Congratulations Beth

Hi Beth,
I just read on the other post that you wrote to Sammy about your passing your driving test and having your license back in your hands.
It has been a long year for you hasn't it. With every milestone that has been put in your path, you have climbed that mountain.
I am proud of you my friend.
I don't think that you really realized what you are capable of. You have the power to take on any obstacle and make it though. It may of course take awhile as most things worth having do. But the point is, you can do it.
I was also glad to hear that you were able to pick up your medication. I know how stressed you were feeling about it.
Walk with your head held high Beth, and know how strong you are.
Yours,
Dee

Hi Dee,
Thanks for your above post- it has been a long year! You sure are right about that. I went to court this morning for all of this mess & I have to do 40 hours of community service, as well as having all fines & costs paid off by 8/28/09. That's a payment of $120.00 per week!! Court was a great relief, but the money part is not. Last year, I lied to Matt about making a five hundred dollar payment towards the court costs & that all came out today after we got out of court to set up making the current payment arrangements. The stupid thing is that I just continued to stick to this lie, as I didn't know how to tell him now. Just ANOTHER breach of his trust. I don't know why I do this- I really don't. I had the chance to tell him before him finding out & did not choose to do so. Again, why? I know that I was scared because what I did was wrong & he'd be so pissed because it wasn't MY money. "That I was stealing food out of the mouths of our babies!" But for him to find out without me telling him first, what in the world is wrong with me? He feels betrayed, that he cannot believe me (why should he?) and that if I'd lie about these types of things, what else am I lying to him about? And Dee, I'm really not sure how this happens. I feel (know) that I am pushing him further & further away, as we're trying so hard to continue to stay strong together. All he wants is honesty. There's no reason for me to lie to him & that's not to much ask from me. He's helped me & stood by me through all of this. He's the person that I respect the most in the world & I am not portraying that respect when I lie. I don't even know what to say- I just want to cry. All of my lies have caught up to me, I'm not hiding anything now. The other week, a package of Acai Berry herbal cleanser came in the mail for me that I'd ordered to cleanse my body of toxins. When we walked into the house, I saw that the package was there & picked it up & kept walking while opening it. Well, Matts Dad was the one who'd set it on the counter & he saw me pick them up & "hurried off" according to him. So, the other night he told Matt that he didn't know if he should say anything or not, but that he wouldn't ever be able to forgive himself if something happened to me due to him not knowing what pills were in the package. So he told Matt that a package of pills came for me in the mail & of course, his first response is to assume that they are something that I'm not supposed to have. He came home freaking out because he can't believe a word that I say anyways & I showed him what they were that I'd ordered & he said BS, you can get those at the pharmacy, where were the "real pills" that I'd bought, etc, etc, but I was telling the truth. But why would he or could he believe me? I ended up finding the packaging that it came in & thankfully, it said acai berry herbal tablets. But, up until the point of me finding that, watching him dump my purse & check bottles & flushing all meds that I am no longer taking, such as the Lithium, Stavzor, etc. & yelling at me the entire time, mocking me. I could just sit there & cry because I knew that I was telling the truth, but how can I blame him for not believing me? I've created this & its hurting our relationship. I am so sad right now because then today, yet another huge lie from my past comes back out & I didn't even know what to say- but I couldn't tell him & I don't know why? He's my best friend- I'm trying to tell him everything now, but continue to have my past haunt me, as well as some present stupid lies. He doesn't deserve this & I really, really don't want to lose this man. You know how much I love him. He's left for work just shaking his head at me. I'm just sitting here crying because what should be a happy day, I've ruined because I couldn't get the words out to tell him that I'd lied! I don't even have anything to say. Sorry? Yeah right, that'll get it taken care of & handled... I'm sorry to be so depressed on what should be a relieving day. I am sad. I'm going to close this up for now, but will talk to you soon. Thank you, as always, for being there to listen.
Love You,
B

i couldnt help but post here beth
my heart goes out to you both . i know how matt is probably feeling as i have been lied to so much by my son during his addiction .
the last time he relapsed i wrote down things on paper i knew needed to be addressed . lying to me was first on that list . i told him i need him to be brutally honest. i can tell you that at times i wasnt as mad at him for the things he had done , as i was for him lying to me . being the one who is lied to is like trying to walk on one of those swinging bridges . just when you think maybe everything is ok you fall off the bridge .
please dont feel im beating you up here ... god knows you have been through your own personal hell ... but dont forget that you take the people who love you most there with you also .
you need to get it together and take responsibilities for the lies . and you need to stop doing it . you need to talk to matt and let him know there will be NO MORE lies . without that promise you leave him on that swinging bridge without good footing .
you say you love him and dont want to lose him . if thats the case then work at it ! make up a paper contract if need be that promises him no more lies . no matter how ugly the problem is dear beth ... dont make it any uglier by lying about it . the people who love you need solid footing as their journey is a hard one too .
you have changed sooooo much about you ... time to change the lying .
im speaking to you like a mom beth ... and im a mom who has been in matts shoes . i cant say it enough how IMPAIRATIVE it is that we know the truth .
step up to the plate with matt... take your lumps and promise not to lie again ,, and stick to that promise .
im sure he deserves that much kiddo .
i love ya beth
your so very worth it all ... never forget it
hugs and prayers
Suz aka da Mom
hahahahaha

Hi Suzy- da Mom,
Thank you for your response & your accurate words. These are things that I already know, yet haven't quite learned how to change completely.. but your right, the time is now. I don't want to drag my loved ones through this hell any longer. I will be addressing this entire situation with my counselor on Wed. I even asked Matt if he'd like to join me, he said he would, but that there was nothing that she could say to change the way that he already feels in his heart... He is hurt. When he came back home the other night after leaving shaking his head at me as he was leaving, he asked me if his wife would drive him out to dinner that night. We asked Nadine & her friends (the neighbor girls) to watch the kiddos for a couple of hours & we went to the Outback. We actually had a date. We haven't been out together, even just for dinner, since the babies have been born. We talked & he again stated that all he wants is honesty. He told me that he knows he overreacts when I do tell him such things, yet not nearly as badly as if I would've just told him in the first place. He also told me that he would work on that. He doesn't want me to feel afraid to tell him the truth. Yet, there always seems to be something. As I'm sure you know by reading my other posts, but I was put back on benzos by my previous doctor and here's the big shocker: I'm hooked on them! DUH! So, when I finally got into my new doctor, he switched it to Valium, which I'd previously been on from the age of 22 until 30 when I stopped, due to the fact that I found out that I was pregnant with Caroline. I also went off of my Dilantin at that time as well. (I am epileptic) Both drugs have potential to cause birth defects and I never went back onto either of them. Until this past winter, when my Suboxone doctor put me on Tranxene. I didn't realize until nearly 3 months later that it was a benzo because I didn't believe that an "Addiction Specialist" would put an addict on another habit forming drug without at least warning me of what it was & the potential for addiction. But that's just the facts, Jack! Now, it is what it is & I have another addiction. Now, I realize that I need some sort of anxiety med, but the hard part about that is that most drugs that help anxiety do have habit forming qualities. So, now I just feel like I'm starting completely over. Matt considers this a relapse- is that true? I am not using the oxycontins at all & haven't for a loong time now. (for me, a year is amazing!) But, by me having to rely on these benzos, have I just relapsed? Is this even worth it? I have a hopeless feeling right now. My tolerance to the Valium is already so high due to being on it for so long in the past. I keep overtaking my pills. My doctor knows that I'm addicted to them, Matt & my Mom & the world knows this. I don't want to continue to making the problem worse, yet I either have to have him increase my dosage, then taper me down to a realistic level or change the meds or I don't know what, but again, this is causing waves between Matt & I. We've continued to talk & talk to understand where the other is coming from. He told me that he cannot handle & will not handle, nor live his life with it revolving around my pill addiction. I don't blame him for this. It has nothing to do with lack of love, but again, it is what it is. We are still trying- he is willing to give me this last chance to attempt to change my lying ways. I pray that I haven't already pushed him too far away for us to recover from all of this. I don't know if we can get past the resentment that he already feels towards me. I pray that I can & will make these changes & that by me proving this to him over time, maybe he won't have to feel like he's trying to walk on that swaying bridge that you described. It's like he said, just when I feel like I have trust again, is when I should begin to worry. What a strain this causes our relationship... I am going to just keep on trying my hardest. The lying became such a part of my addiction that I've continued to carry that habit without even realizing it. But now that I do, it will become my primary focus to learn how to change those old habits. I pray that I can do it before I ruin my family. Thanks for your advice Suzy! I know that I have alot to work on, but I will continue to fight it, despite the hopeless feeling that I'm enduring today. I appreciate your feedback & will talk more with you soon.
I have to start getting myself ready to go put on a "happy face" for a high school graduation party on his side of the family. (which in my messed up mind, means that I wish I had 5 Valium to take before this always so lovely get togethers with his family on his mothers side.) I dread going, but this is the only time that we ever see his mother, so I guess that we are obligated???
I'll be back tonight to finish replying to other posts, but thank you again for your support & advice.
Blessings to you & your son.
Love,
B

hiya beth
i have read your post more then once i must admit . i think it is fabulous the way you write your feelings out . i can even see that as you write ... your figuring out things for yourself in your own head . thats the beauty of the process of writting . it clears the dust bunnies out of our minds and souls .
glad to see your both working on things .
please dont let yourself feel hopeless . as long as you wake up ,and your breathing there is hope sweetie .. for all of us . every day we live we learn to do just a little better then the day before maybe . and soon that one little better thing spirals ,and before you know it things are alot better. life is like that somehow . there is a country song ... its says .." lifes a dance you learn as you go ". ever hear it ? well its true . i have been around long enough to know im not at all like the person i was 20 yrs ago . and neither will you be . just close your eyes and imagine it ...i mean REALLY see it ...you ,, in the future.., clean .. sober ... happy .the addiction just a part of your past . that can and will be your future beth . i can see your committed enough not to stop trying . i know your life cant be easy . a hubby and kids never is ... then add the problems on top of it ..ughh . but remember .... these are not insurmountable problems . there is nothing you cant overcome that im reading in your posts . are they problems ? heck yeah ! are they problems that cant be solved ..? heck no .
you ask in this post ..." is this a relapse ?"
well im no dr hun ,but i dont think it is . i think the benzo can be addicting yes but i dont think its quite as dangerous as the oxy . so, how bout just concentrating on one addiction at a time . staying away from the oxy should be your main focus .
one more thing i want to say beth before i go . dont let the hectic pace of your life take you away from enjoying ... and i mean reallyyyyyy enjoying every moment you can with your children . dont let yourself miss it . sit and watch them ..really watch them ... take pictures ... watch them as they sleep and try to memorize their faces at whatever age they are at . the days pass and the kids grow all too soon . i dont want you or any mother to miss any of it ! its much too wonderful to miss.
keep writting beth ... your doing wonderful !!
hugs
Suz