Quitting Subs, looking for advice/encouragement

Hello Everyone,
I have been on subs for about 2 years, I started them after taking about 40 mg of oxy a day for about 4 months, I decided that that wasn't the life I wanted anymore and a friend suggested my ex and I try subs to help us get off the oxy. I started taking 4mg in the morning and 4 in the evening, I gradually decreased my dose throughout the next 2 years, the few times I ran out the wd were terrible, I realized I had to go down to an extremely low dose and have been crossing my fingers that this would work.
I recently took my child and left my ex, he was an alcoholic and extremely controlling, I also recently found out that he only took subs when he couldnt get oxy or percs, he had been taking pills the entire 2 years behind my back when I was trying so hard to stay clean (I havent touched them since quitting) Leaving him was very traumatic, I live far away from my family and cut off ties with his (they would not admit he had a problem) so I am completely on my own. When I left I had to set up everything in secret, an apt, bank acct and live with him knowing this until the day I could move in, it was very stressful. I got the subs from him, I even think he thought while I was still using them that I would stay with him, so I began to really wean myself down. The day I left I had been taking .75 mgs twice a day, once and awhle I could skip the nightime dose, other times I had trouble sleeping and caved. The day I left I thought I was done and flushed what I had down the toilet, after about a day and a half I became extremely anxious and emotional, I couldn't eat or sleep, I dont know if it was from everything I had been through or the lack of subs. I contacted a friend who gave me a few of her husbands subs and told me I needed to take care of myself, letting myself become sick at a time when I had to take care of a child on my own was not taking care of myself. I took as little as possible and began to feel better. I have been taking as little as posible for about 2 weeks, I'm not sure of the dose but 1 8mg tablet and 1/2 8 mg tablet has lasted me 2 weeks, so about 12 mg in 2 weeks, takingg it at 8 am and again around 6 pm. This has been working, I feel absolutly fine, no anxiety, stomach problems, sleeplessness etc.
The problem is my ex has said to a few friends that if I fought him for full custody that he would make sure the truth came out about me in court, I don't know what this means (could be an empty threat to scare me) but all that I can think of is the subs, that's literally the only thing I have done that he could hold over my head. I thought the fact that he was doing worse drugs would curb him from bringing up my use in court, but I am afraid that he has the mentality that I took his kid from him so now he is going to do the same. I am a good mother, I have obviously made some mistakes in the past but I have done everything I can to change that, I even applied for state medical now that I qualify so that I could see a doctor for my anxiety and pmdd(reason I got hooked on opiates in the first place). I want to quit subs and be done with them, problem is I am afraid, I remember how bad it was last year when I ran out for a few days, I was taking about 4-6 mgs a day and the depression and sleeplessness was the worst. I think 12mgs in 2 weeks is a very low dose and I'm hoping any withdrawl symptoms wont be too bad or will only be in my head, any suggestions how to fight the cravings and the sleeplessness would be great. Please don;t suggest any prescription pills like xanax etc, I want to be done with everything. I did buy an herbal supplement called kava kava that is for relaxation (I read it was a natural xanax) has anyone tried that?
Any advice, encouragement or similar stories to help me would be greatly appreciated. please don't post anything that will scare me, I think a lot of what I feel is in my head, first time I ran out of subs and couldnt sleep I spent the night reading horror stories posted all over the internet, there has to be some success stories out there! I am hoping those who successfully quit just moved on with their lives and that's why there are so few stories.
I will keep everyone posted on my progress, this seems like the only positive suboxone forum out there and I am really hoping that you guys can help me.

Welcome to you Irisheyes,
We are happy to have you here with us. Congratulations on your recovery and all of the progress you have made in your recovery.
Be proud of yourself. You have done so much and have so much to be proud of.

You sound determined and I have no doubt that you will make it. Take a look at you now, a long look in the mirror and see the person you have become.
you friend told you to take care of yourself and that being sick when you have a child to take care of is not taking care of yourself. You ARE taking care of yourself.

I know it is hard but try not to let what your ex is saying get to you. I don't believe for one minute that he can get your daughter from you. What will he tell anyone? That you were an addict and put yourself on a program to get yourself off of opiates? In essence that is what you did.
I know buying them off of the streets isn't the same as going to a providers office but what he did isn't exactly legal. Can HE pass a drug test? I doubt it.

This is what a lot of men do when a woman leaves them. They prey on their insecurities and zero in on what matters to them the most. Their children.
Hang in there, we are here for you anytime that you need to talk and we are here to support you, off or on the Suboxone. As long as you have everything together and know this is what is what you need to do for you that is all that matters.
Something to remember as well, Suboxone does not show up in a standard drug screen it has to be tested for specifically so if the courts did test you they would have to be testing for Suboxone for it to show up.

For the sleep problems you can try taking some Melatonin at night before bedtime and drink some chamomile tea along with it. It has helped me in the past and is not habit forming at all.
I would never tell anyone to take Xanax or any other Benzo's for the fact that it would be very easy for you to become dependent on them and trying to get off of them can be a long process.

Please check back in and let us know how you are doing. One thing to also remember, if you get to a point that you don't want to stop taking Suboxone, now that you have medical you can see a certified provider for a low dose to get you through. That is just a suggestion. No pressure. I want you to do what you think is best for you.
You are not alone, okay. We are here for you
Dee

Thank you for your kind words and the advice about the melatonin, I will look into that tomorrow. I am hoping to be able to skip my first dose in the morning, my plan is to wake up and get out of the house as soon as possible and to stay out as long as possible. It is a comfort to know that when I am home I now have an outlet to discuss how I am feeling.
I hope you have a good night and I hope I am able to report some progress tomorrow

I look forward to talking with you. I discovered Melatonin once while in residential treatment, I had problems sleeping and asked the staff psychiatrist for something that would help that wouldn't hurt me in the way of dependence and that is what I was given.
My son was also given Melatonin for sleep when he needed it.
it can be bought just about anywhere.
Talk to you soon

I tried to go the whole day without subs, but could not, I did take less than I have been taking the past week, tomorrow is another day. Does anyone know if they do a urine test for subs (I'm afraid that since my ex knew I was on it that he will request it) how long it stays in your urine? I have been taking about .5-.75 mgs a day for a little less than a month if that helps.

Has your husband filed any paperwork with the courts yet? Or is he waiting, to see if your going to file against him first?
I don't know how the courts are where you are but I do know that where I am there is a back log of cases and it takes some time for anything to get on the calendar.
You can try talking to legal aid and see where you stand.
If it comes down to your ex telling the courts about your usage of Suboxone, you can always line up a provider. I'm not saying to go completely back on them but use that to back you up in case it is needed. If you have a certified provider there isn't anything he can do about it.
Bottom line though, Suboxone will not show up in a standard drug test. It has to be specifically tested for. To find out if it is tested for in your area, you can check around with someone who may have been tested involving custody issues.

Thanks
The melatonion worked, I slept for 8 hours straight and didn't feel like crap this morning.
We have court next friday, I have written up a custody/visatation plan for his lawyer to review and hopefully he will agree on so we can get this settled out of court, I am just worried because I am worried about keeping my son safe and I feel like he is worrying about how to hurt me because I hurt him by leaving. There is a testing facility in the courthouse and I do not believe they carry the seperate suboxone test, and I believe if he had purchased one for me to take on court I can decline and ask the court to order one. I am just so worried because he is such a loose cannon and I really believe he doesnt have the best interest for our child, he just wants to one up me because I left.
The weaning off is going well, I am doing less and less each day, I just wish I was able to skip days, I havent been able to accomplish that, and it makes me feel weak, I wish they made something along the lines of nicotine gum to fight the cravings lol

I thought I posted a response to your last post but it looks like it didn't go through, I am going to reply again I apologize if it did go through and I seem repetative.
I tried the melatonin last night and it worked great, thanks for the tip
I have court next friday, I have written up a custody and visatation schedule that hopefully will get fwd to his lawyer so we can agree on something before court, wether or not I shoudl be worried about my suboxone usage I still dont want to be in a long, nasty court battle.
I do not have insurance at the moment, I just filed for state health insurance, now that I am a single mother I should qualify.
The court has its own drug testing facility, I put some feelers out to see if they have the test for suboxone, my lawyer didnt even know what it was. I was also thinking that he could purchase a test online and bring it to court, but I am pretty sure I could refuse that and ask the court to order one. If I am having such a hard time stopping and he was doing a much higher dosage while taking other drugs and drinking I would think he wouldnt of been able to stop so easily either, and why he would accuse me of something when he was doing the same thing I dont know, but like I said, he makes me nervous because its all about winning.
I am sorry if I am rambling on and focusing more on the court case then the subs, I findnthat typing about it has been extremely theraputic, I have few people to talk to and only one of my friends knows about the suboxone.
When I woke up this morning I felt good, no withdrawl symptoms or anxiety, but I still crave the suboxone, I did a crumb to fight the cravings. Any suggestions on getting through the cravings? I try to get out of the house and stay active, but at 7:30 am with a sleeping 2 year old that isnt possible, I wish they made the equivalant of nicotine gum for suboxone lol

Hi Sweetie,

I'm Barbara and want so badly to taper off of my 4 milligrams a day. I'm going to make it or accept the fact I need so much to live, work and maybe love again. I've learned to quit trying to say where I want to be and I accept where I am. Where I am isn't so bad. I've got my horse, Bask and I can look out my kitchen window and watch him eat grass. My little Yorkie, Baby will wag herself silly when I come in the door and my Golder Retriever, Sadie will growl in jealousy at her...what's so funny is my 120 pound pig, Suzy will come squeeling, biting at Bask's ankles and chasing the dogs.

My advice to you is...other than court don't have any contact with your ex or anyone who kept you in your addiction. For at least two weeks, no contact. You see, you don't start loving him again, it's the female hormones that kick in. Who could love someone who helped get me in the mess I'm in? This is not love, it's insanity. If you pray, I would pray for protection from anything that will hurt me...even myself.
Thanks for sharing so much. I'd like to follow your lead and taper too.
I have an early rise, so good night, take care, be glad for what you have, and look for good things to happen.
Yours in the struggle,
Barbara

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I no longer talk to my ex unless it has to do with our son, when he tries to overstep the line I have drawn I tell him the conversation is over. I am currently trying to go down to 3mgs a day, but I find after 2 or 3 days I have to do 4mgs, my Dr. suggested that I was using suboxone to self medicate for depression, he prescribed me an antidepressent, I am hoping after 2 or 3 weeks on it I will be able to taper down to 2 mgs a day. I have also met a wonderful man who is also a single parent and has gone through a similar situation a few years ago, he has been amazingly supportive and has shown me that there are good men out there, which allowed me to stay strong when it comes to my ex.
Good luck with your taper, my advice is to take one day at a time, my dr has told me to try 3mgs but if I feel like I need 4 on a stressful day then to do it and not feel guilty about it, it does not mean you are failing it means you are llistening to your mind and body and taking care of yourself.
best of luck
Lauren

Quote :

it does not mean you are failing it means you are llistening to your mind and body and taking care of yourself.

No truer words were ever spoken. I am happy for you and it sounds like your life is headed in the direction it needs to be. Slow and easy and you will get there.
Much luck to you Lauren,
Dee