but that sure doesn't help if they haven't had enough work within the last year to be able to have enough time worked on the books to qualify for it!! Aghh!! Finances are stressful right now, but we're trying to keep it in check!! Remembering the blessings in our lives rather than complaining about what we don't have.. Matt especially struggles with the financial stress, but I can understand that, as the man of the family, he feels soley responsible & that it's his job to make sure that we're cared for. (that's how he feels) I have no problem with going to work a part time job, but it sure does bother him. Don't get me wrong, as he's understanding, grateful & supportive, but hates that I need to even work at all with tending to so many things at home. It's actually kind of been a blessing that he's had to be home so much, as he can now certainly see how much it takes to keep up around here!! It makes me feel so proud that he can see it.. He tells me that everyone can see it!! I've gained some weight back & he tells me that I have that "light around me again!" Often, I'll catch him looking at me, smiling & happy. He told me last night that he feels like he can count on me again!! This makes me feel great, like I'm walking on sunshine again, but not for the wrong reasons, so it's even better!!! So, like I was saying, although we're having alot of stress in our lives right now, our family is tighter & closer than ever!! The kids are thriving, excelling in life & Matt continues to remind me that is a direct result of how their Mama is doing these days!! He's full of long needed support & it makes it all the more important to me & my recovery, that we're still going forward together! That's a major motivation to me, as I'm so thankful to have this family & I'm definately willing to fight to keep them, or still be able to be here with them!!! Although, I'd stopped the pills last May, it didn't just make everything instantly better with all of the hurt & damaged relationships around me. It's taken awhile, but I'm certainly feeling like it's definately gotten soo much better & that gives me continued hope & pride!
Anyways, I'm just going on & on, as usual, but I'm feeling pretty good today & want to make sure that I acknowledge these kind of days as well!! I've actually gotten some good rest & feel more caught up. Like I said, I'm feeling good!! The sun is shining here & although we still have snow, the temps are definately warmer than they have been. I'm hoping that you girls are getting some sunshine as well!!
Cathy, did you end up having visitors for the SuperBowl? Was it a fun time for you? Are you working again today? Have you given any more thought to that whole topic? It's a hard thing to do, but also seems to be an easy decision. Of course, that's only from my view point, as I know that it's really not easy for you at all!! I still have a hard time when I start thinking of my girlfriend that I so badly miss!! Yet, I know that right now she's not a good influence on me & although, I know that I should be strong enough to be around these things, but not partake, I simply still do not trust myself in that situation!! I cannot risk it right now, as I feel like I have too much to lose!! I'm really looking forward to that first year of being off of the opiates, coming up here in May, as well as that OnLine Party!! LOL! Seriously though, I'm not willing to risk doing anything to jeopardize how far I've already come & my now bright future, once again!! I definately feel much better today than I did while using. I look forward to getting up in the mornings again, rather than just simply dreading everyday.. My depression feels like its lifting!! Of course, the sunshine today helps immensely!! But, I have that warm feeling inside that makes me realize even more of how good my life really is going!! I am blessed!! The friendships that I've made on here help me everyday & I look forward to getting on here to see how you guys are doing! Like Dee said, our bonds are getting stronger & I love that it's like this!! I'm so happy to have gotten to know you guys & how close we've become!! As I said, I'm feeling all warm & fuzzy inside today!! I think that by actually getting some rest that my Serotonin level had some time to refuel or something..
Ms. Barbara, I haven't heard much from you. How's your foot feeling? Have you gone back to the doctor to check on the healing process? Does he still think that you need to be off of it for another couple of weeks? I know that your going crazy being home all this time, but your so close now!! Are you hanging in there??
I need to finally close this up & get some laundry switched around, etc. I hope to get back on here in just a bit to read any of the new posts. If your there, maybe we can chat. If we plan to get on at the same time, then go to the "Home" page & Log In to chat. Hope to talk with you soon!!
By the way, Dee, did you call your cardiologist yet today?? Not trying to sound like a nag, just care so much about you girl!!
Talk to you soon!
Love,
Beth

Hey Ladies, Beth, don't you sound chipper today! That is a very good sign and something I am looking forward to! Dee, you better make it to the cardiologist and get your stress test. There might be nothing wrong but better to be safe than sorry and Beth would hate to lose you and the service you do for this forum. I would miss your posts even though I don't know you that well and I want to get a chance to. Beth, you have a great man. There is not very many of them left except for Jon. He feels the same way about me working but we really need the money. There are some sites I go on for tips on being frugel and a site for moms who want to save money I'll get that list together for you if you ladies are interested. Beth, how is your father-inlaw doing? I hope he sees your smiling face today. As for me and my friend I am not going to let her affect my mood today. I don't have to work with her until Wed. I see my counselor tomorrow and I am going to ask her to help me set up a game plan to cut ties with her. The sad part I still need the money but Jon said it is not worth my heath and recovery. It was just Jon and me home watching the super bowl. Jon and his buddy went out shooting yesterday at a gun club and his buddy decided he would just go home and watch the game with his girlfriend. So I had a relaxing evening while Jon was yelling at the TV(lol). Barb, I wanted to say Hi to you and I hope your foot is getting better. What kind of birds do you have besides parakeets? I hope your horses are doing well. I'll talk to you ladies soon. I want to thank you ladies for your friendship and support. I really look forward to your posts. Love Cathy

Hey gals,
How's everybody doing today? I wish that I was coming onto here feeling as I did yesterday, as those are the type of days that I long for. I don't know if I used up all of my "back supply" of serotonin or what exactly my deal is today.. I woke up with that yucky feeling of anxiety & unable to get comfortable and have remained "on edge" since then. I start my new job this evening & am wondering if that's a major cause of the way that I'm feeling. I'm nervous & already feel uncomfortable about being away from home and I haven't even started yet!! Cathy, like what we'd talked about before regarding leaving our "comfort zone" is what I believe that most of this anxiety is caused from. I continue to try & talk myself out of this, but almost feel like I'm fighting off a panic attack. I was trying to explain it to Matt & the tears just started rolling down my face. Maybe it's just stress, as there has been alot going on around here lately & also starting this new job.. I'm in hopes that once I get there & get going & get more used to it, then maybe I can settle down some. I just have this horrible feeling inside that I don't even want to go there at all!!! I'm praying for some inner peace today!! I wish that I felt like I did yesterday again today!! Sorry for going off about it- just having a hard day..
Dee, are you back at your classes today? How long does it last? What are they "teaching" you or what is their purpose in having you attend this class? Are you enjoying it at all or just tolerating it because you have to? It sounded like the woman you were referring to doesn't have much experience with us "druggies" and I'm glad that your there to show her another side of addiction!! It doesn't seem that many people really understand drug addiction very well, especially prescription addiction, as it could just as easily happen to them! But try to tell them that!! Who could have told us before we had to go through it? At least, me. I never thought that I could have a problem, until it was one! Even then, it was never even really a problem, as long as I had them.. It was only a problem when I didn't have them, as I know that you understand that feeling all too well.
Anyways, I'm almost feeling at a loss of words today & that is just not me. I'm sorry for being so negative, as I certainly don't want to bring anyone else down either! I'm trying to readjust my attitude & get myself "right" (or as close as I can get to right!) before attempting to start this job. That sure doesn't leave much more time... I need to focus on the good, positive aspects of life again. It's almost like a meditation for me. My health, recovery, my kiddos & hubby, the fact that I even have a job.. If I start to get to feeling negatively, it's like a big snowball effect on me, the depression seems to come rushing in from everywhere. Then, I feel overwhelmed & don't know how to fight it all off, don't even want to fight it all off.. Often times, I will simply try to restart my day, if possible. In a few minutes here, I plan on jumping into the shower & getting out to a fresh start on the day!!
Cathy, I hope your counseling appointment went well today & that you maybe have a plan of action for your work situation/dilema.. I will get back onto here later to try to catch up more on everything. Thank you for your support, as I sure feel like I need it today!!
Talk to you guys soon!
Love,
Beth

Hi Ladies, I am up late again. Beth, don't ever apoligize for what your feeling. We all have negitive days. The same thing happens to me. One day I'll be full of piss and vingar and the next day I just crash. You have had alot stress on you lately. Remember baby steps. Your stress should be less when you get your mind on your work. The hardest part for me is leaving the house. Try to keep in mind when your at work that you won't be there forever and in a few hours you will be on your way home. Make plans to stop by a store on your way home from work to buy your self something to reward yourself. It dosn't have to be expensive, body lotion, bubble bath or makeup or even a rose. As for my counseling session, Jon came with me today and we made a commitement that I would cut ties with my friend. So I called her and I told her I couldn't work with her anymore. She was not a happy camper about that. I will explain more tomorrow. My counseler wants me to go to the courthouse today and get a restraning order agansit her. But I am going think that through alittle more because that might make her even madder. Beth. let me know how work went and I'll talk to you soon. Dee, That teacher sounds like an idoit. Thank you for sticking up for us. You would make a great human resource person or advocate.Are you looking for a job on those lines. Does this place your going to school at offer $$$$ assistance for furthering your education? I am finally starting to get sleepy now. I talk you ladies soon. Love Cathy