Need to Vent!

Subject: Need to Vent! Sat 19 Sep 2009, 6:43 pm

I really don't know whats wrong with me why I can't get it through my head that I just need to let my best friend go. I am sad and in tears that she is way past any help that I could give her. I am greiving because at one time she was the only one I could trust with my feelings and I am afraid I will never find that again. I have Jon now that I can talk to but it is still differnt I still feel I need to put a wall up to protect myself but I didn't have to do that with her. We all ways thought when we got old and our husbands were long gone we would live together with all our animals because neither of us wants to be left alone. We grow up together and we would be old together.

What started all this? She called me up the other day. She told me she missed me. She saids she can't figure out why I am avoiding her. I told her it was because of my recovery and she triggers me when she asks for opoids. She then said what she always says that there is no differnts between the Suboxone and the OC's. She also has some mental health issues and she hears voices but will not tell her doctors the truth. She told me the other day that she still hears God's voice and he is telling her to do certain things but she won't tell me what they are. This leads me to beleive that she is off her head pills. I don't know what to do for her. She has gotten so bad before that she can hurt herself or somebody else when she starts hearing voices. I can't call her Doctor because the one she was going to she stopped because I had her phone number and I was on the consent form.

Sorry about the vent. I am just sad and nobody to talk to.

Love, Cathy

Subject: Re: Need to Vent! Sat 19 Sep 2009, 10:11 pm

Cathy,
To see you go through this makes my hear break for you. And I am sorry that your friend has not been able to see past her belief that Suboxone is no better or different than Oxycontin.
I know that you miss the friendship that you shared with her. I hate to say this and it is only my opinion but I get the feeling that you are hurting more than she is in this situation. You have explained to her over and over again how being around her triggers you and yet she still goes on.
Until she is ready there is nothing you can do.
It is hard not having anyone close by that you can share with. I know exactly how you feel, honestly I do.
When I went into recovery 7 years ago, I gave up everyone that I knew and when I moved back here, I knew that no matter how badly I may have wanted to reach out and talk to them, I couldn't. Not if I wanted to continue in my recovery.
Even now, if I see someone that I know from back then, I have to turn around and go the other way. Sometimes it is hard, but I know that it is what I have to do.
Cathy, you can't answer that phone when she calls. And she will keep calling you.
Think back.
Not so long ago this same friend had her husband call you looking for something for her and when she realized that you would not give in to her, she flipped out. Do you remember how scared you were that he her husband would try & bully you into doing what you did not want to do?

If you are afraid that your friend is going to harm herself or someone else, you can try calling her old doctor. Talk to him/her and tell them what is going on. They should know who she is seeing now. She must have had to have her records forwarded. But it will be up to that doctor to contact the new doctor. All you can do is try.
Or you can call crisis and talk to them.
But this woman is not your friend. They say that you can never go back. Once you move forward the past is lost. The future that you would have had with that past is gone along with it.
Do you see what I am trying to say? Even if the two of you could go back it would not be the same.
I know that it is hard for you to go outside of your comfort zone and that change is hard for you. But is there some way that you can attend group? Or even join a church, maybe if you were able to get involved in some type of activities in your area, you might be able to fill in some of that emptiness that your feeling.
Here if you need me,
Dee

Subject: Re: Need to Vent! Sun 20 Sep 2009, 12:22 am

Hi Dee, Thank you for your thoughts on this. It does make me feel better that somebody else had to go threw the same thing and I am not alone on this. You are right that she is not a friend now. I tend to forget what she does to me until the next time it happens. I tend to forgive her to quickly since she has been family to me in the past. Jon is out of town this weekend. He called me a few hours ago. He told me I don't need people around me that continue to hurt me. He told me that he will be my best friend and that makes me feel so much better. He also told me I just need some kind of social outlet like you were referring to.

My Counsler did give me a phone number were I can call and they will send somebody out to her house to evaluate her. In the mean time I will call her old doctor.

Thank You Dee, for your advice. I value your opinion. I will sleep alittle bit easier tonight. I hope you are enjoying your weekend. Love, Cathy

Subject: Re: Need to Vent! Sun 20 Sep 2009, 12:00 pm

Cathy,
Please don't forget that you also have very best friends here who want nothing from you but your recovery & happiness! I also know how hard it is to have to let go of friendships, as I keep trying to keep in my mind regarding Jennifer & what Dee said about going back. It's just never the same! And it's most certainly not. Please don't ever forget who your true friends are & Jon is a great best friend to have. I am also volunteering to be there just as much as possible for you too! I know that we do not live close, but our hearts do. You are my best friend too! And I also agree with Dee that I believe you are hurting over this more than what she is because you do tend to forget the things tht she puts you & Jon through as well. I love you & hope that you don't forget that! I hope that I have not let you down if you have needed more than what I have given.
I Love You.
Your BFF,
Beth Need to Vent! Herz

Subject: Re: Need to Vent! Wed 23 Sep 2009, 9:00 pm

Hi Cathy,

I'm sorry to hear you are going through changes. They say the best way to get over a hurt is to help someone else. I have a rough decision to make here soon. It's my horse, Sassy. The one who was abused from the track. I've had her for going on three years and the time has come for her to be put down. Her ankle is turning inward and she no longer runs through the gait to come and feed, she limps. I can have the vet come out and put her down and have a friend bury her or I can donate her to a clinic and they will cremate her. They will do tests and see what happened to her and help other animals. I don't know if I can stand the thought of her being cut open and gone over. I can also have her cremated and the ashes given back to me by someone else. Please give me your opinion and anyone else who wants to answer would be appreciated.

I hope your situation with your friend works out. It sounds like she wants help and her looking at you can guide her way. You are a strong minded person with a lot to give.

I'm just in from work and have to be back in the morning. I adore all of you and know I haven't posted so much lately. I've just been suffering in silence and asking God what to do. I guess He wants me to reach out to you guys for help.

With highest regards,
Barbara

Subject: Re: Need to Vent! Thu 24 Sep 2009, 12:55 am

Hi Barbara, I am so sorry about Sassy. If it were my horse I might consider donating her to the clinic just as long as they don't do any testing on her while she is alive. But that could be her legacy to her speices. She would be helping other horses even in spirit. I know what you mean about cutting her open and testing her. It is a hard decision to make. But for me I would donate. She will always be with you in spirit. You never know maybe the testing they do on her will result in a cure for a illness.

I am sorry things haven't been going well for you. I hope you are feeling better and I am sure you will feel even better once you make your decision about Sassy. Because that is weighing on you right now. Are you still trying to cut your Suboxone dose? Do you take anything for depression?

As for my friend she called yesterday but I didn't answer. I need to stay away from her until she is serious about getting into recovery.

Well Barbara, I hope you can make a decision about Sassy that you are comfortable with. Remember, You gave her a good life and she loves you for that and she will be fine with what ever you decide. She knows that she has been loved and cared for the last three years. Love, Cathy

Subject: Re: Need to Vent! Thu 24 Sep 2009, 11:28 am

Great Job Cathy!
Stay strong. We all know the strength that you possess, listen to your inner strength and let it guide you.

Barbara,
I am also so sorry to hear about Sassy. I know that this is one of the hardest decisions that you will ever have to make.
As hard as I know this decision is for you to make. It is one that only you can make. Have you spoken to the clinic to see exactly what they will be doing? Maybe if you are able to do that it will make the decision a little less of a burden.
Thinking of you,
Dee

Subject: Re: Need to Vent! Thu 24 Sep 2009, 11:30 am

Hello Barbara,
I am very sorry to hear about your horse, Sassy. I know how you care for your animals & that they are like your children. (I also apologize for the huge picture that I put onto here, yet when I tried the smaller size, you were unable to see the horse & that is what I wanted you to see.) You were the reason that I downloaded that picture in the first place. I know your passion lies with your animals. And speaking of that, how is your dog that had been suffering & following you around all the time? Is he/she seeming to feel any better? I realize the age of this dog (don't know his or her name, but Pete keeps coming to mind?) How is your Mom doing? I haven't heard too much from you lately, as I know that you've had some personal issues going on.
My opinion regarding on how to handle this situation with Sassy is basically the same as Cathy's. She knows that you love her & you have given her a good life when she could've just been "tossed aside" after no longer being able to race. You taught her love & gave her everything that you had to offer for the past three years. These are things that she would've never been able to experience had you not rescued her. You filled the end of her life with love & happiness. I would also allow them to do testing on her, as Cathy mentioned, they might be able to find "cures" or reasonings for such incidents. I would also then ask for her ashes to be returned to you & you (and only you!) know where her happiest moments were spent. The spot that she loved the most, maybe undeneath a particular tree or right up as close to you & the house as possible. Only you know these things about her. But spread her ashes where she was the happiest! Keep her "spirit" around you, as I believe that it will remain with you always anyways, but this way, you know that "ashes to ashes, dust to dust" she is nourishing your beautiful lawn & flowers, on the very inside of your heart & outside in nature as well.
I realize that none of this takes away that pain that your enduring with loss. I am very sorry that you are indeed & have been suffering for so long now. I really miss you, the real you, the spunky, opinionated, consoling "MS. Barbara" whom I got to know, but haven't seen that side of in quite a while, my dear friend!! Do you remember when I was just starting to open up BECAUSE you had said to me "that a problem talked about is a problem half solved!" Need to Vent! Icon_question

I have missed you. I am sorry that you are hurting so badly inside. I do wish that I could help take it away. I hope to hear back & let us know how things are going with your Precious Sassy.
Always Your Friend,
Bethy Need to Vent! Herz

Subject: Re: Need to Vent! Thu 24 Sep 2009, 10:21 pm

Thank you my precious friends. You are the sunnyside of my life and I would be worse off if not for you all. Beth, thank you for the picture, it is beautiful.

My vet is checking into getting Sassy into the clinic. They will do an autopsy after she is gone and the cremate her. I'm hoping to get her ashes back even if I have to pay, I'll find the money somewhere. Anything is better than putting her in a watery grave cause in Florida when it's rainy, if you dig three feet, you've got water. Cathy, Dee, and Beth you are right. Them being able to study Sassy will help other horses and teach the students what to do somewhere down the line. She is such a sweetheart.

I am feeling better physically. I started taking Milk Thistle and more vitamins and drinking Ensures with extra protein. I'm less on my Suboxone. When I feel jumpy in the afternoons and I'm done for the day, I take a peice of Xanax. Maybe not the perfect thing to do, but a lot of anxiety medicines don't work for me.

Yes, Pete, my best dog. I just told him I was writing about him and he sat down on my foot. He's been good medicine for me through the years. Yes, Beth, if I want to heal, I'm going to have to start talking about it. I wish I was more like you and be able to write it out. My stuff seems to be stuck somewhere on a backroad. I feel like a terrible person at times when I can't get it out. I get scared and cornered. This is what you teach me too. Thanks for the warmth from all of you. I'm going to kick back and let one of the birds out and watch her/him enjoy the freedom. I've got eggs in two of my parakeet boxes. One of my Quakers is calling me Pee Pot. I don't know where she got that from.

Nite for now,
Your friend too,
Barbara

Subject: Re: Need to Vent! Thu 24 Sep 2009, 10:29 pm

Cathy,

I forgot to ask you how you are doing with your medication. Did you call the doctor back? You seemed to be okay. I hope you are. We have all been through our own private hell. We deserve to have some joy inside. I hope we all can find our own ray of sunshine that stays with us and we never have to go through anything like this again. I hope we can spread the word of recovery to all who will listen and follow.

Yours in the struggle,
Barbara

Subject: Re: Need to Vent! Thu 24 Sep 2009, 11:29 pm

Hi Barbara, I am glad you made a decision that you are comfortable with pertaining to Sassy. She will always be with you in spirit. Throughbreds are my favorite breed. Mine use to act like a dog. He would follow me around everywhere. He came off a NY race track. When I bought him I had his legs x-rayed and I found out that he had been pinfired in both front legs. The farrior had to make special shoes for him.

As for me, I am doing ok. I am alot like you. I tend to keep problems to myself until I get ready to go off the deep end. I am stable medication wise. I always use to drink ensure but it has gotten so expensive. I use to have trouble keeping weight on. Several years ago I didn't weight over 90 lbs. So I would drink the ensure with my meals. I hope tomorrow brings a better day for you. Love, Cathy