Family troubles

Well, we are finally getting straightened up because overtime kicked in at work, but when one part of your life is going well the other parts seem to fall completely apart. Well not completely apart, but the stress from being across the road from it makes it feel that way. My mother just came back from their Alabama vacation trip thing and while they were gone here is a small run down of what happened.
First off, her step grandson is living with her and was supposed to take care of the house while they were gone. He is 18 and a senior in high school.
- Missed two days of school
- Got their 2000.00 trailer stolen
-Skipped one of those days of school and lied to me and mom about it
-Had a party with three boys over at Mom's house
-Smoked Pot in her Van
- Allowed to drive her car that she just got back from my uncle that she sold it to, to pay off stepchild's loan
Ok, what he was supposed to do that he didnt do while he was gone that got pushed off on me.
-Take out the garbage
-Feed the bird
-Get the mail
-Clean the house up before Mom came back in for a weekend to pick up Uncle
When she came back, there was a couple of things that I had forgot to do which was throw away some old stuff in the fridge because if my stepdad had seen it he would have went nuts. I forgot to mail her water bill in, she told me once in the morning while I was yelling at my dogs to settle down. But I had to deal with this brat of a child, and I had to deal with him when his mother called wondering why he wasnt in school and we all thought that he had gotten sent home. This whole trip was so freaking stressful, and now they are thinking about going camping again for 10 days to a different spot. He wont be going yet again because it will be during the remainder of his school year. My husband says that Ive gotten it started and I will be responsible for him. I say no, because before they left this previous time I told her that I would NOT be babysitting him. However, when I seen him leave out with their trailer and four wheeler behind his truck I called Mom because I wasnt sure if he was allowed to do this or not. Apparently, no matter what he does wrong he gets praised for it. When I do things right and forget something, I get bitched at for it. The day that they came home, she hadnt been in the house more than 1 hour and called over here to tell me that I had forgot this and that, BUT what she forgets to realize is everything that I dealt with while she was gone.
I hate to come out and say anything because I am trying to keep the peace. We live well lets see, I can pick up her wireless signal over here but I only get one bar. I dont use their wireless but if I needed to, I could do so. So Im guessing that is 100 yards? Im not sure how far a wireless signal goes out from a Netgear router. Anyways, living this close its imperative that the peace is kept because we used to fuss and fight all the time and nothing ever came out of it.
I honestly think that I should come out and say something but how do you basically say look it would be nice if you would just say thank you for what I have done. It would also be nice if you wasnt pissy acting with me if I did mess a single thing up. I didnt get items stolen, I didnt have parties in your house and I dang sure didnt smoke pot in your vehicle.
She told us a week before they left that she would be driving her van and that the car would be locked in the garage, no keys would be left to that car. This all changed the day before they left. I had a doctors appointment and asked to use the car and got told NO, but she leaves out and he gets the car to drive to school and around town with his idiot friends????
He came over one day because he was bored, I can tolerate him in small doses. But he came over and had the nerve to tell me, I know that you probably think that i get away with more than you did while you was at home but its because Im a boy and you were a girl. If girls get in trouble, they can get pregnant and worse things can happen. I just sat there and chose my words, I looked at him and said no you get away with murder because Mom is too damn ignorant to see otherwise. If you was my kid, you would walk a line and if you slid off that line you would have punishments something that you have NEVER had before.
He came back one more time which was the day that he apparently got "sent home" from school for getting caught with dip. Which was a lie, I called the school and asked them and he never checked into school. He has missed since September approximately 47 days of school. I missed 12 days my WHOLE senior year and I had chronic sinus/allergies, some mornings I couldnt even breathe when I woke up. Mom takes him to the doctor and he tells them that he has bad diarrhea ,and they diagnose him with IBS. I think that honestly he doesnt have this, becaues the day that he got "sent" home he tells Mom that he really was feeling bad and had diarrhea that day.
When Mom told me this and I told her that is a load of bullshit, she gets hateful with me and says well that is what he told me.
I cant honestly see how Mom can be this dumb. She wouldnt even let me stay out past 10 on the weekends. It was 9 during the week.
He is allowed to drive Moms van anytime he wants, doesnt work and has no chores at home. He also buys roosters and chickens and you wanna guess why????? Around here, there is a huge chicken fighting problem. My mother is agreeing with this and I got scolded for coloring my hair RED.
I sometimes feel like Mom wished that she had a different kid. I feel like she is ashamed of me sometimes. When i recolored my hair, she doesnt say well its bright and pretty colors. She just shakes her head and when she gets around people, she acts like I am stupid for doing it. I dont know how to explain it, its just her actions when she is around people.
I hate to sound like Im whining, but its just so aggravating. Do i come out and just lay it all out and make things worse? Do I keep it all bottled up and just have more stress along with everything else? Me and the husband are talking about buying a house in a year or so. There is this cute little house about a mile from his work and its been redone and they are wanting 35k for it. Its a small house, but we dont need a big house. I dnt want to clean a big house. A small house is perfect for us. I brought this up to Mom and it was like I said nothing at all, she went back to talking about what was going on at the house. She used to call me and just talk about nothing, now she ONLY calls to talk about her husband who fusses at the drop of a hat, her step grandson who is going to wind up being the oldest person still living with his grandparents. Not saying that there is anything wrong with it, but most people want to move away from home. I know that I sure as hell did. I went about it the wrong way BUT still I wanted to be away from Mom because I got so tired of her controlling me so much.
Now I just dont know what is going on anymore. Everything wasnt fine, but it was alot better before he moved in. He is supposed to go to Tulsa FL in June to a welding school. Thing is, he cant even go to high school I highly doubt that he is going to a college type school where he has to depend on himself. its just so aggravating to me. Any tips or advice would be nice, or just some kind words.

Good morning April,
Things have gotten frustrating to say the least. This "child" is not a child at all but an adult of 18. I wouldn't worry about his getting into welding school after graduation as he has to graduate first and frankly I don't see that happening unless you live in an area that passes him just to get him out of the system.
What brought this angel to live with his grandparents in the first place? It could be that your mom is doing the same thing as you. Trying to keep the peace by walking on eggshells to avoid conflict in order to keep her husband happy. I doubt that she can control him even if she wanted to since he is of age and will probably do whatever he wants anyway. It is up to his grandfather to be a man and lay down the law to him.
You right, nothing comes out of fighting. But nothing comes out of your being miserable either. When your mom wants to go on her next vacation, instead of getting the mail for her you could suggest that she might want to put a hold on the mail at the post office until she gets back that way she can pick up her mail and not worry about something being lost or misplaced. As to her bills being mailed, that is not your job and if she knew it had to be sent out why didn't she do it herself before she left a last minute thing she could have taken it with her and dropped it in the mail on the way out of town?

I am going to use the word "suggest" a lot because no one likes to be told what they should do "suggesting" sounds better than saying you should. So suggest that she make a list of things that need to be done before she leaves and she can check them off as she gets them done to make sure nothing is left out. If there is anything that you have to absolutely do for her while she is gone sit down with her and make another list so that you can refer to it daily to make sure your end is done.

Once you finish with what you need to get done, don't look across the street. Don't look to make sure he is doing what he is supposed to be doing. It is not your problem it is his. Let him and them deal with it when they get home.
While you are in your house, pretend that you have a blackout and cannot see across the street.
Whatever the man child does while she is away is up to him. He is the one that will eventually get caught on his own without your help. It may be later rather than sooner but believe me he will get caught. He is 18 and needs to seriously grow up. Why are YOU responsible for him? You are responsible for yourself and your own actions. You are not his mother and your are not the person who he is living with. Maybe you agreed to keep an eye on him this last trip but that doesn't mean you have to do it again.
Part of recovery is recognizing your triggers and it seems this person is one of those triggers. If you feel the need to have a sit down with your mom do it but in a manner that doesn't put her on the defensive, maybe she just doesn't know how to handle the situation and make her husband happy and the same time.

I think the house is a wonderful idea and i hope that you are able to get it. It is a big step and you will have something of your own. Be proud of everything that you do. You are doing a great job in your recovery and helping others. Take some time out for yourself once and awhile.

I did see that you did re-color your hair again. And yes, those are some vibrant colors. I have a neice that did her hair half purple and half black. The purple was on the top outer section of her hair and the black she did underneath so it looked like it blended in. At first when I heard what she was going to do I didn't think much of it but once I saw it, it looked great and she felt good. That is all that matters, if you feel good, then go for it and do whatever makes you happy.

Thank you nanna, I completely agree with every single word you said. I want to show you a situation that happened back when I relapsed in November. I had 2 weeks of hell basically, I was so severely sick. I keep saying this, not sure really if its literally true but I felt like I was dying. 2 ER trips, one said Kidney Stones and the other had no clue. Apparently I was going through withdrawals. My husband said look we can not have you constantly sick like this all the time. OK, so we decide that its best if we call Mom over because when she took me to the PCP doctor to get something to "try" and come off Sub, I took them back like I used to do. I couldn't afford the 300 for the Sub doctor but I had the 60 to go to my PCP. He wouldn't write me Subutex, because I asked. Anyways, I was taking four of those Tramadol's a day which is nothing compared to Sub we all know that. My husband and I talked about getting Mom to pay for one last doctors visit, because enough was enough. I hadn't eat in four days, diarrhea, nausea, chills, vomiting, fever, you name it I had it. It was severe, and showed no hope of letting up whatsoever. We called Mom over here, he said it will be fine. I was nervous because I know how her mind works. I knew how she would react and what she would say because I just know how she is. She doesn't and has NEVER considered this addiction serious, she thinks its like a switch that I can turn on and off and that its absurd for me to spend the amount of money that I do to get better.
We brought her over here, sat her down and I just told her look I have relapsed. I am not taking the medicine like I was supposed to do, I had that fear that it might happen. I am terribly sick and if I don't start getting better, there is no telling what is going to happen. Her first words out of her mouth was, Would Valium help? It wasn't well what can we do to fix this? It was offering me more pills. I know that some might take Valium for nerves, panic attacks, whatever. I told her no, that is just adding to the problem. I told her I need you to pay for one more visit, I will give you the money when he gets his first check from work. This was before he had started the job that he has now and was scheduled to start in a couple weeks. She agreed, and I called Monday and tried to make an appointment. My doctor at that time was only in on a Thursday, Mom couldn't call in the payment because this doctors office was just pathetic about how they did everything. She had to take me and pay for it in person, well Thursday morning at 9 I was ringing their phone. I had to see if she would accept me back as a patient. Thank goodness that the office manager wasn't there because she hated me for some odd reason. The secretary said yes and told me to get there ASAP. I told Mom that anytime that morning I could have to be there and she said ok, just call when you find out something.
Ok, I start calling her at 9:15 and I get voicemail. I call the house, it just rings and rings. I keep calling over and over, they told me that I needed to get there atleast before 10:45. I live almost an hour away from there. It took me thirty minutes to get her on the phone, I called and when she finally answered the phone she told me that she had 15 missed calls. My husband was furious, he said if she causes you to miss this appointment after agreeing to take you, I am done with her one hundred percent. I wont lift another finger to do one thing for her.
She pulls back in the drive way and I ask her where was she? I was getting nervous. This iwas my chance to get back on Sub and feel better and taper off like you are supposed to do. Not just stop taking it while you are at 16mg, like I tried to do. She said that she got up that morning and the man child made her mad, he didn't want to go to school so she just got up, turned her phone off and left the house. She said that she was going to show him that he couldn't just make her mad anytime he wanted, that she would leave. Not one word was mentioned about, I didn't mean to make you nervous about the doctors appointment. Or I know that you had to go, I would have been back in a few minutes. Just concerned about showing this immature brat who is boss????? WHY didn't she just look at him and say you are going to school or to Tenn with your mother? I have things to do this morning that are important for the health of my child, you either get your ass up and go or you are going to live in Tennessee with your mother.
This is how my mother treats the situation with me. Anything AT ALL that has to do with me, whether its important or not is not even acknowledged, it is completely ignored or acted like its nothing. Oh its nothing that the only child that I have has a problem and needs support....
I want to say something to her, and I should but honestly this is what me and hubby talked about this morning.
I messaged Mom because I seen that she was gone, I was gonna have her pick up some chocolate for me and pay her when she got here. She lied and said that she was at the hardware store and would be home in a few minutes, this was over 2 hrs ago and still isn't home. So me and hubby have come to this conclusion, we are going to cut the strings. I am going to pay what I owe her this week, I had a water bill that fell due one day before he got paid and they were wanting to cut it off if I didn't pay it. I am going to pay her what is owed and then we are gonna get our own cellphone, I am going to have them transfer the phone numbers in my phone over to the new phone and give this one back to Mom.
All I hear when I call her or talk to her is I am broke, we are going to have to declare bankruptcy. We cant get the credit cards paid off. She throws this up in my face because when I started going to the doctor, I had her pay on my doctor bills BUT I gave her almost all of it back. Whatever she did with that money, I have no idea. Hubby said why should we break our necks worrying about paying her back when she isn't even paying off the amount that we borrowed and wanting more to cover it??? He said that is nothing but disposable income because the money that we give her back towards it, she doesn't count it and gives it to the man child to buy chickens. I am also getting our own satellite, I don't care if I have to pay so much per week to get it because apparently we have to pay a deposit or something. My husband has no credit whatsoever. I have given her money time and time again to pay on stuff, but it never gets paid and she constantly complains that they are broke. One reason of ths is because they are constantly running here and there, and that is fine. The hint dropping is what gets on my nerves. See when I lived at home, I paid a lot of the bills and bought all the groceries with my part time job. I had this part time job to pay for my car insurance, which was supposed to be 30 bucks a month but I wound up paying Moms which was 85 a month and had no idea why I did this now. She had some excuse at the time, I cant remember now what the reasoning was. This is just some of the stuff that I have dealt with over time.
I am just explaining how her mind works, it seems like when she got with my stepdad that her cruelty got worse.
Ever been homeless?? I have, me and the hubby got kicked out of where we were staying and had nowhere to go. I called mom and she told me that because she was a Christian now she didn't believe in me and hubby staying there because at the time we weren't married. He said, ok you go stay there and I will stay with Mom. I said, NO I AM NOT LEAVING YOU. I will not leave the person that has stuck beside me through everything. We finally had a place to go, but my own mother wouldn't let me stay and this was the reason? She let my stepbrother stay with his girlfriend for almost a week.
All of this will eventually come out, its just waiting for the right time. Ever wished that you could see into the future to see when certain things was going to happen? This is one of those things that I would like to see when it happened...
This is the type of person that I am dealing with, Im sorry but I don't care how religious someone is you don't turn away your child when they are homeless. If my daughter came to me and said I need a place to stay and if I had nowhere to put her, she would sleep on top of me in the chair. I would NOT turn her away for no reasoning whatsoever.
Just explaining a few situations and how they were handled, how things over the years have made me what I am. Its no wonder that I am a recovering addict, its a wonder that im not sitting somewhere in a straight jacket. I have more stories that would make most parents cringe. My husbands mother, when I would sit and tell her stuff like this she would cry. She would get so mad, and this woman didn't even care for me all that much but because I made her son happy she dealt with me.

Oh the hair??? That was something that my first doctor suggested that I do, she wanted me to find something that I enjoyed that made me feel better. When my hair is unnatural colored, I feel empowered somehow. I don't know what it is or what it does, but it makes me feel like Im ten feet tall.

April,
I imagine the hair makes you feel so good because it is something that you are in control of, not your mother, not your husband and not the kid across the street. Just you. If it makes you feel good about yourself, good for you!!
It sounds like your mom will do anything to make her husband happy. I've noticed that when you talk about the other kids, they are step.
It sounds like you and your husband have a plan and I hope you are able to do whatever you need to do to become more independent and in return, much happier. I hope that once you get moved you will able to work on the relationship with your mom. Being so close certainly has it's drawbacks. Good luck, as always we will be here if you need us.
Dee

I am thankful for my husband, he is the only person that has stood beside me and has not judged me whatsoever. He is the only one that no matter what I do, even though he might get mad will always comfort me and take care of me. I have done some bad things in my life, of course being an addict but he has ALWAYS been the one that I lean on in times of need. We are so tired and fed up with all of this, I am fed up and tired of being a doormat. That is how I feel these days, I also feel like if she had another child different than me, she might act a little more proud of that one than me.
The people that cant figure out why I turned to drugs are the ones that CAUSED me to turn to drugs. No I am not blaming them totally, because I was the one that chose it but it all stems down from those few people that thinks its nothing. I never figured that at 34 I would be dealing with all this soap opera-like drama.
It is nice to have people who support me, I thought that I had found that with 'another' website that i wont mention, but apparently if you dont follow their way of recovery you are not welcome. Not to mention, its hard to take advice from someone who has never been addicted to anything opiates/alcohol/benzo's and the like. I personally like taking advice from someone who has walked a mile in my shoes.
We are looking at small houses, yes and no we arent making bazillion dollar checks BUT we are very happy. I cant wait until we do get the chance to move into a new house, I will definitely post pictures here of it. I am looking for that to happen within the next year or maybe sooner, I would love it before Christmas this year. Not sure if that will happen, but my dose has been cut down some on my own. I have went from about 8-10 to around 6-7mg. I want to eventually come off, I still worry about what I will do when it comes to pain. I have arthritis and Fibro,TMJ pain, teeth that will have to be cut out this year. My teeth are in such bad shape, that you cant just reach in and pull them or they will shatter. I can thank the Codone twins for that one. Me and the husband sat down last night and just talked about all of this, because I just needed to vent it out in the open.
He told me if you plan on cutting the strings you better do it slowly, cause if she catches wind of what you are doing she will get mad and stop it altogether. I know how her mind works, I wish that I could speak to her on her level. There is no way that its possible, because she will take it all wrong and blow up.
However, once we are gone away from across the street, things will change and make a turn for the better. We will be able to function more stress free, I mean when they leave out we feel more free and when they come home there is this looming cloud that hangs over for some reason??? It shouldnt be that way while you are at home, I mean I try to come in and act like there is no one across the street over there. I really do, sometimes it is hard because the phone will ring and then its an hour talkfest about how this one has said this, and this one did that...
I wish that we had honestly never moved from where we were at to begin with. We used to live in the town where my husband works, Mt Vernon and we lived walking distance from a gas station that was more like a small grocery store. We were broke up there, always had a hard time struggling for money which is why Mom came up there and asked us if we wanted to move across the street from them. When we were told how cheap the rent would be and that it would be easier if we needed things that we were so close, we didnt think about the consequences at first. I wish now that I had just said well I know the rent is higher up here but its fine, we will work it out. At the time we were living there the economy was in much worse shape than it is now. It was so hard for anyone to actually find a job, he called every place in town and around town and NO ONE was hiring. They wasnt even taking applications. That is another reason that we moved, was because it was cheaper to live up here and he would eventually fall into a job which he did. He got a job at walmart, I keep thinking however what would have occured if he had that job when we were living up there. Would we have stayed up there? Oh well, cant look back too much, just gotta keep on moving forward. This addiction has certainly made me look at alot of things in perspective, look at things as a whole.
Thanks so much for being here just to listen to me ramble. April

I feel the need to vent a few things and I need to tell a little bit about maybe why there is tenson even 20 years after the fact between me and my mother. When she met my SOB stepdad, she was still married to my dad and he was working 7 days a week/12 hours a day. He was working himself to death and she was going out on him. She claims that he didnt want to give her any money for my school clothes, but I dont believe that because when they finally got divorced he would give me money ontop of the 300 dollars a month that he HAD to give for child support.
My mother is a piece of work, I cant get this across quite clearly as I would like to do. Im not saying that I am a saint either, but there are a few things that has happened in the past that I just cant seem to forgive her for.
When I was 8 years old, she moved us in with this SOB. Yeah I dont like him and I have my reasons. It started off fine, I got to pick out a new room which was alot bigger than my old house. I still wished that I had that old house, oh it was so pretty. Anyways, everything was fine and normal to begin with. I dont recall when it all started to be honest but I do know by the time that I was 12, he had started hugging a little too friendly. I got caught smoking a couple of times after I went to a birthday party and they were smoking (cigarettes,nothing else) and it just kinda stuck with me. When she caught me smoking, I realize that I was young but she made it out like a Federal case or something. He would try to crawl on top of me in the bed, while she was in the other room and while nothing really "happened" what did happen was enough to scar me for the rest of my life. He tried to kiss me more than just a fatherly kiss, wanted to watch animated porn with me. I finally got tired of all this crap around the time that I turned 14, I came out with all of it to my grandmother. I begged her not to say anything just yet, she said that it was a good thing that I made her not say anything because she wanted to send my uncle to shoot him and he would have done it. One night before he left to go to work, I was laying in bed watching TV before I went to sleep for the night. He knocked on my door and came in and I knew what was coming. Everytime that anything that happened, I was either screaming or telling him to get off of me. My mother was either in the bathroom or the living room and she had to know what was going on.
He tried to crawl on top of me yet again, and I told him to get out of my room that I had to go to sleep. He said that he wanted a hug before he went to work, I told him yet again to get out and he finally left. When he left to go to work, I went in the living room and told Mom everything that had happened ever since the first time. She just sat there kinda quiet, i told her that I hated to do this on their anniversary but enough was enough. She gathered up some stuff for me, and I got my hamster and she took me to Mama's. When Mama came to the door and I told her what was going on, she said good for you.
Mom went back to the house and said that she was going to talk to him and that I had to come and tell him what was going on face to face. That she didnt believe me and that if it actually happened, we would have to move back in with Mama (telling me at 14 that this was going to make our life hell and that she hated doing this). I was scared, didnt want to go back to that house, but I did for some stupid reason. I went back there and they were standing over top of me basically hammering me for answers and I was so scared and nervous, so I told Mom nothing happened. I know what yall are probably thinking, that I should have stuck with my story but I didnt want Mom to have to move back in with Mama and mess her life up and go through another divorce.
Any mother in her right mind after hearing what I had told her, would have moved out and been gone by the time that he got back in from work and had a gun waiting for him when he got home. If my daughter came to me and told me what I told Mom, I wouldnt have badgered her with questions with the person that did it.
A couple of years ago, he was accused again with doing the same thing that he did to me to another girl. This little girl liked staying the night with Mom, not sure why but she would come up and stay the night and go home. Well, Mom calls me one night crying and saying that he was accused yet again of touching this girl and she was behind the door and apparently seen what happened. How can you be behind a door and see what happens? Anyways, she stuck beside him and told the girl that she was no longer welcome in the house. She said, I dont know what we are going to do at church, because I bet that she goes to church and tells everyone what happened. I just told Mom to calm down and that I had to get off the phone.
I was not getting into this with her, because she would STILL be mad at me if I did do so. This is something that apparently is a problem and it makes me wonder what he has done to Katelyn which is the man child's sister. Then again. he prolly has done nothing to her because its his own kids child. I guess he just wants to screw up everyone else's life. I did almost get him arrested once, after I got married to my first husband. The attorney told me since there was no actual physical evidence, and it was word against word nothing could be done.
I guess I should have told Uncle Dennis, he would have made sure that something was done, but I didnt want my Uncle to spend the rest of his life in prison. I dont want my kids around him either, I dont trust him and I am not messing up my kids life either.
This is what I walk around with everyday of my life. Its so hard for me to deal with some days because I cant help but think how she reacted the day that i told her and how she MADE me come back to the house and tell him straight to his face what he did. Why did I have to do that? Why should any child have to do that? I should have never stepped foot back in that house. Maybe I should start a thread named, April's messed up life LOL. Nahhhh.