I don't know that I can emulate the initial thoughts I had about dealing with the past, but I'll try.
The guilt that we feel when thinking about the things that we have done, all the wrongs etc. can be absolutely devastating to face when trying to rebuild your life. For me, after two months into my suboxone treatment I was hit with a tidal wave of thoughts of the past couple years and I was crushed and crippled with guilt. I couln't look any one in the eye, I could barely function, and all I wanted to do was tear myself out of my own skin. My mind would race without end and just being in my skin was unbearable.
Therapy helped to a point, but it was not nearly enough to help cope. The only way I was able to not go insane was to write to myself. I would sit and write letters to myself and I would write a lot of questions to myself. Then I would sit and really ponder of the true nature of the questions and answer them as brutally honest and no holds barred as I could.
What I was able to do through that was tear down my fundamental foundations and rebuild from scratch; only using what I found to be absolute truths about myself. I looked at how I viewed myself and saw that the last few years had far to much deception and I could not build on top of that.
How I put it was, I write my story, and there has been a madman scribbling all over the pages of my life the last few years. I took my story back and it will only continue with the solid foundation of things I was sure about myself; no lies any more.
I hope that makes some sense.
I repeatedly told myself this: "Don't think about where you should be right now. think about where you want to go from here. If you think about the past you will never see where you're headed." After all of that I was able to live in my own skin again.
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