New Friends

We have quite a few new friends who have joined and this being the Sunday after Christmas, I thought this would be a good time to get together and ask each other how we are doing. Is there any of you out there who needs to talk to someone? Is there any of us hurting? Is there any of us who feels good? Let's share what we have if you have time today. I know on Sundays we are usually gone doing other things, but if you're home and on line, give a hello to each other. We all have so much to give as we are all so very special. Sharing is what it's all about. I'm not preaching, just reaching out to all of you because I need you. Your very dearly, Barbara

I feel really good and have for most of my suboxone treatment. In the beginning there were days that I didn't know if I was going to make it, but I did. Every once in a while I still have off days, on those days I just try to find something to keep me busy. We have group meetings at my suboxone clinic and that helps also. It alway helps to talk to people in the same situation as your own. lisa.

That's weird cause when I first started with my subs, I felt great every day, now that I've tapered off some, most days I feel flat and out of energy. I need to go to the store and don't feel like it. It might have a lot to do with the surgery on my foot. I wish it was over with and back to work. Iknow it will happen, but the anticipation has me over whelmed. So glad you answered, Lisa. It always helps when someone cares. Yes, I need to get busy. My neice just came over and a girlfriend. You're a good girl, Lisa. Group meetings are good...keep going. Love, Barbara

Hi girls,
I've really missed all of you!! I am also glad that all the hustle & bustle is over! The holidays were very nice, but I look forward to getting back on with "normal" life. We've been so very busy. I haven't had a day without family plans since last Sunday. I love the family, (at least, most of them ) don't get me wrong, I'm just ready for it to all be done. My babies are exhausted & have been throwing up since Christmas day. We all just need a down day to stay home without anywhere that we're expected to be. My hubby left to go hunting again & as awful as this may sound, I'm glad. The kids & I plan on staying in, watching movies & playing with new Christmas toys.
Miss Barbara, I'm sorry to hear that your having a hard day!! I know the exact feeling that your talking about. Not even wanting to get up & get dressed, much less leave to go to the store or anywhere else.. I seem to feel like that quite a bit, but usually I can keep moving through it by staying busy. Somedays, though, I can't & I try to take the time that I need (if at all possible) to relax & muddle through it.. I hope that your able to do that, take the time that you need. I know your used to working & being busy, having all this time off can get you restless, at least that's how I get. Too much time to think about everything going on. And you do have ALOT going on girl!! I'm sure that your anxious about getting the results back at the doctor tomarrow regarding your heart tests. (I've been continuing to pray that it all is well & I'm thankful that they caught it, found it now, before anything happened.) But I'm sure that's weighing heavily on your mind, as well as your upcoming surgery. You had everything all planned out for Christmas Eve & they threw you for a loop with this heart business! I've been thinking about you Barbara. Please let me know how you are doing, keep me posted.. I don't know if there's anything that I can do, but all you have to do is say the word, I am here for you if you need me. Have you ever heard of the singer/songwriter named "Enya" from Ireland? If you get a chance, look it up on You Tube or get the cd. It's called "Paint the Sky With Stars"- it's incredible music for relaxing.
I love the way that this forum is coming together! We are getting more & more people everyday! I love it! What a blessing for 2009 to have all these great new friends who understand what my days are truly like.. I feel that I've done better & felt better in my recovery since starting to share on here. You & Dee, as well as starting to get to know Mez & I love that Lisa has started posting!! We're getting bigger & stronger each day- thank you again a million times Deborah! I know that it would not be possible if not for her efforts to make it happen. It's just been great having more & more people joining & getting to know each other. I get a certain strength by coming on here & venting, talking things out with others who understand me. There is so much support here, like I said, I love it!
Hi Dee, How are you feeling? Are you still pretty sore? Is the extra Suboxone per day helping you with the pain? I was under the assumption that Subs did not help with pain relief. Is that not true? That's what I was told by the first doctor that prescribed them to me, but you would know better than he would! I felt like I knew more about it than he did & I hadn't even been on them yet. (you know how that goes!) Is everything going okay with your attorney & that whole situation? I've missed talking with you these past few days!! Everything is finally starting to slow down.. How did everything go at your inlaws? Then, you had Christams Day at home? Did it all turn out well? Please let me know how your doing girl!
Hi Lisa!! I was so happy to see that you'd posted. It's great to hear from you! The holidays are soo extremely busy. I'm also glad to have it all slow back down. Did you mention before that you have children? If so, how many? What ages? Did you all have an enjoyable Christmas? Lots of questions, just trying to get to know you better. I have 3 kids. Two girls & a boy. The oldest is 13. Then, a one and a two year old. They help keep me moving! I wouldn't know how to live without them. I have to say that sometimes it gets a little overwhelming for me to never have a break from the kids, but I'm getting pretty used to it by now. I do enjoy being home with them, but I'm used to working full time as a dental assistant where I earn my OWN money & take care of myself & oldest daughter. That's how it was for me for many years in between my ex & current husbands. Now, having two babies at home, it would cost an arm & a leg for them to both be in daycare, essentially paying someone else to raise them. Which I did with my oldest daughter & she's great, but I am happy to be able to be home with all three of them now, at least until the little ones get into school. It just gets frustrating for me with money & having to "ask" for it from my husband. I almost feel like it's held over my head. I don't know that he's doing that intentionally or that I am so super defensive these days. I know that he's still holding my past against me. We talk about it & he says that he really isn't, that he knows that things are different & that everything is fine, moving forward. Yet, out of nowhere he will get angry all over again & start yelling at me about things I did while I was using. We are getting counseling as we obviously have some issues to work through if we're going to be able to stay together. I cannot stay with someone who is going to continue to yell at me about my past when I am doing everything I can to change it now. I obviously can't undo what I've done. I'm doing well with the Subs & I'm actually staying off all of the opiates. I don't know if he suddenly feels threatened or if he's just unable to truly forgive me, but there is still anger there that I can feel. Like I said, I constantly feel defensive. We'll have to see how it goes, I guess. I'm trying to take the time to not make any type of rash decision as he gave me that respect when I was in hard times. As well as the fact that I love him & he's the father of my children. I hope that we can get through it & I know that we both want to try to make it work. I have hope & that's what I'm holding onto right now. Almost like a life raft? I want our family to be able to make it through this & stay together!
Hey Mez, I just saw your post from yesterday & after I am done here, that's where I'm headed, to respond to your post. It's really cool to have your spunky, Aussie personality & getting to hear about a whole other part of the world! I have a million and one questions for you!! Talk with you soon!
Well, as you see, I've basically written a novel today. I guess that I really needed to talk more than I was even aware of. Thanks for listening everybody- I love it here!! Talk to you soon.

Your Friend,
Beth

HI Barbara,
As always it is good to see you my friend.
I find that lately when I wake up, I'm slow at moving. Right now I feel like I don't have any morivation to get myself up and moving. It may be though because of this accident. We have snow all over the ground here. Yesterday, it did warm up a bit and rain some. Just enough to make the snow a bit more slushy. I have been in the house for so long now, that I'm beginnign to wonder when I will be able to get out and about. (on my own) I don't like not working,just sitting around is not something I can do and be happy about. Ya know what I mean? Now that Christmas is over, I find myself looking forward to spring. (and sunshine) I don't mena to go on and on, but I know that you understand how I feel. Kris and Gordy bless their hearts, have a constant watch over me. I think they are afraid that if I go out, I will get hit again. I know that is normal and it will go away in time. I have an appointment with the orthopedist the first week in January, so maybe I can get something done about this knee.
Beth...Have you thought about buying stock in a diaper company???
You know I'm kidding with you.
You did great through the Holidays, and I am proud of you. Think back to Thanksgiving, and now look at what you have accomplished.
I'm off the read the other posts now, I wish everyone a goodevening.
Yours,
Dee

Hi Everybody! Gosh, it so good to hear from all of you. I did make it to the store and back. It's after five and past horse feeding time. My one horse, Bask will put his hoof in the gate and try to lift it off if I make him wait. I wanted to let all of you know I read your posts and teary eyed and snotty nosed I'm sitting here trying to see to answer. Let me go feed my babies and I'll be back. You guys are the greatest. I couldn't do it without you and Deborah and Dean. I love you all. Love, Barbara

Ha! Ha!
Hi Dee,
I'd have to say that although, no, I haven't bought stocks on the diapers due to the fact that would cost even more money, but we should!! We go through soo many that it really saves us money to clip coupons & watch specials, etc. We try to budget as much as possible. It's especially hard to do that at this time of the year though. I am lucky in the fact that both babies are in the same size right now. We go through around, at least twelve diapers a day. We buy a box of one hundred each week which costs $20.00 after coupons. They also go through a gallon and a half of whole milk a day. We buy 2 gallons of milk per day! But that's just babies. It's expensive to have one, much less two! You know how it goes! I just had to pop in to tell you that you had me laughing with your insight! I cannot wait until I am done with diapers! But I also don't want to wish away their baby years, it already goes too fast! As you know..
We're going to eat some mac & cheese for dinner. My hubby has left & gone hunting again and we're (the kids & I) taking it easy!! My oldest daughter has a friend staying the night & they're up there jamming out to "Guitar Hero"- having a blast over the Christmas break!! The babies & I have been watching movies & doing laundry. They're a big help! I bring up the clean basket of clothes & they empty it out for me piece by piece to drag around the room. Then, when the basket is empty, of course it becomes a toy! Either a step stool or a cage, etc. They're a handful! I have to go for now, but hope to be able to get back on in a while. Hope to talk with you soon!
Love,
Beth

Beth,
The more that I read your posts, the happier I am that you came into your recovery. ( you know what I mean) I would have hated for you to have missed out on the baby years. I know that at times babies can be a bit of a handful. ( Boy do I know) I remember Years ago (many) I had my first when i was 19 then a year later another, the next year another. I remember wondering if I would ever go one year not pregnant. lOL
I missed out on alot of their growing up. I am just glad that your going to be there to see yours. Diapers and all.
It sounds like your having a good night. Hubbys gone hunting. And your being you. Guitar Hero?? Hey I can do that. My son has a DS. Yep, this "old lady" can strum it out. But not for too long though. my hands get to cramping and I remember my age. lol
Sorry to go on, but you know me. Have a good night.
Yours
Dee

It's Barbara and every body and animals are all fed. It's a handful and I don't have any children. With this time change, I usually have to go out in the dark and catch the horses after they've ate to brush and spray them down. I had a light in the barn, but it kept blowing the breakers, so I had to disconnect it. It's a good thing they know I have treats for them and they will come up to me...sometimes. Today turned out to be a pretty good day. We have a new member and most replied to each other in support and friendship. You all are a loving group. I wanted to mention at times when we have been messed up and our husband or wife has had to do all of the keeping things together; when we straighten up, it takes a lot of control away from our spouse and it's something they have to adjust to. Some liked having control and could blame the other one for all the problems. Now you are becomming part of the solution, they don't want to give up the role of the only good guy. I'm not saying it's true in every case, but it does happen. Be patient and let the changes be made, but you don't have to be a door mat either. We have paid our dues many times over. No body has been harder on us than ourselves. Take time out even for fifteen minutes a day for ourselves. I wish you all the best of everything. Your friend in need, Barbara Rue

I absolutely love you girls!!

Hi everybody,
I know that I say it everyday at some point or another, but I love this place and talking with friends who understand the position I'm in these days! I certainly don't want to say that things are going badly for me, in fact, quite the opposite. I personally feel better & more comfortable with myself than I have in so many years. I don't know exactly what has changed, but I am feeling better & stronger each day and I'm trying to run with it! Miss Barbara, There is alot of truth in what you brought up regarding "loss of control" in a recovering relationship. Your words spoke perfectly of my relationship. We're having a hard time because when he gets angry & there's nothing to blame me for, he just resorts to my past mistakes. Like you said, no one is harder on us than ourselves. Dee, we've also discussed this before. (crossing that bridge when I come to it!) I'm just getting to the point of, if he's not able to forgive me, then maybe we just need to move on without each other. Yet, he tells me that he has forgiven me, wants to continue trying to work through things together, etc. Of course, I do too.. But as you said, I cannot be a door mat. And as I continue getting stronger & having more self esteem about where I am & what I'm doing, the less tolerable it is for me to listen to him yelling. I guess that I could understand it in the past because I knew I was messing up, but I do not deserve to be talked to like that now! We're still going through counseling, so for now I'm trying to remain patient. Like I said, he did stick with me through my hardest times & I will give him that same respect. But, not forever, I refuse to live my future with someone who is still making me pay for my past. Does that make sense? I'm having a hard time trying to "tip toe this fine line" due to the fact that I constantly feel defensive! I feel like he wouldn't be acting this way if I hadn't done wrong in the past. He didn't treat me this way before it all came out about what I was doing. (using again!) I really do understand why he's having a hard time trusting me, but if he wants to stay with me, he has to be able to realize that I am a different person now. Also, I don't want to minimize any of my poor, past decisions, but I am going to say that I still was not a horrible person, even at my worst. He didn't even know & neither did any of my close family, until the very end when I started talking. I acted "normal" while using. The problem came when I didn't have them, as you know how that goes.. That's how it all came out. And he felt stupid, said that I made him look stupid because he didn't even know what was going on with his own family. I tried to explain to him that I'd hidden it from him, lied to him. Now he's watching, constantly "on guard" to make sure that he won't miss anything else. He also took it very personally that I relapsed & continued using. He wondered what he was doing "wrong" that I was using drugs again? Like it was his fault or something.. Of course, it didn't even have anything to do with him. I am an addict. He still doesn't seem to entirely understand that, but he's getting educated & really trying to understand. (most of the time anyways) I guess that I'm praying we can get through it before the wedge is driven too deep, if its not already. I continue to hold onto the hope that we will prevail with time. Right now it simply feels like wishful thinking, but maybe just continuing to think & act positively will help us through it. If not him, it's certainly not going to hurt me to try to remain positive! I'm sorry to go on & on about this girl. It's what's going on in my head these days.. (scary place to be, my head) The sad thing for me is that I used to dread him leaving to go hunting or work out of town, but these days I'm almost looking forward to it. I almost feel like when he leaves I can finally exhale. That's a horrible feeling to have about my spouse, the person that I love & have built my life with. I hope (pray) that we can get through this together! I could go on and on about all this, obviously! But now that I've bored you half to death with my BS, tell me about how your doing girl. Did you talk with the doctor yet today? Please keep me posted with those results Miss B! Is the surgery still on for Wed. at this point? Are you hanging in there? Let me hear how your doing.. Also, Dee, I was wondering if you were having any success with taking the extra Sub per day for pain relief? As I'd mentioned before, my first doctor told me that they would not help with pain. Is that not correct? Is it working for you? I am proud of you for facing & dealing with the pain without narcotics. That's a hard decision to make when you are hurting & you know that you could get comfortable if you allowed yourself those types of meds. That's an issue that I worry about with those surgeries. I hate pain! I am super sensitive & especially now that I'm not taking any actual pain meds. My perception of pain is all out of whack!! Are you also going through these type of issues? I hope that your starting to feel better. Have you spoken to your attorney anymore? If I'm not being too nosey, what is going on with that whole situation? What did he say about the guy speeding up to hit you & all the issues with his drivers license? Could you even imagine getting in a cab & having that guy driving you around? He should, at the very least, lose his drivers license!! I'm sorry, but that really makes me mad! I know that your leg is still pretty messed up, how about your elbow? Has the swelling gone down at all? What a mess! I'm sorry that your having to go through all of this Dee! Good thing your so strong- keep it up! Your an inspiration to others girl. Thank you. I love how everyone is posting with each other & continuing to get so many new members. I really rely on this forum. I feel that I gain strength while I'm here. And that's exactly what I need right now in my recovery. I'm so glad to know all of you.
Talk with everyone soon!

Love,
Bethy

Beth
Real quick to answer your question about Suboxone and pain relief. In my case no it has not helped.
I have been told in the past that it (the subs) can be used for mild to moderate pain. But there is a ceiling to using subs due to the Naloxone ( the blocker).
It is also recommended that for pain. You can use Subutex. Which is the same thing as Suboxone but WITHOUT Naloxone. Am I making sense here?
I read an article about the difference between Suboxone and Subutex and I will post it under, Interesting Articles: Suboxone Related.
Love to all
Dee

Hi Dee,
How are you feeling today girl? I was wondering about that extra Sub a day even being of any help to you with the pain. I'd heard exactly what you said above, that Subutec can be used for pain relief, but Suboxone does not seem to work like that. Have you spoken with your doctor about switching to Subutec rather than the Suboxone for a period while your recovering & in pain? Maybe that would help you to be a bit more comfortable? I just don't want you to be hurting everyday! I seem to know first hand that chronic pain can quickly lead to depression.. That's a dark, ugly hole that's so hard to crawl out of.. There are also other types of pain meds that are non-opiates, as I'm sure your aware of, and they can be taken right along with the Subs. (if I understood my dr correctly!) Dee, I'm sure that I'm not saying anything that you don't already know, just throwing out ideas.. I'm really hoping (praying) for you to have a quick recovery! When do you see your doctor again? Please keep me posted as to how everything is going. I've also been wondering about the man that hit you? If you don't want to talk about it, I can understand, just let me know. I'm just curious if anything's going to happen to him as punishment for all of this. I'd have much more empathy, or any at all, if he hadn't sped up to hit you!! He surely doesn't deserve to own & drive for a cab company! What if he kills the next person or people that are with him? Or in the crosswalk??? You are so lucky to even be alive! OK, I'm going to switch topics, sorry to go on & on!
I really don't have much of anything to talk about today. I think I'm feeling pretty down today. Mother Nature stopped by yesterday & I just feel "lovely" right about now. I don't know if that's even it, but I can't figure out why else I'd feel so yucky! I really don't even feel like moving today. Hopefully, I'm going to "snap out of this funk" and get at least a little burst of energy! I'm not even sure what my problem is, but I feel like I could cry & I desperately need a hug. I'm sorry to be whining, I'm going to go for now & try to get my head straightened around. Hope your day is going well & I'll talk to you soon!

Love,
Beth

Beth,
A BIG Hug for you. hope the day gets better.
Yours
Dee

Hi Bethy, You sound about like I do at this time...my surgery was canceled until the 7th so all of my tests can reach my doctor who is doing my foot. I hate to be going on and on about my foot. I feel like the rabbit who is caught in a trap and gnawing my foot off to get loose. I know I should have it all together and be strong for the interest of everybody, but I'm human and I get depressed and I'm not on top of everything right now. I guess I'm just off my game and need to rest. Beth, you are such a good girl and I wanted you to know the blameing will stop cause as you get further along with your recovery, you will start to shine and nothing can take away from you. You've came a long way. I've got a lot on my mind right now and I need to meditate for a bit. I just had to tell you to be strong and hold your ground. I care so much about my people and want you all to be happy. Got to go fix dinner. I also need to listen to my own advice and cheer up. Love, Barbara

Hi ya Mez, My whole sweet message went to the devil, so I basically said, I'm good now. I had a thick tender steak and potatoe and there's a Deszel Washington movie coming on. My computer will be on watch, so I'll be here. My heart tests cleared for surgery, but they couldn't find my bloodwork test. Got the bill where my insurance paid, but no tests was faxed to my doctor. So, now it's going to be on the 7th. Just as well cause my sub appointment is on the 6th...so, it will work out for the best. Thanks for your caring and compassion. It's funny how all of you people came along when you did. It was just Dee and I for a long while. Not that I couldn't have made it with just her cause she's my bud. Love you all. Yours in everything, Barbara Rue

Happy New Year Everybody! Welcoming 2009 with open arms!!
Miss Barbara, I'm sorry to hear that your still playing the waiting game with your surgery! I know you've been going stir crazy being home from work & having the surgery postponed. I'm just so glad that your heart tests came back good! Did you enjoy your evening with Denzel? That man is too sexy! I love practically everything that he's in!! (or not in, if you catch my drift..) I really liked "Training Day" as well as "American Gangster"- have you seen both of those movies? Seeing as how you like Denzel, I highly recommend either of them.:afro:He's one of my favorites!

Seriously, though, I need to talk with someone. I hope that any of you are on here today & come give me some ingenius input, anything, I need a friend.. I had an unusual circumstance come up this morning & it seems to have my head spinning! This is crazy weird. Do you ever (or did you used to) have dreams where your using or maybe not even using, but can see the drugs there & available? I don't have them nearly as often as I used to, but occasionally they still pop up in my subconscious, in my dreams. I guess that it makes sense at this time of year as I've been having many triggers lately with the holidays & extended family, hubby being out of town, kiddos being sick & feeling like I "need" that extra energy. I am aware that they are triggers though & have been careful to avoid "making that call." So how about I get up this morning & have missed several phone calls from "my guy" from the past?! Crazy ass timing, I think, but as I'm sitting here thinking on it, maybe not? It almost feels like a test... What's so crazy to me is how my body has responded. My head literally feels like it's spinning, my hands are shaking & sweaty, my heart is going rapid fast!! It feels like its going to come out of my chest! It truly almost feels like a panic attack! I cannot seem to get myself settled? This response is almost making me cry, how can it still be this strong? I know that you, as well as the other members here, have also dealt with these type of situations & today I need help guys! Apparently, when I spoke to him (which was probably my first mistake, but he did used to be a friend & struggles to fight this same addiction. He's been on Methadone & even occasionally, the Subs, but only when he can get them off the street because he refuses to give up his bi-weekly OC prescription. Big money, as we all know..) Anyways, he called me up, told me happy holidays, he's missed me, etc. (most likely, missed my money!) But he told me that he's not used the OCs in a month & a half now, how much better he's feeling, etc. Then, he wants to know if we could get together & I could trade him a couple (or as many as possible) of my Subs for something that he has, which could be anything from the OCs, methadone, Vics, Lortabs, Zanax, Valium, Soma or to let him know what I wanted to trade him for & he'd check on finding it! My Good God, thank you for letting my eyes be open & my head needs to stay strong!! I don't mean to sound like such a cry baby- I really don't know why I'm still having this strong of a reaction, but it is what it is and that's how I am feeling. And I'm almost feeling scared.. I'm not going to give in & go see him, I do feel that I can stick to that, but I can't believe how I feel just from talking to him!! There's a lesson to be learned here. I can't talk with him anymore, there's way too much of a connection there! I believe that it's got to be better for me to just stay away from him & that entire area. That's my plan anyways! I know that running & avoiding people isn't the way to deal with it, but for right now, I feel like that's the best that I can do with that situation. I don't feel strong enough to put myself in the spot where they are right there in front of me, with the same people that I used to do them with, monkey see, monkey do.. I hope that I have more knowledge than a monkey, but its definately been questionable at times!! I've done well these last several months, well since May, and I've done that by not going around those people & that's the way that I need to keep it!! Do you guys all agree? I hope that somebody is on here today & can help me get my mind right! Hope to talk soon!
Love,
Beth

Beth,
It's Dee.
I wish I would have been here when you were. I have felt those exact feelings in the past when I was early into my recovery, and I will admit that sometimes it will still to this day hit me like a quick blink. But then it's gone.
Even though you know you won't act on the desire, your still scared and feel tense, kind of like you would if you were sitting there making a decision do I or don't I.
The best thing that you can ever do is, loose all contact with the old contact. Even if he is your friend. Your real friend would not put you in this position. I have a question. He told you that he has stopped right? Then why? Does he have what you may want to trade for or why does he still have access to it?
He misses you he misses your money.
Please if he calls again, tell him that you can not continue to be friends. He will probably sound like he has lost his best friend or he will get mad. But that is okay. Tell him that, and look at your babies. The decision to break off the friendship will be worth it.
I know that it isn't an easy thing to do, if you have been friends for awhile. I've had to do the same thing.
I've run into friends a couple of times and they have told me that they are now clean. But then in the next sentence, they are either asking me if I want anything or if they could buy my subs.
If your friend is serious about not using, he would stop all usage of all drugs. The bi-weekly Oc scripts as well. You did good by coming on here and posting Beth. I am so proud of you my friend.
You are serious about your recovery and you mean what you say. I still have a couple of things to do today, although I'd rather sit at home. The temp outside is 5 and the wind is whipping like there's no tomorrow. So the wind chill must be horrible. We have snow falling with more on the way. BUt as I was saying I wll be back here at the house by 4 and will try to get on here as soon as I get in.
Yours
Dee


< wish I had the warmth of that sun. LOL>
I just now noticed that you got the picture on your profile. I knew you could do it.

Hey Beth, What I did when my "friends" called, I'd start talking about God and I wouldn't hear a word again. Honey, it's not just a friend calling, trying to make contact and you may think I'm being all religous, but I know the devil doesn't want to let go of you and he will do anything to get you back. You are in the perfect time for him to try you. Hubby gone, babies sick and crying and you not feeling too strong. Honey, just fight for your life. If you will get past this, you will be so much stronger for it. Vitamin B Complex is good for the shakiness. I use the liquid I put under my tongue just like the subs. It works fast and it also helps the ringing in my ears. You may have an inner ear infection, which can make you dizzy. Honey, I wish I could talk to you on the phone...I'll send you a private message with my number or you could send me yours. I'm a Scorpio and when someone messes with someone I care about, I want to tear them apart. I want to hurry and get this to you. Beth, don't use even if your a** falls off. You'll feel so much better about you and you'll have something you can share with your man when he gets home, plus something good is right around the corner. I promise you this. I'll be in constant prayer for you. Yours in the fight, Barbara Rue

Hi Dee,
Thanks for the encouragement- I needed it today! But your right, the feeling did pass, not as quickly as it came, but it did pass & that's the point that I'm focusing on.. I agree with you that I just need to have no contact with him. That's the way that I've kept it for this long, why change it when its working? I won't be returning or answering his calls any longer. Not even that he's a bad person, but he brings out the worst side of me. (the using OCs side!) I'm happy for him that he's been staying off of them for the past month and a half & really do wish him well. But, I cannot sell him my Subs & jeopardize my security. And I don't want anything that he has any longer. What a relief! What a great feeling because there was a point when I was desperate for what he had! And I am no longer there, girl! I'm a much different person today! My daily gratitude for the Subs!! I feel good with where (and who) I am today. After talking to him & going through my "little panic attack" once I got my head back together, I actually felt proud of myself & how I handled it. I'm not feeling regretful or ashamed of myself or my decisions any longer. Isn't that such a weight off the shoulders? My thanks to you Dee for responding so quickly & I look forward to talking to you again soon!
I love ya girl! Thank you!

Beth

Hello Miss Barbara,
I just sent that post out to Dee & after I did, I saw that I had missed yours until after I sent it. Anyways, I have to go downstairs & switch some laundry around, but I'll be right back up & would love to talk.
Love Ya,
Bethy

It's okay, I'm in and out too. I'm here for you. I'm shaking myself. Love, Miss Barbara...alot of people call me that...it's strange that you did. Love you too

Hi Miss Barbara,
I can see why many people call you that. It just seems to fit.. Well, I've gotten better since I posted earlier. It was crazy to me how strongly I reacted. Thank God that I was in the right mental place to deal with it & not just run right over there.. I do believe that the devil is still trying to work his way back into my life & I just refuse to let it happen like that! And it's funny that you mentioned telling Matt about it when returning. He walked in the door right after I pressed "Send" & I did discuss it with him. He had perfect timing today! He was grateful that I talked to him about it all. I also explained to him that I'd posted onto here for support & he notices a difference with me since having this available to go onto. I do too. I've said it all before, but I gain strength by coming here. It helps just to talk it out, much less when you type it out & can see it right there in black & white! All of a sudden, it seems so obvious!
Thanks for your support my friend. I hope to talk with you soon!
Love,
Bethy

Cheers to you Beth! I'm real happy about your advancement in how you feel. Each day things will keep getting better. It won't be a bed of roses all the time, but you won't feel that low down feeling anymore. It is good when you can see and feel the difference in how we are now from what we were before. I must run to the vet and get some pain medicine for my throughbred, Sassy. She broke her ankle during a race and she was lucky enough to be pasture sound. I can't ride her, she's like a big pet dog. I ride Bask, my Arabian sometimes. He's a hand full and I'm too old to be hitting the ground. I have to show him who's the boss and he calms right down. Well, I'm off. Good day to you. Let me hear from you when you think about me. I do think of you, Miss Barbara

Hi bfye~~I have had times like that also and they are so hard to deal with. I think they happen to make us stronger and to learn from. The main thing is that you made it through. When I go through things like that I remind myself how sick I got when the pills ran out. It scares me to even think about those times. When I go back to my group meeting at my clinic, I am going to tell everyone about this forum. I think it will help a lot of people there also. Well gotta go for now Lisa