Wish you were here..

I guess that it's part of recovery to learn to deal with emotions in a new, different way than what I've previously done. I often feel that our faith is tested as we go, hopefully to create a stronger person in the long run..
My feelings are hurt right at the moment, but the sting will start to subside so that I can think it through rationally. I really don't even know that I want to go into all of the painful details of this situation, but it's back to reaping what we sow. I'm sure none of this is making sense yet. I know that I've brought up issues with my hubby in previous posts. I guess this is more regarding extended family members.. Last year, as we know, I was using. I definately made horrible choices that I'd never think of doing now. Therefore, I've became an "easy target" or the scapegoat of any situations. For example, last spring my mother-in-law (who we rarely see as it is) stopped by to visit. Apparently on the way home or when she got home, she realized that a twenty dollar bill & her drivers license were missing. It obviously must've been me!! At Halloween, my brother in law brought his daughters over to trick or treat. That night my husband paid him for a job that he'd helped with. He put the money into his pocket. A couple of days later, he called & said that he was doing laundry & emptied his pockets & was $100 short. He called my hubby to say he thought that I had somehow taken it. It caused a big fight, yada, yada, because I hadn't taken that money or his mothers. Later, they ended up figuring out that they'd pulled $100 out of that cash for hunting licenses. It didn't matter though, the damage was done. My hubby apologized, but no one else even let it cross their mind, as far as I can tell. And I was clean at Halloween, as I have been since May. It doesn't seem to change their perception of me though. Here's what brought all of this to a head now today. I've mentioned that my father in law stays with us due to his heart surgery a while back. Today he came down to the family room where I am with the babies watching cartoons. He told me that he needed to burn some papers in the fireplace. That he had old checks that still had his current checking numbers on them, so he didn't want them laying around here for anything to happen to his checking account. I felt the instant heat in my face, neck, cheeks.. That feeling of shame, embarrassment. Like he was thinking that I'd somehow find his old checks from years back & try to get cash from them or something now. It stings my feelings. I try to keep in mind that I wouldn't be treated this way if I hadn't done the horrible things that I have done in the past. I've previously asked this same redundant question, but how long do I have to pay for my past? Is it going to ever let up or will I be judged for my mistakes my entire life? If anyone here is available & has some good input as to how your able to deal with these "delicate" situations, do please let me know. I need any help that I can get.. Thanks.
Yours,
BFye

Oh Beth,
I am so sorry and I know that you must be hurting right now. I am angry. I am angry because you are being judged by what you used to be and do, not by what you are now, which is a struggling addict in recovery that struggles each day to hold onto the life that you are trying to create for yourself and your family. I will tell you what I would say to your father in law. I would tell him that if he has any papers, property etc. that he doesn't want anyone to see or get a hold of then, what he needs to do is get a lock box for his personal things. Tell him that you would be more comfortable if he would do that. That way he is the only person that has access to his things. As for your mother in law and brother in law, your a better person that I am. I don't think I could have kept my mouth shut. Did your husband tell you what he said to them when you were accused? He should have stuck up for you no matter what. You are his wife. You are the person that he chose to spend the rest of his life with. When do you go to your counselor? Can you make an appt as needed? Why don't you call them tomorrow and see if you can get in. Don't hold this in, talk to your counselor and get their prespective on the situation. In the meantime talk to your husband, don't argue with him try to calmy state what happened and how you flet. If he wants to argue, walk away. Arguing will only get you stressed out even more creating a trigger for you. You are in my prayers.
yours
Dee

Hi Dee,
It's been a rough couple of days around here, but it's finally letting up. As you know, my entire family has been ill & it finally hit me on Thursday. I could barely get out of bed & ended up sleeping as much as I possibly could with my babies. I didn't realize how beat I really was! I think that we're finally on the upswing toward feeling better. I'm praying..
Now that I've had a couple of days to think on the situation with my father in law, it makes me wonder if I just overreact to anything like that? I know that I am obviously defensive & particularly sensitive regarding my past. Not with friends like I have here who understand that addiction isn't a morallity issue, but especially with extended family. They all feel like I've let them down or at least, that's my perception of it. It really makes me dread the holiday gatherings, etc. I guess it's just a matter of getting one step in front of the other to get through it.. Not much of a way to enjoy the holidays though when your waiting on them to be over!

Anyways, plenty enough about me, how are you girl? I miss talking with you girls when I can't get on here as I like.. Hope things are going well. Are you still sore from your accident? Hopefully, it's letting up for you.
I'm going to go for now, but plan to check back after I get their baths done.
Your Friend,
BFye

Hi Beth,
It is good to see you again. I was starting to worry about you. I know that you usually try to come on and post if not daily then at least every other day. I'm glad that your feeling better.
Have you talked to your father in law about what he said? It could be that he didn't mean to hurt you the way that he did. I know that we do tend to be sensitive when it comes to certain things. I would have reacted the same way, not out of guilt but out of the way I would have thought they perceived me. Did that make any sense?
Glad to have you back. You were missed.
Yours
Dee

Hi Dee,
Thank You-
I have missed getting on here as often lately. I really miss talking with you girls. It's just been a really hectic time with everyone ill & trying to prepare for Christmas. Not that we're not all going through it, I know everybody is busy right now. I've been trying to stay on top of things as much as I possibly can, but I still have some last minute to-do's before I'll be done. Mainly finishing the wrapping & the stocking stuffers. I think that I'm just about done. Yet, every year as soon as I think I'm done, I always seem to remember 5 more things. That's how it goes. Are you completely ready or still have little things to finish up? Will you be staying home for Christmas or do you go to relatives? Is it you, your husband & son? Or are there more people for the holidays? Such a crazy busy time of year!

Regarding the issue with my father in law the other day, I really do think that I over reacted to nothing. I don't think that he meant anything towards me with his comment. I later found out that years ago someone had gone through his garbage in the dumpster at work & he's been paranoid about it ever since. It was me being sensitive & being "paranoid" now. I guess that I've felt so judged by them all along that I'm almost looking for it, waiting for it.. That's not right either. You can always twist words around to hear what you think you heard. Does that even make any sense? The other day, I automatically assumed that he was aiming that at me & got right on here posting about how pissed off & hurt I was. I needed to sit down quietly & think it through before just assuming the worst possible scenerio. So, long story short, yes, I think that I really overreacted due to my own insecurities from the past. I'm glad that I was able to think it through before going off the handle & putting even more stress on these relationships. I guess that I'm still coming back to guilt. I haven't stolen from them literally, but had to "borrow" for made up things I needed when it was really for drugs. I wonder if they really knew the truth all along anyways? I'm still embarrassed by my past because I feel that it's still held against me. That's a whole big issue though. That's why my counselor gets the big bucks, right? LOL She has her work cut out for her with me. Poor lady!
So, tell me what's been going on with you. Have you been getting into anything fun & exciting? Have you spoken to anyone from the nursing home regarding your job? Are you still planning on returning to work there? Have you heard anything else about the Avon asst. job? Have you spoken to the woman to let her know of your accident & availability? Keep me posted about how it's going.
I need to go switch more laundry & figure out who needs a diaper change. (I can smell that it's one of them?? I'll figure it out soon enough!)
Hope to talk with you soon.
Your Friend,
BFye

Hi Dee,
If your boss called and was acting like that on the phone, I can't even imagine having to go back and work with her, day in and day out. I don't know that I'd be able to hold my tongue when she started getting so rude like that. You were hit by a car, for Gods sake!! What is her problem? I don't blame you for not wanting to go back there. "High school on steroids" that is funny!! I absolutely believe that things happen for a reason. You don't need that kind of stress. Geez girl, you've already had two heart attacks, no more unnecessary stress can even be an option. There are lots of jobs that you can find that won't have that same stress. Have you heard any more about the Avon admin. asst. position? I think you'd do well in a job like that, with your organizational & computer skills. Have you considered looking for other jobs with the admin asst position? Even a doctors or dentists office, answering phones & filing, billing & scheduling, etc. Your so sweet to people, you'd make a great front office girl! Greeting patients, reminder calls, etc. Have you ever thought about doing that type of job? Or even registration in a hospital? I don't know, just trying to throw out ideas. I know you'll find something & it sure doesn't have to be so stressful, not even worth it. (as you already know) Let me know how it's working out for you though.
Are you prepared for Christmas? It's coming so fast!! It seems to sneak up quicker and quicker on me each year!! I still have last minute things that need finished, but nothing too major. (at least, not that I've figured out yet) I always seem to forget something..
Time for me to get going for right now, but I'll be checking on later. Hope all is well with you & will talk with you soon girl!
Your Friend,
BFye

Hi Dee,
Merry Christmas!! It has all begun.. Yes, we have family gatherings out the yang for the next few days. Today we went to my Moms sisters house (my aunt) and I had a great time. This is the side of the family that still accepts me & I still am able to feel comfortable around. The kids & I rode with my Mom & brother. It was even better than I'd expected. I was glad. It was really nice.
I'm a bit more apprehensive about the rest of the upcoming events. My Grandmas house on my Dads side tomarrow, as well as hubby Moms side. Both of these places make my hands shake to think about & I feel like I need to go to the bathroom... That's real nice to say about my own family! Yet, its the truth. I'm really not looking forward to these situations at all. I obviously have some issues that still need working on. I'm just trying to get through it while keeping a smile? That's my goal, at least. I need to remember that at least this year they are seeing me sober & I won't again embarress myself.. I'll even remember seeing everybody! I'm trying to keep it in perspective girl. I've actually even been able to talk with my Mom when things have been getting hard. We're closer than ever & that's such a great gift in itself. I'm really trying to stay positive. Sometimes are easier than others, but I think that's just the way it goes.
I hope that everything is going well with you. Did you have a nice day at the inlaws? I know that you mentioned it's hard for you there.. Hope it went well. Please let me know how you are doing. Merry Christmas Dee! I'm so glad that I've gotten to know you better, your a great friend. Talk to you soon!

Love,
Beth