New to the site....19 months and going!!

Hey to everyone, I am looking for a website that is not going to judge me by the things that I am doing. I am looking for a place to vent and release if I need to, be a shoulder for someone to lean on, as well as lean on someone if I can. I am a open and honest person, I do have alot of inner struggles that I deal with on a daily basis. I was hooked on pills for about six years, real strong for about three years and started Suboxone treatment in July of 2011. I had a relapse, well my husband doesnt call it one because I couldnt afford the medicine or the visit so I had to go to my PCP for other means. I told my PCP to give me something to help me come off Suboxone, because I figured I couldnt afford it I had to do something. That was the worst two weeks of my life, the first two weeks of that month was fine. The last two weeks I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I might never be able to give a child to my second husband who I will grow old with and die with. We have been together ten years, he has been beside of me through all of this and I have been through alot of things with him as well. The death of his mother, his depression, him loosing his childhood things, everything that has happened to him since we have been together. The death of his mother was extremely hard on him, they were very close. She died of liver faiure in 2008. She just fell asleep and didnt wake up, it was peaceful but it was so hard for him because it was the day after his birthday. My story is basically a molested child of ten years from a stepfather, a father who I was never good enough for, a mother who thinks my addiction is for attention, but the best husband that any woman could ask for. I just wish that I could give him the best present of life, a child. I have been judged for wanting to get pregnant over the past four years, from different people that really had no business judging me.

I wish that it doesnt happen here as well. We are financially stable now, and I am doing good in recovery now. I am not ready to come off Suboxone just yet, I am actually trying to find a doctor that will write Subutex so we are able to afford more things in life. I feel so guilty that I take his paycheck for my medication, even though he looked at me and said, Hunny the reason that I made sure not to let this job slip through my hands was to make sure that you are not sick and getting to the doctor with no worries.
I just burst into tears, he is the best man that I have ever known. He was raised primarily around women, so he knows how to treat a woman right. I am his queen, he is my king.
He unlike me has no problem with pills. I have seen him take a month's supply of Lortab like he is supposed to and NEVER have one withdrawal symptom from them. The worst that he said he has ever took which was my drug of choice on the beginning was Tramadol. That is what I got started taking because my mother had them stockpiled where she didnt take them and I told her that I was in so much pain that I needed somthing.
It snowballed from there, going from driving 60 miles one way to buy 30 dollars worth of Lortab or Percocet's because that is all the money that we had to get us to his next paycheck. He didnt realize that I was addicted, I hid it well. He never knew that I wasnt hurting as much as I said that I was. I used to fake falls, so I would hurt myself and get to run to the ER. Its shameful that I say this now because I feel so terrible for doing it, there was times that I actually did hurt myself not on purpose, I never had a ER doctor NOT give me my drugs.
I dont know how I got lucky at that time, I wish that they had all turned me down now that I look back on it. There was one ER doctor that did ask me if I was addicted to pain pills but gave me a script for ten days worth of Lortab anyways. There was an accident where I picked up a three year old who was a little hefty, didnt notice at first that I hurt myself bad. I walked home because I live across the road from my mother, two hours later I was screaming in pain.

I was actually on Lortab at the time through my PCP, but at that time the ER's were allowed to write no matter what you were actually on at home. Here in KY, now they arent allowed to do this unless its a chronic condition.
I have snuck off to ER's to get drugs and told my husband that I was going to take care of bills or whatever. I actually had him call me while I was being seen in the ER, and told him that I was setting at the electric company or wherever I could think of to lie about.

Before I was in active addiction, I wouldnt even take a Tylenol. It took one accident to change that. It also took 18 years of problems with parents, the first husband being abusive, his family taking my kids over, they had me snowed to the point that I thought it was ok for my kids to stay with his mother all the time. I cant change that now, but if I could I would in a heartbeat.

Now, years after everything has happened and everything is said and done I do still deal with alot of emotional troubles. Its just the after burn of my first husband, his family, and my family. My father wont speak to me because I am getting clean, he said that if I had a job my lazy ass wouldnt have become a junkie. i worked, and I would work with my husband if they would hire me. They said I didnt have enough work history. I told them that I was a recovering addict, I think that is why they didnt hire me. I told them that I would need to go to doctor appointments but I was fine, it wasnt five minutes after that she told me that it was due to no work history.I am trying to get hired on there now even though that happened.
The only thing in my life that feels missing or empty is there is no child between me and him. I know that would make our life whole and complete. He says that if it happens, wonderful but if it doesnt not to get bent out of shape because it didnt happen for a reason.

All in all, my life and my husbands life are where we have been wanting our lives to be for a long time now. We are happy, we are able to have fun if we want to. We normally just sit at home, talk to each other, play online games together, watch movies and love each other. i think that is where alot of couples go wrong is they stop talking to each other. We have NEVER stopped talking to each other since we have been together, I just hid alot for awhile. I still talked to him, but it wasnt about what was going on.
I am 34 years old, live in Kentucky. I am a bubbly person, I have pink hair (its therapeutic) and I am the wrangler of three dogs and three cats and my husband. I am the bill payer, the house cleaner, the laundry doer, and as strong as a brick wall. Thanks for reading, hope I can be there for you guys.

Hello Pittbullmomma,
I have already responded to your other post on the forum but wanted to welcome you here as well. So, WELCOME!
I want to congratulate you on your recovery. Being in recovery is never an easy road to travel but you have made it this far and I am sure you will continue to move on.
If there is ever anytime that you need to talk or vent please feel free to do so. Just make sure that there isn't a lot of bad language in those posts. As hard as it is sometimes to not swear I have to ask you not to. I admit I do swear sometimes and often I can get quite dicey in what I say, who doesn't.

With that being said, you are more than welcome here on this forum.
Your husband sounds like a great source of support for you and I am glad that you have him by your side. Do you also go to any type of counseling or groups to help you deal with what has happened to you in the past? I know the memories must be painful but it would help if you had someone in your community to talk to as well.

Have you thought about going to the Voc-Rehab in your area to see if you would qualify for services? It might be worth a shot. Then you would be able to get services such as job training, schooling and sometimes even job placement. Think about it, is there anything that you have always wanted to do in the workforce?
I have the link to the Voc-Rehab so you can check it out. http://ovr.ky.gov/ What have ya got to loose?

Every woman that I know wants to be able to give her husband a child but sometimes that isn't possible. My other half and I have been together for 12 years. I am 54 and he is 40. I have six children all grown adults in different states except for my son who lives with us. He doesn't have any children of his own. As much as he probably would have loved being able to have a child together he knows it is not possible and he is okay with it. We have each other.
I am sure that your husband understands. He loves you for who you are and not what you can or cannot give to him. He knows you love him and probably wouldn't change a thing about you.
Please don't beat yourself up that you can't give him a baby. It's hard I know. I've been there.
I am going to wrap this up for now, my internet is starting to fizzle out on me so I know it is only a matter of time before I loose my connection and I want to get this posted. Take care~

Hello Pitbullmomma and welcome to your forum !

I'm sorry I didnt answer your post sooner, I have been out of town.
I'm Blue and i'm the forums moderator.

Your story could belong to any one of our members.
We have all been where you are !
I hid my addiction very well from my husband for years and I am not proud of it.

Please join us for chat on Tuesday or Thursday at 7:30 EST.
It's a good chance to get to know some other members and to talk through issues
you might be having.

Hello!
My name is Jasmine. I have been on the forum for some months now. I see you have met Dee and Blue. Both lovely and caring woman! I can say that I am lucky to know them!

Welcome to our little forum family. It's a great place to share experiences and talk about your problems without being judged. and I'm glad that you are here!

Sorry I didn't reply more quickly. My 3 year old son Cooper was very sick and stayed at the hospital over night. But I'm here now!

Have a blessed day! Take care!