Hi again Laura

[size=18]Hi Again Laura,

[/size] I looked back on my last post and since then has been both glorious and capturing the vision, even through the heart pain. I respectfully know about the heart pain and then there's the brain pain...oh yes, how wonderful it is to not feel it hurting the way it was. As each day goes by, you grow stronger and happier.

Sorry, the world just called me as it does so many times a day and I give thanks to this forum for guideing me in the right mind. I'm estatic to realize how much better I feel most of the time. There's things I'm going to have to grow through and it's not things that will be easy. I'm tempted to think how wonderful it would be if the pain would just shut off for four hours. I know what I would have to give up for that four hours of guilt and shame. I weigh out all the goodness I've found to be more wonderous each day. I had a mind to start looking around to know I don't walk or think like a opiate head anymore. It's like being happy where I am. Suboxone for whatever the matter has saved me from the wrong road and the wrong time. Life is given back to me as if somebody breathed my last breathe into my body and now I can breath on my own. I can't stop the car from breaking down, but I can be relieved to know I still have options. I can fix it or I can look forward to something new. Right now I'm doing the smart thing and fixing it. I've found all you can save helps with the financial thing now I pay for everything. When I was a con, I would not have any money problems. Staying on medicine cost a bunch. I wish they would give us lifers a break or anyone whom stays in treatment.

I promised myself I'd go to bed at a decent hour, so I'll say it's been fun. Let's look forward to tomorrow and another day of sunshine and broke down cars.
Yours in the struggle,
Barbara

Hi Barbara,

I'm glad I get e-mails when posts are made. I sometimes forget about this forum and the e-mails remind me.

I have now finished most of my classes and will have a lot of free time this summer. I'm so grateful for that. I'm still taking online classes with one school but that only occupies about 15-20 hours per week (as compared to the 60-70 hours I was studying during the spring semester).

Since I got laid off last November, I knew it would be hard to find work. So I figured, while I had the chance, I was going to take as many classes as possible. I went full-time to two schools, all online. One school is a community college and is not considered an online school but they offer online classes. It's in CT, the previous state I lived in. I have been going there since 2004 (on and off) and got all of the core classes that they don't offer online done, while I lived in CT. So now I switched my degree to general studies and am finishing up online. I also started with University of Phoenix working on my bachelors in psychology (all of the classes I take from the community college transfer over to Phoenix, so I'm only going to Phoenix for less than two years, it's so much cheaper that way). They have a different set up. Instead of taking semester long classes, I take one class at a time, that is very intensive and lasts for five weeks. As soon as one class ends I start another the next day. So, I said in Jan. I'm going to bust my *** and take as many classes as possible. I completed nine so far this year (and will be done with another one on Monday). So that's 10 classes in six months. I got straight As too (except for one, I got a B+). I've never done more than three at a time. I'm so proud of myself and I figured I would share that. I'm not really used to being proud of myself. I'm much more familiar with beating myself up with shame and guilt. So this is a nice change I'm still taking classes all summer with Phoenix. The semester classes are over. I'll start up four more in the fall.

All this year I've been planning on doing all kinds of things this summer- organizing everything, planning graduate school, deciding if I'm going to move, getting a solid social network, traveling, etc. So now it's here and it's been about two weeks since the bulk of my classes ended. I am not used to having so much time to myself and I kind of freaked out. I got so full of anxiety, I froze. I couldn't do anything except cry. That was last weekend and after talking it out with some people, letting myself cry, seeing my therapist, forcing myself to be productive and taking good care of myself, I'm feeling better. I wasn't expecting that at all. I guess I had just put so much effort into my schoolwork for so long, when the bulk of it ended it put the focus back on me and all of my unresolved issues and I freaked out.

I went to some meetings this week and have gotten back in touch with some people in my area who are great people. I'm kicking myself for losing touch with such wonderful people. There is a whole lot I need to work on. I'm just so grateful that I am where I'm at (clean and sober) with this chance, moving forward. It feels so good to work through my feelings and issues. It's hard, but I'm learning coping skills I never learned because I always covered it up with drugs. Progress.

Anyway, I'll be around and reading other people's posts. So many new members since I last logged on. That's great. It sounds like your doing good. You were tapering off right? How is that going?

Well, take care and I will be logging on much more often.

Thank you.

Peace and love,

Laura

Hi Laura,
My name is Beth & I responded to another post of yours just minutes earlier, but can relate to much of what you said here as well. Learning to sit with yourself, without a million duties to keep you running & your mind somewhat off of it. Then, when you have the time is when all the stress starts flying around. Anxiety & for me, not always knowing what to do with myself. I want to stay busy, but I don't know what I want to do.? I fully believe that my "idle hands are the devils way in" (or some saying closes to that!)
I've really been enjoying reading your posts & I see that we are closer to the same age, as for some reason, I was under the assumption that you were much younger. I know that your in school- what occupation are you looking to pursue? I admire & respect that you are in school & are doing very well with your grades. I'd been signed up to start classes this past January, after an eleven year break, but my financial aide did not work out for me. I do still plan on pursuing my degree though. I also have three kids. A 13 year old daughter, then an almost 3 yr old daughter, then an almost 2 yr old son. Nadine, Caroline & Matty-boy. I have pictures of them in my photo album on here. I really need to update some pictures though because they've changed soo much already since those were put on here. It's simply amazing how quickly they change & learn. I love that I can be here for & with them, despite my past...
Okay, I am closing this up now. Hope to talk with you more soon, especially if you have more time that your not sure what to do with. Keep those fingers on the keyboard or the telephone. Tell yourself how strong you really are to be fighting & winning this battle!!!
Strength & Hugs to you Laura!
B