Laura, our guest

Hi Barbara,

I'm so sorry I had disappeared for a few months. I have since registered and made a few posts. It's not my intention to make people worry and I'm sorry if I made you worry.

You know, it's been such a rough road, using and in recovery. There have been so many days in recovery where I have almost relapsed. There have been days where it has crossed over in my mind that I was going to relapse. That has happened four times. Every time in the past (prior to this recovery) when that has happened, I have relapsed and nobody was going to stop me or change my mind. I had been craving crack really bad and that was what I wanted to relapse on. Knowing I could not get high on heroin because of the Suboxone when I "came down" from the crack made me not do it. Coming down from crack is one of the worst feelings in the world for me and I would mask those feelings by doing heroin. So, on those four days when I was ready to just go relapse, I reached out instead. I picked up the phone and told on myself. Once, when that happened, I was about an hour from home and I said to myself- just drive home, your safe at home, just drive home and that is what I did. Some days, I give my roommate my ATM card before I go out so even if I do have a craving, I don't have any access to money so I can't relapse. It takes relapsing out of the equation (as well as the mental war) for a little while. A few times when I wasn't too sure of myself, I gave my roommate all copies of my car keys and said don't let me go anywhere today. Those were the hard days. I'm glad all of the days in recovery have not been like that.

As time has passed and those cravings come, I can deal with them easier. They are easier to just dismiss and force myself to think about something else. And here I am, still on Suboxone, still clean and sober.

So thank you for caring. Thank you for you message. I'll be logging on a lot and posting messages.

Sincerely,

Laura

Hi Dee,

Thank you for your response. There were so many different "phases" in my life-I would be flat out addicted to crack and cared about nothing else for a period of time, I would be okay balancing work, alcohol and marijuana for a few years, I would be flat out addicted to heroin and not touch crack for years, some periods it was the benzos and alcohol, etc.

In the end, it was everything combined. When I went out, I wasn't coming back unless I had both crack and heroin, and I'd always have alcohol and pills, etc. After about six months of that, nothing I did made me feel high at all anymore. I couldn't stop doing all of the drugs, but I didn't get high at all (or didn't feel high at least).

I take the Suboxone for the heroin. I'm kind of on my own with the crack. About a decade ago was when I really had a problem with crack for a few years. Then I completely stopped the crack and started doing heroin. I wish so bad that in the last year of my active addiction, I had never picked up that crack pipe again. I got so hooked on it. The cravings for crack now, can be very powerful and come out of nowhere.

So the Suboxone has really saved me from going back out. It seems like so many factors are in place and if any one of them was not there, I would not be clean and sober. If I wasn't on the Suboxone, if I was living alone and had all that time by myself I would have gone back out long ago, etc.

The Suboxone takes care of the heroin cravings but the crack cravings are overwhelming sometimes. All of the hours I've spent in my head, going back and forth- do it, no Laura look at how far you've come, no do it, and on and on.

One thing I do remember from the past though, was after about four or five years of not touching crack after a nasty crack addiction I didn't even think about it at all. Maybe that was because I was so entrenched with the other drugs, maybe it was because so much time had gone by, it just didn't come to mind. It seems like the cravings for crack are not as strong anymore, especially when I think about the level and intensity of the crack cravings that first month back in recovery and compare that to the cravings I get now, 14 months later. They are definitely getting less frequent and less intense and I'm really grateful for that. I'm still really careful though. Cities are my downfall. If I'm driving alone on the highway and go through a city, I have very easily and impulsively veered right, gotten off an exit, found crack and got high before I even knew what hit me.

So, for the first year, I wouldn't go into or drive past cities by myself at all. I moved to VT when I came into recovery (relapsed once after 100 days, then came back and got on Suboxone). So I'm so glad I don't know where to get drugs up here (that's been another factor in me being able to stay clean). I'm in southern VT. I just started making a couple of trips to visit (clean) friends in CT, but I only do it when I'm feeling strong. I was suppose to down yesterday but I woke up and wasn't feeling to sure of myself so I said forget it. Not today. Some other time.

I've just had enough, ya know? In this recovery, I have worked so hard to build up my life and I'm doing a pretty good job. I'm so busy with my classes and I don't want to lose everything again and I'm not going to kid myself, I WILL lose everything if I go back out and I don't know if I would come back into recovery. I don't want to risk it. Sometimes the cravings are so bad I cry. So what, I let myself cry. I usually feel better afterwords and the craving is usually gone or is not as strong by then. Okay, I'm rambling now.

Thank you again and have a good night!!!

Talk to you soon.

Laura

Laura,
Don't ever worry about rambling on here. It helps to get it all out. The more you talk it out the better off you will be.
Sometimes when I get on here, I start out with one thing and finish with another.
I am in Central Vermont (I think) or at least that's what I am told.
Everything is so fresh and clean, just as it should be. When I first moved back here, I stayed in all of the time. This is where I left to get myself straightened out. I was afraid that I would run into someone and start back up. That was three years ago. I do run into people from time to time, but they know that I am in recovery now and don't acknowledge me when I walk by, which is fine with me.
I haven't made many friends this time around. But I do have my family. And I have the members of this forum. I have come to rely on coming here when I need to get away.
I am glad that you will be staying with us.
If you ever need us, let us know and we will do what ever it is we can to help.
Yours In Recovery,
Dee

www.suboxoneassistedtreatment.org
www.medicalassistedtreatment.org

Thank you both so much for your comments. They really mean a lot to me.

I have to go but, I'll be back on tomorrow.

Take care.

Laura

You're most welcomed. I was on my way to bed and ran across Your last post. I'll be working maybe through the weekend, but I wanted you to know I'm pulling for you. I know from experience, the more distance you put between you and the bad things from the past, the stronger you will be and feel differently about a lot of things.

As I go, I wish the best for you. It will get better. I promise.

Night for now,
Barbara

Hi Laura,

I've only have a few minutes cause a friend is picking me up to go to the store. My car is down and my mechanic is about three hours late. I'll answer you on the casual talk section later today. Love you and take care.

Yours in the struggle,
Barbara

Hi Laura,
I've not had the opportunity of meeting you yet. I believe that you must've joined while I was gone for a little while having my medicated breakdown. My doctor kept trying out new medications that were making me CRAZY! (or crazier, however you choose to look at it!) I'm so happy that you have found this precious, priceless forum. This site has helped me turn my desire for recovery into reality. So my arms are open to you & welcome "home!" I hope that you can get as much out of this forum as I have, if not more. I enjoyed your honesty & reading your above post. Also, I see that we are closer in age, as I'd thought that you were much younger. I don't know why I had made that assumption, but thank God that your getting control of your demons before your sitting there one day, wondering where your life had gone...?
My name is Beth & I have been on Suboxone since May 5th of last year. I tell anyone who'll listen that this is a miracle drug! It has saved my life, as well as so many others. It sounds as if it's helping you quite a bit too! (with the opiate part of it anyways) I don't know much about crack addiction, I understand addiction, but don't know the feelings that you are going through due to crack. Like for the opiates, I rarely have cravings nor withdrawl feelings, due to the Suboxone, of course. Yet, that has also come with time. It hasn't always been that way, especially at the beginning. It was mainly the mental part of not knowing what to do with myself, as I was in such a pattern that it needed to be broken. Now, I've created new routines & the Suboxone keeps the symptoms under control- my cravings are few and far between, finally! Thank you God! But I'm not so sure if there are even medications available to curb the crack cravings. You probably know & hopefully there is something out there to help you through it. I can see how seriously you are taking your recovery & recognizing your triggers as to avoid the devil's temptation.. I could really relate to the avoiding the city as a trigger as well, as that's where I also had to travel to "hook up!" I try to stay as far away as possible now. My hubby, who is very supportive & helping me through my recovery, has some "rules" that he expects me to follow. For my own good- don't think for a minute that I am complaining about these "rules" as I obviously needed some boundaries to help to keep me in line. (as well as alive & out of jail!) But I am not allowed to travel to Akron alone. (I live in Ohio) Not without him or my Mom only. Not with friends or anything. I know of exactly where I need to go to in Akron to get what I shouldn't be going to get! And these rules are closely monitored- checking fuel levels & the mileage on my van, etc. Also, I am not supposed to be driving right now due to a license suspension & could end up in jail if I don't get my license valid. (like ASAP! as in yesterday!) Sorry, going on with a whole other topic, but that is also one of my biggest triggers is being around the areas that I used to go to every day to get my pills! Change is hard on me anyways, but much less, when I felt like I didn't have a choice & had to go get more to avoid being sick. ("dope sick"- "just shoot me NOW sick!") A place that I never want to be again!! Nor do I have to ever be there again, as long as I stick to my rules!
I'd love to hear more about you & how your getting along these days. (today?) My blessings do go out to you & "Hang On!" Have you ever heard the Lifehouse song "I'm Holding On?" It's #5 on the cd or if you can download it from LimeWire or somewhere. Also, another good one is "Third Eye Blind" has a great song called "The God of Wine" that has some excellent lyrics as well. And one more for you (I know that I go on & on & on...sorry) But the cd called "Paint the Sky with Stars" by the artist "Enya" is playing in the background everytime that I post on here. It is very relaxing & motivating!! Music definately helps to soothe my soul...
Okay, Laura, I'm going to close this up finally, but wanted to let you know that you have a friend in Ohio who is pulling for you~~ please keep in touch!
Your Friend in Recovery,
B