The Journey of Addiction

Subject: The Journey of Addiction Wed 07 Oct 2009, 8:59 am

Hello to everyone- Good Morning!
I woke up with emotions spilling out all over the place. I wanted to bring up a "story" I guess is the word, but it's not directly Suboxone related. It is really much more addiction related. Has anyone ever really sat down & thought about all of the people that we have come across throughout our journey of addiction? The good, the bad & the ugly. As many of you already know, I worked in a dental office for around ten years & while working there, I was also moonlighting & working as a bartender for a local hometown bar. Please remember that I was a single mother at this point & had to be able to cover my bills, as I never received any type of child support. Plus, that was in my very early twenties & being a single mother, I never had any time to go "out" as normal people my age were going to bars every weekend, etc. So, in a way, that was also my way of "getting out" & getting to be part of the bar scene that I thought I was missing out on something. I learned that I wasn't really missing much of anything at all. Many drunken idiots spilling beer down the front of me or spilling ashes & burning my clothes without even realizing it. It was impossible for ME to work there while I was sober. Not only was I on the pills already, but I made sure to get a good alcohol buzz on throughout my shifts as well. I worked with another girl there who is my age & had a daughter close to my daughters' age. We got to be very close friends. We were the managers & could pretty much run things the way that we wanted. We made our schedules together & wouldn't schedule anyone else for those shifts. We were greedy & wanted to make as much moolah as possible, as we could handle the crowds & we loved it. We were having fun while working and man after man tipped us very well. We ended up doing bachelors parties there. (fully clothed) We also did golf trips as the "Beer Girls" & at that point in my life is when I was making the most money I had ever made in my life. Even up until today... I have never made anything even comparably close to what I was earning back then. Yet, I was working 2 jobs, one full time at the dental office & then at the bar. I was young, dumb & full of piss & vinegar! I could never keep up with what I did back then if I had to do it again now. Never. I was a "hustler"- a hustler with two different meanings. The first meaning was just that, I hustled my little tush off running around there short handed with my best friend of the moment at the bar & also working for the dentist. The second meaning was worse. I could hustle a man very well, without having to sleep with him or anything of the likes. It's easier to make money off of a man who thinks that he might have the chance of taking you home, so you become a big time flirt & whoever is tipping the highest is who you pay the closest attention to throughout the night. You'd be amazed at how much money a man will spend to think that he has a chance with you that night. Yet, I never left with anyone other than Matt. I was playing the "game" but not ever following through with any of those men. I actually am smarter than that & never left with anyone ever from a bar that I didn't even know the guy other than him being a "regular" at the bar. I didn't "know" these men, not to mention that they were drunk, so they were bolder than usual by that point as well. Not my style to sleep around, not that I don't have my regrets, but I have never had a "one night stand" so to speak. I certainly am going off the track of where I wanted this post to be about. Long story short, the other girl that I was working with was my very closest friend at the time & we spent mucho time together. She was also into the "pill scene" as was her mother, who was a partial owner of the bar, along with her husband, and that was my friends father. He had a sister & brother in law also all partial owners. To make that all a little more clear. There was a sister & brother who bought the bar together, then they had their husband or wife in as employees or whatever. That faded very quickly & Nikki & I basically took over everything. Throughout that time period, her father was having a very blatent affair with a local woman & was very much embarassing his wife who was right around there also, as that is why she faded away from the business. She was a heavier woman who had COPD & took way too many pills, mixing & matching. She began to watch all of her grandchildren while her own kids were working. That was her passion, those kids. That was her only reasoning for life anymore. Well, one day as Nikki took her daughter over there, they ended up in a huge fight because it was only 9:30 am & her Mom was already "nodding out" due to Fioricet. She was calling in her own scripts with another woman & one would call them in & one would pick up the script. Mind you, she was a nurse, so she did know how to call in scripts. Anyways, her & Nikki got in this huge fight & Nikki told her to "Go f-screw herself- how badly she hated her, etc" This was another family member who hurt her deeply. She was already watching her sons little baby boy for the day & he had been dropped off around 7am, so her son had no idea how badly she was "out of it." Anyways, Nikki took her daughter to her inlaws to watch throughout her shift. We were working together that day & she was so sad that she said those things to her own Mother & kept trying to call her to apologize, as we were all doing pills & she felt guilty for getting on her Mom's case about it. Well, we were working a Friday daytime shift & I don't even remember how I ended up working that day, as I was normally at the dental office throughout the days. But the phone rang close to the end of our shift & the evening girls had started filtering in to begin their shifts. I was getting our cash drawer balanced out so that we could get out of there. But I picked up the ringing phone & it was Nikki's brother, barely able to even speak. Their mother had taken his son over to the neighbors for a minute (close friends of their family- no big deal), but he didn't know where she was or his son. So he started searching the house & her bedroom door was closed & locked. He was petrified that she had overdosed, so he broke down her door to find her there in the bed with half of her head blown off and the gun lying across her body. The very last words that Nikki said to her own Mom were horrible. We left together, as she could not drive in the state that she was in. We were very close at this time period. I was so worried about her that I ended up staying with her & her family for nearly a month. I slept every night on the couch with her, holding her hand. Rubbing her hair back from her face, taking care of her daughter, being a true friend to her. We were so very close. My family couldn't stand her, as they blamed my pill taking on her. (easier than blaming their very own daughter who was making her very own bad decisions!) But aside from that, we remained very close for quite a few years & then I found out that she had screwed me over on some pills that she was hooking me up with, but she wouldn't admit it. She stopped answering my phone calls. I guess I thought "well that's that!" I ran into her not too long afterwards & I demanded my money back from her. We were supposed to be best friends, how could she steal from me? She basically told me to go f-screw myself & I wouldn't be getting any money back from her. I had never been in any type of physical altercation with anyone other than Nadine's father, but I was so wazzed out that I just decked her square in the face. I don't really know who was more surprised. That was the last time that I have seen her or ever talked to her again. A good friendship lost due to pills.
Yesterday, as I was getting gas, I ran into her. I haven't seen her in at least eight or nine years. It was such a surprise to run into her again.
I have to go to an appointment this morning, but I will be back to finish this story.
Love,
Beth

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