Checking In Today

Subject: Checking In Today Fri 29 Jul 2011, 2:37 pm

[b][i]

Hello,Dee,Beth and all passing thru.

Sorry,I've not been around this week. It seems there is not enough time in the day and I have no idea if I'm accomplishing anything.
I was sick a few days with my Lupus in the beginning of the week. Since then I've been kind of dragging along.

I've done all my research to get this Appeal going for my increase of dosage. Hopefully,today i will type up the letter.
I went from nonstop working on this to almost stopping it. I got so burnt out on it I needed to slow down but now I need to get back to it. There is a good chance I won't win this one but I must try.
I'm still full speed or nothing. Still trying to get to that middle ground.

Having Kristy back home has been great.
Things with my husband and I are a lil better. With me going to therapy I'm learning to not react to everything he says and that leaves him a bit surprised I'm sure.

Beth I have read about you still not finding a Provider and you going on your trip.
I also think I read that you were going to your old Dr. and was hoping he/she will get you thru till you can find one.
Girl,I know that is exhausting as hell.
If you don't mind me asking...Do you still have your daug. with you and how are things going?
How about your lil guy with the broken bone?
You sure have your hands full. I really don't know how you do it. Bless your heart.

Dee,how are you feeling these days.

I'll try to come back sooner. I'm sorry I've been away. I love this forum and ppl here and I'm so grateful to you all.

Much Love,
Marie I love you

Subject: Re: Checking In Today Fri 29 Jul 2011, 10:12 pm

Hey Marie,
As always it is good to see you and know that you are hanging in there.
Glad that your daughter has made it home and that you are able to spend time together. I am still working on my relationship with my daughters and the last of the four has gotten in contact with me.
She and I have much in common. Unfortunately this disease of addiction is one of them. She is in treatment though. She has been in MMT for a little over a year. It was a relief to her to find out that I am also taking a maintenance medication to help manage my opiate addiction.
I am the only one who she feels able to talk to about it. She says no one would understand if she told them, other than her husband and dad.
Her grandmother (she raised her) does not know and that is how she would like it to stay.

I am hoping to be able to have her visit sometime this winter if at all possible. She has never seen the snow and I'm sure my grandsons would love it. One day as it comes. We are starting fresh and she knows that any questions she has, I will answer.

I have a lot of different emotions going on all at one right now and it has been an experience. I've longed for this for what seems like forever, I hope that we will be able to rebuild a solid relationship.

Please keep us posted on how things are going.
Enjoy your weekend!
Always,
Dee

Subject: Re: Checking In Today Sun 31 Jul 2011, 11:43 am

Hi Marie, Dee & everyone!!

How are you all doing? I am working on trying to hang in there & just getting by moment to moment at the present time. There is nothing really too new for me to update anyone about that I haven't already written, especially in yesterday's novel that I put it all out there within that post. Marie, it was good to hear from you & to hear that your daughter is now living back with you as well as the situation with your husband is getting better also. I am sorry to hear that you have been sick. That never helps anything with your mental game when your physically beaten down. It sounds as if you are beginning to feel better though & thank God for that blessing! How is it going with Kristy living back with you now? Is it all that you had anticipated it would be like or how is that working out for you & her as well as the rest of your family? Does your son also live with you? I know that he has that girlfriend (wife?) with a son (your beloved grandson!!) but I don't know if your son actually stays with you or with them...? How are you handling all of this? Are you happy to have your kids back in the home or is it stressful for you, as well as for your hubby?

OK- I just wrote out an entire page of everything that is going on & accidentally hit "the button" that is placed directly in the area of my up & down arrows that erases everything that I had not saved as a draft, so I am just going to close this up as I have been working on it for 3 hours now & it is all gone. i just should've written it on Word & pasted onto here when I was finished. I know better- just didn't think that I was planning on writing that much.

Marie, to answer your questions real quickly. My little guy now his cast off & is doing much better, although he is not yet cleared for being 100% better yet. And yes, my daughter is still living with me & I have told my Mom that if she tries to take her in again for us disciplining her that I will be so very angry BC she is undermining everything that I am trying to teach her & kids just should not have that option. My Mom did agree with me, but who knows what she will actually do if my daughter shows up on her doorstep asking to stay there again? I will not be holding my tongue this time around if she would choose to do that again.

Dee, how are you doing? I haven't heard too much from you lately & that is not like you, so I am hoping that you are well & enjoying your summer! I would really appreciate hearing your opinion on that long post that I had written out a few days back after seeing my present doctor, but only if you have the time or anything to help lift me out of this numbness that I am feeling at the moment... I often rely on you to talk some sense into me to try to pull me out of this depression that I seem to fall into when I get to feeling so confused & overwhelmed. I did try to call you on a couple of different occasions, but your voice mail is full & there has been no answer, so I haven't had any luck in that aspect. I hope that you are well.

This is going to be a very hectic week around here as I have appointments on 4 out of the 5 weekdays- all except for on friday & that is the day that we are planning on leaving for this vacation. There has just been alot going on with me & I wish that I could just relax & get through it all step by step. I am getting through it, but it is much more like a fast paced race for time. I feel frantic all of the time recently or just feel like sleeping. Is that considered Bipolar Disorder? Probably is, but then these doctors are going to try to drug me up & make me into a walking zombie yet again.

I will talk to you all soon. If any of you have any advice for me, I would be happy for someone else who has gone through these type of issues to step up & post me about how to handle all of it. Thanks for listening though anyways.

Yours in this venture called life,
Beth I love you

Subject: Re: Checking In Today Mon 01 Aug 2011, 2:29 pm

Hi Beth,
I did start to respond to your post the other day and ended up putting in my drafts folder. I have had some emails to answer from patients and can't seem to get caught up lately.
I'm doing okay. Usual inlaw family drama has started up again and trying to stay out of it. It is hard though when the very people and drama you are avoiding bring it to your doorstep. I've told them numerous times that I don't want to be involved. It's not that I don't care or have empathy for some of the situations, I just don't see where I can help and not be put in the middle of it.

I promise to get the post out of my drafts and finish it up.
I am keep you in my prayers, you will get through this just as you have everything else that has been placed in your path over the last few years.
Try and have a good day, wise choice of words to your mom by the way. I agree completly. How can you as a mother take care of and make sure your daughter knows her boundaries if your mother is over stepping her bounds.

There is nothing wrong with her letting your daughter stay a night every now and then but to undermind what you and Matt are trying to do is another thing. I hope things settle down soon and she your daughter) sees that you are not the montser mom. But one who cares enough to have rules.
Love to you my friend!
Dee

Subject: Re: Checking In Today Tue 02 Aug 2011, 7:59 am

OK- I just have written out another post & once again, hit that "button" that is placed exactly in the wrong location on my keyboard (there are 6 keys in one location & 4 of them are my arrow keys, then the other 2 entirely erase everything that I have just written out....) Mad

I am going to have to just begin to remember that as short as I think that I am going to keep my post, they always seem to get longer on me than what I had expected & that I HAVE to write on Word first & then copy it all over if I don't want to continue to go through this frustration of writing for a couple of hours & then having it all be gone on me with one push of the wrong button. So, I will close up this little notation & head on over to Word & begin to write all over again... Sometimes it just seems pointless as writing it out twice never gets me any further & I feel like I have already gone through the same stuff over & over & yet over again. Sorry for the repeats that my posts seem to consist of lately- it is just what I am currently going through & I have no one else to really talk to this about or when I do, they tell me to just relax about it all & just get through today. If it were really that easy for me, then I wouldn't feel the need to get it all out of me. I would just ignore it & pretend that everything is just perfectly fine when I feel like I am not even close to fine at the moment. Yes, my addiction & recovery play a huge role in my emotions, but it is just life in general that is bogging down my mind right now...

I am heading over to Word now so that this does not happen yet once again.

Truly frustrated,
Beth

Subject: Re: Checking In Today Tue 02 Aug 2011, 10:08 am

Good morning Beth,
Remember also, when you are writing a post on the forum, you are "timed out" after 60minutes. So basically if your not done with your post within that hour you are logged out of the forum.
I know it is a great inconvenience and I've tried to change it in the past but it is one of the "features" of the forum. The longest I can get the time out to is 60 minutes.

Good luck I have my weekly counseling appointment this afternoon, it promises to be interesting. Do you remember my nephew? He was 17 last year when his first child was born? His 2nd is due this November and today he turns 18. Tomorrow, he will be married and later in the week he is heading to see the Naval Recruiter.
I have a lot of emotions about this as he is like my own son. I can't tell him what he should or should not do and at the same time I want to scream at him that he is still a child and please wait. He had plans to attend our local comm. College this fall but the mother of his children didn't agree with his decision. She wants him out there making money for her to spend and the Navy starting pay has put $$ signs in her eyes. He is so young and only has eyes for her.
True he should be able to make his own decisions and I respect that. I only wish he would stop and think about it for just a while longer.
I still haven't finished up my post to you.

I've been on the phone searching for providers not for me but for others who have been left without in my area. It is so sad but it seems to be happening everywhere.
I will talk with you later.

Subject: Re: Checking In Today Tue 02 Aug 2011, 10:57 am

Well, hello again to re-write this post that I have already written out & lost… And I don’t even know what to say now. I am sitting here for what has now been 2 ½ hours & now am at a loss for words when I had an entire post written out previously. Matt has been on a schedule where he gets up at 5:30 & I wake up at that time unable to go back to sleep, therefore I just get up & get my first cup of coffee, have a smoke & watch the sunrise as I write to all of you while my children are all still asleep. I feel like I continue to re-write the very same things everyday & don’t want to bore any of you, nor is it my intention to bog down your minds as mine currently seems to be caught in the cycle of recently. My recovery is going okay- no issues with that aspect as long as I still have a provider for my Suboxone. As you gals know, that is an uncertainty for me at the present moment. I am & still have been calling up to 3-5 different providers every single day to listen to them tell me that they have no openings since they are already seeing their maximum 100 patients OR that they are a cash only practice & do not deal with insurance companies. That pisses me off more than anything because these very same doctors will write out prescriptions for the narcotic painkillers & gladly accept your insurance, as well as the pharmacy will only charge you $5.00 or less for an entire script of Vicodin, but when it comes to those of us who want to be off of these drugs, they seem to feel as if they can rape us for any amount of money that they wish to charge. I wish that there was a law in place that if a person chooses to go into recovery from these narcotics, then there should be a sliding scale or make it a free service that the government will pay the doctor for, as these are the people that are attempting to improve their lives from the bondage of addiction. They seem to try to make recovery a very, very bumpy road to go down when it is hard enough to get off of these types of painkillers in the first place. It seems as if they are more than happy to write out these scripts for the narcotics & charge a patient next to nothing to get it filled, but to get off of them is a major pain in their arse. One would think that it should be the other way around as recovery is hard enough in the first place, but then there are all of these stipulations & paperwork & limits on how many patients these doctors can even see. Why isn’t there a law that a doctor can only write out narcotics to only 100 patients & that way if any of these patients do happen to get dependent upon them, then that same doctor who already knows your history, etc. can actually HELP the patient that is suffering rather than refusing to see you any longer since you or I or anyone in our situation now becomes too much of a liability to continue to see & truly help them out of a worse situation than what they probably actually started out with having? I believe that I told you all about getting rear ended when I was bringing my son home from the orthopedic doctor when he was still in his cast, but if not, I was on my way home from his appointment & was sitting at a red light completely stopped when a young man (19 years old) came barreling into me at about 25 mph & I chose to not even make a report against him because his car basically went underneath my van & he had much more damage than what I did, so I just let it all go, much to his relief. I felt fine & my son was in his 5 point harness car seat, so since there were no injuries & my vehicle did not have any damage other than some paint on the bumper & pushing my trailer hitch up a little tiny bit that could be pounded back down quite easily, I figured that it was not even worth it. Yet, by the next morning, I could not even move my neck or shoulder muscles & had spent the night getting more & more sore to the point of not even being able to sleep, so I went to the ER to get checked out the first thing the next morning. I had a classic case of whiplash & they ran their tests & basically told me that it would continue to get more & more sore for the next few days, they put me in a neck brace & told me to take it easy, as well as handing me prescriptions for Percocet, Flexeril & telling me to come back if I was not feeling better within the next few days. I told the doctor that I did not want that prescription of Percocet & could he please just give me a script for Motrin instead? He looked at me like I was from a different planet! He told me that I wouldn’t get nearly the relief from the pain from Motrin as I would get from the Percocet. I felt like he was trying to convince me to take the Percocet rather than just giving me Motrin. Why do our doctors seem to be the biggest drug pushers of all? I thought that he should be relieved that I didn’t want this narcotic, but instead just asked for a medication that would help the pain, maybe not as well, but I wasn’t asking him for anything that was addictive. I believe that he thought that I was crazy for not just taking that script for the Percocet & running out the door to hurry up & go get it filled. And honestly, the muscle relaxer along with the Motrin did me wonders. Yes, it did take a few days before I honestly began to feel even a little better, but I did not relapse when it would have been so easy for me to justify in my mind that I really did NEED that type of painkiller. I really don’t even know what my point is other than why do these doctors make it so difficult to get off of the addictive painkillers rather than just continuing to write them out, refill after refill, when they KNOW from their years of medical school that they can become so very dangerous?!? Just like the benzos… which this is a whole another story in itself. I had not even had any issues with benzos until I began to see my first Suboxone Provider. She knew that I was there with an addiction to opiates, so she puts me onto the benzos to help me (?) get off of the opiates. Here comes the cross addiction. Since then, I have gone to detox for them on 3 separate occasions to try to go off of them & my present Suboxone doctor who detoxed me from them now has me back on them as he feels that I do need this type of medication to calm me down in my mind. Well, it is no wonder that I feel as if I do need them as every doctor that I have seen has put me back onto them. I guess that if they feel like I do have this Bipolar disorder, then I do need to be on anxiety meds to calm my head down. So now I will go on about this diagnosis of the Bipolar disorder, which I am still trying to wrap my head around because I simply do NOT want to believe that this is true about me. I want to put all of the blame onto my addiction that I now seem to have under control, but as I have mentioned, this is not the first time that I have been told that I do have this disorder. And the addiction is simply just a part of having it because so many people who do have this disorder choose to self medicate because they feel so lousy that when they do use mind altering substances (usually alcohol) they feel so much better that they (we?) do not wish to return to that same state of mind that we feel as if we feel we have been freed by not having any longer. I won’t lie- right now, I wish that I was able to use opiates again just to relieve my mind from having to feel all of this pressure right now. Yet, I know what will happen in the long run & do not wish to return to that life threatening addictive lifestyle. But sometimes it feels as if ignorance is absolute bliss. I feel like these doctors don’t even know what they are talking about at times because they put this diagnosis onto me, put me onto the benzos as well as some sort of antidepressant. Well, you know me & I have done my research & a person with Bipolar should NOT be on antidepressants because it causes the symptoms of the Bipolar to worsen. The antidepressants cause suicidal thoughts as well as making this already depressed person even more depressed since it is not the same part of the brain that is already being affected. Not to mention that I have already been diagnosed with epilepsy about 15 years ago after extensive testing, so really, what the hell is really wrong with my brain? It simply feels as if it depends upon what doctor I am currently seeing. I have seen neurologists, psychiatrists, addiction specialists, general practitioners, counselors, as well as doctors who I have just seen such as in the ER. They all seem to have a different diagnosis for me, except for when I mention that I am an addict. They will all agree with me on that aspect, but do not feel as if they have the capability to continue to see me when they do not know the actual root of the problem. How am I supposed to figure this entire situation out on my own when I have been told so many different things by the “professionals” that I have seen regarding this ever crazy mind of mine? This is what I know- I have had seizures, I am addicted to opiate painkillers, I fight depression with a vengeance, I wake up nearly every single day with a headache that will not seem to go away (even with Tylenol, Excedrin or Motrin) & I am trying my hardest to not just go back to bed in a dark room for the rest of my life because I am so sick of feeling this way. I just want to wake up & feel good as most people are able to do & get through their days without this constant fight & worry that consumes me at all times. I pray, I try to better my perspective on my life, which is really not so bad if you are looking in at it all, I try, try, try… but it feels as if it is to no avail. I hate even going to the grocery store, much less doing anything more strenuous than making sure that my family has food. Yet, I still do it all. I get up every morning, write on here for too many hours of time, feed my kids when they wake up, get them ready to go for the day, figure out what I am going to make for dinner, go to my appointments which recently seem to be multiplying, clean this house, do laundry & everything else that needs to get accomplished that day. I raise these kids essentially on my own since Matt is the one who takes care of the financial end of it all & I know that is not an easy feat on his part. But sometimes, I am tired of getting them up, going through the same motions every single day & trying to get them back to bed at night, as well as the constant issues with having a teenager who has NO desire to actually help around this house unless I hold something over her head, such as she cannot see her boyfriend today until the dishes are done or the trash is taken out or some type of chore. Is that really asking for too much? I think not.

Anyways, this post has been all over the place & I am finally just going to have to close it up because it is now 10:30 in the morning & I have been on here since 5:30. I have also fed my kids in the meantime & got them dressed for the day, but I still feel like absolute crap & definitely need an attitude adjustment. I am open to any ideas that any of you may have since I obviously do not have any answers at the moment, only more confusion, as I am sure that you can all tell. But hey, thanks for listening to all of my confusing issues & I really hope that someone will respond to me to reassure me that life will get better or what is the point of it all to continue to write & fight this every single day? I am on overload & feel like I just might be on the brink of a break down. I really do have to go & get my day underway or it will never happen. Thank you for the support that I do receive from this forum.

Yours throughout this battle,
Beth

Subject: Re: Checking In Today Tue 02 Aug 2011, 9:29 pm

Beth
I am sorry to hear about the accident. I know your angry about the doctors, the amount of patients they can see in regards to prescribing Suboxone.
The doctor at the ER has taken an oath to help and I think that is what he was trying to do. Help your pain. Taking one prescription for Percocet would seem harmless to anyone else but because you are an I think if offended you.
Did you mention to the doctor that you are in recovery?
I am not trying to upset you or anything like that, but want you to try and look at this outside the box. There are some people who need pain medications but are unable to get them because doctors are afraid to prescribed them.
Not all doctors are alike. I agree something needs to be done about the limit of patients a Suboxone doctor can treat. And insurance companies need to be made to readily agree to pay for those services.
Medicaid needs to pay what other Insurance companies pay for services (or close to it) and Medicare needs to do something to insure their patients get access to medications as well. . In the state I live in a doctor who bills Medicaid for services is only paid a small amount of that charge so a lot of doctors don't want to even think about taking on Medicaid patients. I can't blame them. It makes me angry.
I have to admit that when I was first prescribed opiates the doctor did at one point tell me I shouldn't take them for too long as there was a risk of dependence. But I really didn't care or care enough to listen.
I've made my own bed and I have to live with my own decisions.
I know that you don't like the diagnosis of being Bi-Polar. That is one illness that seems to be used too often. What type of tests have been done to diagnose you with it?
You have a lot of anger pent up inside you. I don't know what to say to make it better for you. But I am here to listen. We all are. Do you think part of that anger might lead back to where your addiction started in the beginning?
I hate seeing you so angry, some days it seems like an obsession.
For a couple of days now I've been promising to finish up that other post to you so that is where I'm headed now. Try and get some rest.
yours,
Dee

Subject: Re: Checking In Today Wed 03 Aug 2011, 11:04 am

Hi Dee!

I began to respond to your post & got nearly finished with it just before I hit that darn button on my keyboard. I have become consumed & obsessed with the issues that have been going on with me recently & I certainly don't mean to do that. I just want to feel well again. I plan on keeping this very short as you guys have heard me complain for the last week or so way too often. I just am feeling like I am stuck in that pit of depression right now & my provider took me off 200 mgs of Zoloft cold turkey at my last appointment. My mind has been stuck on repeat of everything negative in my life that I can't seem to remember the good things that I do have. Just to answer a couple of your questions. Yes, I did tell that doctor in the ER that I was in recovery & it bothered me that he still came with the script for Percocet when he knew this information. As for the anger issues causing my addiction, all I can come up with on that topic is that I am not normally an angry person (how long have you known me?) but that if I do indeed have this Bi-polar disorder, then it is very possible that it is a contributing factor as 90% of people with this disorder try to self medicate to calm down the ups & downs that I feel. I imagine that I will need to be placed on a mood stabilzer such as Lithium (that is their favorite one to try first) but I already have tried that medication in the past & that is what I refer to as the walking zombie feeling. I just don't feel anything, good or bad because it makes me so out of it & I cannot take care of my children in that frame of mind. I guess that I will just see what this pysch doctor has to say tomorrow & hope & pray that he will work with me & be able to answer some questions that I do have about this disorder that I probably do have, despite being mad about it, I am just trying to absorb it all...
So, I will close this up & not go on about all of this any longer as I am just going to shut up about it all until I truly know what is going on with me. Sorry that you all have heard me obsess about my life's issues in such a negative manner & I won't be back on to go over all of this again. My thought for the day is to remain positive as there are much worse things that I could be enduring, despite what my mind is telling me... Thanks for pointing out the obvious Dee!

Yours in recovery,
Beth

Subject: Re: Checking In Today Wed 03 Aug 2011, 11:18 am

Beth I didn't mean to upset you. I hope you know that.
I care deeply about you my friend and would never want to hurt you. I could sit here all day and tell you how absolutely right you are. I am your friend and I want to help you work through this. I don't want you to "shut up" that is such a harsh word and I would never in my wildest dreams tell you to shut up.

The doctor in the ER sounds like a compassionate person, he really does. Do you remember when I was hit by the care a couple of years ago. I was in such pain and the doctors in the ER would not treat my pain due to the fact that I am in recovery. I was not given the option of pain medications but instead treated as a drug seeking addict.

My knee cap was misplaced to the other side of my leg. Completely the opposite of where it should have been and looked like ground round. (sorry to be graphic)
It wasn't until the next day when I went back and saw a different doctor that I was offered pain medication. I guess I'm just as sensitive as you are to the subject just in the opposite direction. Maybe we should exchange States.
All joking aside though, if I upset you I apologize, I never meant for that to happen.
I have to get off of here for now.

My nephew Jacob, (my heart next to Kris) turned 18 yesterday and is getting married this afternoon. Sad

and I still have a lot to do. But I will be back later.
Stay positive and be you.
Dee

Subject: Re: Checking In Today Wed 03 Aug 2011, 5:49 pm

[i][b]

Beth,PLEASE do not stop talking. I know for me and I speak for Dee as well we want to know how you doing. How you feeling. Talk till you can't talk anymore. Talk it thru.
I'm sorry I've not been around as much. I've got lots going on here.

Beth I do understand the feeling of being overwhelmed and raising kids on your own is rough. I know you have your hubby but since he works it's basically all on you. To have a teenager is even worse. If we can survive the teen years we deserve a reward.

Teenagers think they know everything. We are stupid and how dare they have to do chores. It's typical. I know you have had problems with your mom with your daug. I think I've told you that I went thru that with Kristy when she was a teenager. it makes it harder when they know they can run to someone else or think they will hold that over your head. They will try everything.
I promise you that this will pass. She will become a better young woman in time b/c you have been a Mother to her not a friend. I see so often women being friends instead of a mother b/c it's so much easier. We are always the bad guy. Try if you can to not take it personal she's just pushing to see how far she can push.
Trust me honey,I know it's exhausting and at times you feel you can't take it another day.

As for the Dr.'s with the Suboxone,that's become a outrage with the way they treat us so differently. I had no trouble getting any Dr. to take my Ins. on the opiates. Work on getting off them and it's a miracle that as many ppl that are in recovery with the problems we have to face with this "Cash" crap.
Surely,some day that will be changed. We have to hope for it that's for sure.

You sound so desperate for emotional relief and that's the worse,it takes everything out of you to just get thru the next hour. I don't think you giving yourself enough credit for all you do. You have LOTS on your plate and truly I don't know how you do it. I have said often that I don't know how ppl with young children are able to get in recovery and stay. it's very stressful.

If you do have to pay for a Dr. you can send a claim in to get your money back. I know coming up front with the money is not a easy task.

Do u have time to write in a journal? How about a daily Gratitude list? Gratitude list can be a tough one but it does help.

I wish I had some wise wisdom but I do know that as long as you stay in recovery you will make it. These are the times you have to share with us as much as you can.

Please try to stay in contact with us and let us know how you doing.

Are you still going on vacation? That might be a good thing for you and maybe your hubby can help you some.

Love,
Marie

Subject: Re: Checking In Today Thu 04 Aug 2011, 10:12 am

Thank you all for your supportive words & kindness!

I am going to see the psych doctor today & I refuse to sign any release of information papers BC I want his own honest & true opinion of what it is that I am going through. I believe that I will end up telling him that I have been diagnosed with this disorder for the 4th time now, but not until after he may bring it up. If not, then I want to hear yet another opinion since I have not really gotten any reasoning for why I have been given this diagnosis. I am not manic in the sense of being happy go lucky & all energized, unable to sleep for days or weeks at a time, but I do believe if this diagnosis is correct, then I may be hypomanic, which is where those symptoms don't show up nearly as often as the depressive side of it & I just feel "normal" so to speak. I don't suffer from the depression at these times & can actually laugh. I really don't remember the last time that I have really truly been able to laugh about much of anything. I smile at the things that my kiddos do that are really funny to me, yet most of the time, I feel frustrated by doing all of this cleaning & having them destroy it all yet once again for me to just have to start over. I think that I am just having a rough go of it all lately & at that, I will stop talking about it all. I still have so many things to accomplish before going on this trip tomorrow night, as well as all of the things that will need to be accomplished as soon as I return from the beach. I will start all of that with appointments already scheduled for that Monday after we return that w-end. I can only do what I can do today & I have been getting major things handled recently & am probably just on overload.

Thanks again for the friendships that I have here & I am sorry that I have just been venting & spewing negativity for the past week or more. That is not how I normally am & I hope & pray more than anything to get that perspective back going in my life.

Thank you all again!
Beth

Subject: Re: Checking In Today Wed 28 Sep 2011, 5:55 pm

Beth,
I know it upsets you, the not knowing is the worst.
Kris as you know suffers from PTSD and OCB.
There are days when he is a normal 18 year old young man ready to live his life to the fullest. There are days when he just looks so sad it breaks my heart and I want to cry because I feel helpless to do anything about the way he feels, then he has the days when he is so happy and energetic. On those energetic days, he can't seem to find enough to do.
When he was younger I was told he was such a "busy lillte boy" (The schools code for ADHD.)

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