I'm so upset

Subject: I'm so upset Tue 24 Aug 2010, 9:35 pm

Yes, I'm upset! I got up at four this morning to feed the horses and everything else I do when I have to be somewhere at eight in the morning. I had no coffee because they said nothing to eat or drink after midnight. I sat and waited an hour to be called. Got called, had to strip down to my undies and put on that gown in which you have less on if you was wearing nothing. I got all I.V. set- up and then they told me there was a mistake...I was to be there on Thursday. I had to keep my cool or I would have lost it. I just agreed and called my doctor's office and they said They made the mistake on the paperwork. At least my blood work was done and I don't have to go throught that again. See, even when you got it together, you can get blown away. I can't afford to get all mangled over stuff cause it takes me days to get back to normal. I didn't even dose this morning. I thought I was doing good until this happened. By the time I got home, I was a mess. I've calmed down for my Moms' sake. She hates to see me upset. I got dinner cooked and even made a cake.

Thanks for letting me dump all of this on you. Tomorrow I have to drive into Orlando with the road for twenty miles torn up to the Suboxone doctor. Then Thursday I have to drive into Kissimmee to the hospital and be there at eight again. They say you will go to any length to stay clean and take care of yourself...well, I'm doing 100%. Thank God for people like you who will listen and care.

I love you all,
Barbara

Subject: Re: I'm so upset Tue 24 Aug 2010, 11:53 pm

Hi Barbara,

That sucks. Sad

In what seems like almost a former life for me, I used to be very active in a Zen organization that has a few groups in Florida, and probably a couple hundred worldwide including full-on monasteries and centers, etc. During that period of time, I had a very strong and regular sitting practice.

The reasons why I stopped being active in the community and discontinued my daily practice are both long and complicated and, no doubt, at least partially unknown to me. It has nothing to do with opiates as I had stopped practicing well before I got on pain medication.

Anyway, one of my constant hopes for myself is that I get back into a regular practice. I’m still quite fortunate for all the hard work I put into the meditation cushion. Even as distracted and wrapped up in myself as I may get, I still can access that awareness….the actualization of - all things are created by mind and mind alone. It’s not some sort of philosophical thing…it’s not a thought…it’s a state of being where – if you are driving, only driving…if you are typing, only typing…if you are crying, only crying.

These days it seems like my moments of clarity are not nearly what they used to be. I am carried away by thinking…and become very attached to it. But….regardless of how far away I get carried, it’s extremely comforting to know that – at any given time – should I choose to return to this moment, that it is available to me.

I bring all this ‘cause for some reason I think it might help. Even when we can’t actualize it, I think at least on an intellectual level, we can all agree that the only real thing in this life is this one moment right now. And…it’s always right there for us…when we choose to be in it.

Smile

Cheers,
Darin

Subject: Re: I'm so upset Wed 25 Aug 2010, 9:46 am

Good morning Barbara,
I understand you being upset over having to get up, get ready, go without coffee, medication got all ready just to be told it was a mistake on the paperwork.
But there is some good in there somewhere.
You were able to get up and get the things that needed to be done earlier than usual, leaving time for later for other things that maybe needed to get done.

You said that you " Thought you were doing good until that happened" You were doing good. Look at how you felt having done all that you did. How was your mood before the let down? Good? Bad? The point is that you did good. You felt good. And even after being let down you were still able to focus. You were still able to go home and bake a cake.
And your right, you don't need to get all "mangled" over a mistake that someone did on some paperwork. Mistakes happen all of the time, sometimes though it seems that they never end. Before recovery we all want to be "normal" that is about as normal as you can get. And through it all, you did not pick up and use. You made it through another day.
And you will make it through the drive through the construction site today, you will probably sneak a peek at some of those muscle bound workers.
Thank God for the ability to see another side of things and keep on moving forward.
Don't ever think that you are "dumping everything" This board if here for everyone to come and talk about what is bothering them along with what is good in life.
Later on today you can come back and talk about what a good day you had.
Enjoy the day!
Dee

Subject: Re: I'm so upset Wed 25 Aug 2010, 10:53 pm

Hi Dee and Darin,

So sweet of you to send such an indepth reply. I can tell when something is well thought out rather than just words. Thank you. I also didn't tell you when I went for the original blood work, I had to come back the next day because the girl trying to draw the blood hit me six times, leaving bruises and lumps in both arms and hands. I was hot! She wouldn't let me hit myself...saying it wasn't covered by their insurance or some crap.

Well, I go again in the morning and have to be there by 8:00, so this is short. I haven't been on line today cause I had to go put money in the bank to pay the bill.
Darin, I think meditation would be good for me because I seem to be all over the place. My mind just spins over and over everything that's going on. Just to be in that space of nothingness. I'll start reading.

Nite nite to you both. It was so good to read both of your posts.
I'll give you a full report when I get back. They said I have to have four hours of bedrest when I get back. This should be good. I'd rather get up and do something that needs to be done than try to explain myself.

Yours for the good,
Barbara