New Member

Hello my name is Deanna, I am a recovering opiate addict. I am 29 years old with a four year old son. I have been on Suboxone for 16 months. I have finally found what I have been looking for when i stumbled onto this forum. I don't know a single person that is on suboxone so I have been dealing with this for some time alone.

Hello Deanna,
How are you doing? My name is Beth & I received your email & wanted to let you know where your post was. I did come over to the forum after receiving your message & it is posted under "New Member" as well as with a response from Dee, telling you a little about the forum.
I am very glad that you did stumble upon this forum as it has worked wonders for me. I have actually met my very best friends there, who understand addiction & recovery. I am glad that the Suboxone has worked so well for you. It did for me as well. I am a recovering opiate addict as well, obviously, and the Oxycontins were my devil! But since starting the Suboxone May 5th, 2008, I have been freed from that addiction. Thank you God & this miracle medication! It has saved my life as well as my family. I have a "husband" (if common law still exists & before God, but not by legal standards yet) & we have three children. We have a 14 year old daughter, a 3 year old daughter & a 2 year old son. I understand how hard it is to work your recovery with toddlers who need all of your attention, but it is crucial for me to keep it a top priority because when I get too far away from it, it rears its ugly had & somehow makes sense to justify using. The Suboxone saved me from that because I can function, without being sick & without those awful cravings calling my name every second of every day! Does that make sense the way that I worded it? If I had not found this medication, I really could not tell you where I would be today or if I would even be here, possibly six feet under. What about my children & husband & parents & siblings & friends? Back then, those thoughts didn't even cross my mind when I felt dope sick, I would rather be dead than to live like that another day for the rest of my life. Now, I wonder how I could have even thought these thoughts & not appreciate the wonderful blessings all around me. I am so grateful! But I will be feeling this way & start feeling like I am finally doing well & have it controlled, which I have not relapsed, but when I get too far away from others just like me, I start to lose my necessary spirituality to keep up the fight! That has been going on for me within just the past few weeks, so I have changed things up a bit for myself & started getting involved in more activities. There is a group for Mothers of Preschoolers called "MOPS" & if you go onto that website, you can find a local group in your area, which has a nursery, and where you can meet other mothers in your situation or close to it. Where are you located? It is not based on recovery, but I figure that it will be a good way to try to meet friends that do not use. As well as joining a Bible Study, which I have never done anything like this before & don't yet know what to think, as my first meeting will be Wed. night. They also have a nursery there & my Mom has been going & taking my 14 year old daughter for well over a year & they both love it! The teens are in a different group than the adults, so the topics are based on everyday living in your own age group. I have also begun to go to some meetings again. I sort of got turned off by going because when I spoke of being on Suboxone, they did not consider me to be in recovery! It has kept me away for quite awhile, but as I said, my spirituality has been lacking, at best, in these recent weeks. I have gone to 3 in 3 days now & am beginning to feel the "inspiration" to go on & regaining my sense of where I am in my recovery. As you had mentioned in your post, I don't know anyone else on Suboxone other than the members of the forum & this time when I go to the meetings, I do not plan on bringing up my Suboxone. I completely believe that being on the Suboxone is being in recovery. A diabetic takes insulin for their disease to keep it in remission, what is the difference of taking Suboxone to keep my disease of addiction in recovery? The way that I see it is that it is completely the same, as do the other members of the forum & my own addiction counselor that I see on a weekly basis. My addiction will never be gone, but at least it CAN BE controlled! God bless those that can go off of their drug of choice without needing a maintenance medication, but I am not one of them. I had tried to quit a million times in a million different ways. I have been in legal trouble, financial struggles, family problems & that still didn't stop me from going back. It was when I hit that point of rather being dead than go on another day living like I was that I finally WANTED the help that I had tried to seek for so many years prior. I cannot say that it has been easy, we still have to put in the work, but the Suboxone has made it possible for me to do so! As I am sure that you already know by being on them for over 16 months now. Way to go!!! Only another who has walked in your shoes can understand the strength that it took you to get you to where you are today! As I said, I am so glad that you have found this forum & decided to become a member because there are soo many great people here who understand what we still go through on a daily basis throughout recovery & can let you know what has or has not worked for them, as well as the other way around! Everyday you can get a fresh perspective on an issue that you are working through & what a comfort that is to have!
Deanna, again, welcome to "The Light at the End of the Tunnel" or what I consider my second home! I really look forward to getting to know you better & also wanted to point out to you that I am very proud of you for getting ahold of your addiction at such a young age because you now still have so much bright future ahead of you, as well as for your young son! I am almost thankful that my disease progressed so quickly because it got me into treatment faster & was already in recovery by the age of 32. I realize that I am no young pup, but sure am grateful to not have wasted another year in active addiction. I don't believe that I would have even made it another year at the rate that I was going & the depression that it was putting me into!! I know that I didn't want to, therefore my only option was to die premature as an addict or to get going into my recovery! I didn't want my tombstone to read that she died because she wouldn't fix her addiction! (maybe not in those words, but you know what I mean?!?!) Well, Deanna, now that I have talked or rather typed your ear off, I will close this up for now & truly look forward to hearing from you again soon!
Love Your Friend in Recovery,
Beth

Hello Dee, Beth and Cathy very nice to meet all of you! I'm not sure if I am posting correctly or not. Ive tried replying a couple times but I'm not seeing the posts on the forum. Not sure if they have to be viewed by someone before they get posted. So I will start over I have never spoken of my addiction to anyone except for my doctor. Different circumstances prevent me from letting anyone, family or friends from knowing. So let me start by answering some questions. I have been sober since September 11, 2008. From that day, til now I have been on suboxone, I am currently on 4 mgs. My doctor lowered my dose from 6mg to 4mg two months ago ( we see eachother every two months now) . The dose change has been rough, I have had anxiety for most of my life and the dosage change does not help with my anxiety at all. it seems like this dose change has been the worst for me. My doctor is ..ok, he's the kind of guy that makes me feel like this is all a breeze, like it isn't a daily struggle. His staff is wonderful! I have not had any counseling, it has been suggested to me a few times but I just can't seem to get my foot in the door. I have not attended any meetings, the only meetings I have attended where the ones in rehab. Did not have a good experience them. I felt like if you weren't an alcoholic then you shouldn't be there. Don't get me wrong I know alcoholism is a disease also..I was on the recieving end of an abusive alcoholic father. It's just didn't feel welcomed in the meetings. I have been on the road to recovery due to suboxone...without it I would not be sitting here replying to my new friends!!!

Dee, Beth and Cathy thank you ladies for making things go smoothly for me on the forum. All of you are very kind. I'm learning something new on and about the forum everyday! Dee it was not my choice to lower me dose on my suboxone, it was my doctors. When I first started taking suboxone I was dead aginst being on it forever. I relied on pills for so long, I felt like why take away one thing just to add another. Then I thought to myself if I have to be on an antidepressant for the rest of my life then whats the difference with taking one more med. I started suboxone 16 months ago and it has worked wonderful for me.

I feel ashamed/embarassed to go into his office and tell him that going down to 4 mgs has been rough. I don't know if it is just me knowing in my head that I am at a lower dose. Im aggitated, irritated, nervous and I've had a headache that won't stay gone!! Is he gonna think Im a sissy, that its all in my head. I don't no..I will stop rambling on about that lol.

I've got a question for anyone that wants to answer. How did your addiction start? Did it start from a surgery or injury? Recreational use? Mine dark journey of addiction started from a surgery. I had a laparotomy done, the dr sent me home with oxycodone. I took it as prescribed, when the bottle was gone that was it. Then I got pregnant and had to have a c-section, the dr sent me home with demeral and oxycodone. Let the journey begin... I loved that feeling after taking them. I looked for that feeling..not the feeling of being high, that feeling like no one can touch you, no one can hurt you. I loved who it made me become. I was able to come out of this shell that I have lived in for most of my life! I didn't care how anyone treated me, NO ONE was hurting me!! I didn't care that my husband and his family treated me like crap. I was able to let go of the past and forget everyone that hurt me along the way. For once in my life I felt like I was at peace with myself and others. That's what kept me going, that's why my addiction had more power of me than I had over it!! My addiction was just putting a temporary band-aid on my life. Well that band-aid is gone, and the wounds never healed. They are still here in my life everyday...but I don't have to run back to the opiate band-aid...THANKS TO SUBOXONE!!!!!

I just wanted to stop in and say hello and see how everyone is doing.. Up here where I am at, we are having like a mini ice storm. Driving oughta be very interesting I am headed to the doctors today at 2. Im kinda nervous.. I have to tell him my dose change has not worked very well for me. So we will see how that goes. I hope you all are having a wonderful day

Good luck Deanna
We will be with you. Let us know how it goes.
Dee

Well I went to the doctors and he is keeping me at 4 mgs. I told him how the dose change was rough for me, but I think he just wants me to try and get through it or something. My last dose change which was from 8mg to 6 mg wasn't that difficult for me. But for some reason this one has been. So I didn't get very far telling him what was going on. Hopefully soon things will change and it'll get easier.
How is everyone doing?