My name is Kim..
My story like all the others plays out like a tragedy with a happy ending as long as I stay in my own recovery .I knew back in Feb of this year how bad thing were going to get with my addiction to pain meds.I remember laying on the couch on a Sat. after about 16 hrs without any pain pills telling Jaime that I was hooked on Vicodan. She suggested that I lay around on the couch and kick the habit I said okay I would try..Well by the end of the weekend I had turned in to real BUTT HEAD.Needless to say I was back on the Vics by Mon.. By the end of the week I had eaten all that I could get my hands on just to stay well!! Then I stole one of my girlfriends scripts had it filled and took the meds she went into the pharmacy found out that it was me who had it filled I had told her I had no idea who would do that which was a lie as she found out .She was embarrassed and humiliated having to tell them she knew the person that had done it .The pharmacy could have pressed charges against me for using some else script Thank god they didn't I could have lost everything I didn't give a damn tho .. Yet when she came home and confronted me about it she said everything would be alright if I just cut back and took my meds as I was supposed to (YA RIGHT WHAT A JOKE ).
So for awhile she started handing them out to like I was kid thinking that would help me and save me from myself ..I played that game I had other places to get my pills from to keep my addiction going full blown..That cost money tho so I started nickel and dimming our bank account each and every week little bit here and little bit there .Of course having other buddies that liked the pain meds I would sell some making money to help keep me well. Since I ran the bank accounts she never knew . Then as things got worse I started pawning things here in the house making sure they were back so she didn't notice them gone .Also having bank accounts at 2 different banks helped a lot I could rob Peter to pay Paul as the saying goes the deeper I got the more ashamed I became she never saw that part of me our home life was falling down around me . Me trying to stay well trying keep the home fires burning hearing from her things will get better and us drifting farther apart what a downward spiral no end in sight so I keep taking the pain meds to help kill the pain I knew I was allergic to emotional pain I think that all addicts are ..The bank accounts were screaming for money I needed more pain meds so I took and pawned Jaime's wedding rings that were given to her by her Mom.. In my messed up thinking when push came to shove I could get them back at any time .I did a couple of times ... One time was when My son graduated High school she was going and was going wear them wow did I hit the panic button did what need ed to be done and they were home again for short while I beat the 2 checks that were rubber to the bank on Monday even with some extra cash for a few more pills
My luck ran out one night after dinner she went in and brought out the empty boxes that had held the rings at one time the look in her eyes I never want see again the anger and rage was unforgettable ..I lied telling her I had no idea who had stolen them or where they were after about an hour I finally fessed up told her where they were and what had happened ..I felt like million pounds had been lifted off my shoulders everything was now out in the open I didn't have to carry that burden with me any longer wondering when she would find out or how I would get them back with out her knowing ..I started my recovery I had checked on Suboxone did recherche on it found out all I could I had either two ways to go find a steady supply of pain meds that would keep me well and wouldn't break the bank or try something new .I chose the path of recovery and Suboxone I am a functional addict that as long as I'm well I can function in life (like House on TV) and others in the world around us .
To people out there don't understand what its like to be dope sick they will never understand what I have gone threw and other addicts hooked on opiates feel when there out IT IS PURE HELL !! I found this forum talked to Dean a couple of times prior to me starting on Suboxone ..I just didn't want to be dope sick .. I did as I was told waited the 24 hrs. and took my first dose of Suboxone and waited and waited didn't go sleep the first night wondering when the cravings would set in and me being dope sick again they never did and to this day no cravings .Jaime had foot surgery back in mid Oct . they gave her my favorites OPIATES.. I was able to fill her scripts have them in the house and not even think about taking any ..WOW what a change for me ..I would have been figuring out how to get as many as I could ..The Dr. was right kicking the pill habit would be easy maybe I'm a lucky one in my recovery that I don't have that issue over my head..I have some issues that are very real now days trust being at the top of the list rebuilding that ..In my eyes once the pills were gone I was cured of my problems of telling the truth There are different people living inside me as I think most of us here will agree too.. The ones that we have hurt have learn to trust us again sure that takes time they have a right to be angry but not to hold us hostage to our past we can go back and undo what has been done or said ..
This Thanksgiving I have a lot to be thankful for ME getting clean family that supports me as in this forum..A Girlfriend that's still with me, my health home and friends ..I know that there will be good days bad days sad days and happy days ..Those days will be better than any day that I was using....!!!!!!!!!!!!
What I have to say is that my guardian angel that has looked over me for years has given me this chance to help others and to keep the things that I should have lost and KEPT ME OUTTA JAIL due to this disease.. Since taking my last pill I say my prayers to keep me strong I work my recovery everyday .I talk about my feeling work on my issues even if they hurt..Yes some days my tuide can be nasty but there are no pills covering that tuide ..Life takes work so does recovery and today I'm doing both
Thanks for this forum and the people that have walked the many miles in my shoes..
Kimbo
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