Want to say hello

Subject: Want to say hello Wed 28 Jul 2010, 7:23 am

Hello
I started Suboxone treatment recently and stumbled upon this board while doing some research about suboxone treatment.
I have been addicted to Heroin for the last 2 1/2 yrs and to oxycontin for a yr prior. I consider myself very lucky as I took action to stop before I lost everything I have worked very hard to obtain the past 30 yrs. , plus a 22 yr old son that lives with me.
Addiction is a horrible as I realized long ago what was happening to me and the consequences to not only myself but also to my son and while I tried to stop numerous times the addiction won the battle between my love for my son and his security and my addictions love of heroin. Until now.
I did 2 stints detoxing in 2 different hospitals, locally, 1 on suboxone and the other, Methadone. Both times I was as sick as if I was detoxing without any medication at all.
After the 2nd time,which was the methadone, they talked to me about starting suboxone treatment which I refused as I had a bad experience the first in hospital detox which supplied suboxone. This took place in Jan. of this yr.
Fast forwarding to July 5th, I was home laying in bed suffering from yet another , and likely futile, attempt at detoxing my dealer called my house. He could tell by my voice that I was not doing to well and told me that if I could make it to him he would help me out. I told him I had no money, for dope anyway, and he told me not to worry. Well , I made it to him and believe it or not he gave me 1- 8mg and 2 - 2 mg suboxone along with 3 bags of heroin so i could dive home a little safer than the drive there. I know the rule of thumb is 12 + hrs before taking but it also says to be well into withdrawls before taking, which to me means to be very sick before taking. I waited approx. 30 hrs after my last use to start the suboxone and what a difference. I waited a few days after and while I didnt feel nearly as bad as I did in the past I still felt that I could relapse and called a Sud Doc immediately and here I am going on 23 days clean and feel great.
Huh, so much for just wanting to say hello. That could be the longest hello in history. Want to say hello Icon_biggrin

Subject: Re: Want to say hello Wed 28 Jul 2010, 7:14 pm

Hello Kevin and Welcome to The Light At The End of The Tunnel.
It is good to have you hear with us, and even better to have you posting. As you can see it is rather quiet here right now. Sometimes I don't know what to make of the quiet. On one hand I am glad that things seem to be working out with our members. On the other hand it would be great to hear from them.

In reading your post I am wondering if the time before when you tried the Suboxone if maybe you weren't well enough into your withdrawal before you were started on Suboxone. As for the Methadone well, I don't really know.
The last time that I actually went into recovery was on July 17th, 2002. I went into a detox that used Methadone to get me off of Oxycontin and Heroin. I would use heroin when I could get any Oxycontin.
I could only stay there for five days as that is all my insurance would allow for but when I got out I found I was still having withdrawal symptoms. I had decided before entering into recovery that once out I would relocate to another state which I did.
Once there I begin having cravings and I knew that if I didn't do something I would use quicker than anything. So I went to the Methadone clinic in town. I stayed in the clinic for four years. The whole time that I took Methadone I stayed away from everything and was able to go back to work which was something I hadn't been able to do before due to several back surgeries and severe pain.
Four years after starting Methadone, I relocated back to the state I had previously left. I found it had but one Methadone clinic.
I switched over to Suboxone and have been taking it ever since.
These two medications saved my life. I know in my heart that if I would not have been able to take a medication to help manage my addiction I would have been dead long ago. I am more grateful that I can say.
I didn't mean to take over your post like that. I meant to come on here and welcome you.
I hope that you will remain with us. We are all Suboxone patients and have a lot to offer in the way of support.
Yours in recovery,
Dee

Subject: Re: Want to say hello Wed 28 Jul 2010, 7:24 pm

I almost forgot to add...

Congratulations!!

Subject: Re: Want to say hello Wed 28 Jul 2010, 9:43 pm

Hello Dee and TYVM for the warm welcome. Don't worry about taking over the post as I love reading success stories as it has always given me hope that this monster can indeed beaten. I'm glad your life has turned out well for you. I'm gonna make this a short one as I need to get to bed for work in the morn.
Talk soon.
Peace.
Kevin.

Subject: Re: Want to say hello Fri 30 Jul 2010, 1:30 am

Hi Kevin, you are most welcome.
As long as we have hope we will have success that is how I have learned to look at things since entering into recovery. Not in my wildest dreams had I ever thought I'd be sitting at a computer typing away on a forum such as this. I never thought I'd be able to stop taking opiates.
Since starting Methadone/Suboxone, I can honestly say, the craving are few and far between. And when I do get them, they only last for a fleeting moment.
I am grateful
Dee

Always Remember, You are not alone.

Subject: Re: Want to say hello Fri 30 Jul 2010, 7:59 pm

Dee, I am going to ask you a question that I hope you dont feel is too personal.
Anyway , here goes..
You stated....."I never thought I'd be able to stop taking opiates"

May I ask what you think you would have done if this were true?

I know I felt the same exact way and never seriously considered taking my life....but...I wonder what I would have done if I lost my home and my son was forced to stay somewhere that made him unhappy. What if this Christmas came and I had no money for gifts because I spent it all on Heroin? Etc,etc. I really dont know if I could have lived with that hanging over my head.

Regards.
Kevin.

Subject: Re: Want to say hello Fri 30 Jul 2010, 10:36 pm

Kevin
I don't mind your asking me that question at all.

I was a train wreck headed for an overdose. My sister tells me that she always thought she would some day get that phone call telling her that I had died.
And you know what, I really didn't care back then, well I said that wrong, it's not that I didn't care but I didn't think anything could happen to me.
But looking back, I don't see how I made it through. I really don't. I should have been dead a long time ago.

There was a time when I was homeless with my son who at the time was only 6 years old. His father and I were homeless and living in a hotel with our son and daughter, I was working to support our habits along with paying the cost of the hotel we lived in.
One day I came home after a day of searching for Heroin and found my boyfriend dead. He had hanged himself.
We had an argument earlier that day, where I had threatened to leave him if he did not get help for his depression, I was tired of working all of the time to support both of our habits only to come home to someone that constantly felt sorry for themselves.
I used to tell him to be grateful we had a roof over our heads but it never did any good. Finally when I had enough, I told him if he didn't get counseling I would take the kids and leave, I then left to see what I could find because he was dope sick.
And like I said, when I came home it was to find him gone.
No note, nothing.
There I was with two kids and a bad habit. After the funeral his mom came out to take the kids for the summer and I stayed behind, my mindset was that I could now not worry about taking care of anyone's habit but my own.
How sick is that??
I didn't worry about the kids because they were with their grandmother. She kept them for the summer but when it came time to send them home she said that she wanted my daughter to stay with her. She was afraid that if I took both kids I would move away and she would never see them again. I talked to my daughter and she did want to stay with her grandmother and I let her.
And as for my son, I went out of state and picked him up.
I still didn't have a permanent place to live, we lived with different friends from here to there. No where to really call home. After about a year I met a man who knew of my drug habit but didn't care. I told him that I was an addict and would never be anything else and if he didn't like it to leave now. He didn't care.
My son enjoyed being around him and he was someone I could talk to that never judged me.
I kept using and he kept hanging around. I guess he saw something in me that I didn't see. But you know what I did see? I saw a light in my sons eyes that I hadn't seen in years. And I loved seeing that light. That twinkle. Eventually I begin to want to be like normal people, but I was afraid.
I knew that if I stopped using I could never pick up another needle and never take another pill and I wasn't sure I wanted that either. I dreaded the withdrawal, after quitting so many times before, each time it would be worse than before.
Eventually I did get tired of being who I was and wanted more. I was tired of buying my son things only to take them back to the store when he was in school. I was at my bottom and wanted out but I didn't know how. I didn't want to use but I didn't want to go through withdrawal either.
I knew what I was doing was not only hurting my son but myself as well. I would cry myself to sleep at night because I didn't know what to do.
My habit was out of control and I knew an overdose was around the corner waiting.
I owed everyone money and had none.
Finally I got up the nerve to make a phone call to see if I could find a place to take me that had a bed. I don't think I was really serious as I didn't think anyone could take me on such short notice, but there was a place, and I couldn't change my mind so I went.

I was only allowed five days in detox as that is all medicaid would cover. The place I went to used Methadone to detox their patients, I was supposed to slowly taper off of the low dose of Methadone I was put on but I couldn't my time was up and I had to leave. But I didn't return home, before I went into detox I arranged my boyfriend to take my son down to the state of Alabama where I would join them once I got out. That way I knew I would not be around my old friends or places that I knew I could go to. Once in Alabama I started in a Methadone program.
At first it was a way for me to stay well and not worry about waking up dope sick. But after while my head begin to clear and my life begin to change.
I stayed on methadone for four years, after that I moved back to the state I had left.
I am now taking Suboxone and even though I am back in the state that I left before, I do not see my old friends and avoid old places.

I do go to counseling to help me to work through the guilt that I feel for everything that I put my son through. There are days that I cry for the childhood that my son never had. He is now 17. I love my son more than my own life, There are days that I could just sit and watch him forever and be grateful that I am alive to see him go through his daily routine.
Through my using days, I never one thought about suicide although I have many friends that I have lost because they couldn't find their way home.
I lost my mom to suicide when I was young. I will never forget the way I felt that day. I don't think I could put my son through that.

I know this was more than you asked for. There are some things in my life that I haven't put on this forum and there are things that I haven't talked about in a long time. But once I got to typing it all just started to come out.
I am glad that you have entered into recovery, when using we all do thing we would never do if in our right minds.
Your son is a lucky young man to have you as his father. If I could take back the hurt that I caused my son, I would in a heartbeat.
I know that I can't, but I CAN keep working towards a better tomorrow. I CAN keep working to help others to realize they don't have to be a prisoner of drugs.
Years ago before medication the rate of recovery was low, but now with the help of medication a person does have a choice. If only they want it badly enough. This disease is evil.

If not for being able to take a medication to help me manage my addiction, I would have died from an overdose eventually that is a fact that I know to be true. As I said before I was a train wreck and that was where I was headed.
Thanks for listening Kevin.
Dee

Subject: Re: Want to say hello Sat 31 Jul 2010, 2:28 am

An amazing story, Dee. You know what's odd? Anyone who had been down this road can pretty much tell the same story, as far as hurting those around you. Be it financially, emotionally, both or by lying to ourselves and those that care about us about everything and anything to cover up the addiction and the way we truly feel about ourselves and what we have done to the ones we love. But most of the addicts I have met, as you know they are the only ones we seem to let into our lives after awhile, turn out to be some of the nicest and kindest people out there. There seems to be a sort of bond between addicts.When I would detox, I know that my addict friends wanted a clean life for me more than I did or so it seemed.
I'm going to add more later today. Very tired. Was going to type-tomorrow- but it's 2 am est so it will be today. Havent slept well the past 2 nights. Is insomnia a side effect of Suboxone? PAWS, perhaps?
Anyways Dee , thanks a bunch for listening and your response.

Subject: Re: Want to say hello Sat 31 Jul 2010, 10:19 am

Kevin
When I first left the and went into recovery, I left owing money as addicts often owe sums of money to others for trades or whatever. But I did in fact owe money.
One woman I owed over 300.00 to. When she heard that I left, her only words were. "Well I hope she is able to make it and doesn't come back here." Not saying it because I owed her money and she was out to get me for not paying her, but because she knew if I came back too soon everything would start all over again.

Shortly after I moved back, I did run into her niece and she told me her aunt did not harbor any ill feeling towards me as she knew I did what I had to do. She said it was better than reading about me being found dead one morning as we did many of our other friends.
Well The sun is shining bright in Vermont today and I am off to the Farmers Market.
I go every Saturday even when I have no money. I love being able to walk around among all of the people and belong.
Life is good when you are not worried about your next shot or pill.

By the way very quickly before I go, your sleep patterns will get better in time. You body needs to adjust to the medication. So hand in there.
Enjoy the day!
Dee

Subject: Re: Want to say hello Sat 31 Jul 2010, 6:30 pm

Dee, I'm in the hole for about $1,200.00 to 3 people. Only 1 of them knows of my addiction. The way I justified borrowing the money was that I never used the borrowed money to buy Heroin. Meaning I would buy dope with money I took out of bank, which left me short on bill money, then borrow the same amount and replace the money in bank to cover bills. weird , huh?
I saw you mention in an earlier response that your son went through a lot as a child, due to your addiction.
May I ask how he seems to have adjusted to adulthood and do you think he has any lingering negative effects due to his childhood?
Only being able to go by what I read ,I think that if my son was young and he went through what your son he might actually enjoyed the Nomad life. He and his friends are actually like that now. No, I take that back. His friends are like that....They all seem to end up here, ALL.....THE...TIME. LOL, Keeps me busy with cleaning house and laundry.
I see where you mentioned about going to a Farmers Market. I also go to a Farmers Market. It's in Kinderhook, NY. A beautiful little town about 1/2 hr south of Albany. I go there and meet up with my dad and his wife. They live in Kinderhook .
Anyway your mentioning the Market gave me an idea for a new post so i am going to start a new one.

Kevin.