Beth, New Suboxone Provider

Subject: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Mon 24 Aug 2009, 5:02 pm

Hello Beth,
Today was the big day that you have been waiting for. When you get a chance please let us know what happened at your appointment with the new Suboxone provider today.
Your in my thoughts,
Dee

Subject: Re: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Mon 24 Aug 2009, 5:31 pm

Hello to everyone! Dee, I stole your little dancing man as I do yet have hope for a good doctor again. Thanks for asking about my appointment. It did go well. They seem to be a very organized office, where the doctor actually listened to me. I am his very first Suboxone patient! How do I keep finding the newcomers? But, as you know, this is great news for me as I can get right back on the RxAssistance Program again. The nurse was already calling in for the application. She had to leave a message, but I walked her throughtout the entire process. I brought my information with me girl! I gave them the RB informtion & qualification papers. I highlighted the phone number that she had to call to request the application, showed her an actual application & how it needed to be filled out, then I had to sign it & put it into the mail. The medication should be sent to their office by the end of next week, hopefully? He went ahead & prescibed my Zoloft, but is waiting on my medical records regarding the Valium. I signed the release today, so I guess we'll see how quickly Dr. B's office responds to their request. I don't know how this is going to go as of yet. We'll see.. It all sounds pretty good, but I'm kind of feeling like I need to just wait & see because everytime that I get my hopes all up & my expectations high, something seems to fall through. I don't mean to sound so negative. I just want to be proven wrong this time that there really are good doctors out there. I liked the man though, as well as his staff, so we'll see. I feel pretty positive about the situation thus far.
Thank you again for checking in & I'll talk with you more later!
Love,
B I love you

Subject: Re: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Mon 24 Aug 2009, 7:27 pm

Great News Beth!
I am truly happy for you. It does sound as though you finally do have the "One."
I must say that you have become our resident Patient Assistance Expert. Good job! Let's see how long the other doctor takes to get your records over to him. Did you sign a release for both of the old providers or just the last one?
I have a good feeling about this one. Don't ask me why I just do. Maybe it is because you have waited so long and have gone through so much that I feel it is finally your time.
I'll keep you in my prayers. You are more than welcome to the dancing man, I wish I could dance for you.
Now when you get yourself settled in with this doctor, it will be time for you to file the official report against the last two doctors. remember once they get three complaints against them, they will be investigated and someone will be sent in to the office. But it won't happen unless the report/complaint is filed.
Those two doctors can't be allowed to keep treating patients like they treated you. You were an addict in RECOVERY. You were completely program compliant. But you already know this so I will stop.
Always proud of you,
Dee

Subject: Re: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Mon 24 Aug 2009, 11:06 pm

Hi Bethy,

I'm happy for you too. It's late and my foot is killing me. I just wanted you to hear from me and know I'm thinking of you and sending you good vibs.

Love,
Barbara

Subject: Re: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Tue 25 Aug 2009, 1:58 pm

Hi Dee, Cathy, Barbara & everyone!
Thanks so much for your support regarding my new provider. Like a Star @ heaven

I woke up this morning with such a feeling of relief. Finally, as I have been taking it so long, since May of 2008, & have been bounced all around, I was just so excited to know that I was yet covered again by having my new doctor. And could remain seeing Andy as my counselor. It was all just too perfect! Sad

You gals are never going to believe this. I still don't know if I have fully comprehended it in my mind... Shocked

I picked up my phone this morning & saw that I had voice messages, so I dialed in & listened to everything just fall right back apart. My new doctors office called me, the very pleasant nurse that was already calling RB for my RXAssistance appliction before I had even left the office yesterday. She sounded like she was going to cry throughout her message to me. She explained to me that she did indeed get ahold of RB for the application this morning, but that the doctor didn't realize that you had to be certified to write out Suboxone!?!?!?!?!!?!?!? The prescription that he wrote me & that I took to the pharmacy will NOT be valid, as he is not a certified provider.

Remember that I was his very first Suboxone patient. Rolling Eyes

Well no freaking wonder!!! Idea

I don't even know what to say or do right now. As I said, I think that I am just sort of in a shock!! What a Face

I have some phone calls to make, obviously, but will check back in later with you guys. I just cannot even believe this. Twisted Evil

Love you all,
B I love you

Number of posts : 256 Age : 67 Registration date : 2009-01-10

Hi Beth, Soon as I saw this post I had to call you but no answer. So call me. I can't believe this happen! How could this have happen! I hope this new Doctor can get certfied real soon. He must feel like a idiot about now. I am wondering if he can prescibe it for your pain issuess without being certified. Because I heard Methadone can be prescibe by a regular doctor if its for pain issues instead of addiction issues. So call me or leave a post. Love, Cathy

Subject: Re: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Wed 26 Aug 2009, 2:42 pm

Hi Cathy,
Hey girl! How are you doing? I'm here & trying to "just hold on" patiently.
Thanks so much for responding to my newest dilemma... I did get your message & will get back ahold of you very soon. I kind of had to try to attempt to get myself back together & get ahold of myself first. I still cannot really believe this, as I am now back to square one yet again. I should be an expert at this by now. Locating doctors that are not able to help me. I am soo close to just giving up hope that I am going to find one to get me through this. I have no desire what-so-ever to return to the opiate scene, but of course, I still have some left. (Suboxone, that is) What about when they run out? I'm not trying to sound like "what if" and worry myself about situations that aren't even here yet. But as you know, I've been cutting my Suboxone dosage just to make it to this appointment. If I had actually known that he was unable to prescribe it, then I wouldn't have been waiting over an entire month to try to locate somone else. I feel like I've just wasted all this time while waiting to see him. I was actually "wishing my August away" as I knew that I had that appointment on the 24th. Mad

Counting down the days of the remainder of summer! Crying or Very sad

I know things have been worse & that I can make it through this, its just taking every bit of energy that I have left inside of me. I'm so tired of all of this that I just want to cry & cry. I am slipping into that ugly hole of depression & that is not where I want to go ever again!!! I actually think that I have cried so much that I have a sty in my left eye. I don't feel like I have the energy to do anything, yet I have so much to do all over again. As well as my kids & trying to find a part time job. I want to curl up in that fetal position & hide in a dark room away from the world! What employer wants an employee with that type of an attitude, not to even mention, what about my kids needing their Mom to tend to their needs & she doesn't even feel like she has the desire to move. I will have to get up & going again obviously. I just wish that I knew how. Actually, I do. You just do it. I need to go through the motions & hope that eventually my emotions will catch back up with me. Question

Here's hoping for that success... Suspect

You know that I have just sat there & cried to you about my issues, but I need to keep it all in perspective. Idea

We have a close family friend, who we went to school with, (he is my next youngest sisters age- they graduated together, so he's 2 years younger than I am) but we have all become very close throughout the years, as his sister is marrying into our family. Anyways, he is married & has two young sons, ages 2 & 4. His four year old has been diagnosed with childrens leukemia when he was 2 years old. He has spent the majority of his life in & out of hospitals, sterile rooms, etc. Luckily, his younger brother had the same type of bone marrow, he was a match!! Both boys went through the surgeries & the now 4 year old was in recovery. Until about a month or so ago... Then, they determined that it had indeed returned & there was nothing left for them to do for him. He was sent home to die. They gave him 3-6 weeks at that time. That means that he now has (according to the doctors) 2-4 weeks until that time. As I said, he has spent most of his young life in hospitals & all he wants is to go to the beach & play in the sand. The community has rallied around them, as well as our friends company that he works for (every employee there gives up five of their hours at payroll time to ensure Tony still receives a check, as he has chosen to spend his time with his sons & family) A local travel agency has given them plane tickets to Florida, where they also have family who needs to see him before his final day. Needless to say, their family is going to Florida for a first & final time as a whole family. They plan on letting him play in the sand until his little heart desires. Tony said that he will sit outside on the beach with him all night long if the little guy wants to.

That breaks my heart! Crying or Very sad

Then it slaps me right in the face!! What a Face

I look at my healthy, beautiful children & it makes me feel like sobbing, as God has so very blessed me & mine. I sure bet that Tony & his family wish that they had my "problems" rather than what they are enduring. I couldn't even imagine burying any of my children. Twisted Evil

It's not right & doesn't make sense. Yet, surely puts it into perspective through my eyes! Idea

I do have the strength & ability to continue on with my "petty" issues. I have to go back to the Provider Locator & start making calls again. Whatever it takes, I can & will do to make it happen. What other choice do I have? At least, I am able to do something, anything to change my own situation. Unlike our dear friends waiting to bury their son... pale

I believe that God only gives us what we can handle & in my situation, I believe this to be true. I'm questioning his motives behind taking such a young innocent child. Suspect

I cannot understand those circumstances. Evil or Very Mad

Please keep this family in your dearest prayers, as they need it more than anyone I know right now. Like a Star @ heaven

Cathy, thank you again for being such a dear friend to me & listening to my "problems" & responding so promptly. You could never know how much you mean to me, how lucky & fortunate I feel to have your friendship!!! I love you

I will be getting ahold of you soon! Thank you, as I feel better after writing this post out to you. I will talk to you soon, dearest Cathy!
Much Love to You-
B I love you

**by the way, have you received anything in the mail from me yet?**

Number of posts : 256 Age : 67 Registration date : 2009-01-10

Hey, Beth, Don't ever think your problems are petty. It's your life and it's important to you, but they are problems that can be worked thru. I am so sorry about your friend's child. I can't even think what I would do or what I would be feeling as a parent. I am happy that their family and friends all pulled together in their time of need. I said a prayer for them. I don't know why this is happening but God must have his reason. Did you get a chance to make more phone calls today? There has to be a doctor somewhere. Do you know if that doctor is going to get certified? If worse comes to worst what about Methadone? Like I mention before I think it can prescribe for pain in a doctor's office. That should be your last resort if you can't find a Suboxone Doctor. Please don't curl up and go to that dark place! We all can support you and I am sure Dee is going to help you along with Barbara. No, I haven't received anything in the mail. I watch for the mail-lady everyday. When did you send it out? Well my very best friend, I hope things get better for you today. I'll talk to you soon. Love, Cathy

Subject: Re: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Wed 26 Aug 2009, 11:29 pm

Beth,
I am sorry that once again this is happening to you. Let me ask you something. Your counselor referred you to this doctor because she told you that one of her clients use him for their provider. If that is so, then why is he not certified? I don't get it. Didn't anyone check this out for you? Have you called your counselor and talked to her about it?
Is this doctor aware of what he has to do to become certified? Do you have the website that he needs to go to for information?
He can find it if he will go to our Suboxone Assisted Treatment website. Also, when I was reading up on the subject I did find out that SAMSHA has a program that is funded by SAMSHA, to help providers that are interested in setting up office based Substance Abuse Treatment. That information is also on the website.
http://www.suboxoneassistedtreatment.org/75.html
Check it out.
Your right to start looking for another provider. Even if he starts working on his certification now it will be awhile before he can treat you with Suboxone.
Beth take a look at yourself, the next time you start thinking that your not worth anything or you are weak. Think about this past year and everything that has come into your path. You have not given up, instead you have trudged onward. If there is anything that I can do for you please let me know. I'm here for you.
Here is the link on our Suboxone website for information about the waiver and what the doctor needs to do in order to be able to prescribe Suboxone.
http://www.suboxoneassistedtreatment.org/57.html
You are in my thoughts
Always,
Dee

Subject: Re: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Thu 27 Aug 2009, 11:50 am

Hello Dee, Cathy, Barb & everyone,
Thank you all for your positive support about my "newest" prospective doctor. I'm still sort of shocked by it all, but what can I do about it? I now know that when I call yet another doctor, that I will be sure to ASK if this doctor is an able, current Suboxone Provider. I guess that I'm still learning as I go. What a Face

Dee, to answer your questions. Yes, I was referred to this doctor by my counselor, Andy, who told me that she had another client who saw this doctor for Suboxone treatment. In fact, I made the appointment from her very office, as she knew how relieved I would feel by just knowing that I did once again have a doctor/provider. Unfortunately, Andy is out of her office this week due to her father having surgery & she is tending to him. The day that I received "the message" where everything went to hell in a handbasket & that nurse sounded very upset about it all, she had asked me to call back in for a couple of referrals & the girls at the front desk would pass along that information along to me. Of course, I did just that. But I also wanted to know if this doctor was interested in becoming certified. (as I told you that I took along all of my info when I went in to see him & had that information that you'd sent me awhile back about how to go about becoming a Provider.) So I asked the front desk girls some questions, which they knew nothing about, so I asked to please speak to the ever-so-pleasant nurse about this. She did get onto the phone & I let her know that in that folder of info that I'd left her the day before, there were the directions for the doctor on what they have to do to become a Provider. She told me that she'd taken that folder home with her last night, as she wasn't too familiar with this medication & wanted to read up on it a bit. She did tell me that she read the part about "how to" go about becoming certified. The next morning, before she even called me with "the message", she had spoken to the doctor about possibly becoming a Provider. It was a NO GO- as he is not interested in having a seperate DEA #, nor the insurance, nor the "hassle!" Mad

Not even slightly interested?!?!? So, I asked the nurse for those referrals that were left at the front desk & she transferred me back up front, where they gave me the number to another doctor in the area that he currently has a patient that sees him for Suboxone. I immediately called to find out when the next available appointment would be & was told that this doctor is NOT a Suboxone provider. Never has been, doesn't plan on becoming one! The only other referral I could get was to go through Pain Management through the local hospitals. Please keep in mind that I am not insured. (and desperately need the RxAssistance Program) I believe that the hospitals don't use this option, as I had called last December to see if I could get into that program. The doctor explained that he doesn't want that type of medication mailed to him & that they use a specific pharmacy to assure that patients aren't "double dipping" or doctor shopping. (which still makes no sense to me, as if someone were doctor hopping, I certainly don't think that they'd take the script to the very same pharmacy that they are picking up their original script from...?) scratch

But that is their rules. Period. As well as they will not allow a patient to be on it for longer than a year & during that year, you go to out-patient treatment from 8-4, Mon-Fridays. Basically, a drug course to educate people on addiction. I'm not saying that is necessarily a bad way of doing it. I'm sure that they do have success within their program, but it's simply not an option for me. For three reasons. I cannot afford that program, nor can I leave my children for the same length of time as a full time job, nor do I plan on stopping using Suboxone within a certain time frame. I may be on it for the remainder of my days here on earth. I just know that I do NOT want a time period placed on it. It has to be when my mind, body & soul are ready and I cannot place a certain date on that. So there goes another option. I have spent time on the "Physician Locator" & am continuing to broaden my search area as I keep calling these doctors. So far, no luck what-so-ever! Twisted Evil

I am starting all over, again & again & yet, again!

Dee, I am tired. You can read me so well & know how I get due to lack of sleep. (not a pretty picture!) Also, I don't know if this is just my "stress belly" or if its because I have cut down so much on my dosage of the Suboxone, but I have been having severe diarrhea throughout the days, as well as being up many times throughout the night running to the bathroom. Not to mention, those painful cramps, where you feel like you have to go, but there is nothing left in there. (sorry if this is TMI, too much info) It's just what's happening with me at the moment. I realize that I should have tried to cut down at a slower pace, but until I have a new appointment, I am too scared to take more than one per day. I was doing it by taking two one day, which is my normal dosage, then one the next day. Now, I am only taking one everyday. I expect that I would have some type of withdrawl symptoms, but just don't know what is what. Also, still having daily headaches. To the point that I am taking 6-8 Tylenol 500mgs each day. Again, stress or withdrawl? Question

I guess that it doesn't even really matter, as I am still having these same symptoms. cyclops

I just cannot give up, as I so badly feel like doing, but as I hope that you all know me well enough to know that I never will. I am going to conquer this. Suspect

It will not beat me!! What a Face

God willing & continuing to provide me with His strength. Like a Star @ heaven

And you gals are my mainline of strength. Exclamation

I need you & your friendships more than ever right now. Like a Star @ heaven

Cathy, I saw what you had said about doctors being able to prescribe Methadone out of their offices, but it is not the same for Suboxone. They have to have a specific DEA # in addition to the current one they possess to write out any script at all. I really don't want to have to switch to Methadone, if at all possible. I just have heard how hard it is to get off of the Methadone, not to mention, that I don't want to make my addiction worse. Especially because it is habit forming. Not that Suboxone isn't, but I can take the very same amount or less & feel better, where I have heard that your Methadone tolerance just continues to grow the longer your on it. I am not sure about all of these facts, as I have never been a Methadone patient. I am only referring to what I have heard & learned from this very site. Question

Yet, if it comes down to it, I will do whatever I have to do to remain off of the opiates. Period. It is an option, not one that I want to go to, but when the going gets tough, who knows? I may end up driving myself up to see your doctor! Shocked

As I said, I am certainly broadening my search area...
Okay girls, I have spilled it all out, what are your opinions? Please, please, please (pretty please with sugar & love on top) let me know how you would go about doing it, if you were in my spot? I am feeling helpless & absolutely HATE feeling this way. Evil or Very Mad

If any of you are available today, please reach out to me. I need your positivity & encouragement more than ever! Idea

Thank you all so very much! Like a Star @ heaven

Love,
B

Subject: Re: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Thu 27 Aug 2009, 10:19 pm

Beth,
My honest opinion of this new doctor. All he saw was the $$ signs. Any doctor that would say yes, I'll prescribe your Suboxone no problem without checking into what is necessary to do this and then when finding out that he has to go through training, decides that it is too much trouble.( The training for the DATA Waiver, by the way for those of you that are not familiar with it is a mere 8 hours of online training, plus the addiction certification.)
Not too much to go through if you REALLY want to help people seeking recovery.For this doctor to say that he does not want another DEA number nor does he want to go through more training. That spells, Cash in his eyes.
The worst part about it is that the doctor actually wrote you a prescription not knowing what he was doing. Your best to be away from him. Does he not go through continue ed to keep up with all of the new techniques that are being developed every day?
Beth, Call project Cure. I know there is one in Ohio. They take their patients on a sliding fee scale. I'm not sure if they dispense Suboxone as it is a Methadone program, but more and more Methadone clinics are dispensing Suboxone these days. If they don't maybe they can point you in the right direction.
The other place that you were referred to sounds like they're into the cash flow as well. What are they thinking by placing a time limit on their Suboxone Patients?
I am so glad that Deborah has created the website and this forum. I honestly believe that if it weren't for her over half the patients seeking help wouldn't know where to go or how to get the help they need.
Everyday I see more and more how badly "Proper Education" is needed. As sad as it may sound it has come to the point that it is, "up to the patients to educate the doctor."
As hard as it may be Beth, I know you are going to make it though this. And once again your strength will prevail.
Always,
Dee

Subject: Re: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Sat 29 Aug 2009, 12:20 pm

Hi Dee,
I am sorry that I have not been here to respond sooner & I yet am on the move. I have to bake a casserole for a pig roast that we're attending today... I will be back to you soon though!
Love you,
B I love you

Subject: Re: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Sat 29 Aug 2009, 11:06 pm

That's okay Beth I re-read your post and to be honest I think the symptoms that you are having could be either one, somewhat withdrawal and stress combined.
And I'm not surprised with everything that you are having to cope with. I would be bonkers just dealing with the doctor situation and yet you also have the additional stuff that you do everyday, taking care of the babies, the house, etc.
Cathy is right though. Please don't go to that dark place. Stay here with us, we'll hold your hand, give you hugs and whatever else we can to get you though this.
There has to be a doctor somewhere there in Ohio that knows what he/she is doing in regards to Suboxone. I know you won't give up. You will find that doctor.
Thinking of you,
Dee

Subject: Re: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Wed 02 Sep 2009, 1:41 pm

Hi Dee, Cath, Barbara & everybody,
How are my favorite gals doing today? I am remaining strong actually.
I once again apologize for the size of my picture within this post. I tried it on the smaller scale & you simply could not see the details, nor read the words. If you gals can possibly tell, I really love angels! That started when I was quite young, as I've previously mentioned, my Dad lost two of his brothers when I was 5 & 7. They were both 25 when they had their car "accidents" & passed away. Both incidents were alcohol or drug related & only happened 2 years apart. It was an extremely difficult time period for our family, as well as me being so young, trying so hard to understand it. I had never seen my Dad cry before this. I think that is what had hurt me the most.. Anyways, during this time period, I knew that his brothers had gone to heaven & I always have believed that they became angels for the sake of the rest of the family. It probably sounds ridiculous now, but at that age, it made perfect sense to me! I've never stopped absolutely adoring all of the angels! Especially my uncles, whom I truly believed became angels upon their deaths. Geesh, I have gone on about my reasoning for all of my angel pictures enough for you to understand! I've really found some absolutely beautiful pictures to continue to include in my posts. When I was young, I used to wish for wings... Like a Star @ heaven

I realize that I haven't been posting as I normally do & wanted to catch up a bit. I actually have seen that the forum has been extemely quiet lately. I hate that, as the more discussions that are taking place, the more we can get out of our own recovery. I so very much wish that some of our previously regular "posters" will be back along shortly. I really miss some of our members, (sounded wrong) I miss all of our members, especially the ones who were on here sharing their experiences & I have had the fortune to get to know. Like our Sweet Jessica, Lori, MEZ!, Spicy Suzy, Sammy, the list goes on & on. I miss the "mom" of our group who always was able to provide another perspective, as it was her sons' addiction. Just like Lynn & her daughter being in recovery. I hope that if anyone reads this that has not been posting, I ask that you simply "drop a line" to let us know how you & your families are doing. I love you

Can you see that I am procrastinating regarding going into my own situation? I hate to admit that I am a terrible procrastinator. Well, I will get on the ball, just as you have all done for me & let you know where things are currently standing. I have yet to find a Provider after full days of calling 66 offices thus far. I have not tried to do anything regarding Dr. Junig, as of yet. I would obviously prefer to have a local doctor, but that just may not be "in the cards" for my situation. It seems that all of the offices that I am calling do not care to take in a new patient who is already maintained on the Suboxone. They all want the "New Patient" & for that patient to go through their Induction Process, as well as their "treatment" protocol. I don't know if this is absolutely truth, but I feel like it all comes down to the $$$. The dollar signs are what get their attention & many won't accept patients without insurance, as the costs that I have asked about are out of this world. Mad

The average is between $600-$1,000 dollars per week. Shocked

(especially the pain management offices) I don't necessarily have to go through any pain management, but I am trying any & EVERY Provider on the list. I simply cannot get over the costs. That is impossible for me. What a Face

Doctors will prescribe you Vicodins which cost around $10.00 for over fifty of them, but when you become addicted, it costs well into the thousands to receive proper help?!?!? Suspect

Something is wrong with this picture! I think that there need to be changes made somewhere along these lines. Idea

Addicts who are in desperate need of recovery, but cannot afford to get it...

Now I know that "we" have all been "able" to come up with the $$ while we were using & needed that next dosage. Yet, throughout our counseling, we have learned (and really even knew back then, but had no "choice" so-to-speak) to get away from those old ways. Illegal activities, sexual activities, anything to get the cash for our next high. We are no longer those same people, nor even being close to that same person we had been.

Thank you God! Like a Star @ heaven

Yet, I need to remain on Suboxone for maintenace of not ever being like that again. pale

I guess the best way to describe how I am feeling is extremely scared! I think that is partially due to my already existing anxiety, but just of "knowing" that I do not have a Provider & everyone that I have had has been liable enough to be reported & have a filed complaint against them. I don't even know about this about this last guy, as he obviously didn't even know he needed to be Certified?!?! What the hell, he even wrote out & gave me the prescription to go fill at the pharmacy. He probably must have really felt like a donkey when he found that out that he needed certification first!
So my plan of attack at the moment is to continue calling Suboxone doctors to try to get in any where semi-local, within the state?!? What a Face

I am seeing a local family doctor tomarrow for the first time to go over all of this with him. First off, Matt & the doctor grew up together, as well as we were all obviously in high school toegther. I have no idea if that will make one bit of a difference or not, but that's why I chose him, as well as being local & the rest of Matt's family sees him as well. I plan on walking in & laying my cards on the table- this is what it is, can you help me or not? I will also have a referral letter in my hand from Andy to give him. It will be basically stating that I am having a very hard time trying to find a Provider, but in the meantime, still needs her other meds. He is able to see me & treat for me for the depression & anxiety issues. And of course, you know me, I will take along all of the information of how to become a "Certified Suboxone Provider" for him to read over, if he so chooses, then use my best persuasion to explain to him why it would be such a benefit to the community that we have grown up in & to give us local addicts a chance for recovery!! Idea

It sounds like selfish motives & maybe to a point it is, but it would truly help so many others as well. Like a Star @ heaven

I will also ask him to call our long time local pharmicist to ask his opinion of the idea because I know what Don thinks of this miracle medication! Wink

Not to mention, that Don knows all about addiction himself. And I believe that this doctor would respect Don's input, as he has been around forever. Exclamation

What an incredible man he is as well! I love you

He has been here with me throughout the years of this horrific addiction & still kisses & hugs me each & every time that I see him. He's quite proud of me these days! Smile

Okay, I have laid it all out there, what do you gals think of my plan of attack thus far? Any suggestions or other opinions about doing it this way? I just feel like I'm running out of options, so I'm trying to create my own. What a Face

I know that this has been bad news in the past, creating my own paths, but this is all for positive reasonings, correct? Please let me hear some feedback from my friends, as I NEED the positive encouragement right now, please? Or if you see a better way or a flaw in my plan? Let me know. Suspect

Thanks for reading along throughout these continued issues, but somehow I am trying & am somewhat surprised by myself for not falling apart. (or at least, not yet) Wink

I actually feel good about how I am getting though this. Yesterday, I took both kiddos to a local lake that has a waterfall. It was quite a hike, especially for Little Matty Boy's legs & it's all through the woods & having to climb (as well as obviously having to get down there in the first place) which was harder for both of them to keep their foooting. But I am attempting to remain busy throughout calling my lists of doctors... No one says that I have to sit here in front of this computer screen to make these such calls. I simply have to take the list with me. cyclops

I want to show my kids how to skip rocks & see waterfalls & enjoy their childhood, despite Mama being an addict. I am not an active addict & I have the world to introduce to my children!! I love you

God has blessed me over & over again. I have high hopes of this new plan I was talking about, but that's just because I want it to work so badly. Idea

Tonight I see Andy, then, in the morning, I see the family doctor. I sure am keeping my fingers crossed & saying my prayers! Like a Star @ heaven

Of course, I will let you all know how this works out, or not... I have to believe that it will all come together!
Looking forward to talking with you soon!! Wink

Your Friend Struggling through Recovery,
Love you gals-
B I love you

Subject: Re: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Wed 02 Sep 2009, 10:18 pm

Hello dear sweet Beth,
I am sorry but I didn't see this post until just now. I have been here off and on today so I don't know why I didn't see it. I guess I am preoccupied.
I am sending all of my prayers along with you to your appointment in the morning. If you need me you know where I am, and how to reach me.
I am praying this is the one for you. If anyone has shown determination to stay in recovery it is you.
I have to go for now. I am so tired that my eyes are starting to cross and that is not attractive on me. It's not my look.
Sleep with the angels
Dee

Number of posts : 256 Age : 67 Registration date : 2009-01-10

Hey Beth, I think your plan is great! Hopfully this Doctor will like your plan it will benefit him too expand his practice. If he went to high school with you and Matt that means he's a younger doctor and he might be more open minded. I am proud of you for hanging in there and not crawling into a hole. I am glad you took the kiddo's to the lake. It's always nice to be out in the sunshine. Let us know what happens. I have my fingers cross! Your BFF, Love, Cathy

Subject: Re: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Thu 03 Sep 2009, 9:01 am

Good Morning ladies,
How is everyone doing today so far? I'm just going to go straight to the point of my morning thus far. What a Face

I've finally lost it! I'm sitting here sobbing this a.m. This is the day that I have been dreading due to finally falling apart! Twisted Evil

Dee, I know that you & I were on the same "wavelength" late last night when we said Goodnight & we both included "Sleep with the Angels" before signing off. Although, I do consider my children to be precious angels, but my "angels" will NOT sleep. We have cut out naps during the daytime altogether, which means that they are grouchy & in need of sleep for most of the day, but I still manage to get through their tantrums, counting down until bedtime. You friends know how I get when I don't get adequate sleep. This has started just a couple of weeks ago where these kids seem to need NO sleep- EVER!!! Aren't we all supposed to sleep? They aren't taking naps, nothing with sugar after 6pm. I'm trying to make the correct changes to get them tired out at night. I take them places throughout the daytime, such as the park or on walks. I mentioned that the other day I took them to a local lake that has a waterfall & we hiked all through the woods. I KNOW that it tired me out, how can it not tire out a 2 & 3 year old? They have been staying up more than what they sleep at night. They run all over the place like wild banchies, body slamming Matt & I, requesting drinks, food, anything that they can think of possibly asking for to remain awake. Out of the last five nights, I have seen 4-5am before ever even getting to sleep. One will fall asleep, but the other one cannot handle being awake alone, so the game goes on... Right now we don't have the option to provide them with their own rooms, so they do have to share. But so did we all growing up & it was never like that. I even asked my Mom to be sure, but we didn't stay up for the majority of the night. Even on days with naps & sugar & it raining outside, so we played inside, we STILL went to bed!! Idea

As I said, I finally went to sleep at 5 this morning & Matt's alarm went off at 5:30. The kids have been up ever since running around & screaming, just playing as children do, but without an entire hour of sleep throughout the night. Shocked

As Matt was leaving, he needed me to sign him a check & spoke about my upcoming day, as it is full of appointments. I am seeing the new family doctor at 9:00, then I see Andy at 11:00 because she cancelled our appointment last night due to a severe headache. Dee, I told her that I'd beat her later! Wink

But Matt had come home in one of his "financial crisis" modes & all I wanted to do was to get away from him & his negativity. What a Face

I was sobbing when I was trying to go to sleep last night, as well as waking up the very same way. I am exhausted & am just like a child when they don't receive enough sleep. I cry & cry & cry. Today is not the day for this meltdown. Not that any day really is, but especially when I have to drop my kiddos off to my Mom to watch during my appointments. She will also be watching my sisters daughter, who is also nearly 2, along with my two.

The poor, dear soul!! Like a Star @ heaven

(my Mom, that is) They will be falling completely apart by then. I really am sorry for my Mama, but if it gets to be too much for her to handle, I will cancel with Andy to go get them from her, as I don't want her to never want to watch them again... affraid

Okay, I guess that I have to get going to get ready to drop them off & get to my first appointment. I hope that this doctor is open minded, as you'd mentioned Cathy, he is also in his thirties & may possibly want to become a Provider. Especially because we are right smack in the middle of an epidemic of presciption pill abuse. As I said, I will use my best persuasion to attempt talking him into, at the very least, checking out the information to become a Provider. The only concern I have about him wishing to do so is that he is in practice with other doctors, whom may have no interest in this sort of treatment. Or that they all have "rules" within their office regarding who is allowed to do what.... Please keep your fingers crossed & pray that he will be able to help me. Like a Star @ heaven

I will be back on later, after these appointments, to let you know how it all works out.... Suspect

I need all the strength that you girls can send my way, please?!?!?
At least, I am no longer crying. Just posting all of this out has helped me to calm down. And guess what? In 15 minutes, I will need to leave & both children have fallen back asleep throughout this post. Rolling Eyes

So I have to wake them up to get them ready to get out the door. I'm in hopes that they will sleep while staying with my Mom to make it easier on her. I love you

Why now & not throughout the night, as that is our "normal" sleeping time? cyclops

God knows how I love them though. I can't ever stop kissing & holding them. Like a Star @ heaven

They really are precious little ones & I don't ever want that to be forgotten throughout my frustrations. I'll have to tell you a story in the next post about when I woke up & was crying regarding how Sweet Caroline was trying to console her Mama. It makes me feel good because the things that she is saying to me are the exact words that I say to them. I am doing a good job as a Mother, if her love & empathy say anything about me at all. Like a Star @ heaven

I really do have to go, but as you can see, don't want to leave at all. What a Face

Here we go again with another new doctor.... cheers

Please let it work out!!
Talk to you soon my dearest friends.
Love your BFF,
B What a Face

(

!!)

Subject: Re: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Thu 03 Sep 2009, 7:11 pm

Beth,
I have you in my prayers that this appointment worked out for you the way that it should.
I am sorry that you are having such a hard time with the babies and sleep. I wish I knew what to say, I do know that children can pick up on how we feel. On the outside you may be smiling, but on the inside you are falling apart. Take care to get the rest you so badly need. You can only hold out for so long before you sink. I hate to sound like a doomsayer. But I do worry about you.
I'll bet that your mom doesn't have a link of problems with the babies today. When they wake up at night how do you handle it? Do you put them back in bed, or do you try and bargain with them? Where is Matt when this is going on? I know that he works during the day, but he still needs to be there when they wake up to back you up.
Is there some way that you can put each one of them to sleep in different rooms? I wish I could help.
Let us know how it goes at the doctors office.
Always,
Dee

Subject: Re: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Thu 03 Sep 2009, 10:15 pm

Hi Dee,
I just saw your post, but am in desperate need of sleep tonight. I will post in the morning to let you know how today went down.
Thank you for the encouragement!
Again, sleep with the angels!! As well as my Dear Cathy! Sleep

Talk with you soon.
Love you,
B I love you

Number of posts : 256 Age : 67 Registration date : 2009-01-10

Hi Beth, I just wrote you a post and I don't know what happen to it. I am typing this in the wee hours of Friday morning. I hope everything went ok at the doctors. As for the kiddos, are they too young for Benedril? I don't know alot about toddlers but my Vet. told me to give the dogs Benedril when I couldn't settle them down for the night if it was thundering or a storm was raging outside. My doctor also told me to take it if I couldn't sleep. I hope you don't think I am crazy for suggesting that. Like I said I don't know a whole about kids. Maybe you can put a baby gate in their doorway and child proof their room. Just go to bed at night and just let them tire themselfs out on their own. I am looking forward for your next post. By the way, I bought Lori's book today. It is being shipped to me. I'll talk to you soon. Hopefully you got some rest. Love, Cathy

Subject: Re: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Fri 04 Sep 2009, 12:00 pm

Hello Cathy & Dee,
I love you girls so much I cannot even describe how much our friendships mean to me. I am not quite sure what my deal is this morning. I have yet again woken up full of tears. I continue to sit here & just sob until I cannot see out of my contacts clearly. I know that we all have sad days, but I have to get some control over myself. Maybe this is really what I need, simply just a good cathartic cry. It's not a bad way to get myself together or rather get all the "bad" emotions out in some way. Crying isn't always bad. I always listen to music while I post & a couple of songs came on that just triggered memories for me. At the moment, I am listening to "Be Not Afraid" & can still remember every lyric to it from growing up in the Catholic church. I very much miss my Grandpa & when his brother recently passed away, I don't think that I grieved as I should have. My great-uncle who was a priest, my Grandpa's brother, whom has performed all of our weddings, baptisms, funerals, as well as just being an incredible man, who was also an addict in recovery for nearly 40 years. At my Grandpa's funeral, I remember him walking up the aisle & the song "I Will Lift You Up On Eagles Wings" was being played & everyone was singing along. I was devestated when I lost my G-pa, as I was the oldest grandchild of his oldest son. I spent enormous amounts of quality time with my paternal grandparents. Anyways, throughout that funeral, as I said, my uncle was walking up the aisle & we were all singing about raising him up on eagle's wings. I was singing loud & clearly, yet sobbing in between. I will never forget that incident, as I saw my uncle look right at me & nod as if he understood my exact feelings. He blessed me with "Holy Water" to help relieve my personal pain & to be thankful that Grandpa was now with God. He was not scared of death- he embraced it. (to a point, if that makes sense) Anyways, I obviously have been having a quite stressful go of it lately & that song brought on the tears that have been held inside throughout my own ordeal. Idea

Just by posting this all out to you dear friends has helped subside my tears. They have stopped flowing. Again, my angels carry me through it all. Like a Star @ heaven

My uncles (Dad's brothers) have sent me the comfort of knowing that they are all in a better place & to not be saddened, but to praise God. I love you

So, my dear friends, I am going to re-start this post on a more positive note. As for my non-sleeping children, I am not sure what to do, as I have tried many different options without luck. Dee, to answer your question about how I handle it when they do get up. I get frustrated & there is NO bargaining. They belong in bed & if they get out, they get their little butt swatted. I am trying to show them that nothing that they continue to ask for will be given to them throughout the night, when they are to be sleeping. I always repeat that we can get these things in the morning after we wake up, then place them directly back into bed.
Cathy, regarding your idea about Benedryl, I am unsure about the anwser to that one. I will call the pharmacy today & ask the pharmicist what he recommends. I know that when we were growing up, there used to be a medication that you could buy over the counter by signing for it at the pharmacy. Then, you could put a couple of drops into their bottles or in my case, in their juice or something. Apparently, it worked quite well from what I have been hearing from Matts Dad. I really doubt that it's still available, if you had to sign for it at the pharmacy thirty years ago, I don't believe that would still "fly" as the pharmaceutical industry has "tightened up" as the years have gone by. (as we all know!) But there has to be something out there to help remedy this ongoing situation. Slipping my kiddos "mickies" into their nightly drink. Laughing

Heck, I'm to the point of trying about anything. (that I'm sure is safe for them!) And Dee, just while we're still on the topic of the children, you were exactly right on target regarding how they behaved for my Mom, then changed "tunes" the moment I walked back in the door. Caroline was even wearing her underwear with no accidents the entire time. I walked in & my Mom said "let's show Mommy how you've been using the big girl potty" and Caroline started screaming that she wanted a diaper back instead!?!? What a Face

My Mom & I both tried talking with her, even bribing her with everything from Princess panties to pink gum to stickers.... No go!!! (literally-HAHA) Rolling Eyes

I will call the pharmacy today to ask their opinion on the Benedryl or if there if something else available for that issue. I have to call the pharmacy anyways because I need to know the exact amount of Suboxone I have left there, as I haven taken my one for today, but have to go get more.
Finally getting to the doctors appointment, I sat there & explained the entire situation to him. He wants me referred to a "Psychiatrist" as I was seen for anxiety & depression. He told me that he felt "out of his league" with my entire situation. He doesn't write for Valium, but he did change my anti-depressant to Cymbalta. He told me that it has a "calmng effect" while on it. I know that Cathy has had good results from being so it, so I said yes. Cathy, does it have "calming effects" as he stated?? I am starting on 30mgs today, but if it doesn't make me nauseas, then to go ahead & start taking the 60mgs once daily. What dosage are you on? Does it upset your stomach? That concerns me only because my belly has already been hurting off & on, sometimes severely. I'd like to hope that its just really bad gas, but I am concerned about an ulcer. It's always after I eat. Well, I took one when I took my other meds this morning when I got up at nine & I haven't felt sick throughout writing this post. So far, so good! Idea

So, I guess that I need to see a psych doctor to get these other issues handled, but am geting to the point of just wanting to quit! I don't know, but I really wish that I didn't feel like these medications are anchors around my ankles. Matt told me last night that he didn't think that I could make it through a day without a pill. He is exactly right about that. He wasn't completely right regarding other issues though. Our relationship has a deep wedge in it which I truly pray doesn't become too large to repair.. Sad

Anyways, back to me, (that was the line that Jessica had used & it made me laugh) I have several phone calls to make & need to get this closed up.
I also have a surprise for the two of you- keep your eyes on your mail!! Wink

Hope to hear from you soon!
Much Love my BFF,
B I love you

Subject: Re: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Sat 05 Sep 2009, 12:54 am

Hi Beth,
I am going to be quite blunt right now. I think it is time for you to call Dr. Junig. Seriously. Not only is he a Suboxone provider but a psychiatrist as well.
You need to talk to someone that knows what he is doing and what you are going through.
I'm not surprised that you are having "belly pain" we know that I am not a doctor but a friend and a friend that worries about you. I believe in my heart that part of your pain is stress. You are so stressed out and worried about your recovery, the babies not sleeping and your marriage. It's no wonder that your having such a hard time.
When the babies were over at your moms they were with someone that even though she is their grandmother, they don't live with her and she is not their constant companion. They have to be on their best behavior with her as they don't know how she will react if they were to act out. Am I making sense? I know they love you with all of their heart, your their momma, the person that is with them 24.7 takes care of them. They are used to you.
The medication that your father in law is talking about I believe is Paregoric. He is right, years ago you could walk into the pharmacy and sign for it lickity split. They gave it mainly for babies that had colic,or diarrhea it ease their stomach cramps and help them to get to sleep.
And some mothers would put it into the baby's bottle to help them sleep when nothing else would do the trick.
But paregoric as far as I know is no longer available unless maybe by a prescription. It is not anything that you would want to give your babies. And I'll tell you why. I went over to my old reliable Drugs.com and copied the information here for you to read.

Paregoric
Opium is a narcotic derived from the seed pod of a poppy plant. It works by increasing smooth muscle tone and decreasing fluid secretions in the intestines. This slows the movement of bowel matter through the intestines.
Opium preparations are used along with other measures to treat severe diarrhea. These medicines belong to the group of medicines called narcotics. If too much of a narcotic is taken, it may become habit-forming, causing mental or physical dependence. Physical dependence may lead to withdrawal side effects when you stop taking the medicine.
www.drugs.com

It's hard to believe that mothers along time ago used to give their babies something like this to help them sleep. But I honestly don't think they realized what it really was or how it could effect their children. As long as it was used properly it was a very effective medication.
As for giving them benadryl, be careful. Sometimes when you give someone Benadryl it can have the opposite effect that you want it to have.
Cathy's right. They do give it to dogs to help relax them. My sister and I would give Benadryl to puppies before travel to keep them calm.
Talk to your pharmacist and see what he says, you can also talk to their doctor and explain the situation maybe he can give you some advice.
My prayers are with you Beth.
Always
Dee

Subject: Re: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Sat 05 Sep 2009, 5:02 pm

Hi Dee,
How are you doing today? It is a beautiful Saturday afternoon here in Ohio. (the heart of it all!?!) Wink

Thanks so very much for checking up on that medication that they used to basically give babies. Paregoric- imagine giving it to them often & if they became addicted? That would be a horrible ordeal for a baby to endure, as if its not hard enough as an adult, imagine being two or three years old going through withdrawl..

That is sad. And I am sure that you are right about the parents having no idea regarding what they were actually doing to their precious little crying baby. Things have come quite a long way in the pharm. industry, particularly regarding narcotics. As we all know to be a good thing, in most cases. I did call the pharmicist regarding the Childrens Benedryl & that is exactly what he would've recommended. He told me that sometimes you'll have to give it to them for a few nights straight to get their normal routine back. We gave it to them last night, but not until late, so we are going to attempt dosing them earlier to see if we actually get results. Or as you stated, if it keeps them up & excitable instead of working the other way around. We sure need something to work.
I went in for a job interview last night at the local Dollar General store for an interview for a management position. The woman whom I spoke with for over an hour called me back today & told me that they couldn't find my test results (as the Dollar Store is corporate & has many "stipulations" to being hired..) So sometime over the weekend here, I am going back up to re-take that test & as long as I pass it, it's a go!! The woman/manager, Kathy, will be back in on Monday & check out my results, then I will know for sure that I am indeed hired! I surely hope that I can pass a Dollar General test!??!? cyclops

Then, I should plan on working about 20 hours per week or right around that time frame. The pay is lousy- I will still have to continue to keep my eyes open for a better paying job, but this is close to home & it is a job. I will take any employment right now, then have the option of getting "picky" about what I exactly want. Right now, that is as simple as a paycheck! Wink

I believe that you may be correct in your bluntness regarding Dr. Junig. I was simply hoping to locate a local facility, but that may not be an option. I have to give it this one last try though, as I have scheduled an appointment with a Psychatrist for Thursday at 1:30. Then, the next Thursday, 9/17/2009, I do have an appointment with a Provider. I even made sure to ask that she was indeed a "Certified Suboxone Provider" after explaining my previous situation & most recent letdown. The woman I was speaking with laughed, but assured me that she was indeed a Provider. And the price range sounds much more realistic than that doctor who wasn't certified. It's a cash only facility & I have to bring $350.00 with me, as well as my license & all medications that I am currently taking, inside of their bottles.. That could get a little tricky with the benzo situation. I have past bottles, I think I do anyways, but they aren't going to be current, nor have any medication in them.. So, unless I can convince this psychatrist to write me a script for the benzos, hopefully praying that he or she will understand my predicament & finally be the true help that I need. This psych is also on a "sliding scale" income wise, so I shouldn't have to pay hundreds of dollars to see him as well as the Provider. That is how it works out with Andy for me as well, which helps me out more than what I could ever imagine. As I said, the last counselor that I came from cost $145.00 for a 45 minute session. Twisted Evil

So, this is the newest game plan of the moment, but in the meantime I still want to be attempting to set up an appointment or assessment with Dr. Junig. I just got into the two of these facilities pretty quickly that I still want to give it one more shot! And especially because I highly doubt that I can get in with Dr. Junig within two weeks. I'm running low on my Suboxone. I am only taking 8mgs most days & am NOT feeling all too great. Sweaty palms & feet, just that yucky feeling & lots & lots of crying spells.. As well as being tired & you would think (or most people would think), of course your feeling tired, your taking 5 Valiums a day, but I actually get more done right after I take them than later on as they are "wearing off" as I try to stay at a pretty constant level with them. Dee, I need to go off of them. They help me, yes, they calm me, yes, I feel better on them, yes. I am addicted to them. YES. I am still functioning normally at this point with them, yes, but I am scared & I know that my brain isn't "normal" that I do have a disease. I know that I need to maintain it & I have been doing so, as well as keeping up pretty well on my daily duties. So, I say what is the problem? But I am an addict, so I will try to justify why I need to stay on them regardless & not even realize it. Because I truly do shake & have panic attacks & cannot settle myself down without them. I have never learned how to do so, or if I even could, if its a disease that I have.. I don't know the amount of damage I have done to my brain throughout the years of my drug abuse, nor do I know how I was "wired" at birth.. I don't know how I want to handle this situation that I have myself in. I am scared to go off of them, but I am scared to stay on them as well. What a Face

I don't know what to do. I wish that I could find a non-habit forming anxiety medication that helped me the same as what the Valium does. The only thing that I have heard of that's close to that is Seroquel, which after reading a post from Deborah & reading the testimonies of many whom have taken it before, it doesn't sound any easier to get off of taking that compared to the benzos. As well as the side effects of Seroquel. So, like i continue to repeat, I simply just do not know what to do or how to handle this whole entire situation of where I am in life these days! Suspect

I feel like quitting, but know that I can't, I won't. I'm hoping that the Cymbalta helps out some as it did for Cathy. I'm feeling like I am in "dire straights" these days. I'm having daily headaches & stomach pain. I need to get back to feeling okay again. I'm trying hard to "fake it" to make it through, like if you get your head through your ass will follow, but am simply going through the motions, as there are so many Emotions that I can't keep up with this roller coaster ride. I continue to do my laundry & scrub up dog pee off of the basement floor with bleach & change diapers & bake dinner & you know what I do throughout my days. Your the last one I need to tell you about that. My nearing 14 year old daughter puts up a sign that I made as a reminder for trash night, yet walks right past the barrel on her way down the driveway?!?! Like I said, I feel like quitting. I know that I never could or would as I could NOT live without my children, but the thought crosses my mind when all the stress is weighing me down!! I just always feel tired of a thankless job, though I love my children dearly, I don't want to do it alone. Matt does try to help. He does help, but is also the one working full time days, so he needs his sleep more. We are still hanging in there, but there is a wedge between us right now that I pray is repairable. I love the man, no doubt about that fact, but cannot be SuperWoman as you seem to pull off. I don't know what else I can possibly do, other than obtaining this employment? Which I pray to God doesn't kill me in the meantime, as it did at that last telemarketing job this past spring. Severe depression & I had quit coming onto here where & when I needed the very most support. cyclops

That can't happen again, but winter is a coming & his work will slow waayy down, so I need to have employment to take some of the burden off of his shoulders as well. It is what it is & the kids still have to eat! You know what I'm referring to... I need to be in a position that I can take care of my own needs, as well as contributing to this family. I just don't know if I have enough hours in the day to get all of this accomplished... I feel overwhelmed just talking about it all. Shocked

I think that I am going to try to lay down for a bit with little Matty boy as he is falling to the ground in need of sleep, which is close to how I feel, so I think I will try to justify a little nap by laying with him.. Idea

I will talk with you soon.
As always, thanks for listening, my friend.
Love,
B I love you

Subject: Re: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Sat 05 Sep 2009, 11:57 pm

Beth,
I will most certainly keep you in my prayers for this job. I wouldn't worry about the test that you have to take. What kind of test is it? Morality? That is what I call the new tests that you have to do in order to get past the application stage. The one that has statements and you have to choose weather you agree, disagree, strongly disagree, etc. then the statement may be. I get upset easily. And so on.
( who's going to admit to getting upset? not me!)
What ever the test may be YOU WILL PASS IT!!! I know you will
One thing though. I am no super woman. Believe me. At the end of the day sometimes I feel like I am going to just fall into the bed. There are many nights that I sit here on this computer and my eyes actually start to roll. Really no joke they do. But I keep telling myself one more sentence, just a minute more.
But that's just me. It's hard for me to explain, I have a very hard time getting myself to relax. It's almost like if I don't stay busy I feel like I should be up and doing something. I took three walks today just to make myself keep going and for what? There isn't anyone here telling or asking me to do anything today but I still keep going.
I have learned that it is part of my addiction that makes me this way. I guess there could be worse things. once again it's late and I should be in bed.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Dee

Subject: Re: Beth, New Suboxone Provider Sun 06 Sep 2009, 9:56 am

Morning Sweet Dee,
How are you doing on this fine, sunny Sunday? I am doing fine thus far.
I didn't wake up in tears this morning!! cheers

That's certainly a better start than most days this week. Except I completely forgot that it was Labor Day weekend & I am out of my Suboxone. They closed early last night, so I missed picking them up. They are "normally" open on Sundays from 11-3, but I am not so sure about today, being a holiday weekend. I am a lazy, dumb butt sometimes, as I just put it off all day yesterday & look where I have left myself due to my procrastination. Mad

I need to "get on the ball" so to speak. Especially because I have already been going through the withdrawls due to cutting down to one so quickly. I am wondering how long this will last or if it will only get better once I get back up to the 16mgs. But like yesterday, I have had the sweaty palms & feet, that "yuck-o" feeling inside, where you just cannot get comfortable, as well as having the runny nose & feeling so cold inside. I had layers upon layers on through an August afternoon. Literally, a camisole, a t-shirt, a sweatshirt, a hooded sweater, fleece pants & socks that are like slippers. (very thick!) Then, late last night I came across another Suboxone & instantly popped it under my tongue. Within just a few minutes, I was peeling layer after layer off & felt so very much better! So my plan for today is to call one of the women that has worked at the pharmacy for years upon years to make sure that the pharmacy is going to open today. I had no luck getting ahold of her, so I called the actual pharmiscist himself & they are going to open from 10-3. Thank God! I figured that they'd be closed tomarrow, but was concerned about going throughout two more full days without any at all. I will be sitting there at ten on the dot to get them. They are already filled & just need my signature to pick up. A mere two minute transaction. I knew that I would be okay after takng that one late last night for at least part of the morning, but it won't last, as we know all too well. My hands & feet are already doing their little tricks with getting all sweaty & yucky feeling. I feel VERY fortunate that they are even open today. Anyways, I will have my Suboxone today & there will be no suffering through these next couple of days. (at least not due to withdrawl) Especially when I have that Dollar Store deal going on throughout the very same time frame.
About that Dollar Store deal, I am scared! Not of hard work, you know that, but I already have what feels like such a full plate. I also believe that I can pass their "Morality Test"- but I don't know. I am scared of taking on more when I feel like I can barely keep up with what I already have going... I'll talk with you more about this later in a PM.
I can completely relate attempting to "stay busy" at all moments because of being unable to sit still or relax, even when I have the chance to actually do so, which is rare in itself. I feel limited to what I can & cannot do throughout the days though due to my kids. I often feel restricted because they need their routines as well. Speaking of that, they did sleep last night. Not entirely, but nothing compared to what the past week or two has been like for us. Matt & I actually went to sleep together last night with our arms around each other. I cannot tell you the last time that we have even really been able to sleep together. (really just even sleep!) I fell alseep so quickly & easily. I woke up at 8:30 & felt good. Amazingingly, I was only up one time at four this morning & he went right back to sleep. Phew!!
I'm going to close this up for now as I have four people sitting around me. I'll talk with you more later.
Love to you & your family,
B I love you

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