PLEASE! I NEED ADVISE AND HELP!

Hi everyone,
So I was on suboxone last year for about 6 months for a norco addiction. It helped me tremendously until I had a dental appointment.....i KNEW i shouldnt of taken the rx to the pharmacy because I have an addiction type personality, BUUUT i did. And thats when it all started AGAIn. So, for the past 7 months I have been using 30+ Norco 7.5MG a day. I am a mom of 4 and a wife. I was to the point where I HATED using but didnt want to go thru w/d so I kept using. I work for a dentist which makes it all too tempting to call in rx's for me and anyone else I can conjure up. I went to my dr. yesterday and got the suboxone again and planned on taking it today but I had 4 more Norcos left and took them this AM b/c of the w/d's. I am afraid to start the sub while I am at work b/c I remember the first day on it I felt "out of it". My husband doesnt know and doesnt understand addiction , therefore , I cant tell him. He WILL leave me and take all my kids and hold it against me. I have been using for 18 years and I am tired of it. I plan on taking my sub on Saturday while I am at home so if I dont feel well I can lay down at least and tell my hubby I have a migraine. ( Which I get often). So, I am asking for support on starting my first day saturday and looking for reassurance that I wont feel "too out of it" on my first day. He has me on 8mg 2xday but the first time I took 8mg it was TOO much, so I cut my films in half and that seemed to help. My husband said that my speech was slurred but I didnt notice it. I thought I was fine. Maybe I should start off taking 1/4 of a film the first day? Any words of advise would be GREAT and appreciated!!
Stephanie

Hi Stephanie,
Welcome to the forum.
We are here to support you in any way that we can. Please don't beat yourself up over your relapse. It happens to some people but that doesn't mean that you can't have a successful recovery. The point is that you are willing and wanting to try again and we are here to help.
When you were on Suboxone the last time, did you take it as a detox tool and then stop? For some people taking Suboxone for a short time is fine and for others it take somewhat longer. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

When you start your Suboxone on Saturday it is a good idea to start with a low dose. According to protocol for induction you should not take more than 8mg on your first day.
Basically you should start out with 2mg and since your provider has given you the strips it should be easy to cut them into quarters.
After taking 2mg wait about an hour or so. If you feel better and the withdrawals have subsided some but you still feel kind of crappy you can take another 2mg.
Are you still taking the Norco? If so, you need to stop so that you will be in withdrawal enough to start Suboxone without putting yourself into precipitated withdrawal.

It bothers me when you said your husband would take your kids and leave. How long have you been together? I hope that in time you are able to educate him on the subject of addiction. The more he learns the better the chances that he will come to understand what you are going through.
Addicts don't ask for the life we lead. There is no cure for addiction but it can be managed.
And someday it is possible to stop taking Suboxone altogether but when you are absolutely ready. Only you can make that decision.
What you need right now is his support and not be frightened that you will loose everything over a relapse. Why did you stop taking Suboxone last year? Was it because you felt ready to stop or because your husband didn't want you taking it?
I am not trying to be mean or harsh and if I sound like I am I apologize.
You can get through this and if you want, I will be here all weekend. If you have any questions, all you have to do is post. I promise to be here for you.
Again, I want to say, Welcome!!
Dee

Thank you for your response. I originally got on Sub as a maitnance tool. I was doing fine and then I needed a root canal. I got a rx for Vico from the endodontist and I remember being told u wouldnt feel the effects of an opiate with sub in ur system so I took it hoping it would ease the tooth discomfort. I KNEW I shouldnt have. I am regretting it EVERY DAY! So, I quit taking Sub and got back on the vico's since I DID feel the euphoric feeling again even tho I had been on Sub for months.
Yes, I am still taking the Norco. I only waited 12 hours last time before starting my Sub treatment last time b/c I start w/d at the 12 hour mark. I didnt experience any bad w/d starting Sub after waiting 12 hours since my last dose of Norco last time. The Sub actually helped tremendously even tho I took the whole 8MG which was too much to where I had to go to sleep cuz i was light headed and couldnt speak clearly. So , this time I will only take 1/4 of the film the first time. Thank you for your advise on waiting an hour to see if that works first.
As for my husband, we have been together 15 years. He knew of my problem 15 years ago when he found a bottle of them in my car. I had them stashed EVERYWHERE. He automatically threw them all out even tho I told him I would get deathly sick, He didnt care and said " you did it to yourself, suck it up and get over it". He DOESNT and NEVER WILL understand. He found out I was smoking cigarettes again and got furious and punched my windshield in my car and it shattered! Over a cigarette. So just imagine what he would do if he found out I was using ANYTHING. If I have a migraine, I take medicine, and if he sees me take it, he calls me a druggie , pill popper, walking pharmacy, etc. He says I'm weak. Just because he doesnt take anything not even cold medicine when he's sick b/c he says it kills your liver. But when I get migraines, I vomit always and they get so severe I cant function. I was on anti depressants before and he found them and threw those in the trash as well, so as you can imagine, i have to hide EVERYTHING from him. I am SCARED to death to get sick when I have a full time job and 4 kids to care for. It is a crappy situation, but I DO have support from my parents, sisters, friends and an ex boss of mine that went thru Diversion. He is a dentist that actually had the same problem and has helped me a lot mentally get thru this. I have wanted to quit for SO long now. I am sick of having to constantly wake up at 5 am to take 4 pills just so I dont get sick then take pills ALL DAY long till bed time, then the same routine again the next day.
I know the Sub will help, it did before. I just need to realize what I have to lose if I dont quit using. I have the Sub on me now, waiting for me. So, Saturday is the day. I am mentally prepared to DO THIS!
When I went to the dr. to get my suboxone, he talked to me for over an hour. He told me its not just the physical change, but a mental change. I have been abused in so many ways over years mentally, physically, emotionally that i have used to "cope". If it wasnt pills, it was alcohol. I am sober from alcohol 3 years now. I just want CLEAN !!! I want my life back, I want to be the mom my kids DESERVE and I pray Suboxone can help me get there.

Thank you for your support!
Stephanie

24 views and no one else has given me any words of wisdom? Even tho I have been thru suboxone b4 doesnt make it any easier than the last time. I am supposed to take my first dose tomorrow but IDK. I am nervous. I just want to lay down and sleep FOREVER!!! I am supposed to go out with friends tmrw night but I hope I feel ok to go out. If I remember correctly I was pretty tired the first day on Suboxone. I guess we will see what happens....

Hey Stephanie,
I'm sorry that no one else has posted to you. I wish it were different. I know that it's not easy to put yourself out there and it would be great if someone would post to you.
At least to wish you luck, share their experience or just offer support.
I may only be one person but I do care.

Just because you have been down this road before it doesn't mean that it is any easier than the first time.
Maybe you won't be so tired this time around. It's something that you will have to wait and see. Even though you felt tired you will be starting out on a lower dose so let's see how you do.
I'd like to hear from you in the morning if your able to get on the computer. I don't' mean that you will be feeling bad or anything. I know that you have your children to take care of and a husband at home so your time isn't always your own. Being a mom myself I understand that.

Don't let the lack of posters get to you. We do have some amazing people here and some of them don't post very often, some of them don't get much time to spend online now that they are in recovery.
I hope this weekend they will check in on the forum and introduce themselves to you.
Good luck tomorrow, I hope to hear something from you.
Dee

Hi Stephanie,

I'm Barbara and very well relate to how you are feeling. I read just the other day about how many more women stay with a person in recovery than men do. I guess it has something to do with women having babies and being a mother. This is the beginning of a new beginning for you. Don't look at the past, look to the future. Within a short while you'll be where you want to be. I'll be back and forth if you want someone to talk to. I've been to hell and back with this, so there's nothing you could shock me with. You take care and let us know how you are.
Yours in recovery,
Barbara

Hi Barb and thank you for your response. I was getting a little discouraged. I started my sub today. Took 1/4 of my 8mg film then an hour later another 1/4 and that seemed to do the job as far as w/d symptoms. I now sit here, feeling not so happy. Just kinda Blah feeling and I have a headache I took some advil , hoping that helps. Im hoping this is a temporary side effect. I dont remember getting a headache last time I was on suboxone. I am just wondering when do I take my next dose and should I take 4 mg since thats what it took to take away the w/d's this morning or should I just take 1/4 film? I WANT this so badly, to be clean. Im hoping to feel "normal" again but I must say I MISS the euphuric feeling I got from my Norcos.

A lot of people do complain of having a headache with Suboxone. Some say it is caused by the ingredient Naloxone.

If your withdrawal symptoms should start to come back and you feel that you need more medication you can try taking an additional 2mg dose not to exceed 8mg the first day.
Whichever your dose ends at today, that will be your starting dose tomorrow.

I do understand missing the euphoria and that has to be the hardest part of all of this.
When I first started Suboxone I kept waiting to feel that warm feeling and I felt let down when it didn't come. I started Suboxone in a residential facility because before Suboxone I was a Methadone patient and had to switch. It was easier for me to do the switch where someone could help me along.
That didn't make it any easier though. I still kept wanting that feeling. That lasted for a few days. But once I was on a stable dose of Suboxone I didn't feel that way anymore.

Try keeping yourself busy. Anything that keeps your mind off of what it would be like to take something to make you feel better. Do you have any hobbies that you like to do or can you go out and take a walk?
You can do this. You did it before and you can do it again.
Barbara will be here later on this evening to check in and I'm sure she will post to you when she gets here. Until then, hang in there. Like I said, you CAN do this.
Dee

Thank u Dee. I'm wondering when do I take my next 2mg dose? So.this morning it took 4mg to get the w/d away. But right now I'm.feeling them.come on again. Sniffly nose, chills, stomach cramps. I took my first 2mg at 550 am and my second at 645. Should I just take 4mg then tonight? Also, I take Xanax daily and I have read that those two don't mix but my Dr knows I take Xanax and have for over a year. He's the same Dr that prescribed my Sub. I need the Xanax but have read its not safe. I took it with sub last time but maybe that's why my speech was so slurred before b/c I was on both. I only took 1 mg of Xanax this morning instead of my usual 2mg. I'm supposed to take 16 mg of sub a day and 6 mg of Xanax a day. God, my head is a MESS! It feels like a viscous cycle but if I don't take my Xanax I FREAK OUT! IM SORRY for so many questions!

Stephanie,
If your withdrawals symptoms are back I would take it now to ensure the withdrawal symptoms don't get ahead of you and cause you to have to take more.

The reason they say what they do about Xanax and Suboxone is because taking the two of them together can enhance the effects and cause respiratory depression.
What is your Xanax schedule? How often and how much are you supposed to take?
That very well could be why you slurred the last time that you took Suboxone it also could be why you don't remember slurring.
I have to be honest and tell you that I don't have a lot of experience with Benzos having never had to take them. It's amazing that there is still a drug out there that I didn't get attached to during my using days.

Did you doctor give you any instructions at all in regards to your dose or just give you the prescription?

I am supposed to take 2MG 3x a day but I only take 1 2MG in the morning and 2MG at night. I found taking it 3 times a day was too much. Today I only took 1 MG this morning and had to take 1 MG at lunch time. He just told me to take 8MG 2x a day. But I remember the first time I took 8MG in the morning i couldnt move, talk, think or functon so someone who had been there, done that b4 told me to cut it in half so I took 4MG in the morning and 4MG at night for 6 months. That seemed to work well for me.
The suboxone was causing me to have extreme anxiety the first time I was on it. That is why my dr. put me on xanax. Even tho now he's telling me ( a year later ) that Benzos are the hardest to come off of due to high chance of seizures. Oh , thanks for the heads up doc! I feel like I am on a pill rollercoaster. Even tho Im not taking Norcos Im still focused on my next dose of Xanax and Suboxone! LORD HELP ME!
I actually got the idea of 2mg at first then additional 2mg an hour later if the initial 2mg didnt work from THIS FORUM! Better advise than from my own doctor! So, for that, I thank you!

What you said about the Xanax reminds me of another forum member. Her name is Beth, take a look at her posts. Her user name is bfye.

Benzos are very hard to come off of your doctor is right about that. When you tried to take the 8mg twice a day were you taking the benzos then as well or did the Xanax come into play after that?
I was just wondering if that was why the 8mg was too much for you? Also I do know that it does take time for your body to settle in on a dose of Suboxone. It sounds like the 16mg was too much but the 8mg a day wasn't enough.
Everybody is different and there can't be any one set of rules for everyone. I hate what you are going through. I know all you want to be is normal. With help you can get there. It may take some time, but you can get there. As long as you hang in and don't give up.

How is your husband? Does he have any idea that you have started Suboxone again? I wish it could be different for you. I wish that you could talk to him about what your going through it would be so much better for you if you had his support.
I am glad though that you do have the support of your family and of course we are here anytime. Keep us posted on how you do okay?

Ya I started off at 8 mg 2x a day but I couldn't handle it. It was too much so I took 4 mg 2x a day. That helped me function but then anxiety kicked it. I felt like i was on an old friend of mine, speed. So he put me on Xanax 2 mg 3x a day. That worked. I just have an awful headache today and am afraid to take any more sub cuz it might make it worse or maybe Better, Idk! I am having g stomach cramps now and chills. Maybe I should take 2 mg and see if it helps. God this sucks!
No my husband doesn't know. He never will unfortunately. But that's just the way it has to be for me for now.
Thanks for the support.

I'm sorry you still have the headache, is it any better at all?
I don't know if taking any more Suboxone will make the headache any better but if your having chills and cramps they're not likely to go away without taking it.
Try 2 or 4mg and see how you do.
Let me know, I'll be here off and on tonight. I won't leave you alone okay. Not until you get through this part. It's about 9;00 and I see a couple of the other ladies are online, maybe they can give you some input.

Hi Stephanie,

Sorry you are having a hard time with your recovery. Believe me sweetie, if you will just stick with it, you will start to feel better. Your anxiety is probably coming from your husband not knowing and you wanting the suboxone to work so badly. My first trial with detox was a lot better than when I relapsed and tried to regain what I had. I took an eight milligram pill at the docotrs office and had one in my mouth on the way home. I was so messed up, I barely made it home in the car. My stomach was burning, my head hurt, my nerves were shot. I laid down and the next day I seemed a bit better. Yes, I take a small amount of Xanax at night. My Suboxone doctor gives me both. I'd like to get back to when I didn't take anything, but this is the way it has to be so I can function to work and take care of my Mom and my animals. My husband died in 2004 from liver failure. He wouldn't listen to me when I said we needed to get clean. I know if I had stayed with him, I wouldn't be writing to you now. Steph, hang on and don't use even if your ass falls off. I'm talking life and death. Everything in your world good hangs in the balance of you staying with it. I am on the films now and they seem a bit weaker than the pills, but are easier for me. Would you please stay in contact here. Dee got a hold of me and said you needed some support. Honey, I'll be here every day if you need me here. My work is crazy on hours and are never the same, but if you ask for me, I'll be here. It never hurts to do kneeling prayers at night. I know there's nothing worse than being dope sick and trying to get straight. Let us know how you are and know I'm pulling for you.

Try to pretend you are already well and things are better. Put yourself into the future, if you can understand what I mean. Give your mind a rest. Don't try to force things to happen. It will come one day at a time.

Yours in the struggle,
Barbara

Hi Again,
I remembered about having a headache when I'd taken too much Suboxone. I don't know if this is what it was or just anxiety working against me. Make sure you take all of the medicine and not swallow it. I get impatient cause it takes so long to go where ever it goes and tend to swallow it.I know I thank God for this forum and the internet. I've been through some hard times and Dee and I got each other past it.
I just wanted to add this.
Barbara

So yesterday i took 2MG at 445 pm and another 2mg at 6pm. So , I took a total of 8MG yesterday. This morning I took 2mg at 630 amd and another at 830 am. Should I just take 4MG in the am instead of taking 2MG every couple hours? Last time I was on sub, I took 4mg in the AM and 4MG in the PM. Thank you for your support. I am going thru a lot in my life, I ALWAYS have. I have fought so many addictions its just crazy. Im hoping one day I wont have to take ANYTHING. Its been 18 years and I know it will take awhile. I am sorry for the loss of your husband My doctor told me Im lucky to be alive with how many pills I have taken in the past 18 years. That hit me HARD. I have 4 kids, 15, 12, 8 and 4 and I am their protector, their securtity. They freak out if I go to the grocery store! I HAVE to be here for them. I dont have health insurance so I am blessed to have my parents who can help me with my scripts. But I feel like a burden to them even tho they say I am not. Im 35 yrs old and should have my shit together by now. I live in a beautiful home, drive a nice car and manage a dental specialty office. Most ppl see me as having " the perfect life". HA! If they only knew.
My anxiety kicked in when I originally started taking suboxone my first time around. I also noticed my jaw hurts really bad. I have TMD (tempromandibular disorder) and so maybe the meds are causing this to worsen . I took advil yesterday, hoping the anti inflamitory would work, but it didnt.
On the up side, I am on day 2 which means 80 pills behind me.!!!! Im feeling better today, but not fully there yet. Slight stomach cramps. When I was using, my alarm would go off and I would HAVe to get up and take 5 pills cuz my stomach hurt so bad. This morning I was able to hit the snooze button b/c my stomach wasnt bothering me THAT bad. I could handle it. THAT is a great feeling, not waking up sick until I get my fix.
Thank you so much for your replies, it means the world to me.

**Steph**

HI Stephanie,
I wanted to check in with you really quick but I can't really post right now as I have a counseling appointment. I've been with the same counselor for about three years now and it has kept me grounded.
Talk to you soon,
Dee


Thank you dear Barbara!

Hey. it's Barbara again...just got in from work and had to check back to see how you are. You and I are so much alike...I love speed too. It's hard at times especially in the afternoon, if I haven't done at least four milligrams, I crash hard and tired beyond taking a shower. This life ain't for everybody. I want what I have before I want to be hung up again. I looked on my bottle of Xanax and it said 2 milligrams for insomnia. I'm like you, I've learned my lesson about taking more, more, more and forever more. I take half of what is given. I want to get down to an eighth of an eight. I started out on 24 milligrams and I think I needed every bit of it...like Dee said we are all different, but so much alike. I had gut aches for you today as I wished you well. I'm better now I'm home and getting some of my home made stew...and dumplings. I'm an orange raised cracker from Fla. Tell me more of you and how you are. Remember women are different than men. Your husband could come to you and tell you what's going on, but you can't dare go to him. I've had four husbands and I know that he knows something ain't squared with you two. After you have gotten stabilized, you may want therapy for you both. You have got to do something different than you have. Just worry about what's on your plate now and work on other stuff as it comes up. Preparation, preparation, and more preparation. The good kind, the kind that makes you feel warm inside and there's no uphoria like being free and happy at the same time. Hang in there and pray for protection even from yourself. If you ask for protection, you will be kept from harm and hurt.
Yours in the struggle,
Barbara Rue

Thanks Barbara! Day 3 is the best day yet. I feel stable. Took 4mg this am and did just fine. Still have cravings, wanting that high feeling but that will pass...soon i HOPE. I DO pray and my family has been praying for me as well. Thank you for your support.
My husband refuses therapy/counseling. Our marriage has been a rollercoaster. I actually left him last year for 9 months and just came back due to my kids missing me so much since he INSISTED on keeping the house and kids. I had them on the weekends.
He had a rough childhood, abusive home, was in an orphanage, had counseling and felt it did no good for him, therefore it wont work for US. So frustrating , but it is what it is I guess
I am from Indiana, so Im a down to earth, kind hearted girl that is stuck in California. I moved here when I was 10. Once you live here, good luck getting out. This state sucks the life out of you in so many ways!!! I wish I could live back in the mid west again.
Thank you for caring so much, it really does mean a lot. I can only get on here during the day hours 8-5pm Cali time, I cant use my phone at home, its a NO NO at home. but at least I can get on here at work Any words of advise, encouragement or just a simple hello is nice to hear!
Heres to day 3, 120 pills behind me!!!!

Hi Steph, really relieved ro hear things are good. Honey there's not a judge in the world who would take your children with you in recovery. You have a lot more leverage than you think. it's late and I know you are okay. Just take it slow and you'll br fine. It takes thirty day to make a new habit. I'll be in in the late after noon. Bs here then.
Night Stephanie. Don't worry. things will work out.
Barbara