Missing the simple things.

I'm sure you all can relate but by the time I went to my Sub doctor last week I pretty much only left the house for work ( which I wasn't doing much of) and to buy dope. No visiting family or friends in a long time. No going for walks or drives. Nothing.
When I would drive down the road I would look into other vehicles and think " I'll bet he's clean" or " I'll bet she enjoys her life". I wanted to be like them again. The past 2 yrs seem to have been a blur. As if I have been in a fog and missed most all of it.
I missed doing the simple things. Things like getting up on a Sat. morning and having a cup of coffee while making out the weeks bills. Listening to the birds singing outside. Planting flowers and taking care of the flower gardens around my house. Markets in Kinderhook ( Historic and beautiful little town about 30 mins S. of me) and meeting up with my dad and his wife.. Saratoga and going to the horse track. Going to Kays , a little Italian place on a lake near my home, ordering a pie to go. Riding my bike, etc,etc.
I'm not a very big person ( 5'-8" and 163 lbs before heroin) but i am a strong person. I actually felt strong. My job is very physical and keeps me in shape. That was before I stopped doing pretty much everything except doing dope.
When I went to the doctors last Tues. I weighted 132 lbs.. I knew I had lost a lot of weight as I had to put a cpl of new holes in the belt to keep the drawers up.
But today was different. I have felt very good since starting the Subs but today I actually started to feel strong again. I worked Thurs and Fri, 10 hrs each day, and I was very sore from it but it felt good to feel sore as I was using my muscles again.
I made the trip to Kinderhook this morn, after coffee, and met up with my dad. Came home and made some spaghetti sauce and turkey soup. Lit the candles in the living room and bath. The house is starting to smell like home again.

Reading your post put a smile on my face and I recognized some of me in that post as well.
I used to look at people in the grocery store and wish that I could be normal like them. One day there was a woman and she really wasn't doing anything spectacular, she ws in the freezer section and actually just reaching for something.
Back then I had quite taking the time to really do some grocery shopping, there wasn't any money for me to actually shop but I did miss just going to the store with a list and shop for the week.
To me that was the normal that I was missing out on and I wanted to just be like that.

The town that you talked about above sounds really nice. We have a gallery here on the forum if you would like to create an album to share post some pictures of the town. The Gallery button is at the top of the page.


Good for you! Today you took a step towards getting back into what life is all about, as you said, the simple things. When I am able to do things like going to the Farmers Marker or just take a walk in our downtown area I feel good. I feel good about myself and about the way my life has ended up.
I have learned that it is too easy to loose it all. I used to think that homelessness happened to other people. Not any more.
Enjoy the night!

Dee, I am going to try and start an album but I am not very good with technology and need to find my camera along with the cables to download. No guarantees, but i'll try.
Kinderhook is a colonial era town located about 30 mins. south of Albany NY , on the east side of the hudson river. The town itself is is not very big at all but is a destination for locals and visitors alike.



This is picture of an antiques store about 200 ft from the center of town , where they have the market. My dad and his wife are actually very good friends with the owners. I'm sure my dads wife ( julie) is one of Lindas best customers.
The houses on the edges of town resemble this store while the ones in town, which line each side of the main st through town, are more like this, below.



Here's a picture entering Kinderhook from the North.



If you walked out the front door, of the shop in top picture, and went out into the street and took picture facing south, this would be the picture. To the left of the red light is where the vendor set up for market.

Here's a closer look of the area.



Surrounding Kinderhook, you'll find many farms and Apple orchards. The selection of goods at the Market is second to none. During the christmas season the town is just beautiful. My Dad lives in Styvesant, which is about 5 mins south from kinderhook. This is not my dads house ( picture below) but the style and age are the same. Even the colors, minus the red, are the same. The other homes around Kinderhook and Styvesant are like this. My son liked the area so much that he wanted us to move there. I was married at the time and actually thought about it but the property is very, very expensive in that area.



Of course there are newer homes also but the towns try and keep the newer homes in the surrounding areas.
Well, time to get some things done.
Have a great day.
Kevin.

"Good morning, good morning, good morning,
It's time to rise & shine,
Good morning, good morning, good morning,
I HOPE YOUR FEELING FINE!
Good morning, get up, get out of bed.
It's time to get up sleepy head.
The day's going to be JUST FOR YOU,
And all your dreams are coming true...dododo, dododo, DODODO!"
How is everyone doing this morning? I hope very well & that you woke up with a smile on your face & a bounce in your step!
I was reading the posts between Kevin & Dee and the feeling of how you just want to go back to living a "normal life..." It really got me thinking about early recovery. Rewind back to before this disease of addiction had locked its anchor around your ankles to pull you down throughout the depths of hell & TRY to remember the REAL person that you still are deep within your soul! "That person" really is still in there- now is just a matter of re-finding yourself within the abyss & the mess that we have all made while using. It's quite a journey, as we all know by now. Yet, a journey that has made us who we are today! I honestly cannot say that I wish that I had to ever go through that angst again, yet I am still not regretful of the lessons that I have learned throughout the process of my recovery. Of course, I DO still have regrets about things that I have done while using & mainly, the hurt that I've caused the people closest to me. These days that pain has seemed to gradually fade away as my loved ones have watched me change my ways & old habits to move on with my life after active addiction. I have been able to show them (and more importanty, myself!) that there really is life, and a happy one at that, without the use of several Oxycontins every day to "keep me feeling norma!." I really try to not think back on those mistakes that I did make throughout that time period & solely focus on my future actions! In which I now KNOW will NOT, does NOT & will NEVER AGAIN include opiates of any sort! As my brain has begun to heal, it has now equated the use of opiates WILL be the death of me if I were to ever go back! Talk about incentive! I have NO desire to die at my age of drug use! Or die at all yet, but most definately NOT because of a drug habit!
Anyways, for those of you who may possibly remember me, you already know that I have a tendency to ramble, as well as jump topics, so please bear with me.. I truly cannot wait to get to know our new members & hear about your experiences or to pass on any good advice that has helped you throughout your own journey of recovery. Or vice versa- if you have received advice that HAS NOT helped you, we surely would appreciate you sharing that as well. That way when new people join this precious forum in early recovery & are still wondering how to escape from the trap of this addiction, they receive ideas that have worked for those of us here that have already "walked through those very shoes" that we can possibly help to guide them with ways that actually DO WORK! Not one of us has made it through this on our own. When I first joined this forum back in November 2008, a special person told me that "a problem talked about is a problem half solved!" I didn't really want to tell people the very worst things that I have ever done or who I really was at that time, as I still detested myself at that point & surely didn't understand how anyone could possibly relate to how or where I had gotten myself, how very low I had sunken & still possibly care enough for me (without any judgment) to help pull me UP & OUT of where I had been. Yet, that is exactly what happened once I began to open up & be honest. "But for the grace of God, go I..." I ask of anyone who is still currently struggling to "bring it to the table" (so to speak) & allow others who have been where you are to share their success stories of how they made it through what you are currently struggling with & help to guide you past that point. Next time it may be you who can help to "pay it forward" & give back what you have received & learned. It really is a great feeling to know that you may have just said the exact right words that needed to be heard that day to save another person who needed that encouragement & HOPE! (right at that moment!) "Be Inspired & Inspire!" You never know who you may reach that day!?!
I will finally close this up with a warm welcome to Kevin! We are so glad that you have made it thus far & I hope that you will continue to post, as I would certainly like to get to know you better as well. Doesn't it feel wonderful to feel so grateful that you begin to notice the small things in life once again? Just to stop & smell the flowers & feel the warm sunshine on your face. knowing that you will begin to feel "normal" here again soon, but without the need of drugs to get you there??? Kudos to you Kevin & much encouragement sent your way! I look forward to hearing how you are getting along & sincerely hope that you will keep us informed of your feelings throughout your journey of recovery!

Yours throughout the Struggles, (and the good times too!)
Beth

Beth tyvm for your kind words. Dee, I have noticed you mention you live in Vermont. Mind if I ask where?
I actually am not very far from Bennington. Bought my truck in Bennington and have been there many times. I worked a few times in Essex Junction at the IBM plant there. Also have worked in Rutland a cpl times. The first time was long ago and can't really remember the place but the second time was at a place called Rutland Industries behind the Fair Grounds.
Anyway, yeah it's been a tough week. Long story. I'll share at some point as bfye put it best, "a problem talked about is a problem half solved!".

Yeah, isolation. I know it well. Even when I wasn't using, isolation was a big part of my life.
The funny thing is, is that when I start to isolate my using, or used to use, and non-using friends can tell. Granted , there is not many people that know of my addiction at this point but some using and non-using know.
When I do start isolating myself the only people that I hear from or try and get me going is my using friends. When I feel like talking, not about anything in particular, it seems the only ones interested in listening is the ones that use or used to use.
Not that any of this makes much difference to me it's just that most people would tell you to distance yourself from the ones that use. Me? I could not and will not, ever do that. Honestly? These people seem to be the only ones that have ever done anything for me when it comes to getting and staying clean.
Again, it's not that any of this is really that big of a deal but I have been told many, many times, by mostly family, that I need to start changing the people that I surround myself with as they see me being used too often and too easily.
I know they are right. Problem is the ones that they see using me are very close to me and it's just not that easy for me to separate myself from them.
I'll explain more in the near future.

Edited to add: Dee, I find Vermont every bit as beautiful as New York. There was a time,when I was married, that we would go to Manchester quite abit as my ex loved it there. We also went to Hildene a couple times around Christmas and did the tour. Beautiful.