Hi Bethy, I miss you

Hi Ms. Barbara!!
How are you feeling, Sunshine?? Have you been getting my posts in the past couple of days while you were having the work on your computer done? Not that its been anything all too important, other than me wanting to make sure you are staying off your foot, as your "ordered" to, that you've been keeping it up & elevated girl?? As I said earlier, I sure don't want to sound like a nag to you, but I care so much about you & want you to heal properly!! As that's exactly what you'd say to me if it were the other way around!! I know that you have "cabin fever" right now & especially when your missing out on money. That's exactly how Matt's feeling right now too!! All I continue telling him as well, is that you have to take this time now, so that it doesn't end up costing you more later.. You know what I'm saying sweetie?? Even though its hard to do, try to focus on the fact that even though you are home, maybe your here at this certain time for someone else that needs you & we can't even realize or see why yet?? Does that make sense? Sometimes we don't know or understand God's reasonings, but I'm so glad that in your case, hopefully, with the proper healing time, your foot is going to feel better than ever!! You'll be able to run with your horses!! (or something like that!?!) Love ya girl!! Hang in there!!
Talk with you soon!!
Love Your Friend,
Bethy

Hi Ms. Barbara!!
Yes, I am a long winded, "Chatty Cathy" type of person. I guess that I never even realized it that much until I started reading back my own posts on here!! But, as you said, after I get it out, I feel like a different person. I really need a place like this to be able to come talk to others who understand these feelings that I'm having & vice versa. I didn't have much success with the AA or NA type meetings, but I really enjoy counseling as well as this forum for sharing. More of a group gathering, but we can also get the one-on-one, if needed.. I'm loving that we are still having more members join each day!! It's someone else making the change in their life towards happiness & a bright future again!! It's always very inspiring for me & reminds me of where I need to be, & what I need to be doing. I always say it, but I love this forum!! I have found incredible friends here & am so thankful for that!! I'm hoping that one day, I will actually get to meet you & Dee & Deborah face to face, as I already feel like we know each other!! It's been pretty exciting in Dee's part of the world right now with having a new baby boy around!! As we know, her niece is very lucky to have her around!! I wish that we all lived closer together as I'd love to be able to pass on clothing or babysit, etc. Precious little babies!! Although, at 10 pounds, he was hardly a "little" baby!!
Well, I'm going to wrap this up for now & attempt to get some things accomplished around here today!!
We'll see how that goes!!
Hope all is well with you!!
Talk to you soon!
Love,
Bethy

Hi Ms. Barbara!!
How are you love? You said the stitches are coming out tomarrow? You definately should go get a pedicure!! Your on your way now girl! I'm so glad to hear that your feeling better! It would be so very nice to be able to come visit you in Orlando!! Maybe that's something I could try to plan for in the future to actually make it happen. I'd love to be with you in your 70 degree weather today, that's for sure!! It's 8 degrees here & I have no idea about the windchill today because its still snowing so hard that its not safe to leave the house with the roads the way that they are. The salt from the salt trucks & plow drivers doesn't work if its below a certain temperature outside. I think that temp is right around 20 degrees & we haven't been near 20 degrees in days!! That'd feel like a heat wave!! Brr!
I'm just going nuts being stuck here in this house day in & day out! It's fine most of the year because I can still take the babies for walks & play outside. We go swimming & the days are so much longer! I am looking forward to spring! Big time! I don't want to sound like I'm wishing my days away, just the cold weather. Starting around this time every year, I start getting the "cabin fever" & in the past have always seemed to make stupid, impulsive decisions around this time of the year. I believe that it's probably due to boredom because that's how I desparately feel right about now & haven't known how to cope with these urges before. March always seems to be my absolute worst month because I feel like I've just dealt with winter for too long.. I've had some really bad things happen during the Marches of my past.. It's really strange for me to be able to look at that pattern now & see it. I still don't know if I know how to properly deal with it, this inner restlessness, but I know self awareness can't hurt the situation. I'm antsy!
I don't even know if this makes sense to anyone else, or if it could still be a withdrawl type feeling, as I stopped using benzos at the same time as the OCs? I feel like I've never been able to "quite get comfortable" again since being off all those "downers" & relaxants, as I was very relaxed then! Am I unable to do it, unable to become relaxed again on my own? And its been 9 months, how long will this last, if it is due to the benzos? Wouldn't you think that those feelings would be gone by now? It scares me to think that I've possibly caused permanent brain damage & won't ever know how to feel quite good again?? Like I'm still longing for that feeling of feeling "good!" It makes me remember why I started experimenting with alcohol & drugs in the first place. Then, as I began to like them & other situations were going badly, they became my way of coping. I almost feel like I don't know how to be happy, but I know that is bullshit because I often find myself singing & laughing with my kids & husband. I know that what I'm saying isn't making any sense, but sometimes even now, I feel like I'm still yearning for more? Yet, this has been my problem my whole life because I still don't know what I'm looking for. I don't even know what I'd want to be different. (except to be rich!- but I think that's everybody's dream!) I just have to stay as busy as possible right now because I know first hand that my idle hands are the devils playthings! As I said, staying busy is a requirement! That's another reason that I was looking forward to school so much, but as you know, there are just so many reasons that it disappoints me. "Running to Stand Still.." Although, I have to keep things in perspective & know that I'm certainly not standing still!! To take the action to get this disease under control & maintain that, while raising my kiddos & running this household. Then, when my financial aid gets figured out, I can actually start back into my classes! Like I keep saying, trying to remind myself as well, that just because it isn't my timing doesn't mean its the wrong timing! Back to my referral to Unanswered Prayers.." I just have to stay busy in the meantime!! I want to get a part time job, at least. Nothing too much, just some hours out of the house as well as the financial gain!
I have to close this up for now. Hope to check back on later!
Let me hear what's going on with you!
Love Your Friend,
Bethy

Beth, I hope you don't mind me popping in here but I just had to. You said you feel really restless and not relaxed. I feel that way all the time. You have to try a accuponture(lousy spelling). I went a couple of times and it totally relaxed me for a couple of days. If you don't have one near you try a professional massage. Could you have seasonal depression? What also helps to keep me out of trouble is structure. I been trying to make a list everyday of things I need to get done to keep me focus. I hope some of these ideas help you. Cathy

Hi Cathy,
Thanks for the ideas!! I'm willing to try about anything (other than meds) to try to figure out how to deal with these feelings. I've never tried accupuncture, but have also heard what you'd said, that it's very relaxing! I love getting a good massage, but aren't able to afford much extra right now. That seems ironic, as I didn't have the money for the OCs either, but certainly managed to come up with it.. I'm so relieved to have that burden of constantly needing more & more money to be able to keep up with my tolerance, finally lifted from my shoulders. That was a heavy load to carry for over a decade of my life! It's even taken a little while to learn how to walk upright & straight again, rather than having that "opiate load" weighing me down! That created much inner stress, as I'm sure you understand! Now, I am also one who makes "lists" to help myself through & can look at it later to see that I really have spent my day getting things accomplished. (even if its just laundry, dishes, baths, dinner, etc..) I guess that's where it gets me, because I'm so used to having to do all of these things, as well as work. Therefore, it makes me feel like I'm "slacking!" Yet, really I don't know how much more I could fit into my schedule as the things that I'm doing now aren't exactly optional.. That's what my hubby keeps pointing out, but then having his work slow, he gets frustrated either way. The way that he wants it to be is out of his control at the moment. He's used to forty hour work weeks at bare minimum, now with the economy struggling, people aren't putting out the money to remodel, rebuild, build new, etc. There are entire weeks that he doesn't have work right now, but then he'll end up working long days for the next two weeks straight. (weather permitting!) This is what makes it difficult. When he's home for several days, we're both looking at each other like I need to be working if he's home. But then, when I get a job, I need him to be able to be home with these kiddos & as he gets work, like I said, its long hours & several days in a row. That means that he can't guarantee that he'll be able to get home in time for me to leave, as he makes much more per hour than what I do, he can't afford to miss those hours of pay! It feels like a "Catch 22!" We'll get through, we always do..
When you suggested the seasonal depression, well, you hit the nail right on the head!! I always joke that I am "solar powered", but there's alot of truth to that statement.. I have a really rough time in the winters! Every year, as it starts to get further & further into winter, I always swear that I'm going to move away! Then, it starts getting warm again & I realize that I made it through another winter. As if that's supposed to be comforting?? I've thought about moving to warmer year- round temps for all of my life, but with my family being here, I don't know that it'd really ever happen. Do you also struggle with the seasonal depression? Do you have any suggestions for that?
I had to laugh when you told me about your dogs, that the little one is the boss! That always reminds me of the big dogs in the cartoons! Or when the dog is running from the cat..
On a more serious thought, though, I can really relate to what you & Dee were talking about with having the temptation of narcotics at work. I worked in the dental office for eleven years. There were several types of narcotics, as well as Valium, etc. I also thought that I shouldn't work in that type of environment any longer, as I knew that I'd end up in more trouble. (that's a tale for another day!) People close to me still don't understand why I won't return, but I think it's for the best. It's kind of funny to me because my sister's husband is a dentist & then, my youngest sister works for him. I'd worked in the dental field long before he graduated & no one could understand why I didn't go to work for him when he started practicing, as well. Their probably more relieved than they know that I never did go to work for him. That most likely prevented big time family issues!!
I'm going to close this up for tonight. As always, its great to hear from you! Hope all is well in NY tonight & that your staying warm!!
Talk to you soon!
Your Friend,
Bethy

Hi Dee, I hope you saw my other post. I already forgot where I wrote it. Can you give me the name of those lightbulbs? When I was diagnoise for seasonal depression my dr put me on a anti-depressant. I also heard st.johns wart works very well, Beth might want to try that but you can't mix with other Anti-depressant Meds. Another good idea and I heard it does really work even in the coldest of temps. is to go out side for atleast 10 mins. day for sunshine. Thanks Dee for your ideas. Have a great evening. Cathy

Hi Dee & Cathy,
Thank you for the ideas for sunshine or lack there of, in this case. I do take an anti-depressant for anxiety & Post Partum Depression. I'm on Zoloft. Maybe I need to talk to the doctor about a possible increase in my dosage in the winter. I don't know, but I'm hoping that I'll find something to help alleviate these restless feelings! Just wanted to let you know that I appreciate both of your quick responses with ideas on all of that. I'm going to ask you guys for more specifics tomarrow, if possible..
Ms. Barbara, I also wanted to say hello to you girl. How did everything go at the doctor for you today? Are you like a new woman? Hoping all is well!!
I've got to get myself to bed & attempt to get some sleep..
Sleep well, my friends!
Talk to you tomarrow!
Love,
Bethy

Hi Ms. Barbara!
Another week yet?? I'm sorry that it hasn't gone as you'd hoped, but I'm glad that the doctor is waiting if he/she feels that's what you need to heal properly. Yet, I can completely relate to needing out of the house!!!! It's still cold here, as well. It's been snowing for about a week straight now. It's about a foot deep or so.. And still extremely cold!! Yet, I'd rather have this than the ice that your getting down there! Please be careful if your out on the roads! As I've mentioned before, I wrecked my car on the ice last February & totaled my car out! I've been really scared & nervous being out on the ice since then. That last year of my use, I was a terror on the roads & on all of our vehicles. (three vehicles, as a matter of fact!) I wrecked three seperate times, in three seperate vehicles, within six months. As well as getting an OVI charge for the last one! "Operating a Vehicle Impaired" I know that I always say this, but I can't believe that I'm not dead!! And, how lucky is the fact that during all three of those accidents, I never had my children with me. I'm with those kiddos 90-95% of the time, also at that time. God was truly watching over us!! I'll have to tell you more about this story, but most likely, not today.
I wish that you did live close to me!! We love brown eggs!! I know that I've told you before, but we are also on a farm & raise chickens. We are spoiled by the brown eggs, as we don't get them at this time of the year. I wish that we could sit down to have a cup of coffee together & be able to just talk!! I'm very thankful to have gotten to know you, Ms. Barbara Rue!! I consider you one of my closer friends & really appreciate that, as I wasn't expecting this when I first came onto this forum. Yet, not only have I met & love you, but Dee & Deborah as well. I feel like I just instantly "clicked" with you girls, and Mez! I don't normally feel like this with most people because I often don't feel understood, or that I necessarily understand them? In having experienced this addiction, I think that I'm not nearly so worried about "trivial" material things, etc as many people are. But, they've also not had to expend so much energy in other areas of their life, as we have, that those type of things still seem quite important!
Is this making sense how I'm wording it? To put it bluntly, I love you girls & the friendships that I've formed here!! As well as feeling like I'm continually meeting new people to get a chance to get to know!! It's great!!
I'm needing to close this up & figure out what I'm going to put together for dinner.. I haven't been home all day, so I'm getting a late start!
I'll be back on shortly. I look forward to the time that you feel like your able to share about your children with me, but don't want to pressure you until your ready & comfortable to talk about it. This is something that I've been thinking about lately also. I want others to be able to share with me, so I need to be capable of doing that as well! I've also realized that after I do share about these past memories, I seem to be able to "deal" or "cope" with it better. Hopefully, by us being able to discuss these things, we can figure out ways to put them behind us, as much as possible!
Love You Girl!
Talk to you soon!
Your Friend,
Bethy

Hi Sweet Dee!!
Girl, your never "taking over" a post! I appreciate your response & that your also willing to share with me. It shows me even more that you really do understand the struggles that I deal with due to my past.. I remember that cold cement floor all too well!! What a horrible time in my life that I still can't believe that I made it through sometimes. I'm very lucky and grateful to be here & be alive & well.. Your right, where would we be without the miracles of these maintenance meds? Thank you God, once again!!
I'm glad to hear that your niece & the baby are doing well. That's got to be a big relief for you!! Not to sound so selfish, but I missed you while you were tending to her!! She's so lucky to have had you there with her!! Has her mother come to see her & her new grandson yet?? Did she try to check out the meds?? How did you react to that situation? Or maybe she didn't even come??
I need to close this up for now, but also sent you a PM earlier today about moving that post to under the "Sub Stories" if we could. If you could either let me know how to do it or go ahead & move it, if its not too much on you, as I don't know what it entails. Just let me know either way you want me to do it..
Hope your having a great day!
Talk to you soon!!
Love,
Bethy

And, once again, thank you for the beautiful tag!!
That's very thoughtful of you!!
Love Ya!

Hi Dee!
I'm sorry to hear that your sister-in-law did indeed live "up" to those expectations that you already had about her.. you knew before it even happened. It's almost amazing how you can look at an addicts life & see the "addiction curve" taking place in their lives & the predictable behaviors that will occur, as well as the tragic end if they do not choose recovery. I can easily see it when I look back at my past & the path that my addiction made me choose to take!! I'm just so very thankful for being able to see it now & for having the opportunity, or the chance to be able to stay in recovery!! I'm holding onto it like a life raft.. Recovery & hope!!
Thank you for moving those posts for me, as I realized that I should've probably put it under that heading to begin with, but as I said, I wasn't really planning on or expecting to write so much. Then, once I did realize how long it actually was, I didn't know if I started writing it under the "Sub Stories" if it would all be out of order. I also thank you for your encouagement on that post, as I sure did put it out there!! But it is what it is now & there's obviously nothing that I can do to change my past now, as I tried living that way for many years too! Yes, that guy, the dentist, is still currently practicing at the same place!! He's called me several times throughout the years since then, trying to re-establish a relationship, but after speaking to him a couple of times, I realized all over what he wanted & who he really is, the kind of person that he truly is.. Also, I don't want to jeopardize any of the stability that Matt & I are continuing to try to rebuild.. As you know, he's really stuck by me through thick & thin, he really, genuinely loves me & cares for my well being. I love this man!! I have also been a good woman to him as well. I know that it may not sound like it with my lying ways due to the drug addiction, but since being back home & having the babies, he never suspected that I'd actually relapsed. I still was able to keep up a good "front" for a long period of time before it all had to come out again! I've taken care of the house & the kids & my job & him, despite using drugs while doing it all. I had a harder time trying to do it without the drugs, as you know what that's like. But I was spinning further & further out of control at a fast pace. Especially by adding the Adderall & Zanax to the mix. Not that the Zanax was new, but I'd never snorted anything before & now I was mixing them with 80mg OCs & Adderalls.. I'm so lucky! I'm very thankful that I'm still able to be here with my husband & babies, that my parents have been able to forgive me for the hurt that I've caused them, but mainly, I'm thankful to be alive!! I wasn't feeling grateful for my life for way too many years & I'm feeling like the luckiest woman in the world these days!!
I have to close this up for tonight, as my 13 year old daughter is waiting to jump onto the computer. She wants to check her "MySpace" account..
Thanks for everything girl, I love ya!
Talk to you soon!
Love,
Bethy