New Friends

Hi Miss Barbara, Dee, Mez, Lisa, everybody!!
We are growing, growing, GROWING group!!
Welcome to all of the new members!
Hope everyone has had a Happy New Years & holidays altogether! I know that things are definately on a better off take to the year than previous years. I can remember all my holiday gatherings (good & bad!) & I didn't make an ass out of myself in front of my family by lying to them, etc. Better days are ahead!! I do feel that I've been getting stronger as more time goes by without using. Imagine that?
In an above post, I'd mentioned about a guy from my past calling me & how I reacted to speaking with him. I cannot believe the hold that this addiction still has on me. But I wanted to let you know that by making it through that day, as well as the next couple (he has continued to call back!) that I feel better about myself than I have in a long time. Thank you all for your continued support on here! Dee, like we were talking about, right now I'm not even accepting his calls. I know that is not a solution, but until I feel like I can deal with him without feeling temptation, if that's ever even possible? I plan on staying away, as that's what has worked for me thus far & staying on my Suboxone. I'm having an issue with my Subs & my doctors office right now though & I'm pretty mad! I'll go into that more later as I need to think on it all for a while before I just go off! I just found out about this as I was writing this post & I need to take a break to get my head cleared..
I'll be back in a while & want to catch up on all the new people & posts!!
Love,
Beth

Beth,
When you feel like letting it go, we will be here. If it has something to do with your doctors office we can talk it out and see what we can come up with.
As for the "friend" not talking to him is the best thing that you can do. Your not avoiding the issue, your taking care of it.
Yours,
Dee

Hi Dee,
Thank you, as usual, I know that you understand how I'm feeling all the way down here in Ohio!! I'm so happy that I've met you & Barbara, as well as others on this forum, as you guys understand me better than most around me. Isn't that crazy? It's also been amazing to me to watch how many people have been continuing to join, everyday! This is great to see & I always want to send thanks to Deborah for making it all possible. I really rely on this forum & the people that I've met here. I look forward to getting onto here throughout the day & catching up..
Okay, well about earlier & my doctors office issues, I'm just trying to take it all in stride as it's going to work out okay, but no thanks to my doctor or her office. Last appointment that I had with my counselor, he was a "no show"- not because he wasn't there apparently, (I learned the next day) but he was still in with a client & there was no one at the front desk to inform me of this. My appointment was at 6:30 & I waited until 7 & tried calling the office from the waiting room before leaving. I don't have enough Subs to make it until my next appt on Thursday, so I started calling her office on Monday to make sure I could get it. I left messages on the "prescription refill line" as well as called the office to verify. The front desk girl is one of the rudest people I've ever come across in an office setting like that. Anyways, she told me it was handled & someone would be there today on the phones, if needed. It was most certainly not handled!! They are closed for the weekend & the woman on their "answering service" told me if I was having an emergency to go to the ER, if not, they open back up on Monday. They closed down after a half day Wed. through the weekend & left me without my Suboxone! I would think that as an addiction specialist, she would be more understanding regarding this situation, but I feel like its all about the money!! Luckily, I've not been taking as many as she's been prescribing lately, therefore, I will be able to get through until Monday morning, thank you God! But as far as she knows, I'm out of them & I can go to the ER if I can't wait until Monday!! I find this to be ridiculous as she should know better than anyone that is not how it works!! Am I expecting too much from her, am I wrong for feeling this way, like she left me out to dry?? I feel really angry towards her & her staff about this situation & how rudely I was treated when I was calling to verify they'd gotten my message off the RX Refill Line & they really hadn't even done anything.. Not too mention that when they call to verify an appt, they certainly make sure that you have the correct amount of cash with you before your seen. I'm just really frustrated at the moment with the whole situation. I'm glad that I'll have enough to get through, at least until Monday & I'm also going to be calling that other doctor for an appt this month that will participate in the Sub Rx Assistance Program, as he's just starting his Sub treatment here in January. This is the dr that I've been calling for months to assure myself a spot in the Rx Assistance with him & he couldn't be starting it at a better time for me!! Hopefully, these will soon be problems of the past!!
It's time for me to get off of here & get things cleaned up some around here!! Thanks for listening. Let me hear how your doing when you get a minute.

Love,
Beth

Beth,
First of all. NO!! You are not expecting too much from your doctor. They should have someone on call at all times in cases of emergency. But just because they should doesn't mean they do as in your case. I hate to say this but there are so many doctors out there who are in it just for the money, and your doctor does sound like she's one of them. And there are also some good doctors out there but not very many. I am very luck to have one of the good ones. Although I will admit that I haven't always felt that way. In the beginning I had to prove myself. After I was going to her for about a month she started to realize that I was serious about my recovery and that what I was telling her was the truth. The system has been abused so many times, that doctors tend to judge people by what the former patients did. It is a shame but a fact in any case.
Please call the new doctor on monday, and take the soonest possible appointment that he has available even if you have subs to last you okay. And when you go in to see him, let him know what happened to you.
Your doctor needs to be reported, if she has done this to you, can you imagine how many other people she has done this too. And those people may not have had the subs to get them by. I know that you were told to go to the ER, but you can't always depend on the ER to give you the meds that you need. Believe me I've been through that when I was switching off of methadone. The ER didn't care and let me know what they thought of me as well.
You have a positive outlook and I admire you for that, I'm not always able to control my emotions as well as you do. But that is something that I am working on.
I'm glad that you have enough subs to get you through, and I will keep you in my prayers that you will be able to get through to the doctor on Monday.
Keep us up to date okay
Yours
Dee

I almost forgot to tell you that you can call the Nurses line at Reckitt Benkiser they are there from 9am to 7pm Monday through Friday. The number is: 1-877-782-6766 They are also closed on holidays.
If you have a problem or need information. Please give them a call.

Beth, you could get this doctor into a lot of trouble. She left you in harms way through no fault of your own. This really makes me mad. Make sure Deborah hears about this. Deborah is very protective of us and she can...well, just make sure she knows. I'm sorry you were put through this. You have evil at your heels. I want you to be very careful. I ask for protection for you. I care very much for you and your recovery. Stay close to us as you are and you'll be okay. My concern is very strong and so are my prayers. Let us know what's happening with you, please. Love, Miss Barbara

Hi Beth, hope your day is going good. Just a note to let you know you are being thought of in kindness and concern. The New Year's holiday has gotten my days turned around. I'm just laying back and catching the wash up. Well, I'm here if you need someone to talk to. your friend, Ms. Barbara

Hi Ms. Barbara,
My days are turned completely around as well!! It almost feels like a Monday to me.. Matt has left again to go work out of town for a few more days & I'm trying to clean up & put away Christmas decorations. Can't you tell? LOL- I'm such a procrastinator! But I need to take a break from those babies & eat a quick turkey sandwich. My oldest daughter, Nadine, is playing with them upstairs for a bit before she leaves for the night with friends. She has an overnight birthday party, slumber party, to go to & they will be going roller skating tomarrow. Of course she will need some money, so she's doing a little babysitting for me this afternoon. She's a good kid & can be a terrific help, when she wants to.. I asked her to simply sit at the table & draw with them or take them for a quick walk and she proceeded to ask me if it was okay if she just went ahead & bathed them for me?? Thank you, my child!! I'm wondering if she's sick.. or how much money does she really need for this upcoming party? Haha. Seriously, though, what a help!! It has been wonderful having her home over Christmas break. Obviously from the perspective of the kids, she's a big help. But we've also had some super "bonding time" together as well & its really been nice to get so close again. I'm very thankful that we still have a good relationship as she's really had to endure some bad times with my using, but today, we're closer than ever!! (as always, my daily gratitude for Subs!) She has a funny little rhyme that she keeps repeating & now has me saying it. "Things will be fine in 2009!" I am counting my blessings girl!
I also have wash that is needing done today as well. I'll be on & off of here throughout the day.. let me hear how you are doing Ms. Barbara & what the plan is with your surgery, etc. in the upcoming week. Is it still scheduled for the 7th? Do they now have your "bloody bloodwork" back?
Talk with you soon my friend!!
Love Ya,
Bethy

Hey Bethy, I've been out pulling weeds away from my night blooming Jasmine my girlfriend gave me. It's making it between the hot and cool weather we had down here. I put it outside my bed room window so I'll be able to smell it this Spring. I love those and I have a White Oleander tree I brought home from a show with two Palm trees on each side. Because of my thyroid medicine, I can't stay in the sun too long or I get dizzy. This is strange being I was raised going to the beach every day when I lived in Panama City and Ft. Lauderdale. Oh, yes, my operation is for the 7th and have to go to my Sub doctor on the 6th. I have to call on Monday to see if they want me to come in for pre-op on the 5th. Thank God for this medicine, cause I'd never make it. I'm glad you are having a good time with your daughter. I wish things had worked out for my daughter. Anyway, you are really blessed to have her love you and all. Honey, I'm all messy from being outside, let me go clean up and rest my back form bending over. I'm real glad you answered me, it means a lot to me. I'll be back after a while. I'm real proud of how strong and grown you have been lately. Thanks for the friendship, Ms. Barbara

Hi Ms. Barbara,
I am popping on here real quick to let you know I just saw your post, but have a few things to take care of before getting a chance to really properly respond. I have my 2 year old, Caroline, climbing all over me & Nadine, is 13 & getting ready to go to that party! She wants help with her hair & make up, oh boy!! She thinks she's eighteen & really does look it. It scares me!! I love doing her hair, but she wants to be all grown up so fast!!
I'm going to go get things taken care of & will be back shortly to check back in. Thanks for your quick response, it means so much to me to have you here!! Talk with you soon girl!!
Yours,
Bethy

Hi Bethy, it must be nice to be close to your daughter and have her want you to do things for her and visa versa. My Mom loves me with all her heart, but growing up, we never hugged very much or showed any kind of loving emotion. I guess part of it was she's English and they aren't much on showing love the way American people do. I grew up with an alcoholic father and my Mom screaming her head off at us six kids. I guess she was afraid of my Dad and she could let it out on us. I remember when we would cross the street, I would reach to hold her hand, as soon as we had crossed, she would pull her hand away. She does the same thing to this day. We'll walk along and I reach for her hand and she's always the first one to pull away. I guess I should be putting this on another topic, but when you talked so lovingly about your daughter, I thought how I wished it had been that way with my Mom. It was hard growing up and go around my girlfriends and their Mother would be nice to me and then go home to my Mom (I was the oldest) and she would start in on me about something, we would argue and my Father would come in drinking. She would then tell him something I'd done or said. I'd end up being gotten up out of bed and given a whipping. We tell each other I love you now, but I'm always the one who says it first. I can't blame my up bringing for my drug use, cause it was me who made the choice, but when I was high, I didn't need anyones' love. I didn't need my hand held. I was in this world of free of pain and caring. I've worked through a lot of the past and knew if I didn't let go of it, I'd never be happy or never get well. I didn't have a lot of nice clothes to wear, but now I can go out and buy a hundred dollar dress if I wanted it, it's not that important anymore. I think after I get my foot fixed, I'm going to feel better about myself. I talked to a girl who did my blood work the other day...she had the same operaton I'm getting and I ask her if she hurt when she walked. She had the biggest smile and said no, she was so much better. This flooded me with relief and I can't wait to get it done and be able to put on my boots or anything but a tennis shoe. I trust my doctor cause he's one of the best. I just know I'm going to have a brand new out look. All my life I've had something wrong with my legs or feet. I've been shot above one knee cap, the other smashed in a car wreck. I've been kicked, beat with a baseball bat, ect. ect. I was a waitress for thirty years and a good one. I've walk the convention floors for the past eleven years. I'm just glad I have a chance I will walk without pain. If I've made you sad, I'm sorry. I'm looking forward to getting better. I know if you put it in your mind, you are going to be healed, then this is half of the battle. Maybe I'll even go buy some new clothes, do something different with my hair and take more time with my make up. I've put out a lot of raw feelings out there...hope you didn't mind me sharing this with you. I'm usually pretty up beat and acceptive of the past. I think this is why I've come so far in being recovered. I believe if you pretend long enough, it will come true. Thanks for letting me be so far out there, it's done me some good to get it out. If I didn't have you and the others to let it out to, I would still carry it around with me. I need to go check on the horses. They give me a lot of love too. Please tell me all about how your daughter's party went. Love, Ms. Barbara

I didn't mean to dump all of this on you last night. I'm feeling much better today. I'm taking my Mom a slice of pumpkin pie and let her have the eggs I find in the hen house. Have a smiley day, Ms. Barbara

Hi Ms. Barbara,
Are you feeling any better today girl? I'm sorry that I didn't get back on here sooner, as last night Matt came back home unexpectantly & I talked to him, then fell asleep! I guess that I really must've needed it because I slept long & hard!! I still don't really feel caught up though, I do feel much better to get any rest at all.. As I've mentioned, these kiddos are just getting over being sick & it seems that their sleep routine is all screwed up, which means so is mine! Matt had left at 4:00am yesterday to go work down south (just in southern Ohio), but when he got there, no one else had shown up as they'd planned.. They are all starting on Monday. So, he stayed & worked throughout the day, then instead of staying & going to their party last night & watching football today, he came back home. I really appreciate that he wanted to be here with us. I know the kiddos sure were happy to see him! Our oldest, Nadine, isn't back from her party yet as they are roller skating today! I talked to her last night & she was having a blast! She's texted me today, but I haven't talked to her yet to know how it all is going while skating.. I do feel very lucky to have a good, secure & loving, as well as affectionate, relationship with her & the babies!
I understand much of what you were talking about with your childhood, to an extent.. My father wasn't as violent of a drinker as what it seems like you endured with yours. I was the oldest of four in the CIA. (LOL! Catholic Irish Alcoholic) Although, my mother wasn't much of a "yeller" as she was much better at laying on the guilt trip. When my Dad would come stumbling in during the middle of the night, my Mom would make sure that I was still up waiting with her to show him the pain & worry that he was causing the family.. Those were difficult times as he refused to change to please her & she stated that she couldn't stay with an alcoholic. (which he thought made perfect sense because who is an alcolholic?) So, she was undecided, going back & forth, about leaving for most of my teen years. To this day they are still together & doing better than ever, actually. I'm glad that they've made it through it together. Her biggest dilema was always that even though he is an alcoholic, he's a wonderful man who adores & takes superb care of her & the family. She knew that even if she left due to the drinking that she wasn't going to find anyone that she loved more or wanted to spend her life with anyone other than him. Those years were just extremely hard on me as when she'd leave, I really didn't know when or really if she'd be returning? The summer that I was 16, she had once again gone to Indiana (where her closest girl friend lives) & taken only my youngest sister. I was at home with a 14 year old sister & 12 year old brother for almost the entire summer break, other than when I was gone out of town playing softball on the weekends. During those times, my Dad was often around to check on them, like I said, on the weekends, though, that was "his time" to really "let loose!" I didn't know how to feel towards either of them for a long time for fear of letting the other down. I wanted to be on both of their sides rather than having to choose between them. It's funny to look at this now & realize that is right when I started getting too close with my softball coach (the dentist) & he'd started giving me the Vicodin & Valiums to help cope with these issues that I was having. And as you said, once I was on those pills, it didn't matter nearly as much that my Mom wasn't home with me to deal with Dad's drunkeness. Not that its their fault in anyway that is how I'd chosen to cope with it as they didn't even know until I was much older. They got much more than they'd bargained for with that conversation, as I told them everything after finding out that I was pregnant in my second year of college. I was living with my high school sweetheart & we were partying it up together! I was very concerned finding out that I was pregnant with Nadine for many reasons, one of the main ones being that I didn't know that I was pregnant (or could even get pregnant due to health reasons from when I was younger) but didn't find out until I was over three months along. I'd remained taking the birth control pill as well as using other drugs & drinking during that time. Luckily, I wasn't yet addicted to the point of not being able to stop after learning that I was indeed pregnant! Yet, I was still extremely scared that the damage was already done & confided in my doctor as well as my parents about this fear. My parents reaction is a whole other chapter that I just can't do today. I'm slowly trying to get my story out, bit by bit, I guess. I really didn't mean to keep going on & on about my past, I read your post & it really got me thinking about things. I really appreciate that you were able to confide in me & vent about what your childhood was like. I don't know what it'd even be like to not have been raised with everyday affection by my parents, everyday that they were there, at least. I don't mean to sound ignorant, but is it common for the English to not be affectionate with their family? Is that how your mother was also raised? Was your father ever affected by that as well? I can imagine that, as a child, you'd very easily take that personally. It seems that now, you just know that is how your mother is, do you still take it personally? Have you ever spoken with her about any of this? I know that you must also be feeling quite apprehensive, as well as excited to get your surgery over & done with. You've had to re-prepare yourself mentally for all of this bloodwork & heart tests, etc. You were ready to go with everything since Christmas Eve & now all of this waiting is only causing you more stress! Know that I am sending strength & prayers your way- you've been on my mind often! I think that it's a great idea that your having to go out & treat yourself to getting yourself pampered up. I'd love to be able to go with you!! We could eat lunch, have a massage, get a haircut, get my nails done, etc. I absolutely love days such as those!! It's been a really wicked long time since I can honestly say that I've gotten to do that. Ms. Barbara, if you can get out & have a day such as that, I'd most definately say, GO FOR IT!! Like I said, I wish I could go along. Isn't it a great feeling in your recovery to know that instead of wasting all that money on pills, that your financially able to do such things? I'm happy & proud for you! These are big accomplishments for us that some people just take for granted. You've worked long & hard to get to be able to do these things today!
Good for you, my friend!!
Okay, Ms. Barbara, I'm closing this out now. (finally) As I said, I do apologize for my non-stop rambling as I guess that just seems to be the way that I am.. I just have so much to tell you about! I'm getting more & more comfortable to be able to start to share parts of my past with you. I really appreciate that your here & that you listen & respond to me. I'm happy to get to know you better & that I've found this friendship!! Hope to hear from you soon, even just let me hear how you are doing today.. if you are feeling any better at all?

Love Ya,
Bethy

Hi Ms. Barbara,
I'm just getting ready to close the computer down for the evening & get these babies in bed!! And Mama!! I just happened to see the above post & was glad to hear from you!! It seems you are in better spirits this evening!! I'm very relieved that your still managing to hang in there with such a positive attitude!! Good for you Ms. Barbara!!
Sleep well tonight & stay warm!!
Love Your Friend,
Bethy

Hello Deborah,
What an incredible woman you are!! I got up this morning, got those babies handled, made my calls & started my laundry, etc. I thought, before the whole day gets away from me, I'm going to check in & read any new posts.. I got my coffee & a smoke, put on my "Enya" cd & sat down to the computer. I started reading & remembered, once again, why it is that I love it here so much!! I really appreciate all of the hard, long hours & dedication that you put into making this forum possible. It's a warm & caring place full of understanding & knowledge about addiction, as well as recovery. You have chosen beautiful people to be the moderators & yes, I have definately felt the same as you about Dee & Ms. Barbara. They are amazing & intelligent women who have also traveled the same path that I am struggling along!! What a great help to be able to talk to someone who has been there & made it out. What an inspiration to others!! Such an inspiration to me!!
As you'd mentioned in your post, I also felt like "defective equipment" for too many years. I didn't know who to talk to about what I was dealing with as I felt that I needed to pretend that the problem didn't really exist. That I should have known better, being in the dental field & that's what I felt like the people closest to me wanted to hear. Which they did want to hear that, but that was not the truth, as we all know now!! There is so much freedom & liberation with the truth. I have always also enjoyed that saying that, "you are only as sick as your deepest secret.." There is much truth in that statement for me. I spent many years trying to pretend like things didn't bother me & all I was doing was creating more situations that did bother me. Not just bothered me, but majorally affected me!! I've spent a decade "running to stand still.." What an utter waste of time!! I refuse to spend another minute like that!! I really do need to start at least a draft of my story, as I feel that I have so much to tell. That's probably obvious to you by reading the excessive amount of posts & the lengths of them, that I just seem to keep on talking away.. I don't even realize it until I start reading back & strangely, just that in itself has helped me, to be able to see my own words & feelings in "black & white." Also, the superb feedback & friendships that I feel I have already attained from these ladies, people, sorry guys!! You know what I mean??
Deborah, again, thank you very much for everything! I'd been wondering about you here recently & had asked Dee if you were doing okay. I'm glad to hear that you got some rest!! (Way to go, Dean!!) I appreciate all of the effort that your putting into this website to keep it going, but please be sure to take the time that you need for yourself to stay well, Deborah. We need you & wish you to be well. Your health is the most important thing, girl. (and that is exactly what you would say to me, right?) I hope that I am not sounding too blunt, I just want you to know that I care about you & want you to be well.
I have to go pick up kids from a walk they went on before realizing that it was way too cold to be out!! I plan on checking back soon as I want to hear how Korbeshkie & his wife make out with their doctors appointments.. Thank you for everything Deborah. Talk with you soon!!

Yours,
Beth