After 15 months- done w/this crap

Hello all, it has been good to read some of your stories and I thought I would share and hopefully gain another mechanism to solidify my
sobriety.
I started using pain pills 3-4 years ago and before that occasionally in high school in the late 90's. Back then it was for no other reason than it felt good and I was curious. It never was an issue, and I told myself "this doesn't end well, your an athlete; a leader, so act like it". And I did. I stayed away from everything despite having close friends fall into the traps. I saw too many go down that road, and I would always try to be there for them, offer support, research, whatever I could. The fact that I ended up like i did still astounds me; with first hand knowledge of what users go through, it was beyond any realm of possibility that I would ever touch any substances.
There were a few that recovered and some, well I am not sure. Hopefully they are not still walking down the dark, desolate, cold, cold, road to hell.

I was well adjusted, great family, and still an athlete. I was a power lifter and would compete a few times a year, and did well. While at the gym one day I dropped a 45lb plate on my foot from above my head while taking it off a machine. It broke a couple meta-tarsals in my foot and I ended up off my feet and on pain meds for a month or two. At the same time work pretty much halted, I am a commercial construction manager and things dried up overnight. Now i was on my ass, pain meds, and broke. I self medicated with the meds to numb the anxiety, boredom, depression. After a few months of not truly being dependent yet, the person who I had done business with told me of some opium. It was cheaper and stronger etc. Turns out that in my naivete it was H. I am getting angry just writing this, I would like to see that s.o.b again...-sorry, but I am just letting it flow. When i had figured out that I was smoking heroin, the demonetization was gone- more like self justification in reality. It was good cheap, and i could function.

All I ever did was smoke it with a straw and..........no details needed. Thank god I never IV'd anything, there were times when I almost did but I always knew better. I went down that path for about a year, and became exactly who I loathed. Luckily now that seems a lifetime away- for me anyways. I sought treatment after several failed attempts on my own, and found success with Sub. I have never once thought about going back to that living nightmare. After 15 months of Sub I have decided that enough is enough. I started at 8mg a day and slowly dropped on my own. I was happy with the support that I initially received at the clinic I chose- at first. I utilized the group counseling and one on one. They sufficed for a while, and I slowly awoke again.
I'll get into the dr. gripes later, now I am just looking at all of the shattered pieces that were my life. I don't have any issues with wanting to go "score" again, however, I struggle to deal with the things I did, and those I hurt. How I ended up like this etc. That is my struggle everyday. Looking in the mirror.........

This actually stirred up a lot for me, I need to think for a while.

The suboxone helped rid myself of opiates and i am grateful that there are now medications to help the afflicted win their lives back. With the suboxone, yeah it took away the withdrawals, and allowed me to regain clarity, awareness, and distance from when I was using.

I went from 8mg to 6 mg in about three months, then to 4mgs after another few months, then to two mg, for around 4-5 months, then to one. On my last two strips I just took tiny little pieces about 36hrs apart, and the last piece was on thurs evening. It hasnt been too bad, I am a little run down, grumpy but disposition is improving. Actually just putting some thoughts about myself for others to read has been helpful.

I hated having my body out of whack all the time. I haven't had much energy the whole time I was on Suboxone. It has been a great relief to use the restroom with ease the last few days if ya' know what I'm sayin'.

I pretty much severed all of my old ties, and am not looking to re-aquatint myself to said ties. I do have the support of my family and one good friend who had been through something similar and we always make sure the other is doing ok.

I am looking to life after suboxone, and it makes me happy to know that it has already been three days and that it hasn't been unbearable. What i need is a plan; because "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail". I can't go through that again, not for the pain I would endure, but the pain it would cause others, I could never do that to them again. Don't get me wrong I put myself into a recovery program, it is just that they have been supportive, and it would kill my mother to see me like that again; literally.

Enough is enough, I am looking to find any and all resources to strengthen my resolve and rebuild my life. Any thoughts/advice are greatly appreciated.

I would like to stick around here as I see many that haven't; I find forums to be an invaluable source of information/inspiration. I have kept a fairly extensive journal throughout my experience with suboxone and it has been difficult, confusing, and amusing thumbing through the diaries of a mad man. The progression is clearly evident as time went on my mental acuity began return. Overall I feel that my life has been stagnant on all fronts except that I stopped with opiates. I strive for much more than that, although I am grateful because--- who knows where I would be now.

With all of that said I would like to share more here in the appropriate sections. I haven't been to group counseling in a while, and while it did help, I found that all they wanted to talk about was not using again. That was fine for a few weeks, but I was mentally dealing with issues far beyond using again and I found that group sessions were completely counter-productive for my needs.

I would just sit there and listen to people bs there way through their mandatory sessions and all I could do was sit there and seethe with anger as they were wasting the time of those few, who you could tell, that wanted to regain a normal life.

Apparently I am angry... but I am sure you have seen the type; hell I guess at one point I was that type.

I know that working through things helps and that I need to talk to someone soon. I can put some of these emotions away but I don't know how they will manifest in the future. I will share my thoughts and experiences on my days after suboxone as well as my time on suboxone. I hope you guys don't mind as I find that i have too much to say, but it feels good to let it out.
Thanks for reading and replying, I look forward to working past this part of my life.

Your posts will be most welcome and I wouldn't worry too much about having too much to say.
Sometimes it is best just to let the words go once they get started.

I would love to have some kind of energy and what you said about feeling stagnant hit something with me. For a long time now I've had a feeling of not really wanting to do anything. Maybe that is the wrong way of putting it. I just don't seem to have the interest in the things I used to have.
Some days I feel like I am just going through the motions of doing what needs to be done. Every now and then I do wake up and feel good to the point that I am energized but not very often.
That is what I want back. A crisp feeling of wanting to do something and not just do it because it needs to be done.
Am I making any sense here?
I have to get going, have a counseling appointment this morning and it takes me a lot longer that it used to to get ready.
Have a good day, Beth and Marie should be by at some point to say hi and introduce themselves to you.
Take your time reading the forum, I'm sure there are some interesting things around here to keep you busy for awhile. If you see something that interests you, feel free to comment.
Dee

Hello Grimmred!!

My name is Beth & although we have briefly met through another post, I would like to really get to know you better. I honestly appreciate you sharing what it has been like to go off of the Suboxone altogether. Please don't get me wrong as I believe that the Suboxone has honestly saved my life & has gotten me off of the opiates that I was abusing, but I have now been on it for 3 plus years & am currently working on tapering off of it as well. I am now down to 8mgs from 16mgs previously. I went from 16 to 12 for 2 weeks, then to 8 for 2 weeks & am due to see my doctor on the 15th. I realize that I haven't even hit the hard part yet, but for me, I do get energy from taking my Suboxone & even going down this far has decreased my energy level quite a bit. I have to admit that I am quite nervous about going off of it completely, but it is the choice that I have made & I am certainly going to give it my best efforts!

OOPS!
I didn't mean to send this quite yet. I was trying to stick it into drafts to finish when I am done taking care of some things with my now ill son. I will be back to finish as soon as possible.

Always,
Beth

Wow, cutting back from an initial 16mg dose has got to be hard. Every time I cut my dosage it seemed that it took up to 2 weeks to adjust and feel normal again. It is so hard to maintain the cut dosage when responsibilities and life are so unrelenting. For me every time I was able to cut back, I planned it around long weekends and times when my work load was not so hectic.

I took a long hard look at things the last few weeks, and I saw the same emotionless, mundane person and I felt that I couldn't drag this out any longer. My doc talked of going to 1mg for a month then .5 then .5 every other day. I saw that and thought "Christmas!, I don't think so".

It is such a sticky web we've woven, and there is no easy way out. The propisistion of quitting is daunting, and I wish you the best. What ever you choose to do, do it with conviction, and authority.

Hey Grimmred,

How are you now? How is your treatment going? Thanks for any info you can provide...

Karla