In Recovery for One year. Congratulations!

Beth just mentioned on another post that our Cathy aka/samigirl has been one year without opiates.
Congratulations Cathy!
That is wonderful news. You are a success story and we are so proud of you. I know this past year hasn't been an easy one for you, but I don't think you expected it to be either.
With your permission of course, I'd like to publish your story on our Suboxone Assisted Treatment Website. We need to get more success stories out there to show people that recovery is possible. To show people that We are not the stereo type of the forever using drug addict.
Enjoy your weekend Cathy, you really deserve it.
Yours in Recovery
Dee

Hi Dee, Thank you for the congrats. That really means alot. I couldn't even collect my one year chip from NA. My cover was blown recently that I am on Suboxone. But I mention to a couple of people in NA and AA that I might not be clean by their standards but I and the people that support me consider me clean. I have other good news, I graduate from my drug counseling group in two weeks. I been going to that for over two years trying to get clean and I finally made it. I would love to write out my story. I am flatter that you would even ask me that. I just don't know where to begin it. I had a love afair with opiods for my whole adult life. In my teen years it was street drugs. A year ago before the Suboxone I was waiting to die. My boyfriend would try to get me out of bed and I used to tell him I just wanted to die. I would wake up and start crying because I didn't want to wake up to another day. I can't believe that was only a year ago. I didn't think there was any hope I just gave up. Thank God my boyfriend pushed me to get on Suboxone because I didn't think that was going to change a thing. WAS I WRONG! THANK GOD! I think I would have been dead with a grieving boyfriend, dogs and family. From last year till now my life is 95% better. I can't believe I just wrote all this. Anyways Dee I hope you enjoy your Sunday and again THANK YOU! Love Cathy

Hi Cathy,
I just wanted to let you know again how very proud of you I am & I also wanted to see if I could put a picture into my posts. I was thinking of the sunset for you, as you are getting close to your graduation from your class, as well! I will write more with you later my friend, but I wanted to see if this would work or not.
Dee, if you see this post, I think that I've gotten it figured out. "it's all good in the hood.." haha
Love you girls,
B

Hi Cathy,

I know what you mean about wanting to die. I felt the same way before I got into recovery. I wanted to, but got so scared it was going to happen. My mind back then was like a bowl of over done speghetti. Like you, the only thing that kept me going was my Mom and my animals. I was all they had and if something happened to me, they would really suffer. I had to pull it together for their sake.

I'm so glad you made a year. I know how you feel about A.A. and N.A. I went to both of them for years. This month I have eighteen years without a drink of alcohol. No matter what anybody says, they can't take that away from me. Even My A. A. sponsor out in Texas says I can only do what I can for this day and let tomorrow and other people take care of themselves.

I'm real glad for you.
Love,
Barbara

Hi Cathy.
Good morning love! How are you doing? How are Jon & the dogs? Keeping you running all over Gods green earth... Now, just to get those dogs to head for the Cleveland area. We are going to make this a reality, without the dogs, of course. I'll leave my babies home & you leave the dogs with Jon. We could be the next "Thelma & Louise" (except that I no longer want to drive off the side of that cliff, as I did for so many wasted years) Now I want to live & live life to its fullest. Actually enjoy being alive rather than wishing that I were dead due to my now "maintained opiate addiction"-like you mentioned above, can you believe that it was only just over a year ago that we were ready to throw in the towel & wished for death? Look at how very far we have come, my very dear friend! I am so proud of you!! Really I am proud of both of us, as well as every other addict out there that has taken the rough road of recovery, thus to excel & change our entire lives!
Do you remember when we were first getting to know each other & had been posting back & forth for only a short time, then I just decided for the first time to write out my story to someone. I'd always answered questions & gave honest replies regarding my past, but had never actually sat down & told someone the whole entire ordeal. That was you that I began telling my story to, everyday was like another chapter. I remember then one day, I didn't say anything about it within one of our posts & you replied to me, "when are you going to finish telling me your story?" You told me that I should write a book. You also said that you hurried up to get to the computer each day to read more about that horrific past of mine. You made me feel comfortable enough to talk about it, thus finally getting it out of my head alone. That was when I knew that we had something special! I wanted to talk to you & tell you about it, as I now considered you a true friend! You have never disappointed me as a friend. (or for anything) But I was always so leary about getting too close to anyone, especially a woman. Now, I look at my life & the majority of my friends are women (and also mainly on here) as we both know about how we had to cut off close friendships in order to keep our own sobriety. Speaking of that real quickly, did I tell you about seeing Jennifer a few weeks back? I know that I'd mentioned something to Dee about it all, but I don't think that I ever got to tell you about that incident. I will though, don't you worry!! I think that I've handled the situation quite well since then also. I won't go into the details of that throughout this post, but I will either PM you or something.
I'm going to close this up for now, but as always, I look forward to hearing back from you!!
Again, kudos to you on your one year of no opiates!!
You deserved that coin & I am really sorry that they neglected to give it to you! That is just not right in my book. But all I can say is, look at how very far you have come & you don't need a coin to prove that to yourself or anyone else for that matter, but you do deserve it, none the less. As Dee mentioned above, this situation with the AA and/or NA really frustrates & angers me due to every sitution being different. Either way, WE ALL KNOW JUST HOW VERY FAR YOU HAVE COME! Great job Cathy!
Love you so much,
B

Hi Barbara, Thank you for your words. It's nice to know that I was not the only one with those kinds of feelings and knowing we can get past them. How is your summer going? It must be very humit there. I hope you don't get caught up with those tropical storms.
Hey Beth, I still can't believe how far we came in a year. Thank God you never drove off that cliff! We have to come up with better nick names for ourselves. Maybe Laverne and Sherly you might be too young to remember that tv series. I think Barbara and Dee would know what show I am talking about. I am truly humble and flatter that you wanted to tell me your story first. I will do the same for you. I just have to get my brain unmuttle. You did tell me about Jennifer unless you ran into her again. Remember when I told you Alice called me up to buy some Avon products from me. Well, that bit me right in the butt! She called me up to pick her order up and she had the nerve to ask for pills. I told her I been clean for a year, then she asked me if I could ask Jon if she could buy some of his painpills. When I told her I or Jon could not help her she got pretty mad. So I will be sending her order back to the company. I guess she thought if she had that order hanging over my head I would give into her. She is in bad withdrawal right now and she can not fill her script till Monday. It sure is going to be a long weekend for her. Oh Well to bad where was she when I went into withdrawal. I feel just alittle guilty and sorry for her but maybe this will be her rock bottom. Sorry I am going on about this but it did trigger me today. Oh yea! Can Matt handle the kiddo's on his own for a few days? I am sooo looking forward to our trip. Call me if you get a chance! Only a few more days before the 24! Love Your BFF, Cathy

Cathy,
I want to let you know that what you are doing concerning your late best friend. I say late because that is what I think of her. She is late for recovery but not too late.
She knows that you are in recovery and had no business contacting you the way that she did, unless it would be for information on how to get the help she so desperately needs.
Don't feel guilty. You did not put her in the situation that she is in now. She did. I am proud of you for recognizing your trigger, and the strength you have shown to "stay away."
Keep up your great work. we are all proud of you.
Dee

Hi Cathy,

Yes, we are having thunderstorms in the afternoons. They said there was over 3,000 strikes of lightening in one hour! It gets really scary. My dogs follow me from room to room like a little group of dogs. Poor Baby, my Yorkie shakes violently from being scared. I'll carry her around so she'll feel safe.

Sorry about your friend. You'll probably never hear from her again. Unless she wants your help. This is probably in the back of her mind when she gets for real. I just wanted you to know I'm proud of you. You did more for her than you know. She'll look at you and know there's a better way. I hope she makes it to recovery.

Good night for now. I've had one of my days and can't wait to cover up the birds and go out and check on the horses and go to bed. I've got a small gig tomorrow afternoon. It's overtime, so it's worth it. Doesn't someone in your family do trade shows? This is what I do.

Thanks for your thoughts and kindness.
Love,
Barbara

Hi Barbara, My dogs do the same thing. They all try to climb in my lap. Mind you I am only 4ft 11 inches tall and weight about 110 lbs and I have 5 dogs crawling all over me. You can try putting cotton balls in their ears just don't forget to take them out. Does your horses get spooked in that kind of weather? As for my friend, Her Husband just called me asked again for pills and he told me she is in a lot of pain right now. He can usually intimadate me into getting them what ever they wanted. But I stood up to him and told him she wasn't getting any pills or Suboxone from me and Jon. I told him where was she when I had to go thru withdrawals and I got so sick I had to be hospitalize. She was no where to be found. Hopefully you are right the next time she calls me she will ask for the right kind of help. Jon does trade shows but they are differnt from your shows. The ones he does are hunting and archery and guns. I hope tomorrow you have an easy day at work. Thanks for listening to me rant and rave. Love, Cathy

Hi Dee, Thank you for your vote of confidence. I liked your saying about (my late best friend). I think it will be along time before she ask me to help her to get into recovery. It's obvious to me now that she does not believe that I been clean for a whole year without relasping. As I mention to Barbara in the above post to her. That Alice's husband called me tonight looking for painkillers for her. He told me I must have something around that would help her. I could hear her in the background freaking out and yelling because she started realizing I was not giving into him like I usually do. I am afraid of him. He's want-a-be bad a"" type guy. My counsler mention before that I might need a court order to keep her and her husband away from me. I might have to look into that Monday. I think Beth is right. Writing all this stuff out does help plus I get great feed back. Well Dee, I hope you enjoy your weekend and thank you for all your input it does relieve my stress. Love, Cathy

Hi Cathy,

Thanks for the reply. Dee's right. Start talking about God to them and they won't call again. This always does the trick for me. I've just have a few minutes before getting ready for work, but wanted to spend them with you guys.

My horses will stay in the barn when it's storming. I leave the gait open so they can come out if they want to.

Well, it's off to Dismal World (Disney) This is what we call it. They have so many rules for us union workers.

Have a lovely day. Stay as sweet as you are. Take care.
Love,
Barbara

Hi Cathy, Dee & Barbara,
How are you all doing this Saturday morning? Is everyone hanging in there? We have also been having severe thunderstorms here as well. Tornado warnings almost everyday this past week. The skies look odd, not the "normal" thunderstorm clouds. We've had alot of home damages & trees/limbs down all over the place. That may have sounded wrong, as WE personally haven't had any home damage ourselves. Thank God because it's been all around us.. We have a black lab, Chloe, and unlike your dogs, she has no problems with the storms whatsoever. (as long as she's not outside while it's coming down!) But she's mainly an indoor dog, as you know how they become part of the fam!! But as Cathy mentioned, cotton balls in their ears does help out, as I have heard that before as well.
Cathy, I cannot believe the nerve of Alice, as well as her husband. I'm so proud that you sent that Avon order back, as she now has no reasoning to contact you at all. I agree with the others that if she still continues to call & show up asking/begging/pleading for pills, you need to get the law involved. You could let her know that ahead of time also, so that she has fair warning & knows how very serious you really are about this. Most likely, she won't want the legal issues that could put her in a real bind as an active addict. You know what I mean? She could face more potential problems than just having to stay away from you & your family due to her drug abuse. I am going to simply throw this out to you because I know that you harbor resentment towards her for not being there for you while you were going into recovery, but have you possibly suggested to her the success you've had due to the Suboxone? Maybe she won't want to go through this type of misery any longer & could take it as a lesson towards desiring recovery herself. But you know that you cannot do it for her, as no one could do it for us, she has to want it! From the sounds of it, she does not want it at all, but you could tell her that is the only thing that you could help her with- only if she desires recovery... Like I said, its just a mere thought, but she maybe sick & tired of being "sick & tired" all of the time.
Barbara, It's good to hear from you & to know that your seeming to feel better. Has your depression been lifting for you at all? I hope that your doing well.
Dee, I'm sorry because I have to close this post up like ten minutes ao, but I will be back later on to catch up with all of you more thoroughly!! (tell you more later!)

Love to you all,
B

Hi,

Yes Beth, I am feeling a bit better. I uped my medication to 8 milligrams and what a difference! As you all know my main goal has been to taper off completely, but after over a year at 2 to 4 milligrams a day has been torture. You would think my system would have settled in by now. I took the 8 milligrams today and didn't have any problems with depression or energy. I'll have a talk with my doctor and see what he has to say. He has pretty much let me say what I want to do and supports me.

Well, I'm going to bed. I worked the full four hours today when I thought we would be done in two. I came home to cook dinner and take care of the animals. It's real nice to have you guys to vent to. You are all very much appreciated.

Love,
Barbara

Hi Ladies, I hope everybody had a great day. Barb, How was work today? I liked what you said about "just start talking about God" and they won't call you back. Beth, how are you doing? As for Alice I did offer to help her to find recovery but she told me, me being on Suboxone is no differnt than her being on the oxys she said Suboxone can be abuse and she is not so sure if she believes me that I never abuse them. So clearly she does not want my help to get clean. She just wants me to produce the pills for her.So I think I deserve to be alittle resentful towards her. Which means this thirty plus year friendship is over. As you can see I am still upset I don't want anybody reading this to think I am a b@@@@. I just need to vent and get this out of my system. My stomach is in knots and I just need to get past this. Dee, You are a sweetheart! Your card couldn't have come at a better time! Thank You soo much for thinking of me! I think you should get promoted from forum moderater to motivatial speaker for MMT and the company that makes Suboxone. You really have a passion for people in recovery! Thank you Ladies for letting me rant and rave again. I hope everybody enjoys their Sunday. Love, Cathy

Cathy I'm sure that anyone that reads this post would agree with me that you are not being anything but honest.
When you go into recovery it is necessary for success that you eliminate those around you that continue to use.
You cannot be around someone that calls you her friend, and in the next breath asks you for your husbands pain pills. She is no friend and I can tell you from experience that she would like nothing better than to have you relapse. If she can get you back into her circle of friends she will have another outlet for pills.
I have seen it happen many times. You have made it perfectly clear to her that you are in recovery. When the phone rings check your caller I.D. if you have one, if it is her don't answer the phone. Keep the record of her calls on the I.D. If you have to turn it over to the police you will have evidence of her phone calls. That is considered harassment. I wish you luck with her. I will keep you in my prayers.
You are very welcome for the card my friend. You have come a long way. I know that you weren't able to get your coin from the meetings, I wanted you to know that we are thinking of you.
Dee

Hello ladies,
How is everyone doing on this beautiful Sunday morning? I love it when I come onto here in the mornings & see that members have all been posting back & forth, as it should be, in my opinion. I loved reading all of the encouragement that has been sent Cathy's way, as she certainly deserves it!
Cathy, as you already know what I think of you & your recovery, I just say to you- "Congrats & Full Steam Ahead" my very dear friend. And yes, if you have already attempted to speak to Alice about Suboxone & recovery and that is still her attitude towards you, then I do not blame you whatsoever for harboring resentment towards her & her pessimism regarding your own recovery. As we all know, Suboxone cannot be abused. I shouldn't say that, as I'm sure that people do, but you cannot feel any better taking more & more & more. It's simply a waste of money to take more, as well as Dee's saying about "less is more" with this medication. You already know these things, I know, but obviously Alice doesn't, nor does she seem to care. She just needs to be completely gone- cut out of your & Jon's lives for good! (unless one day she decides that recovery might be an option for her?!?) Which it doesn't sound like that is going to be any time soon! I am glad that you received Dee's card, as she was angry that you weren't able to receive your coin for your one year of recovery. (so am I, as you know how I feel about that whole situation) But when Dee mentioned sending you a little something, I was happy to get her your address. Although, this is going to sound like a funny question, but I don't even know your last name!?! I had also sent you a little gift, but it was returned to me. I have tried to re-send it, so I am in hopes of you receiving it this time! This time, I addressed it to "Cathy, my friend (with Jon)" so that the postal service might be able to figure it out this time?? If it gets returned again, then I definately need your last name...
Hello again Ms. Barbara!! Your back!! Yeah! I am so happy to hear that your depression is lifting & that your feeling more like your old self. I've missed that Barbara! As you know, when I first joined the forum, you & Dee were pretty much the only ones on there at that time & we got pretty close real quickly. I finally had found a place where the people on here understood me & were full of active advice, as well as friendship. This forum has been my mainline to recovery, as I don't really have the options to go to meetings or into treatment, this was my "inpatient treatment" & I rely heavily on all of your advice & experiences. You were a God send to me, this entire forum was. Dee & Deborah were the only other members back then that were posting & I have a special bond with the three of you for that reason. You all reached out your hands & hearts to me to pull me from MY black dismal hole of depression. Then, as Cathy came along shortly afterwards, I finally had the confidence to tell her about me & my quite ugly past. We formed an instant bond! But all that I had done was the very same things that you, Dee & Deborah did for me. Other than I just dumped "my story" into Cathy's lap. I wish that I had written it out in one complete post, so that I could've put into the "Suboxone Stories" but as it was, I found it very comforting & much more feasible to write it almost chapter by chapter to Cathy in seperate posts. I couldn't believe that I was actually sharing these kind of details in a post that everyone could read, as you might remember, I was still full of so much shame & guilt that I didn't realize that I had been a different person back then, while those oh so ugly events were occuring, not the person that I am today. You helped me see & understand that I was not alone, such as topics as us both belonging to the "CIA" & the way that guilt was "brainwashed" into us. And as for the fact of an Irishman drinking beer, what addiction? It's just beer! As long as we were at Mass on Sunday.. You know what I am saying.. Barb, you have so much to offer & I have honestly missed your passionate posts to me that always made me smile with your dry sarcasm & humor, just like mine. I have missed your closeness & want you to know that I care about you very much. My hopes for you are the same that I have for everyone of us, but for inner peace & serenity. Secure with who we are today & proud to have made it here! Please, pretty please, even with sugar on top, keep in touch with me. Continue to let me know how you are getting along- you were the one who told me that "a problem talked about is a problem half solved!" Remember way back then? Keep in touch my very missed friend!
Hello Dee, Well, what can I say to you that you don't already know? Thank you so much for being there to listen to me cry about the petty details of relationship issues, doctors issues, & any or every ordeal that I daily tell you about. You are such a special person that I could never attempt to put it into words. I tried when I was talking about how well you did with your schooling, but the only word that always comes to mind is SuperWoman. As you know, due to me telling you a thousand times, but you are an inspiration to me, an angel that I think God sent directly into my path to get me going on the "right" path & way of thinking. I admire qualities about you that I don't feel that I possess. Such as being able to just say what you are thinking & letting people know what you will or will NOT tolerate. Such an example would be when you closed your counselors laptop. I love it. When I sat there & fumed inside, seeing red that "Dough Boy" (my required counselor back when I was seeing Dr. B*) setting his egg timer for the exact 45 minutes, after I had just sat there & waited on him to see the patient that was scheduled after me first. He said that he didn't see me sitting out there!?!? So I "patiently" waited, as this was the only way that I could receive my script for the Suboxone, so what choice did I have? Then, after setting that timer, he fumbles around with trying to find the proper papers that he wants to give me for ten minutes, which is a copied piece of paper stating the Twelve Steps & the proper way to go about finding a sponser. Are you freaking kidding me? And not to even mention that the cost of this session is $145.00, for 45 minutes? But yet again, what choice did I have? I needed my Suboxone. I only saw him just enough to receive my monthly script, then usually cancelled all the others. I was still trying to get into where I am still going now, where my beloved Andy is... Please keep her in your prayers this week, as she has had to take the week off due to her father having major surgery. She's a wonderful counselor, exactly who I needed the entire time. Yet, I didn't have her the whole time, while I had you, Cathy, Barbara, Deborah, Mez(?) right here with me throughout the entire ordeal. Thank you all!
Now, as you know, I still miss Mez very much & haven't heard a word from her in a very long time. Does anyone have her email address that they could forward to me, as she is not checking her PMs any longer either. Or even her mailing address that I could send her a little card to let her know that I am still constantly thinking of her. If anyone does have either of these addresses, please, please, please send them my way! Thank you gals!
I am now going to close this post up so that I can spend some time with my family. I will talk to you all shortly, I hope.
Love you all very much,
B

Good morning gals,
Guess what? Today is the 24th. I made it! I finally have my appointment at 2:15 this afternoon. I'm really nervous & have my "stress belly" going on. I keep having to run to the bathroom & couldn't sleep well at all. Cathy, yes you right about this being my third doctor. I praying to God that this one is "The ONE." I want to get it all worked out & actaully have a doctor again, but I am always nervous about change as well. I have all of these "what ifs" type questions going through my mind. I keep trying to remember that I am not in control of everything. This is my horoscope for the day. Is this weird or what?
"You're about to embark on an extraordinary opportunity or relationship. Be receptive and open to the influences that are intent on presenting you with experiences that will shape your mind, body and soul if only you are willing to relax your sense of control and deal with what comes your way. There's no need to decide one way or the other what your course of action will be. Instead, watch, wait and listen for your golden chance."
I guess what I took from that was that the doctor is going to have the ultimate control over this situation & I will have to deal with it accordingly. I'm just trying to relax & take things as they come, but that could change in ten minutes just as easily. (that roller coaster of emotions)
Cathy, I surely hope that I didn't upset you for giving Dee your address, but I knew that she had that card & wanted it to be a surprise, so I did get it from you, but not really trying to be sneaky because I had something to send you as well & truly did want to MapQuest so that we might find a "middle ground" that we can meet up there. I just didn't mention anything about Dee or her card to you in that post so that it'd remain a much needed surprise! But I wouldn't just give it to anyone, as I figured you surely wouldn't mind getting mail from Dee. I hope that "it's all good in the hood" as Jessica would say. Has anyone heard anything from Jess in awhile? I remember reading that her home computer wasn't working right now & its so risky for her to post while at work. I miss her though & hope she pops back in shortly! She has done so well. It was like a transformation right before our very eyes, from being so very sad & lonely to this bright shining butterfly who is once again loving life! God bless her, as well as all of us for continuing to get through each & every day!
Dee, did you ever find out any more about all the commotion with the police & dogs, etc from the other night? You had me wicked scared at first! How is all going for you? Have you heard anything back from that job application? Do you have the option to continue schooling rather than work for the benefits? That would be the route to take, in my own opinion, yet, I understand needing money just as well. I'm still applying for a part time evening job all over the place. People are just holding onto their jobs right now or companies are cutting out employees due to the economy these days. I even put in an application to the "Dollar General" store & spoke with the manager. She told me that she had to go to a meeting on Wed. with Corporate to see if they could afford to hire another person, as they had one that just left, thus making me think that they had a position available, but as she stated, the stores are cutting down on the hours that they can offer employees. We'll see how it all works out. I looked through the Sunday classifieds & saw that a local (20 minutes away) restaurant/bar needs a bartender/server. It is an upscale establishment, but I always am concerned about getting back into the bartending business. I'm going to at least check it out. Who knows- maybe it would be the "dream job" at the moment. Not to mention that you know how badly I'd like to get back into school. Oh yeah, listen to this. I forgot to tell you gals that "The Dentist" called me several times last week, but I still refused to answer his calls. Yet, there was one time that I was on the other line & he beeped in, but I didn't check to see who it was before clicking over & it was him! His first words to me were "Oh my God! Your still alive! When can I see you?" I sat there basically speechless. I had no idea what to say to him. This is actually going to sound like I'm truly screwed up in the head, but it was almost nice to hear his voice & laughter again. Not that I have any plans of seeing him or continuing to have phone conversations, but it was weird to me that this man who has basically ruined over a decade of my life still had that effect on me to desire his friendship. Maybe that's not the right way of saying it, I don't want to remain friends with him, it was more that I couldn't say anything to him like "Hey- look at the position you put me in & all that I have done to protect you & your dental practice, as well as your marriage!" I still didn't have the nerve to tell him to go to hell! You don't feed a sixteen year old girl Vicodin & Valium, then sleep with her while we're off in another state playing softball, as he was my coach from the age of 13 to 18, then at 19, I began working for him for the next several years. Protect the abuser? Boy, am I ever sick in the head. I even went to prison due to this man, for not "telling on him"- I took all the blame. I guarantee that I'd never in a million years do that again. He's a doctor, he took an oath. Not to mention how long I had known him at that point, which was around 14 years, and how long he'd been giving me pills, about eleven or twelve years. At the time I felt like this was completely my own fault for being the addict in the first place & didn't want him to lose everything, such as his dental license, dental building, several real estate apartments, condos & office buildings that he owns, as well as his marriage & reputation all because of me! I didn't honestly believe that they'd put me into prison if I didn't tell, but the way that it worked out, I spent seven months locked up. I was at four different locations throughout those seven months. This is also coming from a small town country girl who had never even been close to being arrested. To walk into a Maximum Security State Prison was enough to put me into shock for the first several months, if not the entire time, just not to the same degree as at the beginning. I also couldn't believe that the State would allow men to be the guards for women, or that a woman guard wasn't around or present, but that's not the way that it works here. I have to say this though- the men guards were usually nicer than any female officers I ever happened to come across. I'd say that there were 50 men for every one woman guard in these facilities. It was horrible because they were an all buddy-buddy system & gave each other opportunities to be alone with any of the women inmates. They can do what they want. They can come into the bathrooms to "check on" inmates, as well as the showers, as there are no doors on either the toilet stalls or in the showers. It's just one square room with a drain down the center of the floor for all of the water that came from five shower heads on each side. Which means you could potentially be showering with, at the very least, 10-15 other inmates as well. Then to have the guards come in there to say that they want to make sure that everyone is following the rules. while their eyes are looking us up & down. They even had the right to strip search us & "bend over, squat & then have to pull your butt cheeks apart" just to make sure!?!?!?! It isn't right! Men are still men, despite whatever uniform they are in at the time!! There needs to be some sort of law against this type of situation, but the way that they look at it is, you (me) are the one who got yourself here, deal with it! If you don't like it, don't come back! There were actually some decent ones as well, but you never knew who was who. At least I didn't because I never got too settled at one place before they moved me yet again. It was a good thing to get moved, as that meant that you were no longer with the entire prison population, they sort of divided you by your crime. So that meant that I got moved away from all of the violent offenders & was permitted more "freedom" than where I had been. I "only" spent 42 days at the Maximum Security facility, then I was moved closer to home, but it was much nicer than the place I'd come from. In maximum security, everyone who enters the prison gets put into one big warehouse with close to 500 bunkbeds lining up & down the rows. They are so overfull, so there were at least that many women all living together in this one big room. There were no cells, everyone was just thrown in together, then they seperated you by your crime within the first 30 days. (or 42 in my case) You are then placed into a certain color of shirt that showed who was who. Examples are, when you first arrive & are staying in that first warehouse, you wear a blue shirt. When I was moved to another building, I was given a light green shirt to wear. (non violent, compliant inmate) Violent offenders wore bright hot pink shirts. Mental patients wore yellow. Inmates who wouldn't follow the rules or continued to cause problems within the prison were seperated into orange shirts. Younger inmates (under 21) were seperated & wore purple. (they are seperated for two reasons- the first being that they are targeted by "lifers" & the second reason being that they are more prone to act out violently, so they were kept completely seperate from everyone else, but most couldn't wait to get back into "general population" with everyone else!) There was a "boot camp" that inmates with longer sentences could apply for to get out sooner if they passed it. They wore fatigues & Army boots. They did not have a certain color for sex offenders, as that would make them a target to violence. Ohio does permit the death penalty, but there was only one woman that I ever knew of being in there. She had to wear black or so I was told, as I never saw her because she's not allowed out of her cell. Anyways, enough about all of that. I don't even know why that all came flying out today, but thank you guys for always listening. I believe that my anxiety disorder got much, much worse after enduring prison. I could never "let my guard down" to be able to relax, even during sleep, I felt like I had to always keep one eye open at all times. That was a hard experience & a quite severe consequence of my drug addiction. Thank God for letting that be in the past & for allowing me to make it through it. There were too many times to even count how I was planning on "offing" myself. But if you do attempt it, you better succeed or else your forced into "Solitary Confinement" (the hole!) so that they can watch you 24/7 & your allowed nothing that could potentially cause yourself harm with by having. So if that's your plan, you better be serious & do the job right or your life will be worse than the living hell that you thought you were already in. OK- I really am done talking about this. The ugly horrors of my past! It makes today & everyday that much brighter! It humbled me, more like broke me down, but I finally feel like I am slowly starting to rebuild that self esteem that I used to have, once upon a time. It really is improving, I think. Although, Dee, you told me the other day that I am always putting myself down & as I told you, Andy says the same thing, but I don't even realize that I am doing so. And how to change it! But I will, don't you worry! I'm sick of feeling like a turd all of the time. That's also why I brought that topic up to you about rebuilding our self worth. You replied so quickly with entire lists to work on improving that self loathing. Again, I thank you!
I don't know what I would do if I didn't have all of your friendships that I cherish for so many reasons. I've learned something from each one of you gals! And what truly great friends I have found!
Blessings to all of you today! (and everyday!) I am going to close this up for now & make sure I have everything ready to go. I'll check back in later to let you know how it goes with Lucky Dr. #3!! Thanks for being here for me throughout all of this. I don't know how I would've made it without all of your encouragement & support!
Love you gals,
B

Cathy,
This was the post that I thought that I had lost. I simply put it under the wrong post. Sorry for the confusion, as this is all old news by now.
Love you-
B

Hey Beth, I just posted to you somewhere else. But like I told you before you need to write a book. I sure would buy it! STAY AWAY FROM THAT CREEPY DENTIST! He hurt you before and he will try to suck you right back in again. Please be careful of him. Love, Your BFF, Cathy