Welcome Bulldoglover

Bull Dog Lover, you still around? Just wanted you to know you are still getting support from us. Just let us know how you're doing and ask you not to give up. Dee had a lot of good information, there's not much I could add. Just keep hanging in there. It's one day at a time. Your friend, Ms. Barbara

Hey Bulldog,
I always seem to go on & on, so I'm going to try to keep this short. As Dee had said, hang in there, your so close now! Things will be so much better for you very soon!!
Also, when I posted yesterday about inpatient rehab- well, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not a good one to say which is better, in vs. outpatient as I didn't have the opportunity to try the inpatient to know. I just wondered if I would've been or stayed clean sooner if I had gone into one and gotten myself "right." But I could play "what if" about the entire situation all day & it still is what it is now. Just wanted you to know that I was simply throwing out ideas about what I may have done differently & that includes some inpatient time for myself, for MY recovery. That's all that I was trying to express in that big, long post above. (sorry, I just ramble!) Also, I wanted to make sure that I made it clear that although I didn't have the inpatient time, once I started taking the Subs, I was able to stay clean. (I had one "booboo" in Aug, 3 months after I started taking it) But other than that mess up, I've done really well & my life is improving, getting better. I feel stronger & have more self worth than I have in a long time, knowing that I'm not doing "wrong." You may not even need the inpatient care once you start the Suboxone is what I guess I'm trying to say..
See, even when I try to keep it short, yeah right! I'm going to end this now & attempt to get some tasks accomplished around here today! I'll be on & off throughout the day & would love to hear more from you. Hang in there!
Your Friend in Recovery,
Beth

Im here had talk last night. I slept some finally dont think she got much sleep. I told her every ting that I ve been doing think she go information overload. Maybe got more than she bargined for. She said she would go with me to the Doc this will be better I think I was worried bout driving home,

Im here had talk last night. I slept some finally dont think she got much sleep. I told her every ting that I ve been doing think she go information overload. Maybe got more than she bargined for. She said she would go with me to the Doc this will be better I think I was worried bout driving home,

Good to hear back from you Bulldog!
(Do you prefer that I continue calling you Bulldog or do you have another name that your comfortable sharing? I'm not trying to pressure you what so ever.. Bulldog is cool with me, just wondering??)
I'm glad to hear that you & your wife had the opportunity to talk things out last night. That's a difficult conversation to have, I really do know that, having to tell the person that you love the most what point this addiction has gotten to.. Stay strong & know that you are now doing the right thing, many cannot even get to this point. "Many people know that they have an addiction, only the strong will take the steps to correct themselves." I didn't quote that verbatim as it was a message I heard at a group meeting, but that I particularly appreciated.. almost like I heard it at a time that I really needed to hear it!! Does that make sense how I worded it?? I think that my words seem confusing sometimes.. Just letting you know that from my experience in the last 8 to 9 months since I've been on the Suboxone, honestly, my personal relationship has struggled. He didn't know that I was even using until the very end & by then, I'd been lying to him for so long, trying to cover everything up, that he didn't know when to believe me, even if I was telling the truth.. He had a horrible perception of me, looked at me like people look at "junkies" like I'd intentionally chosen & wanted to get to this point of addiction.. Apparently, I just didn't even care about him or my family & if I could be that selfish, something had to be morally or ethically lacking in me & he refused to participate in a using relationship. As well as wanting to know what he'd done "wrong" that I felt like I "needed" drugs to function?? He took it very personally, especially when we had the converstaion like you had last night, where you tell them everything.. like you said, information overload. (maybe more than they bargained for??) He was most especially hurt that I'd kept it from him.. he was wicked embarressed by the fact that he felt like he didn't even know what was going on in his own home & with his family. Most especially hurt that I couldn't come to him. He knew that I was hooked on Vicodin before, but I'd gotten off of them for a little over 2 years & relapsed. But when I relapsed, I never stopped, I just continued using & now I'd switched to OCs. Things were going bad real fast, my tolerance was so high, it was like a monster that I could never keep full!! I never had enough & I sure didn't know how to live without them. I got caught up with these pills in my late teens & have fought this disease on & off for the past 15 or more years. I never learned to live or cope as an adult without having a "mothers little helper" available. I started getting my first pills from my softball coach in a traveling summer softball league. He is a dentist. After I graduated from high school & had started college, I started working for him in his office as a dental assistant. I stayed there for 11 years.. I had easy access to whatever I told him that I needed. I was eventually hooked on the opiate pain meds & he definately used that as a power tool over me, control.. Anyways, sorry Bulldog, I always do this, go on & on, but this is the most of my past story that I've put out there so far. Like everyone's story, it's a doozy, best for another time. The only point that I was really trying to get across to you is that although we have struggled personally, things are improving. If it were not for the Suboxone, I don't believe that we'd even still be together, as well as me being able to raise my babies! I am getting the chance to correct myself & show that I really am trustworthy when I'm not "jones-ing for pills" everyday, as well as being worried about having my stash for the next day because how was I going to possibly live without them?? My life has changed so much for the better since I've been on the Subs & I'm actually starting to earn back, regain some of that trust that I'd lost with my husband. What a miracle!! I'm telling you all of this to try to send some hope & encouragement your way, to let you know that sometimes what feels impossible really can be possible. Your in my thoughts & will continue to send strength your way to make it until your appointment on Thursday. (and after!) But once you start the Subs, you will feel so much better!! Stay well & keep in touch.
Yours,
Beth

Beth,
I am so proud of you. Little by little you are starting to share more of your story, it is a big step to take, to be able to talk about what you have been through. Thank you my friend.

Bulldog,
As hard as it must have been for you, I am glad that you shared with your wife what is going on. And I'm sure it was also hard for her to hear. It will be harder for her to understand, but she sounds like she is going to be here for you.
When I was reading the post that Beth wrote I had to realize that it must really be hard on our families to hear what we have to say. I have always been on the "telling" side of it and not on the listening side. What they must think. But addiction is a real disease, the best thing that you can do for both you and your wife is to educate her about the disease. The more she learns the better off both of you will be.
Your into the countdown now. How are you sleeping? Are you tapering now? If it gets to be too bad, try taking hot baths, and to help you sleep you can try taking melatonin, it is non narcotic and you can buy it most anywhere. Wal- Mart carries it on their shelves in the pharmacy dept down the vitamin isle. The sooner you start to take care of yourself the better. Eating right, taking vitamins, and increase the fiber in your diet. Suboxone like any other medication can be constipating. ( sorry to have to say that) I don't mean to sound like your mother, but that is me. Nag, Nag, Nag. ( ask my son)
Okay that's it for now. Sleep with the angels
Yours
Dee

Im just checking in. Im trying to stay on this taper but I did more than i meant to yesterday but I was up till like 4 am.

You're doing the best you can one day at a time and you are doing beautifully. It will only be less than a week and you'll be so glad you made the choice you did. Your wife, friends and the rest of your family will notice the differance right away. I'm glad you checked in, this shows responsibility and thinking of us here whom are wondering how you are. Just keep as still as you can, Ensure meal drinks help put vitamins back into your body and they taste good. Oh, when you send a private message, you can read the rest of them. Yours in the struggle, Ms. Barbara

I just read that Bupe is being ued to treat BI POLAR disorder. I ve have often wondered if I was Bi Polar this could be interesting. Hope it works.

Hi Dee,
Thank you, as always, for your continued support!! I've only recently been feeling more able to speak about my past. You & Barbara make me feel comfortable to talk about these types of things as I know that you can understand why?? You were accurate in what you were telling Bulldog about telling his wife being the best possible thing, as well as getting her more educated on the whole disease factor of addiction so that she understands where he's coming from. At least, understands more than trying to deal with it blindly. It's really hard for someone to understand if they haven't gone through it, even some of us that have gone through it wonder how we could have done some of the things that we've done? You know what I'm saying girl!! It's hard for that "significant other" to learn to trust you again when they trusted you before & you were lying to them. Especially when they feel that their world was turned upside down- the rug being pulled out from beneath their feet!! Now, he almost tries to look for it, tries to trick me into confessing that I'm still doing something, just to make sure! Sometimes I get really pissed & mad about these such things, but I try to remember that he never acted this way to me before all of this happened & this is his reaction to MY actions!! That's a hard pill to swallow sometimes, the truth! I try to keep his feelings in mind & why he's coming from where he's coming from, so that I don't fly off the handle all pissed off at what I've created!! That doesn't give him a "free pass" to act like a jerk, don't get me wrong, but I try to keep in mind where he's coming from these days & trying to regain trust together. We really are doing better all the time. As I've previously mentioned, even these short bursts of out of town work may continue to be good for us, for our relationship, to have some time away to remember why we miss each other?? Does that make sense? It's a good reminder.. He had even gone down to southern Ohio to work yesterday & the guys that he's working with had decided not to start until Monday because they wanted to go to a party last night & watch football today, then start work tomarrow. They figured they wouldn't tell him until he got down there, so that he'd just stay instead of going back home. He stayed down there & worked yesterday, then came home last night to be with us until tomarrow morning. That really meant alot to me that he wanted to be here.. You understand what I mean? Things are going well with us right now..
How is everything with you girl? Are you doing okay? I read that you were out walking yesterday, is your leg feeling better? Were you okay while you were walking, mentally I guess is what I mean, since you've just recently been hit by that taxi driver? Were you scared & watching everything? I still just cannot believe that whole situation, but I've given you my opinion about that man & what I think should happen to him!
I'm needing to get this closed for now & get these kiddos handled.
Talk to you soon!
Love Ya,
Bethy

HI Beth,
Oh yes. I was definately watching everyting while I was out walking, I didn't mean to walk, but I did miss that bus. The hardest part was that it was the first time I was out without the leg brace on. So today I haven't gone anywhere. Just taking it easy and reading the posts. ( But I do have brownies in the oven). One of my inlaws was out yesterday and saw the guy that hit me, he is still driving the cab, it was too much for her to handle, she started yelling at him, and even told his customer to be careful that he might run her over if she got in the way. Oh my.
Well off to read the posts, we have new members it seems that we grow more and more everyday.
Yours,
Dee

Bulldog,
Every day it seems that they are discovering more uses for different medications. Do you remember where you read that article? I'm always on the lookout for news, so I'd really like to read that one.

How's your taper going? Don't try to do too much at one time. You still have until Thursday, our Kerboshkie, has his first appointment tomorrow, I can't wait to see how the both of you do. But I know that you will be fine, if you needs us we are here. We aren't going anywhere.
Yours
Dee