Beth Checking In

Subject: Beth Checking In Tue 16 Aug 2011, 11:52 am

Hello to all!

It’s me Beth & I am back!! I just wrote out quite a lengthy post & lost it, so now that I have switched over to Word to write this out, it may not be as long. We got back from the beach on Saturday & we had a blast. Hard to want to come back home, that’s for sure! It was beautiful & we had a room with a balcony overlooking the beach & ocean, so that was also wonderful! We had a great place to retreat to when needing a break from the nearly 60 people that went along on this trip. There were 16 kids there, ranging in age from 6 months to 15 years old. Nadine was the oldest. Then we had the younger crowd, one who celebrated his 21st b-day while we were there. What a Face

Needless to say, there was excessive drinking going on everyday. And not just from the younger ones, but mainly from all of the adults. They went from coffee in the early am & switched it over to beer or mixed drinks at about 9am throughout the day & night. It was great to have that room to retreat to when we had enough of the sloppiness as the days went on. We would also go for walks on the beach & head to the gift shops. We had taken along our kids TV with a built in DVD player & a box full of DVD’s to help occupy the time, as well as to drown out the excessive noise. We also took along a bag of craft supplies & little toys to keep them busy when we had been in the sun for too long throughout the days. Matt & I actually even got to go out on a date, which is the first time in about 5 years that we have done so, since the birth of Caroline, I would dare to say. We went out to a nice seafood restaurant & then walked the beach under the full moon. It was wonderful!! We drove throughout the nights both down & back, so the kids slept most of the time, which was a big time help. Getting back home was an adjustment, trying to get back on a schedule & caught up on sleep, unpacking, etc. I am still not done with it all, but I will get there.

As for me, I felt pretty good the entire time there, a little claustrophobic at times, but felt good the majority of the time. Also, right before we left I had seen the new Psychiatrist & he put me on a new antidepressant called Celexa & I believe that it has helped me out already. I saw him again yesterday & will continue to see him on a weekly basis until we get my medications stabilized. I also really like him, which helps greatly. He has nixed the idea of me being Bipolar, but just very anxious & depressed. We are working on getting me back to my normal state of mind. He reassures me that I am not crazy as I am led to believe by my Mother & Matt at times & to ignore their ignorance. LOL! But I have been feeling pretty well & that sure is an improvement from before I had left for this vacation. Now this week, I have appointments every single day, mainly for my kiddos, but also with the current Suboxone provider. School starts next week & we are trying to get everything ready to go for that, especially since Caroline will be starting kindergarten this year. That will be a huge adjustment for her as well as all included here. But we will adjust in time. There is no choice regarding that aspect. She will just be going all day, everyday from 8:30 until 4:15 & that in itself will take some time to get used to a new schedule.

Anyways, I just wanted to check in & let you all know that I am doing much better than before I had left & am feeling more like myself again. How has everyone here been doing? Anything that I have missed while being away? I look forward to hearing from any or all of you!! Like a Star @ heaven

Missed you all,
Beth I love you

Subject: Re: Beth Checking In Tue 16 Aug 2011, 12:13 pm

Good morning Beth!
Welcome home!
I am on my way out of the door for counseling today. I did want to stop long enough to say that you sound wonderful!

What a difference some alone time makes. Maybe this is what you and Matt needed to start getting yourselves on track.
"Ignore the Ignorant" Mind if I borrow that?

You said, your current Suboxone provider. Do you have a new one? Is this new doctor prescribing your Suboxone now or is this the one who will be leaving?
I am happy to hear you so happy and that you do like your new psychiatrist. Having someone who will actually listen to you and value your input in your treatment makes the world of difference.
I just glanced up at the clock, I have to leave or miss my appointment. So I will check back in later.
Enjoy your day my friend!
Dee

Subject: Re: Beth Checking In Thu 18 Aug 2011, 11:46 am

Hi Dee!

I am sorry that I have not responded sooner to your post, but things have again been hectic & I was shocked by your article regarding the bath salts (drugs) that I responded there first.

I love the saying "Ignore the ignorant" & of course you can use it as often as possible BC that is what I plan on doing as well. Wink

I have been feeling much better- still a little up & down, but much better than when I had left. Just extremely hectic this week. I have had appointments every single day, for myself as well as the kiddos. Plus, we are getting ready to head back to school & being that Caroline is starting Kindergarten, there is LOTS to do. Nadine is not so hard with that yet. But she was stung by a bee on Tuesday & ended up getting transported by ambulance to Children's Hospital. Then yesterday, she just lied directly to Matt's face regarding her mowing job when he already knew the truth & I had to again play referee, which just knocks the crap out of me mentally. They both expect me to take sides. I do not condone her lying, yet then she is over dramatic & thinks that I am choosing him over her, etc. It just drains me.

As for finding a provider, no, I have not found a new one yet. I have an appointment here shortly with the same one that I have been seeing. I am still looking though. I do not know how long he will be around & have to be prepared for the worst. He looks absolutely terrible! He is gray in color & his eyes are sunken in. His clothes look like they are falling off of him. It is really sad, to say the least.

I have to keep this short for the time being as I have to get myself & these kiddos ready to get going out the door, but I will be back to let you know how things are going after the appointment.

Much Love Always,
Beth I love you

Subject: Re: Beth Checking In Sat 20 Aug 2011, 11:55 am

Good morning to all!!

How is the day starting out for all of you? I have just come out of my sleep & took out the trash, so as of the moment, I am drinking my first cup of coffee & just smoked my first cigarette, and seem to be feeling pretty great! Yeah! It’s Friday & that always seems to be a good thing, despite that it doesn’t change much for me other than we rarely have any appointments to go to over the w-end. I don’t yet know whether or not Matt will be working or not as his schedule is so unpredictable that I never know day to day when he will be working or what shift. In the past few days, he has worked days on Monday, Monday midnights, half a day on Tuesday, midnights on Tuesday, Wed days, Wed midnights, Thursday days, and Thursday midnights & here we are on Friday… And he has yet to return home from last night yet. One just never knows. His boss has taken that Dollar General Store job that is in Vermont. The one out of state job that I wanted him to be able to take so that I could come along & try to visit our Sweet Dee while he was working. Yet, the way that my own schedule has been around here, there would have been no way for me to pull that off right now with all that we have going on currently here at home with the kids as well as myself. I promise that one day we shall meet my dear friend! With his boss being out of state, that pretty much leaves Matt in charge of everything here & he simply cannot be in 5 places at one time, plus getting materials for all of the jobs that he is covering & making sure that the crews are in the right places at the right times, etc. His boss, also the owner of the company, trusts him very much, which he has earned through his hard work & skills. Yet, he still calls him 5-10 times per day to “make sure of where they are” with this or that job, employees, materials or whatever, so when he actually is home & able to try to go to sleep, his phone is constantly buzzing away. I personally think that he just likes to chat with Matt. (Hehe!) But in all reality, when he is not calling him, he is sending him texts full of jokes & naked women, etc. So I really think that he relies on Matt very much & despite him always checking in since he is out of state, I believe that Matt has become his friend. But then, I always have to remember that employee/employer relationships are a lot like parenting a teenager. You want to be their buddy, but you also have to be their boss. I don’t know & I am just rambling away about nothing that really pertains to this site, so I will stop about this topic.

Yesterday, I went into see my current provider & we have decided that I am going to try to taper off of the Suboxone altogether…?. It was actually my idea & he does not really agree, but he hasn’t really agreed with me on anything the entire time that I have been seeing him. See, he became my Provider after I went into the hospital this past winter & he was the one who treated me; therefore, that is how I got hooked up with him. I have been seeing him since around February. Within that time period, we haven’t really had any problems until recently as he has gotten sicker & sicker. I hate to say this, but I don’t know how much longer he has left on this earth. He just looks like a shell of a man who can hardly function & it bothers him to have me ask him questions about the diagnosis that he made of the Bipolar (especially BC he is not a Psychiatrist) as well as he does not listen to me at all when I ask him questions regarding pretty much any issue. When he previously placed me on a certain antidepressant & I asked him about it, he seemed miffed by the fact that I was questioning him about this medication. I believe that he thought that I had no right to question his decisions. Then after taking it for nearly 2 weeks, I was getting horrible headaches as well as severe stomach pains that were not there before I had begun this new med. It was all I could think of that had changed, so I addressed it with him & he replied that the medication had nothing to do with it. “His wife is on the same med & she did not have those symptoms.” Okay, well I AM having them & am asking your “professional” opinion about it & you tell me that it cannot be the medicine. I simply stopped taking it. The stomach problems went away almost instantly, although I am still having issues with headaches. I have been getting headaches nearly everyday that even Motrin 800 will not touch. Not all day, everyday, but often enough that I am going to speak to my family doctor about them. In fact, I am on the phone as I am typing here to try to get into see him today as an emergency appointment. I don’t know how that will go, as I am still on hold, but just found out that he will indeed see me at 10:40 this morning. I also have to get some copies of referral papers that he has previously given me & I seem to have misplaced in my chaos of preparing for vacation as well as the several other appointments that I have had recently. I really don’t mean to be so disorganized, but in the state of mind that I was in before I left, well, I was barely able to make it to my appointments, much less keep everything in order. I feel completely different than what I did then. Anyways, back to the topic at hand… I don’t know about this decision of going off of the Suboxone completely & am questioning my decision, but am certainly going to give it a try. I have been on it for over 3 years now & we are going to do a taper plan so that I hopefully will not have any withdrawals, but I have to admit that I am quite scared about my decision. Yet, I figure that if it does not work out the way that I am hoping, then I am right back in the same place that I am now & will search for a new provider, if need be. After seeing him, I stopped into the psychiatrist’s office to ask for 2 minutes of his time & he obliged. I had told him what I had just done & he was actually quite relieved. He also got very angry about the provider that I had just come from seeing. He thought that he had no right to diagnose me with anything other than opiate addiction. His exact words were that “he was a stupid surgeon who had his license yanked for his alcoholism” and after going through great lengths to get it (license, but not surgical) back, that he took a mere addiction course to be able to practice any type of medicine again. He also told me that he was NOT a psychiatrist & for him to make these diagnoses were out of his range of knowledge. He asked me if he went through 4 years of psychiatry schooling & residency. The answer is an obvious “NO!” He went on to tell me about the several sexual misconduct charges pressed against him in recent years. He was almost yelling by this point. He is MORE than happy that I am going to be done with him as a Provider & that we have no problems here with him & the meds that he has placed me on, starting at low dosages & I will continue to see him weekly until my meds are stabilized. He asked me several times if I had any more questions & if I was satisfied with the meds that he had placed me on- thank you very much! And that is what he has asked me at every single appointment that I have had with him since beginning to see him. He wants me to question him about any concerns that I am having & to answer my concerns before I walk out of his office. I very much appreciate that in a doctor- one that will actually listen to me & how I am actually feeling. Not one who is telling me how I “should be” feeling. As I said, I feel quite apprehensive about going off of the Suboxone altogether, but also a huge weight felt as if it had been lifted after I walked out of that Psychiatrist’s office, with his reassurance of my decision & that if it does not work out the way that I want or am unable to stay off of the Suboxone, then I can always find another provider, but what a relief in knowing that I do not have to constantly be on the hunt for a decent provider who accepts my insurance & isn’t already filled with their 100 patient limit, etc, etc, etc. It has been a huge weight on my shoulders for a very long time & I desperately want to be able to go off of it & be okay. I almost felt like skipping yesterday after I discussed my decisions with Matt & my Mom, growing more & more confident in my own words & decision as I spoke of my reasoning. They are actually both behind me on this decision. Either way, if they had not been, I AM MAKING MY OWN CHOICES THESE DAYS! {Ignore the ignorant! Wink

} I think that is also why I got so much support from them BC I felt so confident in myself & simply TOLD them what it was that I was going to do, not asking their opinions. Yet, they give them to me anyways & thankfully, they are both on board with me about this one. I have been on 16mgs of the Suboxone & many days, do not even take that much. Now, I have been reduced to 12mgs for 2 weeks, then to 8mgs for 2 more weeks, and then I see him again (if he is still even practicing- I pray to God) in a month to see where he will be tapering me from there. He told me that it will be a slow taper, taking place over several months so that I do not go through the withdrawals of opiate addiction, which is now just the Suboxone. I don’t mean to say it like “just the Suboxone” but it is much better than the withdrawals from the Oxycontins, despite that I had the Suboxone to help me get through that, I am feeling ready & confident enough in myself to be able to do this. Also knowing in my mind that if I get down to the 4mg point & start having troubles, that we can either slow it down or if I have to locate another provider to help me at that point, then I have that option. I could tell that the Provider was not happy about my decision, but we were getting to the point of being unhappy with each other as it was. He didn’t like all of my questions & I didn’t like that from him, as well as him constantly throwing our contract back up in my face, holding that Suboxone over me to HAVE to listen to his instructions, even the ones that I had concerns over, but was not to question. It almost reminded me of another provider that I have had in the past who decided to stop seeing me BC I would not take all of the different meds that she was throwing at me at every appointment. (Dee, you probably remember her & her saying of “Don’t cut me!”) They use the Suboxone as the carrot dangling in front of my face, if I want it, then I have to take all of these mood altering meds that make me feel like a barely walking zombie. I cannot function on these types of meds. I can barely get out of bed, much less care for my children or the household, bills & banking or even get a dinner prepared. I feel like sleeping constantly & if I force myself to stay awake, I would sit in the rocking chair, watching the world go on around me & simply emotionless. At that point, I may as well be placed into an institution BC I am worthless to the jobs that I have to do on a daily basis & I wish to be conscious while trying to do them, which I couldn’t even barely walk or type while on them, much less drive in that condition. She was also one that diagnosed me with having Bipolar disorder, but again, without any mania & no questions allowed. “Don’t cut me!” She dismissed me as her patient when I told her that I refused to take these other meds as well. That was when I encountered the OB/GYN while on the hunt for yet another Provider. Suboxone has definitely saved my life- I know this as fact, but now that my mind has been given the time to possibly be able to be repaired from the damage that I caused my opiate receptors; I want to at least TRY to move on from it. If I cannot, like Barbara stated in her post, it will be her & Suboxone for life. I am not saying that will not be me in a few months, but I never know unless I try it. So that is my current decision & where I am with my situation. I am trying to let God handle this one for me as I have turned it over to Him & when I went into see the provider yesterday, my intentions were not necessarily to choose to go off of it altogether, but somehow He (the Lord) intervened & helped make that decision for me. I pray that it was not too impulsive, but as I keep saying, I always have the option of going back onto it, if need be. I really put a lot of trust into this doctor & have done everything that he has asked of me, other than stopping the very high dosage of the antidepressant that was causing me to feel sick while taking it. He told me that I do not follow instructions, but if I cannot voice my opinion about how I am feeling while on these scripts, then its quite difficult to trust his instructions. I am aware of the fact that I DO have a big time trust issue with doctors. My track history has not necessarily been an easy one, but I have continued on my journey of recovery despite these setbacks & am hoping that I am able to do this without the Suboxone any longer. Okay, I have to get out the door to this appointment regarding my headaches, but shall return to take my children to another appointment today to get their immunizations & physicals before returning (or starting back to) school. I will keep you all posted about how this is going & am always open for suggestions, PLEASE??

Talk with you all soon!

Okay, today is Saturday & I never had the chance to copy & paste this post over to the forum, so I will just continue to go from where I left off. I went to my family doctor & he placed me on a blood pressure medication, which has just been an inevitable for me as my BP goes up so high at times that it feels as if the top of my head is going to blow up, as I am turning red in the face & chest as well as having my hands going numb. At first, they only placed me on it during times of detox, but this has still been an issue & one that I have just ignored, blaming it all on stress. Yet, it VERY hereditary within my family as my Father was on 3 separate meds for his BP before the age of 30. My brother also has issues with his & he is merely 32 years old, as well as my Mother being on medication for hers as well, despite that hers began later in life. That seems to make quite a bit of sense to me of why I am having these headaches. He also gave me a script of 20 Tramadol, also known as Ultram, which I do know has the potential to be habit forming, so we are being particularly careful about how many I receive as well as only using them as a last resort & as the BP medication begins to do its job, hopefully, I will no longer need anything stronger than my Excedrin when I do get a headache. I appreciated the concern for my well being from my doctor about not giving me 50 of them with several refills as he usually does with my meds. That way, I do not have the temptation to go to them first instead of my Tylenol or Excedrin. That is usually my order- I begin with Tylenol, if it doesn’t help, I try the Excedrin Migraine, then if it does not work, I go to the Motrin 800 & when that wasn’t helping, I still had the script from my car accident on July 5th (of only 20 as well) & would use them as a very last resort. I certainly do not wish to add yet another addiction to my plate, as I am sure that you can all understand. I have taken them as little as possible. The doctor at the hospital told me that they are not narcotic, but I know that they are only one molecule away from being one. I still try to do my research about what drugs I am putting into my body. My next step is to make these appointments with getting the mammogram done & biopsy it yet once again. Also, I have the referral to go ahead & make the appointment with the surgeon regarding my umbilical hernia. I am trying to wait to have this surgery depending upon whether or not they are also going to remove the lump from my breast, as it sounds like that is the plan, but I would much rather have them done together, if at all possible, to get it all handled in one visit. I tried to schedule the time for the mammogram today, but being that it is Saturday, I doubt that they have anyone in there to schedule these appointments. At least I have gotten the ball rolling by leaving them a message with what I need to have done & letting them know that I need to make an appt. for these issues, along with my telephone number so that I am not able to procrastinate any longer about making these issues getting taken care of doing. I will still call back on Monday morning to make sure that I can get an appt. for ASAP BC I do not want them over my head any longer. I am trying to slowly, but surely, knock out everything that needs taken care of with me off the list. Then, upon receiving those results, I will call the surgeons office with what exactly needs to be operated on & to plead with them about doing it all at once, if both need to be done. I know that the hernia does, but I am unsure of the breast issue at this point. I know that they want it removed, but don’t know if that will happen for sure or not at this point. It obviously will be if it is causing danger to me, but if it is simply a mass, then I don’t know when they will make that decision for removal. Slowly, but surely getting it all handled.

SO… the next appointment is to the pediatrician’s office for all 3 kids. All 3 of them are perfectly healthy other than my 2 youngest kiddos are very underweight. They have not gained a pound since their last visit there. I have scheduled an appointment for them in 2 months for a weight check-up & they are hoping for at least a one pound weight gain at that point to avoid being sent to an endocrinologist. They are concerned about why they are remaining so light when they do eat so very often. But, here comes the fun part of the visit. All 3 kids had to get shots to get them up to date. I knew that the 2 youngest ones would be due for at least one shot, but did not know about Nadine. Here to find out that Matty (just turned 4 yrs old) had to actually get 4 of them, Caroline (now just 5) had to get 3 of them, and then it was Nadine’s turn, which she is nearly 16 years old. She was actually also due for 3 of them. One for meningitis & pertussis, one for a tetanus shot & one for the newest immunization called “Gardisil” that prevents 60% of cervical cancer as well as most types of genital warts that can be obtained by sexual activity. She absolutely freaked out!! I don’t just mean panicked, I am talking about a major temper tantrum where she was screaming at the top of her lungs & stating that she was walking out of the office, never to return. I blocked the door & told her that she did not have an option in this matter, etc, etc, etc. It was such a tantrum that the nurses were sticking their heads in the doorway to make sure that everything was okay & even the doctor himself came back in to explain to her why she needed to have these shots done & she even yelled at the doctor that she was NOT having any shots done. She didn’t care about the chances of these diseases, if God wanted her to die of them, then he would just go ahead & take her, etc. Then she started throwing numbers like it says that it is only good for 90% of the population, therefore, 1 in 10 can still get it, etc. The doctor ended up telling me that the shots had been pre-mixed & once they have been mixed, they are only good for 24 hours & being that it was a Friday evening & they don’t work over the w-ends, they would no longer be good over the w-end, in case she changed her mind. He also informed that he could not restrain her to give them to her due to her age & that he would do what he could to have the insurance cover the medications that had already been mixed, but most likely, I would have to be billed for them. That didn’t matter to me nearly as much as her not receiving the shots at all, as I could pay him $5.00 per month for the rest of my life if I had to do so to cover the costs, but her attitude & the fact that she was refusing shots that could save her life, well you can imagine that I was more than just a little pissed, embarrassed, and had those hot tears in my eyes that I couldn’t hold back BC my oldest child was acting worse than my 2 younger ones who had just had as many or more shots than what she did & were no longer even crying, except for Caroline who thought that her older sister was going to die. I drove home in absolute silence, chain smoking & singing along to whatever the heck was on the radio to just try to control my anger. At home, she decided that she wanted to talk about it all & BC she stated that she had plans for the night, she would like to for me to come up now to have this conversation. I explained to her that when you act like you are 2 years old, then you do NOT have any plans & that I was beyond angry. I usually control my anger very, very well, but last night, I simply snapped at her. This has been a difficult week with her already as she was transported to the Children’s Hospital by ambulance for a mere bee sting BC no one was home to sign off on her being taken to the hospital after she went to the neighbor’s house in a panic attack, where they called EMS. So, upon arriving at the hospital, every doctor walked in & said, “It’s just a bee sting…” No allergic reactions, no need for any medications, she laughed the entire way up in the ambulance & this situation already had me on edge with her. Yet, after the doctor’s appointment yesterday & how she acted, I was simply raging!! So, after talking to her at her request last night & she realized that I was not going to allow her to do anything even remotely close to “her plans” she decided that maybe she could handle the shots after all. I immediately called the doctor’s office back, despite that it was already 5:30 & they close at 5 & it was a Friday night, of course, I got the answering service. I asked to please check to see if the doctor was still there, as I knew that he was running late due to my family as it was & if there was any possible way that I could speak to him. She could not get through to him, or any of his staff. But by the grace of God, he was still there & figured out that it was me that had called, he did indeed call me back. I pleaded with him to please let me bring her back up there or to meet him there today for only a short amount of time so that these shots were not wasted. He told me that if I could have her up there within a half of an hour, then he would still be there, if not, he would be gone. Mind you, it is a half an hour drive anyways & Friday night rush hour. I went 90 miles per hour to get her there & she went in & received the shots, after a huge apology to him from her & me both. It was so ridiculous that I was still fuming. We got back home & I laid into her little arse like I never have before & hope to never have to do so again. I let her know who is in charge here & scared the living crap out of her when I grabbed her up & made sure that she understood the “chain of command” & who was the parent & who was still the underage daughter. I believe that the point was very well taken. She was in fear & that was what I needed to instill into her from me, as she had been thinking that she ran the show around here recently. She is absolutely kissing my butt today & came in last night to curl up with me & let me know how much she loves me, etc. I have set down some new boundaries with her that I have never had to retreat to using before. We’ll see how long & how much fear that I actually did instill by her future actions. But it is like I have a newly adjusted attitude from her today about everything, even the chores that I am piling onto her & the help that I am requesting from her with the children. Nothing too hard, but normally things that she would be putting off or throwing fits about doing. She is no longer going to walk on me as I am her biggest supporter & go to bat for her on a constant basis trying to keep the peace between her & Matt. Despite that she thinks that I always side with him, that is the furthest thing from the truth & she now KNOWS this. So, with all of this being said, I am going to stop rambling about a teenager & her attitude problems.

I am very tired right now, but am still feeling pretty well & need to get moving as I have sat here all morning long writing away when I need to be getting things accomplished. Thank you all for listening to all of my issues as I am simply just trying to check in, but have instead written you all a novel.

Thank you,
Beth I love you

Subject: Re: Beth Checking In Sat 20 Aug 2011, 12:28 pm

Happy Saturday!
My absolute favorite day of the week. Yesterday was a long day as one of my nieces is having another baby in September and months ago I made a promise to her that I would make her one of those diaper cakes. It's made up of diapers and different baby items.
I spent most of the day on it but had to take a break because my house turned into grand central station. I finally got it done at 4am and was up again at 8:00 to put the finishing touches on it. She is having a baby shower this after at 1 so I have about 10 minutes before I have to head out of the door.

So once again I will have to come back and respond to your post Beth. It seems like that is all I do lately, log in and never have time to post as I want/need to. I won't make any promises as to when I will be back because every time that I do, it is much later.
Take care and enjoy the day.
Dee

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