Hearing from BrandyWK

Hi. I don't even know where to start. I feel like I'm drowning & don't know what to do. I am a stay at home "soccer mom" of 3 wonderful boys. I have a husband whom I am so thankful for & love so very much. My family is extremely close...I have two sisters who are my best friends, & the best mom in the world. My dad was my hero, which is where some of this nightmare begins. My fairytale world & storybook family was shattered 3 years ago when my dad unexpectedly passed away. It was a shock to all of us. My parents had been together since they were teenagers. He was only 61 when he died. I hate to use his death as an excuse to get hooked on pain pills, as I knew for a while before then that I "enjoyed" them recreationally, but between me having major surgery before my dad's death & the shock of his death....well, I quickly became hooked. For a little over 3 years now, I have become a slave to pain meds. At first, it was great. They numbed me. But as you all know, over time, you have to take more & more as your tolerance builds. & now, I have to have them just to function! The withdrawls are horrid. I'm drained...physically, mentally, & financially. And the kicker...my family (none of them!) have any idea. I am in this alone. Well, I take that back...a friend of mine (who is in the same boat) knows. I only have her to talk to. I am causing such financial stress on my marriage as I spend every penny we have on pills. My poor husband....I feel so guilty. He just thinks I spend mindlessly. I know exactly where all of our money has gone, yet I can't tell him. To tell anyone in my family the truth would destroy them. I'm just so tired of it all. I've been "absent" from my life for over 3 years & it's killing me. I'm just so terrified of going without those damn pills. My friend is the one who told me about suboxone as she's looking into it as well. I found this forum, so here I am. After reading some of your posts the other day, for the 1st time in a long time, I actually felt hope. & started to get excited about getting my life back. I just don't even know where to begin this journey, though. What do I need to do? Obviously find a doctor in my area. Is it expensive? We have insurance, but am terrified of my husband finding out as he's the cardholder. Also, how often do you have to see the doctor? How often do you take the suboxone & for how long? Anything you can tell me will be helpful. I'm clueless! I'm just desperate. Sick of waking up every morning feeling like hell. & sick of being on edge, trying to scrounge up more money to get more pills. The panic when I'm running low or am out. Just sick of it all. Please help me! Thanks for listening.
Brandy

Good morning Brandy and welcome to the forum. My name is Dee and I am the manager of this little place I like to call home. We have a wonderful moderator "Blue Eyes" and she will be along at some point to welcome you as well along with just about the greatest group of people you could ever know.

We have all been in your shoes and walked those hard long miles. We do understand what you are going through and are here to help you in any way that we can.
I am sorry for your loss. Loosing a parent is a pain that you don't really get over but you do eventually learn to live with the memories and let them help you move on, not forgetting just embracing the love you shared for one another.

One of the first things we need to do is get you into a certified provider and go from there. Suboxone is a great tool to help you manage your addiction but just taking Suboxone alone isn't enough. I strongly recommend counseling as well to help you deal with the baggage left behind by your addiction. It would help you come to terms with the loss of your dad as well.
You husband may already have an idea of what is going on with you, he knows there is something wrong but not quite sure. Your going to need some support within your family as you start your journey.

Some Suboxone providers do charge quite a bit for their services. If you send me your zip code I can do a search for you to help you find one in your area. You will have to call around and see which ones will take your insurance. The thing about Suboxone is that it is prescribed two ways. One way is from a clinic like a Methadone/Suboxone clinic where you would go in get your dose and leave. Another way is through a regular doctor who has taken the courses required to obtain a special DEA number that enables them to prescribe it. Those doctors will write your prescription that you fill at your normal pharmacy. So having insurance can be a big plus.
I really don't think that your husband would be aware of the services you would be getting.
You have to ask yourself this though. Are you sure? Are you ready to stop taking pain pills? Once you make that decision you cannot go back. You cannot go to your doctor for a prescription of pills to get you through the day. If your ready, jump on this journey and start your life new and fresh.
It won't always be an easy journey but it will be a hell of a lot better than the one you are living now. I promise you that.

When you start Suboxone you will be required to stop taking all opiates for anywhere between 24-48 hours depending on the type of opiate you are taking now. You will need to be in moderate withdrawal when you take your first dose of Suboxone. If not and you take it too soon, the Suboxone can put you into precipitated withdrawal and not only would you have to start your induction over again you would have to wait out the withdrawal. So it is always better to make sure you wait the proper amount of time.
Induction can be done two ways depending on your doctor.
Some doctors induct their patients in their office by giving you a small amount of Suboxone and watching you for about an hour to see how you do. If you do well they will have you return the next day for your day 2 dose and so one through the first week. In the beginning of Suboxone, when it first came out that is how it was done.
Some doctors will give you an appointment to come in for an evaluation and write your prescription for suboxone and have you do your own induction at home. Whichever way is done for you, we can cross that bridge when we come to it.

One thing to remember is that you are not alone. We do care about you and we will be here for you every step of the way.
I'll wrap this up now to give someone else a chance to get on here and introduce themselves to you.
Have a wonderful day and I hope to hear from you soon.
Always,
Dee

Brandy,
I am going to move your post over to the introductions area of the forum so if it seems that is has moved it has okay.

Hi Brandy !
Welcome to our forum !
I want to congratulate you on wanting to get your life back !
And by taking Suboxone, that's exactly what you will get .... YOUR LIFE BACK !!
A life with out pills. Can you imagine??

I see you "met" Dee, she's awesome and she pretty much gave you a great start on what to do and what to expect.

What I want to tell you is this, don't ever think your family won't support you, by you telling them, it will NOT destroy them. It very well could bring you all closer. That's what happened to me. I had a very bad , or no, relationship with my sisters and brother, and now, 8 months clean, I am proud to say, I have been honest with them all and have their support, and feel GREAT about it. Knowing they love me and stand by me, just makes me stronger !!!
Don't be afraid to tell your husband either. Like Dee said, he knows something is up with you. He loves you and he will be there for you.

As far as the money. Just think about how much your spending now !! It's nothing compared to that ! I paid $150 for the first month and $100 every month after. That's pennys compared to my addiction !!!!
I do go every month to see my doctor. Most doctors are like that. For the first month you might go more often.

Please, ask more questions. The more you know, the better off you are. Knowledge is power !!

You can do this !!!

Be well,
Blue.

Hey, my name is Monica and I'm usually a regular here, but I have been so busy lately that I can't get on much. I wanted to take the time to welcome you. Suboxone has saved my life and you have made a wonderful decision. You have also found a wonderful place to get support and have your questions answered. I will try to be around more as things are starting to settle down slightly. Hopefully I will be able to see you more as you progress in your recovery.

For my friends here I miss yall and I'm doing my best to get back here on a regular basis.

Much love
Monica

Oh, how nice it is to hear from you all & have some questions answered. I am still feeling a bit overwhelmed thinking of how to get all of this started. But I know I want to do this. I NEED to do this! I'm just so sick of being tired & so tired of being sick. My kids deserve to have their mom "present". I have been fooling myself for far too long. Honestly Dee, I don't think my husband (or anyone else in my family) has a clue as to exactly what is going on with me. I have had a few bouts of depression over the years, & if they thought anything with me was up, they're more apt to think it's that. I know that it would be huge to have my family's support, but it's just not something I'm willing to tell them about right now. It turns my stomach at just the thought of fessing up my dirty little secret. No, for now, I'm just going to depend on me. And my only girlfriend who knows. & now...you all. I'm just trying to get up the courage to take that 1st step. Dee, my zip code is 29445. I know this sounds dumb, but when I do the calling around to find a doc, how will I know when I find the right one for me? I don't even know what to say to them or what questions to ask. As for my insurance, a lot of times we have to be approved before even seeing a "specialist". Won't the insurance company know what these appointments are about, therefore my husband will also know? This is what scares me & has me stumbling to take that 1st step. Fear of the unknown & fear of my husband finding out. I wish it was all done & over with already. But now I'm being ridiculous. I would definitely prefer a doc that can prescribe it & allow me to do it at home. Lordy, that sucks that you have to be in w/d for that long. Of course, I've been in w/d many times over the past 3 years & it scares the hell out of me! It's so horrible, as you all know. Good golly, I dread that. But as the site says...at least this time there will be a "light at the end of the tunnel" which gives me such great hope.

I haven't explored the whole website yet, as there is so much to read, so what I'm about to ask, you may have talked about already. But, if you don't mind me asking...what was everyone's "drug of choice"? I am currently up to (at an average) of about 14 to 18 ten mg of Lortab a day! It's ridiculous! There have been days when it's more than that. If I can get my hands on Percocet, I'll do that in place of the tabs. Just awful!

I so badly want my life back. I can't believe that I've wasted 3 years of my life on this. My family deserves better. I just don't know how to get the ball rolling. I guess finding this forum & reaching out to you all is start. PLEASE keep responding to me. It really does mean so much to hear from you all. THANK YOU!
Brandy

Hello Brandy,

Most doctors don't take insurance for your office visits. But, the medicine itself is covered, where your only responsible for your copay.

You should really consider talking to your husband. Don't even worry about the rest of your family right now. But I think it will really help you in your recovery if he knew. Just my opinion, ok?
The thing with our addiction, we think we are fooling everyone, when in reality we are not.

My DOC (Drug of choice) was mostly vicoden. I would get my script on a Friday (150 pills) they
would be gone by Tuesday. 40 something pills a day. Then when that ran out. I'd hit the street.
Calling everyone I knew that could hook me up. I payed up to $10 a pill.
I eventually got on Opana. I would snort those. By that time, I was ready to quit. Snorting pills was my rock bottom. I looked at myself and was disgusted at what I saw. How did I let this happen?

I decided with my husband to start Suboxone treatment. He actually called around for me.
Don't worry about what to say. They know why your calling. They will tell you what to do.

Oh, btw, I was only in withdrawal less than 12 hours before I started. Everyone is different, There is a method that you follow to see when your at the right level of withdrawal to start your Suboxone.

Try not to think to far ahead, you'll just worry yourself for no reason.

I work during the day, so I will be back on here tonight.
I'm sure Dee will get you some phone numbers now that you gave her your zip code.
Your on your way Brandy !! Be proud of yourself ! Your doing it !

Brandy,
Blue is right most doctors who prescribe suboxone don't take insurance. You seem really concerned that your husband will find out because of insurance, but your medical records are confidential even if he is the primary insured. The insurance company can't disclose any information to him without your permission. That being said, you really need to tell your husband. I know you don't believe it, but he probably knows more than you think. And even if he doesn't keeping secrets is no way to start your recovery. You say your family deserves better that they deserve you to be present instead of being high. You are so right about that.

I think you may be operating under the incorrect assumption that you're going to go and get a scrip for suboxone and everything is going to be ok. That's not how it works. Suboxone is a tool intended to be used a part of a comprehensive recovery program. It doesn't cure addiction, it doesn't work on the issues that caused us to begin to abuse opiates. It only relieves the physical withdrawal and relieves us of our obsession with using. You've built a pretty successful addiction on lies and deceit, but you can't build a solid lasting recovery on lies. There is an old say that we're only as sick as our secrets. You really need to start preparing yourself to tell your husband the truth. Your post seems as if you've made up your mind to keep this a secret, but I want you to understand that it is not reasonable for you to think that you can continue to hide your addiction forever. If you build your recovery on lies and half truths, it's like building your house on a foundation of quick sand. You know what would happen if you put your house's foundation on quick sand...it would sink, and the same applies to your recovery. In order for you to achieve a meaningful lasting recovery from addiction you have to start with honesty. You have to admit to those closest to you that you have a problem. They deserve the truth. And chances are your husband knows something more than some irresponsible spending is going on. I'm not telling you that you have to tell him the truth now, but what I am telling you is that suboxone is not a cure. You will have the disease of addiction for the rest of your life. It is a progressive, deadly disease that will kill you if you let it. Your husband deserves the truth. I completely understand that you aren't ready to tell him now, because the denial and rationalizations we use in our addiction convince us that we have everyone fooled. Even if you do, you're going to change when you stop using opiates. Your husband will wonder why. If you let him come to his own conclusions about what is going on, he may come up with something much worse than addiction.

I am very proud of you for deciding to get help and please don't think that I'm preaching at you. I've been in your shoes and I thought that I had everyone fooled, but I didn't, and for most of them finding out I was an addict was a relief because the conclusions they had reached were much worse. As for your kids, you don't have to tell them now. I haven't told mine because they're not old enough to understand the whole story. But they do know what it is age appropriate for them to know. They will eventually have to know the truth because they have addicts for parents and therefore they can't experiment like kids who don't have addicted parents or they run a high risk of becoming addicts themselves.

Just think about what I've said. First things first, get to a doctor and get started treating this horrible disease. Once you've been in treatment for a while you will probably begin to change the way you think about telling your family. Rest assured, the insurance company won't out you, but I would strongly recommend that you at least tell your husband that way you can get your recovery started in the strong foundation of honesty instead of putting it in the quicksand of lies.

As for drug of choice, I don't usually discuss it since its kinda not part of my recovery, but 15 months ago I was taking 30 30mg Roxicet everyday by iv. That's 900mg of oxycodone that I was shooting up. The combination of suboxone and my 12 step work has given me a life I never even dared to dream of. I too have 3 children. When I was using I was there but my spirit was dead. I loved them, but I couldn't care for them. Now I am a stay at home mom and my life is dedicated to my family and to helping other addicts find recovery. If there is anything I can do to help you please post or pm me. I really enjoy working with newcomers both here and in my face to face groups. Once you find a doctor and get started please go in to some type of support group or some kind of conseling or therapy. It's been my experience, with my addiction and with the people I work with, that drugs are only a symptom of a much larger problem. In my case it was a lack of coping skills and a desire to numb the pain of some very bad things that happened in my life. To put it simply drugs weren't the problem....I was. Suboxone and my group work are allowing me to learn to live life on life's terms and take things as they come.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Monica

Thanks again, guys, for replying back. And I know you all are right. That I must fess up. & perhaps in time I will. I'm really not being stubborn. Just want to spare them the pain it will cause. I know how much they all love me & how supportive they eventually would be. No doubt about that. But I'm in too much of an overwhelmed/desparate stage right now to go thru with telling them. Let me get my brain back and head on straight a little bit & perhaps the secrets will be told. Just not now...I'm too much of a mess.

Okay, you have eased my mind a bit about the whole insurance situation. So, for the doc visits, they don't even take the insurance? Just for the meds? On average, how much does everyone spend per doc visit & per script? Were most people able to "induce" or whatever you call it, at home? How long does one script last? Sorry for all of the questions, but I'm such a newbie to all of this. Blue, that's awesome that you were only in w/d for 12 hours before taking your 1st dose. I could handle that.

As for everyone's DOC, Blue...I've never been so "lucky" as get my pills on my own. Which is why I'm in such financial stress. Have to buy all of mine at an average of $6 per pill! And I have to take 2 or 3 at a time. By the day's end, I'll have gone thru about 18. Sometimes more, sometimes less. But that's over $100 a day!! That's beyond ridiculous! I just can't do any of it any more. It sucks!

And Monica, thank you for sharing your story with me, as you didn't have to do that. But I really appreciate it & just feel like I relate so much more knowing that we're all in the same boat. I definitely think that eventually couseling would be a great a thing for me to do. Especially after my father's death, my family thought that I should have gone to get help for that. Little did they know...I did get help for that...but it came in a pill form & it helped numb the hurt. Well, the jig is up! It has caused way more problems than it has helped. That's for sure! Just a little more info about me...I'm 36 years old. My son's are 17, 8, & 6. My 17 year old is a senior in high school & I want to be so very "present" for him during his last year in high school. The younger boys definitely need me, too. Just so ready to get my life back. I know how great things can be. I've been there. I want to be there again now.

Thanks again, everyone.
Brandy

Morning Brandy,

I hope by now you got some phone numbers.

I know there is a site that matches you up with Dr's although, do what I did and google Suboxone dr's in you area.

Get phone numbers and start calling !


We are here to help you, so just ask, ok?

Hugs,
Blue

Good morning Brandy
Check your email as I have sent a list of providers to you to call. I checked 2 different sources so I hope that you are able to find one out of the bunch. Don't be surprised if you can and find that there is a waiting list. Not all have a wait list, some do. Place yourself on those lists and ask them to call you if they have any cancellations.

Some doctors do take insurance for the office visits. It depends on the doctor, not all of them are alike. I see a psychiatrist for my Suboxone and she does take my insurance. I also see a counselor from the same office as well as attend the women's group. So it's all a matter of which doctor you go to. You can always ask them when you call to set up an appointment.
It never made sense to me for a provider to not take insurance. If they are a doctor and take insurance for other services, then why not addiction treatment.

I started taking pills for pain. I started with hydrocodone, graduated to Oxycontin and ended with Heroin. My last injection of anything was on July 17th 2002. The only thing I will take besides my Suboxone is Ibuprofen. I don't want to die, I want to live to see my grandchildren, watch my son get married and live my life.
I struggle because I have a daughter who is in active addiction and expecting her 4th baby, I can't make her stop and I can't force her to learn everything that I've learned over the years. I am afraid she won't be as lucky as I was. I am the one that is waiting for the phone call to come that she is gone just like my sister waited for that phone call to come about me. I pray everyday that she makes it but it is up to her.

You can do this and you can manage your addiction. We are here every step of the way. Go check your email and jump on the phone. Check in when you are able to okay.
Always,
Dee

There is a site that provides you with information about providers in your area. The address is treatmentmatch.org. Nannamom is right there are providers who take insurance. In my area, the waiting list for these doctors is extremely long. I got called to go to one after I started treatment, but by that time, I was so comfortable with the doctor that I was paying cash for that I was happy to continue to pay him. He is also a recovering addict and has been wonderful through my entire treatment. He has allowed me to remain in control of my taper and to put it simply...he understands. The one who accepted insurance was a military doc and he was so inflexible I couldn't see being successful with him. He legislates recovery to his patients and has no personal experience to base his opinions on. I'm not saying that only recovering addicts should prescribe sub, but I had been in this doctor's program before. I was one of his first patients and I relapsed after 2.5 years being in his program. I just wasn't comfortable leaving a doctor who truly understood me over $100. I now sign papers for many of the military docs patients in my meetings and he doesn't even see patients now...just a nurse practitioner and an intern and he has a set time for tapering etc. He's just not a match for me.

Brandy it's not uncommon for people to go thru more than one provider before they find one who fits them. Also, as you grow in your recovery, the provider that worked in the beginning may not work a year in. It's really an individual thing. The provider I have now is strictly an addiction specialist as is every other provider at the office. Nanna is right if your provider accepts insurance for other treatment then they should for sub as well. Check out the site I listed and go from there. The important thing now is to get in with someone. If you end up not being comfortable or satisfied with that provider you can try to find another one. Also, as you know I believe you should tell your husband, but I agree that you need to get stronger to do so. Do what you feel is best and things will work out.

Much love,
Monica

PS I'm also 36 but my 3 kids are under 10. I just put the youngest in kindergarten. Believe me, no matter what age they are, children just want to see their mother happy and healthy. My mom is still in active addiction and I would love to see her find recovery.

I read your story Brandy and couldn't help but post! I can see that it has been a while, but I'm hoping my posting now will bring you back tote forum to read it at least.
Let me tell you a bit about me, my name is Jasmine. I am a twenty year old stay at home mom. I have one son and one step daughter. I was in active addiction for over 5 years (I started young) and I have been on suboxone for almost 6 months now! If you'd like to know anymore you can read my story under "Siboxone Stories" - "How suboxone saved my life"

Your story really touches me! I feel so bad that you feel like you are going through this alone! But there is an amazing support system here on this forum and it may be slow for a response, but you will always get one that is sincere and will answer you to the best of our knowledge.

I read your story and got tears in my eyes! I want you to know that you are not alone! We, all of us on this forum, are here for you. I'd like to reach out to you and help you in any way that I can.

Have you found a provider and started suboxone yet? Have you talked to your husband about your addiction?

Please check in and let us know how you are doing!

Have a blessed day!

Much love! - Jasmine