Hi Beth! I lost your last post

Hi Beth, I seemed to have lost your last post to me. I still have a little problem finding my way around here. I finally got a few minutes to myself to post and catch up around here. The group went really well Thursday. My boyfriend has been coming with me for 2 weeks now since we are having our familes included for 4 weeks. It helps them learn more about addiction and what we have to go through. This group is run by my counselor so there is not alot of negitivity about sub. or Meth. It is really helping me and my boyfriend reconnect since a lot of trust was broken during my pill use. As for school, I might even want to take animal behavior to be a dog trainer. As for dog grooming I only know how to do basic cuts. After I got out of highschool I went to collage for a accounting degree. But I just like working with animals so much better. It is still in the single digits here. I live in a very small town (if you want to call it that) just between Rochester and Syracuse NY. My dogs live in the house but we got a hugh back yard that goes into the woods. So cleaning the house and making sure the dogs are clean takes up most of my time. I hope your babies are good. Do they like cold weather and snow? If you get snow I don't know what State your from. Have you checked into on line courses? Most major colleges have them now. I have to go for now. Talk to you soon. Cathy

Hey Cathy!!
It's great to hear from you!! I'm really glad that you've been lucky enough to find a group such as the one you have, as it sounds really helpful! I think it's a great idea to be able to have your significant other participate in anything that will help educate him about the disease. I understand exactly what your referring to when you talk about relationship struggles & broken trust due to my pill addiction. Our family, my husband has also been struggling to regain that trust in me, although I'm so glad to be able to say that today, we are getting much better! I didn't really know if we'd ever recover or be able to get back to this point, as there has been so much hurt there because of me!! It's been a particularly hard year. As we've been talking about this more & reflecting where we were last year at this time. It's been a difficult year for me, as well as my husband & family. It was exactly this time last year when my husband & family first found out that I was using again! It was horrifying for me to admit that, not only had I relapsed, (I'd been off the opiates for 2 & 1/2 years before this!) but I'd relapsed & I'd gone to using OCs, as well as Zanax, Adderall or both, if I had them. But the OCs were an everyday necessity!! Still can't believe that I'm not dead!! And, I have 3 kids, 2 of them are young babies... What could I have possibly been thinking?? I've wrecked 3 vehicles in that past year, as well as getting an OVI charge for the one accident. "Operating a Vehicle Impaired" Luckily, none of the accidents had anyone but me in the vehicle! Especially because I was the one who spent 90, probably 95% of the time with the kids. I'm so very lucky, like I said, to even be alive, much less still be here with my children & husband!! I've been given a second, third & fourth chance, but I really do not have another!! I know this better than anyone. I struggled the first half of last year trying to "regain sobriety" in many different ways, but nothing was working for me & I was giving up hope thinking that I'd be able to recover from this.. I have to admit that I really did just feel like giving up! I was so tired of fighting! Again, I feel so very lucky for being able to find the Subs & for being given this very last chance, as I refuse to blow it again!! The Subs help give me the confience to know that I won't blow it!! I started taking them in May & my life, as well as my family's lives, have all continued to get better & stronger, healthier since then!! I am very grateful! I appreciate you asking about the babies. They are feeling better, but it has been just too wicked cold to have them out in the snow right now. The temperatures here have been in the negatives, without even including what it feels like outside with the wind chills! Brr!! We live in Ohio & get cold winds blowing down from Canada across the Great Lakes, mainly Lake Erie. Probably as you do being in NY!! We've pretty much been confined to the house throughout this past storm.. The schools are all closed as well as my hubby being slow with work due to the temps.. He's able to get out to go to the grocery store if need be, but not what we want to have the babies out in if we don't have to..
It does sound like you have your hands full with your dogs, but what a great thing to be busy with!! "Man's/WoMan's Best Friend!!" I love our dog. She's like another member of the family & is amazing to the kids! Her name is Chloe & she's a black lab. What kind of dogs do you have? Are all 5 the same breed or what types do you have there? Do you enjoy both small & large dogs? Do they all get along well together? I couldn't imagine tending to that many dogs right now, but that's only cause I already feel overcrowded. When the babies are older & we have the room for them to run free more often, then maybe I'd enjoy it.. I think that it's a natural talent & if you have that passion for animals, you should try to get back into school to integrate what you love with something that you can make a career out of!! What better way to make a living than by doing what you love!! I have heard about the online classes, but have to admit that I haven't checked into them very well as of yet. I was really counting on that financial aid to help with the costs & if its not going to come through, then I'm pretty much left with my hands tied about taking any type of classes right now, unfortunately! I'm really trying to look at it like it must not be the right timing, but I do have to admit that I'm disappointed. I've really been looking forward to getting back into classes! (for around 8 years, but this is the first time that I've ever stepped up to make it possible & yet still feel like "I'm running to stand still..") Just get frustrated, but have to believe that its for the best!!
Well, its time for me to close this up & get some diapers changed!! The story of my life!! Yet, as you know, how thankful I am!
Your Friend,
Beth

Hi Cathy!!
How's life going for you today?? Have you woken up feeling good & smiling? I'd pretty much say that I have, although I've really barely slept too much yet. My kiddos can make sleep difficult, especially between the two of them. Luckily, my teenaged daughter sleeps better than anyone here. Yet, she also had a rough night as she told me this morning that she threw up in the middle of the night.. She puked all over her bed, so she changed clothes & slept on the floor!! I told her this morning to at least go get the sheets & blankets, so that I can rinse them & get them re-washed for her. It's never ending around here. Between the kids, which includes a 13 year old, then a one & two year old, the dog, my hubby & his Dad. Well, it just keeps me running!! Its overwhelming for me at times, but I feel very lucky & blessed to be here. The Subs gave me the chance to salvage my relationship with my family. Thank You God!!
Well, I just wanted to pop in & say hello! Hope your having a great day & staying warm!! Hope to talk with you soon!
Your Friend,
Beth

Cathy,
When ever you need to find a certain post that someone has made, you can go to the top of the page to where it says "members" click on the name of the person who post you are looking for, it will bring you to their profile page. When you are veiwing their profile you can click on " find all posts by..." and click on it. That will take you to all of their posts.

I hope this finds you doing well, and finding all that you need. We are here for you. You are an amazing person and I do hope that you will be with us for a very long time.
Yours,
Dee

Hi Dee, Thanks for the info. You are up late. I am slowly but surely finding my way around here. I love this forum. Everybody here is great.

Hi Beth, It sounded like you had a pretty busy Sunday. I hope your teenager is feeling better. There is nothing worse than throwing up in the middle of the night. As for my dogs, I have 3 German Shorthair Pointers 1 Lab-Dobie mix and 1 Westy-Maltees mix. The westy mix is only nine lbs but he is the boss over the other dogs. They all get along pretty well. But sometimes there is a fight over little things like toys or food. I hope you have a great Monday morning. Talk to you soon. Cathy

Hi Dee, I also worked as a Vet. Tech. I worked nights on the emergency shift for several years. I really didn't have a addiction problem at that time. But I did handle alot of the Narcotic Meds. there. I had a key to the pharm. So I know what you mean. The temptation now will be too great for me. I made a mistake requesting to go on the day shift. I was getting to depressed on the night shift. People were bringing their animals in when it was too late to help them so I was invold in alot of Euthenasia(bad spelling). I got hurt on the day shift. I was out of work for acouple of months and that is were my addiction really kicked in. The doctor gave me RXs of oc's and then hydro's. I just went crazy with them. That lasted for about 8 years. I try to get clean on my own but couldn't do it. Then I went to detox Nov. 2007. I was clean for about 5 months and then I relasped. My addiction was worse than ever. I would take any opoid I could find. Then in August I finally got on Suboxone. It saved me. I have to go for now. Dee, Thank you for listening to me. Cathy

Hi Cathy,
I guess that I messed up because I responded to this post, but in a different place. It's under the heading, "Hi Bethy, I miss you!"
I wanted to thank you real quickly for asking about my daughter. She is much better today! She only threw up that one time. She felt a little yucky yesterday during the day, but by last evening, she was eating & back to normal! Today, they had school off for MLKJr Day. I was glad that she had the time off, so that she could get rested up & be ready to go for tomarrow!!
In my other post to you, I made a reference to a tale from my past, but put off going into any details. It reminded me of something that'd happened, but as I started to think about it & trying to figure out how I wanted to word it, well, I guess that I basically just "chickened out!" I thought to myself that I didn't want to air out my dirty laundry on you. I'm just beginning to get to know you and don't want you to get a bad perception of me due to stupid mistakes from my past. Yet, oddly, I feel you wouldn't be someone who'd judge me for my past. Not oddly because of you, but because I barely know you. The reason that I'm telling you all of this is because I've since been thinking about that, I want others to share their lives with me, but am I not willing to do that as well? I try to conversate as much as possible, but don't go much into my past details & that's something that I'm going to try to do more. I've began to realize that the more I share & get these embarressing memories talked out, the better I am for getting them out of me! It seems that I can't just forget about them, but once I do talk them out & deal with it, then I'm able to put it behind me! Soo, the conclusion that I've come to is that I'm going to start putting parts of this story out there as I'm thinking of it..
I'm going to close this up for now & get the babies into their pj's.
Talk to you soon!
Yours,
Beth

Hi Beth, I am glad your daughter is feeling better. Thank God it wasn't the babies throwing up. I am still alittle confused were to post on here. It seems like I am posting all over the place. As for telling me about your past, you can tell me what you feel comfortable with. Believe me, I have a lot of skeltons in the closet. If you feel better about it you can PM me. I will not judge you. I am sure us older people on here have been there and done that already. Well I am going to read your other post now. I hope you have a restful night and I'll talk to you tomorrow. Cathy

Hi Cathy!!
It's nice to hear from you!! Thank you for your "open arms" regarding my past. I'm sure that you really do understand the same type of things that I've gone through.. I really hate to admit to some of the "escapades" & self-induced painful memories of my past! It's been a long, ugly road! Sometimes, I look back at where I made crucial decisions, (forks in the road type decisions) I didn't even realize how important those decisions would end up being!! But also at that point, I was only a kid. I was sixteen when I first started taking these. Not the OCs, but the Vicodins & Valium. I played softball at a very competitive level, where we traveled all over the USA all summer long, playing in tournaments. One of my coaches is a dentist. Long story short, after I graduated from high school, I was in my second year of college, living with my high school sweetheart, when I found out that I was pregnant. I married him & went to work as a dental assistant for my softball coach. The marriage was a bust, literally. I left, with our then 7 month old daughter, on our one year anniversary. I still worked at the dental office & the dentist was still continuing to give me more & more pills, as my tolerance was growing, so was my stress level, so he was giving me more to help cope with this, that & the other. For him, it was control. He enjoyed having me "need" him, especially due to an incident that occured with him, while out of town, staying in a hotel, the summer that I was sixteen. He liked having me under his thumbnail, so to speak.. Yet, I allowed this for too many years! I worked for him for eleven years before I finally saw all of this (& him) for what it is!! Actually, somehow during that time period, I had myself convinced that he loved me & was helping me, etc. He remained an authority figure over me nearly my entire adult life, until this whole incident occured. I thought he considered me his best friend! DUH! (also, all of this happened before Matt & I were together, as I know things would be much differently now! We were running around together at the time, but not in any kind of a relationship.) Anyways, while still working there, I had a seizure while driving my car, obviously wrecked it, & broke my hip. Being a single Mom at that point & getting nothing but BS from her father at every corner in the road, I didn't take the time that I needed to heal properly!! I couldn't be down for six weeks, I'd lose everything that I'd worked so hard to obtain. (again, one of these "forks" that I was referring to earlier) I pretty much went right back to work, but I was taking massive amounts of hydrocodone, (Vics, Lortabs, Norcos) as my tolerance was so high by then & being in severe pain, that's the amount that I needed by that point. I was also taking Valium that was prescribed to me for my anxiety, but also getting more from the dentist. That's also what started happening when the prescription that I was getting from my hip doctor wasn't lasting me long enough to make it until my next appointment, I started getting "extra" to get me by until my next appointment, as the dentist didn't want me to have to miss work either! He'd been giving me pills all along throughout the years, as it was, but didn't normally prescribe them to me. He'd get them, then pass them along to me. But when I began needing more than what he had in the supply closet, (as I had a key by this point & basically cleaned it out everytime that he refilled it!) At this point, he began either calling them in for me or giving me the prescription, with his signed name on it, & let me "reasonably" fill it in. (yeah, right!) I was so ignorant to the law that I thought as long as I had a valid prescription, there were no problems. I was wrong, as its against the law to get prescriptions for the same type of narcotics from more than one doctor at a time. The pharmicist brought it to my attention because the last rx that I'd filled from the dentist was for 75 Vicodins. He thought that was an excessive amount of pills for a dentist to be writing for, especially when he knew that I worked for him & was also getting a prescription from the hip doctor. This is a local, small town pharmacy, where everyone knows everyone, and where I still go today. He also told me that he wouldn't call the authorities if I checked myself in for treatment. I agreed that I would go, but can't really say that my heart was too into it.. At this point in my use, no one around me, other than the dentist, had any idea about my pill habit. I had to confess all of this to my parents, as I needed them to allow my daughter to stay with them while I was in the hospital, getting detoxed. They had a hard time understanding why, if I knew that I had a problem, (as of this time, I was taking around 30 pills per day, 10mg Lortabs or VicHP, as well as the Valium from the dentist & my rx had changed to Zanax from my anxiety doctor) but they just didn't get it. If I knew that I had a problem, then why not just stop taking them? Come on girl, use your willpower!! This just pissed me off!! I understood that my Mom just had no concept of the power of addiction, but my Dad is an alcoholic & I expected understanding from him, while what I got was resentment & denial. It took me a long time to realize that even if he is an addict, it has nothing to do with my addiction. I can only control me, which seems so obvious, but I couldn't seem to get past that hypocritical attitude that he was throwing my way, couldn't for many years. All my life, I grew up swearing that I'd never grow up to be an alcoholic, as I saw the problems that it was causing my Dad & all of his siblings, as well as my Grandpa & all of his siblings, etc. As I was growing up, I saw my Dad lose two of his younger brothers to alcohol or drug related accidents, both at age 25, just a couple of years apart. My Dad didn't know how to cope with that hurt, so he withdrew & drank until he passed out each night. He's a functional alcoholic, if not an exceptional one. He's never been in any legal trouble or lost a job or anything too really drastic, but he still drinks until he passes out every night. How long can a person get away with that? Even if its none of the above consequences, his health is already an issue because he has very high blood pressure. Its so high that he takes 3 different meds for it & every one of them says that you cannot drink alcohol while taking them. He figures that must mean someone else, as it doesn't affect him. (obviously, that's why you have to take 3 seperate meds to try to keep your BP under control!) Now I'm way off subject.. I told my parents & went to an inpatient treatment center, located in a local hospital where I could first medically detox, then get treatment. I was in my second day of detoxing & can still barely remember the next few events. I was in a wheelchair due to my hip still being broken & was out of it due to the meds they were using to detox me. These were before the days of the Subs. A counselor came up to me & wheeled me out to the hall, where two policemen stood waiting for me?? I've never been in any legal trouble for anything beyond a speeding ticket or a car accident, nothing criminal! Apparently, during one of my sessions with a doctor or counselor or someone, they'd searched through my belongings & found a blank prescription with the doctors name signed on it. They called the authorities & I was arrested out of rehab! I was released on a "Signature Bond" until I had to go to trial for big time charges that I was facing. After they checked into my past use & how much I'd admitted to using while in the detox, they were throwing the book at me! Nobody around me could understand why they had such a "hard on" for me! (pardon the term!) I figured it out soon enough. They wanted the dentist, as apparently he was writing prescriptions to more people than just me. Like I said, I thought that we loved each other, so I figured that they should get one of those other people that were involved to testify against him. God, I'd known him for around 15 years at that point & put all of this guilt (& blame) on my shoulders. I was a drug addict with no self esteem & didn't want to get the person who loved me into trouble! I took all the charges myself because I didn't want him to lose everything due to me!! (his practice, his license, his building, his properties, etc.) I went to trial & even though the judge was sympathetic, his hands were tied. I was sentenced 7 months in prison, suspended jail time if they could find a treatment center that would take me because I have epilepsy. I stayed in the county jail for two months while they looked. They finally came to me, told me that they found one & I would be transferred there when they had a bed become available. Three weeks later, I was transferred to a "lock up treatment facility" in lieu of prison time. I got there, got settled & got into a routine. I stayed there for a month before they realized that I was unable to work or drive at that time due to seizures. (you have to be seizure free for six months before you can be released to work or drive & I wasn't) So, I wasn't allowed to stay there. The counselors at that facility suggested that I be sent home on house arrest for the remainder of my time. I need to check to see if this is getting too long for me to send, as that has happened to me before. So, this may cut off here, but I'll try to pick it back up near the same point..

Hi girl. I guess that I sent that one already, but I only meant to make sure that it was savable.. I guess that I should just continue on from here. I hope that your not thinking horrible thoughts about me right about now, the worst is yet to come! This is NOT a pretty story, my friend?? (it may be questionable by the time that you finish reading this!)
As I'd said, I'm living in a "lock up treatment Facility" about 45 minutes from home, but after the first month in this program, your expected to maintain a fulltime job while living there & you turn your paycheck into the facility, where they "hold it" for you. While there, your expected to pay for your spot in the program & they just take it straight out of those paychecks, then give you the correct amounts to pay certain bills, etc. The concept being to train the people to become responsible for their money. Since I wasn't allowed to drive nor work until I had six months of being seizure free & was still currently having them (as stress is a major trigger of seizures, as well as having my meds completely stopped while in the county jail. That place just put me into "Isolation" to have the seizures over & over. They could be controlled, if I could be back on the proper meds) so my doctor would not, under any circumstance, release me & this facility demanded that release or I couldn't stay there. They urged the courts to send me home on house arrest for the remainder of my sentence, which was four more months!! Unfortunately, that was not an option & I was sent to State Prison. Please keep in mind that I'm from a small farming town in Ohio. My graduating class had 73 people in it. I'd never been in any trouble before, prison?? For Vicodin? I was going to the "Ohio Maximum Security Womens Correctional Facility" located in Marysville, Ohio. This was about four hours from home, but every woman in the state that goes into prison has to go here first & stay for a minimum of 40-45 days for the State to get their money for each woman. I barely remember leaving the County jail around 3:30am, as they come & wake you up in the middle of the night to tell you that your leaving. They won't let anyone know exactly when they are leaving for precautionary purposes. For those thinking of escape or suicide rather than State Prison. I'd definately have to admit that the thought went through my mind every five minutes, but it was a thought that I'd never follow through with. At least trying to escape.. Suicide was a whole other matter. It was a VERY difficult time, especially just being dropped from my meds as I was.
I pretty much went into shock at this point. Maybe even before, while I was waiting to go.. I got to State Prison on April Fools Day! I thought to myself that this was some cruel F-ING joke that I was playing on myself. After all, I felt that I deserved this! I'd just devestated my entire family, my daughter. That's what broke my heart. My poor daughter, she's innocent, yet feeling the pain of addiction through her Mama!! Matt & I had been running around together for several years at that point & had just started to take it to the next level. (which I was in no condition for a relationship at that time, but we made it through until the "right" time, hopefully!) Still hanging on, closer than ever today!
So, I got out of the van that transported prisoners, that cold, gray, April day & felt like I might throw up at any minute. I walked into "Reception" where they strip you down, check you inside & out, send you to the showers, check you again, then send you for a physical. Mind you, these are not female officers doing the searches nor observing the showers, etc. There are female officers there, but few & far between. You are put into a brown one piece suit that zips up the front. You are allowed no personal belongings. No bras or underwear or socks, until the regular clothes are distributed 3 days later. Just that brown suit & flip flops that showed everyone there that you were "brand new!" They hand you a night gown, sheets & a pillow. (if there are enough pillows at the time) They stop giving out winter coats as of April. So even getting there on April 1st, I received no coat, even though there were six inches of snow on the ground. There were so many people everywhere, all in different colored shirts, depending on what crime they'd commited to be put in there. But for the first month, everyone goes to the same place, all together. I walked into this building that they call "Hale" but with their accents, it sounded just like "Hell!" It was a huge warehouse of prisoners!! There were ten rows of bunk beds that went fifty people down. There were five hundred women in one big room, all packed together like sardines, with five "guards" walking around once in a great while, but usually all sitting up in their area, talking. Like I said, everyone went there first, then we were divided up by our crimes & housed seperately after the first thirty days. They showed me what row my bunk was in & said Good Luck! They were both laughing as they walked away & they were the guards!! I was petrified!! I walked down the row to my bunk & it was on the bottom. That was due to the fact that I'm epileptic & was having uncontrolled seizures throughout this ordeal & they'd be held liable if I had a seizure on a top bunk & fall out & get hurt or whatever. It was their rule, nothing that I had any say about in the situation. That was an instant problem!! The girl sleeping on the top bunk next to me got all pissed off because "Look at that skinny, white ho! Who she be blowing to get the good bed?" She's looking at me, going "Huh, Bitch?? You think you special??" I'm thinking to myself, why didn't I just kill myself back when I had the chance?? Why did I even come here? I was scared & depressed. I was sleeping next to killers & rapists, seriously. In the immediate area around my bunk in those first few weeks, it was a joke among these girls that I was the only "sweet" one amongst us. That's not necessarily a good thing, I'm thinking. I could not sleep as I was constantly on guard, watching my surroundings. The girl next to me had shot her boyfriend. On the other side, she'd been convicted of killing her eight month old baby. On top of her, a girl & her wife lured their coke dealer over to the house, robbed him, then shot him, put him into the trunk of his car, drove it about a half an hour away & set it on fire. The scariest thing to me was that they seemed proud of their crimes.. I don't want you to get me wrong though. The most common women there were the ones with drug addictions & this was NO place to help make it any better, as you could get whatever you wanted or needed in there just as easily, just more expensive! There were also good woman there who were simply there due to their drug habit, but due to a man! The numbers were astounding! It was disgusting to me!! I just couldn't believe where I was!
I have to stop for now & see about saving this or if I have to "Publish" it again, but I need to spend some time getting these kiddos into bed. I'll plan on continuing this later, if your even still interested in hearing more, just let me know if your not wanting me to continue. If not, I'll plan on trying to pick this back up in the morning, unless I can get some more time later tonight. Like I said, I sure hope that I'm not scaring you off! This is why it's so hard for me to bring these things up, but I need to find ways to let some of these issues go!!
Thanks for taking your time to listen to me!!
Talk to you soon!
Your Embaressed Friend,
Beth

Beth, Please don't be embaressed! OMG you were living a nightmare! It all started with that Dentist(coach) taking advantage of a minor. He knew exactly what he was doing to you. He wanted you always under his control. (Sick F--K) I hope this dosn't get deleted. Your post is alot to take in all at once. But I assure you, YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON! You been taken advantage of. I can't even imagine what you went thru in treament and in jail. I would of most likely had done myself in being that scared and no way out. I just think the courts wanted to make an example out of you. Weren't any of these people responsible for making sure you had the right meds. Is that dentist still in practice? You and your husband must have a pretty strong relationship, He stayed by your side and Your childred love you, so how can you be bad, you are not! You just made the same mistake we all did and we ended up with an addiction. I never been in jail , but I could of been. I stolen pills something I thought I would never do because I always thought I was an honest person but the pills sure changed that. I found out I was a really good liar and I was capable of stealing. I have to go for now I am getting sleepy. I'll talk to you soon. Your friend Cathy

Hi Cathy!
I just spent about a half an hour responding to your above post, then I somehow closed out the site & lost everything that I wrote. My gosh, it almost just happened again! Obviously, there's a key somewhere on this keyboard that will basically "restart" all of the programs I'm running!! I just need to figure out which one it is, so that I can avoid it, but so far everytime that I've done it, it's been an accident & I don't know how I did it??
Anyways, I'd written to you to thank you for your continued support, despite the horrifying confessions that I put out there last night! I've never told anyone all of these details, other than what my hubby knows from going through it with me, but no vivid details of what I endured while going through those type of places. I always feel like these type of things would only hurt the people closest to me more than what they already are!! Like Matt & my Mom & sisters.. They don't even need to know anything about that disgusting world!! I am very lucky to have a strong relationship with both Matt & my Mom again! I don't know what I would do without either one of them. They have remained by me, full of support & love. They've believed in me, in the person that I am on the inside, without the drugs. They've each told me that they've wanted to give up on me throughout this whole thing, but couldn't do it when they still believed in the real me!! I can't even tell you how much that means to me!! Especially, when I went to jail, I found out who my true friends really are & who the users were, as well!! Like the dentist. He let me take the whole fall, but made sure to send money while I was in there & save my job position for when I got back home. Once I let Matt in on the whole story, there was no way that he wanted me to return to that job position. He said he'd never tell me what to do, but he couldn't stay with me if I still needed to be there as well. I don't blame him for feeling that way & I agreed that it was not in my best interest either. Sparing all of the gory details of incarceration, I was released at the end of July & Matt was waiting to pick me up in the parking lot. As I know that I continue repeating, but I'm so thankful that he's been right here with me through all of this BS, as well as my daughter & Mom. We went home & got things back to normal.. Life was actually going really well. I got a job as a waitress, working on the weekend nights and spent many, many hours with my daughter, Nadine, trying to repair the hurt I'd caused her throughout this whole ordeal. Luckily, she gave me the opportunity to repair our bond, as its now closer than ever!!
I stayed off the opiates when I came home using "sheer willpower" with the vivid memories of what I'd just gone through as a perfect incentive for a life change! Matt & I were great, fixing up the house together, spending long hours holding hands & talking, spending time with Nadine together, creating happy memories. I'd been sad & depressed for so long that when it lifted, I felt like I was walking on sunshine!! I was in a Yoga class with my closest girlfriend & she has a son that is Nadine's age, so they'd play basketball while we were in our class. Like I said, life was going well, but the opiates were never far from my mind & I hadn't done anything to try to change, other than just staying off them. It seemed to be working, but I can see now where I just once again had tricked myself.
About a year later, I found out that I was pregnant. This was such exciting news for us, as we'd been trying for a while now & every month when my period would come, I'd see the disappointment all over Matt's face. I have health issues & when I was younger, (fifteen years old) I had cysts removed from my right overy & issues with the left one, as well. They told me that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. It had been such a shock with Nadine & was explained as a fluke, that it'd most likely never happen again! But we still had hope! Once I found out that I was pregnant with Caroline, we were all surprised, including the doctor. He put me on "light duty" if I were to work at all, it needed to be in the second trimester only. He was concerned about how well my body would be able to carry the baby & for how long? We wanted to try to make it be as long as possible! Other than having "morning" sickness my entire pregnancy, as well as afternoon, evening & night sickness, that was the only issue that I had throughout the whole pregnancy! She was born perfect, with bright red hair, during a tornado in June! I always say this was my foreboding of her future personality! She was an extremely difficult baby as she was very colicky & cried so often. We bought boxes upon boxes of Mylicon, (an anti-gas medication for infants) & switched formulas for her, but nothing seemed to work very well. She'd barely sleep at night, an hour or two at a time & I felt like I was starting to go nuts from lack of sleep! I felt like a zombie, walking into walls, etc. I also forgot to mention that when I was sent home from the hospital, I was given a prescription for Vicoprofen. It worked well for me, but only if I took a handful at once, as remember, I was already an addict & as soon as I had a taste, my tolerance picked up right where it'd left off, if not worse. I went through those very quickly & as my doctor didn't know about my habit, he called me in several refills. (once because I'd lost them, another time because I'd dropped them, etc, etc.) After several refills, the nurse made a comment to me & I figured that I'd better not push my luck any further. I just called my family doctor, went in for an appointment with him, with my newborn daughter in my arms, explaining my hip pain & why I needed Vicoprofen. He prescribed it for me for a few months, but once I found out that I was preganant again four months later, I had to go back to the OB/GYN. Yet, I wasn't nearly so excited about this pregnancy, as I'd not had a full nights sleep in months & felt like, "How can I be pregnant? I already have a baby that's only four months old." I was petrified to have two & that feeling of "dread" stayed with me throughout my pregnancy. Also, when I was pregnant with my son, Matty, I carried him very low & didn't gain much weight at all. I weighed 135 pounds when I delivered him. But due to where I was carrying him, my hip was really hurting again & of course, my addiction, but I was still in denial again by that point! My OB/GYN prescribed me VicHPs throughout my entire pregnancy. After I delivered him, I was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression before even leaving the hospital & they instantly had me on meds for that, but he didn't want to continue refilling the Vicodins if I was suffering from depression. He told me that could potentially lead to abuse of the pain meds, but also, he didn't want someone with depression having any quantity of meds like that around for suicide risks. I was sent home with that one rx for twenty, which wouldn't even last me a day.. After getting home & getting somewhat settled, well in the next few days, I started making calls to "hook up" because I didn't know how I was going to make it since my doctor was cutting me off. I didn't want to call the dentist because I'd tried to close that door, as I'd been changing my life for the better, or so I thought.. (another one of the forks in the road references) I called an old "friend" that I used to swap around our rx's with each other & he told me to come on over. I bet you that I drove 90 miles per hour, with a 13 month old daughter & two week old son, to his house to get those. After arriving & saying hello, getting those niceties out of the way so we could get down to the real reason that I was there, getting pills! But he explained to me that he no longer got the VicHPs as he'd used to because his doctor had switched him to OCs. He assured me that the doctor told him that they were safer than the hydros because there is less aceteminophen in them & that they were less addictive.. (what??) Plus, he threw in, you only have to take one of these & its like taking 4-5 of the Vics! You'll love them!! Well, you know darn well that I wasn't going home empty handed. So, that's when I started getting the OCs & from there, my addiction just continued to get worse & worse! My tolerance was higher than ever & then I started snorting them. That started last winter, while I was a bartender & manager of a popular bar in a busier city about 45 minutes from home, but only about 5 minutes from my "hook up!" He'd bring them to work for me if that was the easiest or wait across the street. I'd be making good money in there & walking out the door to spend it on pills to snort up my nose. Then, being the manager there, I hired my closest girlfriend that I was talking about earlier & we were on a roll!! She has a pill addiction also, but is in denial about it. She snorts Adderall all morning & afternoon, then Zanax at night! That was great for me!! I had two infants at home, as well as a twelve year old just starting her monthly girl stuff. I was overloaded, then working until three thirty in the morning, well, those Adderalls sure did help give me more energy! Then, as the shift was closing, go snort another OC with a Zanax, so that I'd be tired by the time that I got home. Home was forty five minutes away!! These are the times that I wonder what could I have possibly been thinking? I'm snorting 80mg OCs along with Adderall & Zanax, as well as throwing back how many shots throughout my shift, then my girlfriend & I smoking a joint on the way home! This is four thirty in the morning by this point & Matt has been home with the babies, as well as Nadine & my girlfriends son, since three thirty the previous afternoon. And that was a common occurance!! I just still can't believe that I'm not dead!!

OOPS! I didn't mean to send that yet..

Hi Beth, God must have plans for you! He wants you on this earth. You are soo lucky to be alive. Didn't you ever overdose at that time? You remind me of a cat with nine lifes. Reading your posts is like reading a sepence book. That is what you should do is write a book on everything that happen to you. You wouldn't have to use your real name if you didn't want to. A book could help a lot of addicts get out of this h-ll hole of addiction. You are a great writer. You should really look into that. I know all about those using friends. I have been slowly trying to detach myself from a friend that I known since junior high school. She is cross addicted to opoids and drinking. She does not want to get clean, and she is so bad right now she gets psychic and been in the mental ward 2 times in the last few months. The last time she went in she tryed to kill her pet with a knife because she thought he was possed by her father's soul. Luckly her husband was home and stopped her before she killed him. She Started to slit his throat. He is still alive now her sister took him into the vet to get emergeny care. Her Husband took her to the hospital. So if anybody on this forum has any advise how to detach without alot of hard feelings please let me know! When I tryed breaking away from her in the past she used to create a lt of problems for me by calling members of my family and my bossess thinkinng she could get me in some kind of trouble. My counseler wants me to get a restraining order against her but I think that will make things worse. I am sorry Beth, I am making this all about me when I only wanted to write and tell you you are a strong lady and I really respect your courage. Well Thanks for listening. And Girl You Keep On Writing. Your Friend Cathy

Hi Cathy!!
Thank you again, my friend, for the warmth in your response! It's disgusting for me to look back & think about these horrible things that I've done, much less to admit these such things to others! But as I've said, along the way, I've figured out that getting these thoughts out of my head & sharing them, as well as being able to see what I've written in black & white, has only helped me be able to deal with them. If it helps someone else also, I'm all about it!! I was trying to explain to my hubby what it is that I enjoy so much about coming on here. The best way that I could think to describe it was to compare it to a journal that offers feedback on what I've written. A journal with friendships & understanding of the issues that I struggle with. As he's been around the house more lately with his work being slow, he's been helping me get some alone time to be able to get onto this forum & write. He knows that I really enjoy it & that it's helping me!! Some of the girls on here are common household names between us, as I talk about these friendships with him often! He's just so proud that things are going so well!! He keeps thanking me over & over lately. This is really good for us because it wasn't too long ago that I wasn't sure if we were going to make it through this together! Even after I stopped, I could still feel his anger & any little thing could bring up the past & have him all pissed off, all over again. It wasn't looking good!! Yet, lately, we've been confined to the house for quite a while. More me than him, but he's been around more than ever & got a good reminder of what home entails also!! He's gotten a taste & a look at how I spend my days & what I get done, he's thankful to have me around once again. That feels great, rather than feeling like he's forced to stay with me, due to our young babies together & the fact that we want to raise them together.. If that's what kept him with me through difficult times, well thank God, but now I can feel the love & respect coming off of him once again! I can see how he's looking at me & its with pride. It does make me feel proud inside!! I'm really lucky to be with this man!! Our family is doing well!! He told me last night that our family was doing so great because they were all following Mama's lead! I found out last night that Nadine made it on the Honor Roll for the second semester, as well. She's had a 4.0 for the first half of the school year!! It makes me feel so very happy inside that she is exceeding in & enjoying life! As well as my little baby monkies!! LOL Yes, I am so very lucky!!
I'm sorry to hear that your also having to deal with cutting off beloved friendships due to our addictions. Please don't ever apologize for telling me about what's going on with you, as I really appreciate that your able to share it with me. Although, in this circumstance, I'm at a loss, like you are, on how to seperate from that person without hurting her feelings. The way that I pretty much look at it now is that I have seperated myself from her completely, but there are many times that I really do miss her! The problem that I have is that she is also an addict & like you said about your friend, not interested in changing, as she doesn't think that she has a problem. And my girlfriend is also a big time drinker, in fact, that is what she prefers, but now she's mixing it all together, staying out all night long & leaving her 12 year old son home to fend for himself! But simply stated, she is a trigger for me due to our past use together! I figure that if she's a true friend, when she becomes aware of the fact that I'm trying to get myself better & she's not helping me to do that, well maybe she will understand it then & we'll be able to remain friends. If she can't understand it, well then I'm sorry, but I can't jeopardize where I am & what I've done to try to save a friendship that really isn't one at all!! Does that make sense??? Also, with your "friend", is she really a friend if she'd call your work & relatives to try to cause problems & difficulties in your life?? I'm not judging whatsoever, simply wondering?? You know the old saying, "Who needs enemies with friends like that?" I don't know much about the situation, obviously, but this doesn't sound like someone that you need around you right now. Maybe you could try the same approach I did & tell her that your trying to get better, plan on remaining in recovery & her presense, as it is while using, isn't conducive to your recovery at all! Like I'm hoping, maybe they are true friends & can respect those wishes, but if not, well its not worth our lives, as well!! But if you come up with a better approach, please let me know what it is because this is something that I'm dealing with as well. (obviously!)
I'm going to close this up for now. As always, I look forward to hearing from you soon! I hope your staying warm up there in NY!! (by the way, you aren't a Yanks fan, are you?)
Talk to you soon girl!
Go Tribe!!
Love,
Bethy

Hi Beth, Give your daughter a hug for me and tell her CONGRADULATIONS for being on the Honor Roll. Thank You for your advise on my so called friend. You are right that I should just tell her that being around her right now is not in my best interest. But she will not take that very well. She called me today wanted to know it I could work for her on Saturday (dog grooming) but I told her I had plans for Saturday and she got pretty upset about it. As for baseball I am not really a fan. We have a minor league team here but I haven't been to a game in years. You never finished your story. You don't have to if you don't want to. I am just cirous what led you to the suboxone. What led me to it I was about to lose my relationship with my boyfriend. I know he would of not been able to put up with me much longer, I was doing a lot of lieing and I was stealing his meds from him. I also thought my relationship was going down hill to the point of no return. I consider my self very luckly that I have him. And the relatonship has improved with time. Jon and Matt must think alot alike. Does he hunt at all? I was just thinking maybe if Matt and Jon are up for it they might want to support each other having to deal with our addiction. It's just a crazy idea I am just thinking aloud. Well Beith. I hope you have a great day. I talk to you soon. Love Cathy

Hi Cathy!
Thank you for sending support in my daughters direction as well!! I will give her a hug from you as soon as she gets home from school! I think today is the day that the report cards actually come home.. I'm just so full of pride, as I know you understand, it makes me smile to think about! She's doing really well & she deserves to be proud of herself! Matt & I make sure to keep stressing how happy & proud we are, so that she gets plenty of positive attention also! Sometimes, I feel like I'm "riding her case" from the time that she walks in the door until she goes to bed. Yet, that's what she needs at times.. It seems like she'll push & push, then when I finally do get mad, she changes her whole attitude around to start loving on me! She really is a good girl & I feel very lucky & proud that she is excelling in her life! She comes home full of energy, talking 90 miles a minute about what this girl said & that boy did, you know, the same old teenage angst that we all have to endure.. But she's just full of life! She has a big, bright smile that can just light up any room! I guess that's really how I feel about all of my kids!! I'm a very proud Mama!!
About Matt, he is definately a hunter! That's about the only thing that he does in his free time. He likes to bowhunt, shotgun, muzzle loader. Turkey season, rabbit season, pheasants, etc., etc. You name it, he'll most likely shoot it!! (maybe that was a bit of an overstatement..) It would be great to have our husbands able to talk with each other. It would be nice if they were to offer each other that type of support, yet, I'm not sure how forthcoming or how strong of a relationship men could make over the internet.. I'm not trying to make it sound impossible, I just wished that we lived closer together that they'd actually be able to talk face to face. I could see Matt having a hard time writing his feelings out, as sometimes it seems like he has a hard time even saying them out loud. Does that make sense? Although, I don't know for sure because I know when I was in trouble in the past & locked up, he wrote me long, beautiful letters several days a week. He made sure that I had some type of letter or card on a daily basis, as did my Mom. Like I've previously said, it shows who the people are that truly love me. I wouldn't know how to live my life without my Mom & Matt. They are my biggest supporters! Thank you God, once again! I really do know how very blessed I am!
About the baseball, I love the Cleveland Indians, but they manage to get our hopes up each year just to break the fans hearts once again!! We're notorious for always saying, "Maybe next year!" LOL But I was really just teasing you since the Indians & the Yanks are such rivals, as well as Boston!!
About what led me to going onto the Subs.. Like I was saying, at this time last year, I was managing a popular bar closer to the city. It was about 45 minutes away from home, but an entire lifetime away from being a house wife & mother to young babies & a teenaged daughter who needed me more than ever! Matt & I were arguing all the time because we never saw each other, as our jobs were on opposite shifts. Then, I was picking up more shifts, as well as longer hours, due to the fact that I was spending so much more money on the pills. My "hook up" would wait in the parking lot of my work for me. (he only lived about 5 minutes away) I'd get what I could, then as I made more money throughout my shift, I'd call him again & he'd come back up. It was getting worse & worse because I needed them to be able to enjoy this job, but it was almost too easy that it was getting out of hand real fast!! I was buying more pills two or three times throughout my shift. As well as the fact that I'd stop before & after work also. I needed to have an 80mg OC in my system before I could really even do my job. So, one Saturday last February, I had to be at work at 10:00am to get things ready to open up & the computers & cash drawers ready. I'd worked the night before & was still so tired that I could barely see straight. I'd bought several OCs the day before, but had also gotten my Zanax & had gone at them pretty hard on Friday night. Like I said, Saturday morning I got up there & still had 3-4 OCs and the rest of the rx of the Zanax. Since I felt so lousy, I went into the bathroom & really don't even know how many I really did?? I went back out & started working. My girlfriend was scheduled to be there to work with me at noon & she said that when she got there, she could tell that I was all messed up. I really don't even remember her getting there. But she told me that since I looked so tired that she gave me a few Adderalls to try to "wake up!" Then, we went out & started making "Bloody Marys" and "Washington Apples" for breakfast?? I don't remember anything else about the shift. I worked until ten that night & can't remember anything from noon on, vague dreamlike memories only. Yet, I must've known that I was REALLY messed up because I always drove, as I hated riding with others who were drinking & driving?? But that night, I waited for three hours after my shift so that my girlfriend could drive me back home. Somehow, throughout the day & night, I forgot the promise that I made to Matt that we were going to go out together that night for the first time since our son was born, nearly 7 months earlier. It was a friend of his birthday party & he told them that we'd be there & I promised to be home from work by 6:00pm so we could leave to get there on time. Well, I ended up getting home about 2:00am in the morning, with my friend. We walked in all looped up.. Remember that at this point in time, Matt still didn't know that I'd relapsed & he had no idea what was the matter with me. Apparently, we were fighting & I was dumping my purse out to show him what pills I still had left, but was trying to hide them so I could go into the bathroom & use them up.. I guess that I tried to be "tricky" but was so messed up.. I went into the bathroom & had them all crushed & lined up, ready to snort them & he came charging through the door!! He looked at me, then looked at the lines & took his hand and brushed it all off the counter. My friend was standing behind him & she was also all buzzed up. She screamed at him something like, "Now look what you've done!" She bent down & was trying to gather it up on the floor. I was just sitting there looking at him, crying to him, that I needed them. Then, I guess that I basically just laid it all out there! Like I said, I don't even remember the conversation. I passed out on the couch & the next thing I knew, my girlfriend was shaking me awake, reminding me that we needed to get ready to leave for work. I had to be there at ten again on Sunday morning. Matt was just standing there looking at me with such disappointment in his sad eyes! I didn't even know what was the matter, why he was upset, as I didn't remember most of those events. The details of the day would be told to me later on. He didn't want me going back to work & I thought that he was crazy! I left him standing in the garage, shaking his head at me. His eyes were full of tears & I simply could not understand why. On the way to work, the owner of the bar called me, as he often did to check on how much profit we brought in, who may've called off or whatever. He was so pissed at me!! He'd gone out of town for the weekend to see his daughter & he'd left me in charge. How could I have acted like that? He was yelling at me, telling me that some of the "regulars" had even called him about how out-of-hand I was acting. (specifically, there was a married couple that always came in together, but when she wasn't around, he was all over me. I guess that day I was getting him excessively drunk & he was making his usual comments, but his wife sure wasn't appreciating me, so she called the owner??) Anyways, he ended up coming home & watching some of the video. He was extremely pissed, but said he didn't want to lose me since that wasn't how I "normally" acted. He sent me home on Sunday before I even started my shift, telling me to take the time to think about what was important to me. He said that he knew Matt & the babies didn't want me to be gone working six & seven days a week, that I needed to "prioritize" and maybe just cut back to five days.. He didn't understand that being a bartender there was at the opposite end of the spectrum of being a mother & housewife when I returned home. He was a typical bar owner. He partied right with us & would've loved if I would've accpeted his invites home, despite Matt & the babies. I started driving towards home & really couldn't bear to go back & see Matt like the way that I'd earlier left him. I was sad & depressed & feeling hopeless. It was really cold that day, in the teens, but being February, we'd had some warmer days too. I drove out to a secluded spot at a favorite lake of mine & sat in my car contemplating just hitting the accelerator & driving right out on that ice, then letting us sink through since it probably wouldn't hold our weight any longer this season. I sat in that same spot for six hours that day, trying to figure out if my life was even worth living?? I kept thinking about Matt & the babies, as well as what would happen to Nadine? Would she even still be able to stay with Matt & her siblings or would she be forced to go live with her Dad? I had no further desire to live. The drugs were obviously out of control, but I also had a wicked case of depression going on. As I previously said, they diagnosed me with Post Partum Depression & this all happened in February, as we've talked also about having Seasonal Depression. It just seemed to all be hitting at the same time!! The main thing that I kept going back to was that I thought Matt would be better off without me, I tried to convince him of that.. I just couldn't bear the thought of leaving my kids that way & possibly affecting their whole entire life! Probably, as you never get another Mama! So, that Sunday night I went home & picked up Matt so that we could go for a ride & actually talk. I told him that I could not stop on my own & that I'd probably be really sick. His biggest hurt was that I kept it all from him, lied to him. Why couldn't I come to him?? The next day was Monday & I tried to just stop "cold turkey" to see if it was even possible.. He came home at lunch time to check on me & didn't end up going back. Instead, he took me to detox at that same hospital that I'd been arrested out of how many years ago?? They are the only local detox that uses Subutex for withdrawl & when I explained to them how much I'd been using, they told me to get right in there. When I got there on Monday afternoon, I felt like I was dying!! I wished I were dead! I was still in my pj's & had several coats wrapped around me. I couldn't get comfortable or sit still for two seconds. I received that first dose of Subutex on Monday evening & instantly threw up, but then I felt so much better!! I laid down & was actually able to sleep for a few hours straight. I stayed until Sat & Matt was there to pick me up, once again! I felt great by that point. Throughout the week, I was started at a higher dosage, then they continually decreased it until leaving. When I left, I had a rx for 2 more tabs, that were to be broken down over the next couple of days. I did great while I was on that Subutex, but as soon as I didn't have it any longer, I was right back where I was two weeks earlier, not even two weeks. I tried to only buy enough of the OCs to "get through" & to cut or wean myself down. My guy lived nearly 40-45 minutes away & I'd go meet him to only buy "two" or just enough to not be sick. Yet, I'd end up doing those "two" or however many, and calling him back to go meet him again! It was simply ridiculous! Gas prices were at a national high and I was driving 3-4 hours everyday, back & forth, because even though I really did want to cut down, I couldn't do it!! I hated myself as I let myself down on a daily basis, but didn't know how to live when I'd get that sick. My tolerance was so high that I had to have alot of money to just not be sick. So, I went to my doctor & told him exactly what was going on, that I needed help coming off OCs & could he consider writing me a rx for Methadone? He told me that he didn't know enough about Methadone, that he didn't think that it would be in my best interest to take, etc. He preferred to write me a prescription for the OCs, then we'd work on cutting, once again, weaning down off of them. I knew that wouldn't work, but you know me & I had a rx for 480 OCs per month. I quickly agreed even though I'd figured out that he had no idea how addiction worked. That was throughout March & the beginning of April, but of course, you know that I ran out of my rx early & went to talk to him about it. This time I was honest & told him that I wasn't able to just cut myself down off these when I still had more in my possession, etc. He thanked me for telling him the truth & told me he'd continue to prescribe them for only a short time longer, until I could get into some type of rehab, etc. My local pharmicist, the same one from way back when, told me about a program that he'd heard about from one of the customers whose son had gone through it & offered to get me the information. He got the details of a Suboxone Program from that woman & called to let me know the specifics. I called that treatment center & they told me to come on in on Monday, in withdrawl, to start the Suboxone Program. I had to take $450.00 cash or money order with me. Then, it was $200.00 per week for counseling, UAs & medication. I started the Subs on May 5th through this place, but eventually found a doctor who was able to prescribe them without all the extras. I still do counseling & talk with my doctor, as well. But, even when it did cost that much, it was still worth it as it helped saved my whole life!! I feel so lucky to have found out about it & that it has worked for me, as nothing else had so far! My life is so much different today than what it was at this time last year and for that I am forever grateful, as I wasn't going to make it much longer the way that I was going. (as you probably figured out..) Even if I didn't OD or kill myself in one of those car accidents, I was to the point of suicide because I truly believed that I had no way out!! I was tired of living like that!! I'll never be able to express the type of gratitude I have that there are these type of meds available!! I have my life back, my future & my family!! I am a very lucky woman!
Well, girl, I'm going to go bath the babies & hopefully, get a shower myself!! (after they're done, I'm usually already wet, so it seems like as good of a time as any!) I can't take a bath or a shower unless I have someone else home with me & the babies. Matt, Nadine, even my Mom, will sometimes sit & watch them so that I can jump into the shower, as I can't leave them unattended for thirty seconds, much less fifteen minutes. Thank you for listening to my jabber & as always, I look forward to hearing back from you soon! Hope all is well with you!! Is it getting warmer up your way also? It was nearly forty degrees here today, which after being in the single digits for so long, feels like a heat wave!
Talk to you soon!
Love,
Bethy

Hi Beth, Those teenagers will try to test you. It's good you stand your ground. Your man really loves you. He was terrify of loosing you. I am very happy you didn't take your own life. Believe me I thought there was no way out either. I figured on just starving myself to death. My boyfriend could not get me out of bed or eat anything. I was waiting to die. As soon as I got on the suboxone I started eating and most of my depression lifted. I gained about 12 lbs back. It's amazing how this drug works. I don't care if I have to stay on it for the rest of my life. It was in the forties here today but we have two cold fronts coming thru this weekend. Does Matt shoot traditional archery? Jon is a traditonal archery distributer. He also hunts with guns and muzzle loaders and he does reloading. He hunts everything but rabbits. He likes rabbits as pets so he won't shoot them. I forgot to congradulate you on your new job. Just don't get too stressed out. Just know if things do get too stressful you can ask to have your hours cut. I just get worry about too much too soon. Beth, have a great Saturday with your family and I'll talk to you soon. Love, Cathy

Hi Cathy!!
How are you doing? Are you able to stay warm up there this weekend? It's been wicked cold again here!! Last night was negative temperatures & today it's seven degrees, without the wind chill being included. The wind chill is what seems to cut to the bone while we're outside. I've lived here my whole entire life & really should be used to the weather by now, but its almost like, the older I'm getting, the less I like the cold. As well as what we've talked about with the Seasonal Depression. I just can't wait to get back out of this (or any other) house!! I love being outside with the babies. Just a couple of days ago, Caroline was asking me to take her & Matty for a walk in their stroller up to the pet store again. We did that quite often this past fall & end of summer. It's a decent walk & they love going to see all of the different animals!! Plus, its something inexpensive that I can do with them that they really enjoy. We just go up there to look, as we already have our dog, Chloe, & a turtle that we found years ago, as a baby. We found it & it was only about the size of a quarter, but we've kept it in an aquarium & fed him well. He's gotten so much bigger over the years. Now, he's nearly the size of a pot pie. (I couldn't think of anything else that size to compare him to!!) A little smaller than a cereal bowl.. The kids love that turtle though!! Everytime that any of their cousins come over to visit, they always go straight to that aquarium & check him out!! Kids are so funny. They are full of wonder & amazement. Those are things that I guess I've started taking for granted throughout my life, but its great to remember that feeling when I see the kiddos experiencing it for the first time!! They really do keep me laughing!! They are very ornery & sometimes, I start to get a bit exasperated, but then I just look at them & feel thankful that this is the way that they are, as I surely wouldn't want them any other way!! They are loving life, full of curiosity, piss & vinegar!! They're angels to me, such great blessings!! I was told that I'd never even be able to have kids?? Now, as you know, I've been blessed with three beautiful children!! Thank you again, Dear God!
I understand the reference that you made in your above post about you were waiting to die. I was in that same spot. I didn't want to commit suicide because I didn't want to leave that on my kids, hubby or family. I've seen many people do that in the past & what a huge hole their family is left with for the rest of their lives!! I really couldn't bear the thought of hurting them even more, as that's what was getting me to that point to begin with. I was so sick & tired of letting down the people that love me the most, over & over & over again!! Yet, I didn't know how to live any differently either. I didn't think that I'd be able to live without opiates! The Suboxone has helped change all of these issues in my life. My family is seeing the change in me & they are proud! That makes me feel even better about what I'm doing! I'm finally grateful & thankful to be alive & well, rather than dreading everyday. As you said, most of the depression has lifted & like you, I can eat again! I've also gained several pounds since being on the Subs. For the first several months of being on them, I had no appetite at all. It was hard for me to want to eat anything. Sometimes, even now, I don't necessarily feel hungry, but my body is still telling me that I need food. I need to be "re-fueled!" I get headaches often, especially if I haven't eaten yet, as well as getting real shaky & yucky feeling, kinda irritable. Even if I just eat a banana or a peanut butter & jelly sandwich, just get something into my stomach. I especially like hard boiled eggs to snack on & get some protein from. They give me a good burst of energy for a couple of hours. I seem to be eating all day long!!
Matt does enjoy shooting with an arrow, but I'm not sure if its traditional archery that he does or just a plain crossbow?? I know that he does like anything along those lines. His brother is a registered gun distributor & Matt also works for the "Ten Point" company on occasion throughout the year. In August, there's an event called "The Deerassic Classic" which is basically an outdoor trade show with a bunch of different booths set up. Matt works that each year for the Ten Point booth & instructs people how to shoot, as well as having a target set up for potential customers to try out the equipment. He really enjoys doing these type of events. He gets to hang out with a bunch of hunters & camp out down there. They provide his food & beer, as well as paying him for the weekend. Why wouldn't he love it?? He wishes they could provide him with fulltime work!!
Thank you for your wishes regarding my new job!! I'm really looking forward to it, but also a bit anxious. Like you said, I just don't want to get myself overwhelmed. Yet, I will be paying close attention, as will Matt, to assure that this doesn't happen. It's only caused problems in the past when I start trying to take care of this household, as well as holding a near fulltime job. I get way too run down & don't have enough left within me to keep it all going! Then, in the past, I've usually relapsed!! We are not going to allow that to happen this time!! I plan on having open, realistic eyes to the situation & to my triggers. I get feeling good & want to take on the world. That's great on the days that I do feel that way, but tends to be an issue for me on days that I'm not feeling so hot, but have already commited to spreading myself so thin.. I'm keeping a more practical goal in mind this time. Thank you for your concern girl, as I know you also understand the feelings that I'm going through.
How has your weekend been going for you?? Are you also getting more snow?? I hope that everything is going well up there & look forward to hearing from you soon! I'm closing this up for now, but will be back later on!!
Love,
Bethy

Hi Beth, Today I been a little on edge and not really knowing what to do with myself. It drives me crazy because I don't know what brings it on. I am glad it is almost bed time so I can just start over again. We had a really busy Saturday. We went To a surprise birthday party for Jon's Dad. His is eighty years old. It was in the single digets on Sat. Today it was about 20 degrees. You are in a deep freeze were you are. The only time I really been in 0 degree weather for long periods of time is when My Mom lived in Utal and I used to visit her several times a year. It used to get to 20 below at night. Jon also does the trade shows during the summer. But has not been traveling that much for a few years now. He tries to stay in NY and PA. His business is called JT Archery and Supplies. Your Turtle should be around when your kids grow up. Turtles live a long time. This board has been pretty quiet lately I hope everybody is doing ok. Oh Yea! Far as eating goes I snack all day but it is mostly junk food. I been eating alot of fry dough with cinn.sugar. Then I wonder why I am on edge.lol. Beth Hug your sweet family for me and have a great Monday. Love Cathy

Hi Cathy!!
How are you today? I hope that your night brought you the peace that you needed to relieve your edginess.. Is that any better for you today or are you still struggling with it? I understand that feeling all too well. I feel like I get so stir crazy & I have all of this pent up physical energy that needs to be released that I don't even know what to do with myself. Especially in these cold months & having the babies making it hard to get outside for my exercise. I really enjoy hiking around, but even walking through the neighborhood with the babies helps me feel better! I think it helps release some endorphins or something & I need all that I can get!! It's just so wicked cold here still that we aren't able to do that right now. Soon, spring's on the way, soon!! Yet, this is another reason that I'm looking forward to my job, as it will get me out of the house enough to miss being here!! I've almost lived life like a hermit this winter. Yet, the down time has been such a blessing, as its given me some time to focus on my children & my recovery without so many outside interruptions. Its been funny for me lately though, even just having to run around to do errands, I go to the first place just fine, but then, I'm ready to head back home & can't go back home yet, as I'm not finished with my errands. Yesterday, I had to go get money, run down to the mall with my oldest daughter to get her phone cards, do basic household shopping for laundry soap, tp, paper towels, that kind of stuff that ends up costing an arm & a leg. I even make a special trip to the Dollar General Store to buy those kind of things, as the only grocery store that we have in town is a "Giant Eagle" that is way too overpriced, but gets away with it due to no local competition. I know that I still go there, but just try to only get exactly what I still need after the Dollar Store. It saves me so much money to buy things like coffee & cereal at the DG Store, as well as those paper products, that its definately worth the two stops!! Anyways, there I go..LOL But, by the time that I made it to the grocery store yesterday, which was the last stop before home, I was basically running through there as to get the show on the road!! I don't know what my problem has been, but everytime that I leave, I just want to hurry back!! It's not a fear or a phobia & has nothing to do with the public or even the stores themselves, I don't exactly know what my deal has been?? I was trying to explain it to Matt & it almost came out sounding like I'm not comfortable leaving my "comfort zone" yet.. I know that while I'm here, I'm safe & I'm not going to fall back, but I haven't felt like I've established that yet within myself out in the world on my own! I don't even know if that makes any sense? I think I'm just rambling due to some anxiety today!
I'm going to go for right now. Nadine should be getting home anytime & I'm going to see if she will sit with the kiddos so that I could grab a shower?? I'll be checking back in just shortly, but hopefully, in calmer spirits!!
Talk to you soon!
Love,
Beth