Is there anybody out there?

Hello to everyone-
It's me Beth & I just wanted to see what's going on. I've come onto the forum lately & it seems like no one is posting. I figured that included myself, so I'm trying to reach out to our members to let you know that I miss you & want to know how things are going for everyone? I know that Dee is sick right now & won't be around much this weekend. After being taken to the ER, they found out that she has pneumonia. She's not been feeling well for quite a while, so please keep her in your thoughts & prayers.
Sammy, I'd really like to hear how things went for you at your clinic on Friday. Did everything work out well for you? How are you doing? Please just drop me even a one-liner to let me know how your appointment went for you on Friday. You've been in my thoughts. Many of the people here have been in my thoughts & prayers right now because we're all striving for more & more strength. I like to believe that God will empower us with that much needed strength if we just ask.. I'm begging on behalf of all of us everyday!!
Jessica, How are you doing baby girl? Are you hanging in there? Do you have an appointment made already, even if it is down the road a bit? Did you ask if they have a cancellation list? Is your boyfriend now aware of the situation? Or are you still trying to battle this alone? Please know that you are never alone here, despite the people that are the closest to you not knowing, you can let it out here to get the burden off of your shoulders alone. I'd love to hear how your doing..
And Ms. Jenna, Are you okay? I read your post & did respond to it. I hope you know that no matter what any of us have ever done in our pasts doesn't mean a thing here. There is no judgment, for we've all done things that we wouldn't have normally done, had it not been for needing our drug. Thank you for reaching out & sharing. I hope to get to know you better and there is no such thing as putting out too much information. If that were the case, I would've been kicked off a long time ago.
I just wanted to get this post out to ask any of you to please respond & get some topics going again. I need your help. I need new ideas & perspectives from the people that I know understand what I am going through on a daily basis. I want to continue to learn how to put my life back together by hearing your ideas & what has or has not worked for you.
As I said, you've all been in my thoughts & I'd really appreciate any feedback or even just a discussion. I hope that you are all having a great weekend! (and Sweet Dee, I hope that you begin to feel better girl!)
Blessings to you all..
Love,
B (Beth)

Hi Beth, How are you this evening or I should say this morning it is almost midnight. The dogs are resting good now. I wish I could sleep as sound as a dog. Maybe that would be a good topic- Has your sleep patterns change since being off of your DOC. Maybe everybody can explain how they sleep now and we can share ideas on how to get a better night sleep. I know my sleep patterns have changed for the worse. I can't sleep at night and I don't want to get up in the morning. Dee, I hope you get well soon. This forum is not the same without you. Beth, If you have time give me a call. I'll be in and out of the house Sunday. But I'll be home in the evening and Monday all day. I really do miss and worry about you if I don't hear from you. Love, Cathy

hi beth and thank you for posting this . i had no idea dee is ill .
i sure will be praying for her and hoping to hear that she is home and on the mend again soon .
its odd that i came to this site tonight with an idea ...
id like to see a special area for us all to post if we want how we are doing on this paticular day . there is no lack of posts to reply to ...but a special section for how we are feeling would be kind of cathartic dont you think ?
any how .... heres how i am feeling today . kinda happy and kinda sad.
im happy and grateful i had my daughter and grandson and my son here at my home all at one time today . im sad because yesterday i had to put down my cat of 17 years . this cat was out of a strays litter but very obviously part manx . i cannot describe to you how her fur felt ... like silk would be as close as i can come to an explanation . i have been around a long time and had alot of cats but never felt fur like this . she was sweet and beautiful and i will miss her so very very much . i know i will never feel that kind of fur ever again
also im still having a bit of a problem ,though its getting better, adjusting to my sons sobriety . i keep thinking .... its time to worry ... time to talk to him ... time to spy... time to whatever. ughhhhhhh. this is a dance i have learned so well . i beleive he has been 100 percent sober but at the same time i realize i will probably never get rid of the 1 percent suspicion .
also.. its time to start counting the days till my mammogram .
i have a history of breast cancer .< that was never detected by a mammo by the way > so i get all reved up when the time approaches .. when i pass i rejoice for awhile and then i remember that when it was discovered the mammo had missed it several times . ughhhhh hahahahaha
guess im just a worry wart .
if i cant post here about this , let me know .
feels good to type about it though as i cant talk to anyone in real life about it at all .
well we all have our crosses to bear eh ?
so im wondering how the rest of you are doing and how the new people are and i encourage the new people to post .
joining is the first step .. but please open up so we can help in any way we can .
my computer is giving me fits lately ..im ready to pull the plug on it hahahaha
i see what you posted about sleep sammi ..
your asking the wrong girl here hahahaha
my sleep patterns are awful at best . but i did hear in tv the other day that warm milk actually does work . i remember being a child and my mom giving it to me if i couldnt sleep .
i think a hot bath is wonderful just before bed also .
love you all
let me know if i can help anyone with anything ok ?
your in my heart and prayers

Hi guys,
Thanks soo much for responding & getting things going again. I don't have alot of time tonight, but I really wanted to let you all know that I appreciate you taking the time to even just say hello. Sometimes, I come onto here only planning on saying hello & my fingers seem to take over & get a mind of their own, thus revealing issues that I really did need to talk about, but maybe didn't even realize it. I love this forum & the more members that participate gives us that many more new perspectives to ponder. We're all striving for the same thing & of course, there will be good days & bad days, but isn't it great to know that on a bad day you can come here to lift the burden from your shoulders alone- or that on a good day, you can come to encourage those who are struggling that day, as what goes around does come back around.
Cathy mentioned a pretty cool idea, as did Suzy about possibly creating a category just to kind of check in & let the other members know that you are still here with us & doing okay. (or not okay!) I know that it takes time that many of us don't have to sit down & post out a big long story, but just to hear a hello & that your alive & kicking, despite wherever you are in your recovery. Remember that you'll never be judged here & there are so many special people on this site that I know true friendships can be made. I know that my closest friends are from this forum. So, anyways, thanks for the responses. And Suzy, I will PM you about your breast issues & upcoming mammogram, as I have a very similar situation going on. I'm waiting on biopsy results right now, as it is a solid mass. It's scary to think about, I know. My prayers & blessings are with you!
Also, to let everyone know that I heard from Dee & that she is feeling much better. She plans on being back in full swing by tomarrow. Our Sweet Dee!
Okay, I really have to go, like I said, I try to keep them short & my fingers just won't stop...
Thank you all for your friendships!
Hugs & Blessings to you all,
Love,
B

Good morning Ladies, I am still awake as always at this time. I seem to catch a 2 wind around 10:00PM. I go to bed around 2:00 or 3:00am and try to get up at 10:00am. Suzy, I will try your idea of warm milk. I am sorry about your kitty. Dealing with a death of an animal is like dealing with a death of a child to some people including me. I used to be a Vet. Asst. on the emergeny shift. Most of my co-workers including myself were on anti-depressants to deal with all the euthinsea(bad spelling). But we did have alot of happy endings when we would save an animal. Have you ever requested an ultra sound along with your Mammogram? I get both done just to be safe althought I skipped mine this year like a dummy. Beth I hope you had a great weekend. When you get a chance call me. Love, Cathy

Hey Dee, I hope you are feeling better. It stinks being sick this time of the year knowing that you were looking forward to the warmer weather. Get Well Soon! Love, Cathy Yippy! I got my sign. to work!

yeahhhhhhhhhh dee is better !
i missed her so !!
welcome back dee ... when ya get here

Hello ladies,
How are things going today? Did any of you sleep last night? -haha. I am also one that has a difficult time sleeping. I've heard of many things to try & things that have helped others. I remember Dee telling me about Melatonin (is that right Dee?) Then, like Suzy, I've heard warm milk & hot baths & lavender. These are remedies that do work for some people- no harm in giving them a try. I've not found that success in any of the above, but I'm also just a mental case. I've also tried Benadryl and Tylenol PM, which does knock me out, but then I have that "hungover" feeling the next morning. And Cathy, I am just like you, once I finally get to sleep, I don't want to get up in the mornings. Yet, I have no choice due to my kiddos. I often feel tired, more common than not.. Have you all heard that acronym about the four major triggers referred to as "HALT" - hungry,angry, lonely & tired? But like Suzy said, we all have our crosses to bear & I know that it will get easier. It's just this time in the meantime!?!?
I have to go change more diapers. I just changed them both not even a half of an hour ago, but they like to wait to have a clean diaper on before they take a poop! It's been like that forever. And it's funny to me because they both do it. But I cannot let them sit in it for even a bit of time because they have such sensitive skin that it makes their bottoms bleed. Especially little Caroline, having the red hair. "Red hair, skin fair!" (or whatever that saying is..)
Suzy, sorry that I've not gotten the opportunity to PM you yet, but I still plan on doing so. I have alot of questions for you, as well as possible information. Although, I think that you'll know more than what I do about it all. When is your dreaded appointment?
OK- off to do more diapers..
Love Your Friend,
B

Hi Dee, Glad to see you back. Jon and me are doing ok. What I meant by I got my sign. working was my signature line. I just put in a quote. Hi Beth, Sorry about playing phone tag with you today. I have to see my counsler in the morning so I will try to catch up with you eventually. I hope everybody has a great evening. Love, Cathy

Good Morning Ladies,
Did any of you sleep any better last night?? It seemed that we were all having trouble the previous night. Dee, is Melatonin the correct option that you had first referred to me oh-so-long ago? I just don't want to be giving out the wrong information. I know that you said that it helps you with sleep & that seems to be a major topic around here lately. If this gives anyone any hope, I had a terrible time trying to sleep for a loong time (still do at least a few days a week) after beginning on the Suboxone & even for months into it. BUT- it is getting better. I am falling asleep easier & staying asleep longer. My Lord, what a difference it makes for me the next day after a whole nights sleep!! I feel like an entirely different woman when I've actually gotten some rest. My emotions aren't so all over the place... Okay one moment, crying the next, etc, etc.. I can deal with my life & situations before me much better when rested. I'm almost like one of my kiddos- they start falling apart when they get too tired & there's nothing I can do to soothe them, other than rock them to sleep. When they awaken, they are back to their normal personalities. Happy & cooperative, etc. I've been like this my entire life. If I ever call my Mom when I'm having a terrible day, crying my little heart out, the first question she asks me is, "Were you able to get any sleep last night?" We talk through things for a bit, then she hangs the phone up with the advice of trying to lay down with the kiddos during naptime- just for a quick rest. (better than none, right?) She's usually right. And if you are like me, then you know that being tired is a major trigger for addicts to use. (Again, with that acronym, HALT- hungry, angry, lonely & TIRED!) I always try to remember to keep that in my mind if I am experiencing any cravings or feelings of hopelessness.
Cathy, I will try to get back ahold of you this afternoon. We were doing the phone tag yesterday, but we will catch up soon, my friend! Things are going okay around here. (for the moment!?) Not trying to sound so pessimistic, but that's how it's been going recently. I feel like things are going along fine, then something else seems to come up. I'm a bit nervous this morning because Matt always leaves me my daily amount of Valium in a bottle up on this high shelf. This morning, there was no bottle left up there. I felt around & did feel some of my tabs. I grabbed them down to get them put into a bottle & dropped 3 of them. I've found all, but one... It's not the fact of not having the pill that is scaring me, but that my little ones will find it before I do & pop it right into their curious little mouth! I feel like I have looked everywhere- I don't know where the blasted thing could've gone. Heck, I saw it fall, unfortunately, not where it landed... But I am guarding the vicinity that it fell in & keeping the babies out of that area. It will turn up- I'm sure, but the pills are so small that I just cannot seem to locate it right now. Aaaggghhh! I keep taking breaks, then go look for it again, thinking that it might just pop out at me. I just obviously don't want my kiddos to find it first! But if that is the extent of my stress today, I can & will handle this. It just fell into such a cluttered area.. Anyways, I won't continue to go on & on about it, but will let you know when I end up finding it. I also called Matty to let him know that this happened- as we are trying to find complete honesty in our relationship. I don't want him to come home thinking that I took extra or am trying to swindle another one out of him, nor am I trying to deceive him in any possible way. Things are okay. We are still holding on.... He won't give up on me as long as I do not lie to him & continue to try... All he wants is my efforts in my recovery, which he feels like I am trying, but there can be no more lies. I go to talk to my counselor tomarrow evening & am really looking forward to it. I really want to address this & how to recognize & change it. I don't have anything to lie to him about anymore. He knows all. I just have to make sure that I keep it that way. In our discussion, he also told me that he will work on his reaction when I have to tell him something that I know will upset him. He has never hurt me, nor laid a finger on me- nothing like that, but he's a yeller! He screams & belittles me & throws the past at me- I get scared to tell him things. (not an excuse because he still deserves the truth!) Yet, once he calms down & thinks things through, he comes back & hugs me- begs me to stick to it! And I will!!! I will fight this battle of addiction & get it under control, at least, so that I can actually be the woman & mother that I am supposed to be!! Sorry gals, I'm just going off again. My fingers seem to do the thinking & the words just keep on a flowing... but I AM TELLING YOU THAT I AM GOING TO DIG DEEPER & BEAT THIS ADDICTION!! or maintain it, however you choose to look at it. I also let that be known to him that I certainly did NOT relapse. Yes, I have overtaken the benzos at times. But I am under a doctors care, who knows that I am addicted to them & is wiling to work with me. I've come no where within the vicinity of opiates in I don't even know how long. I couldn't believe that was a relapse either- that's why I asked. Thank you for your opinion in that I haven't come all this way to go back now!!! I'm not even the same person that I was over a year ago. There were just still lies out there that I'd forgotten I told him all that time ago & this past week, that came to bite me in the butt! And blind sided him- making him wonder what else doesn't he know about? I can understand his point of view. I'd probably feel the same way if the roles were reversed, but I can only go from this point on. So, as I said, I'm trying to dig deeper & willing to try harder & learn new ways to change this trait that I do not like about myself & if left untreated, will eventually ruin my marriage. I have alot of incentive in learning some new ways of living, as mine were obviously not quite working like I wanted or expected them to... I plan on continuing with my recovery, getting back into college, (as was planned for January) & all of these plans include my family right there with me. I want Matt & I to be able to enjoy our grandchildren together. (Not anytime within the next decade, I pray to God! as you know Cath!) I am going to make this work!
Thank you all for reading this, your friendships, feedback, encouragement, hope & SUPPORT!! This is my mainline to recovery. You are my NA meetings & I love all the special friendships that have been made. You gals are my angels!
Thanks again & let me hear what's going on with everyone else. How is everyone doing today?
Hugs & Strength! (and hope!)
Love,
B

Hi Everyone,

I've been going through a bout of depression and not feeling well. Dee, I'm glad you are feeling better. I seem to be coming out of it. I hope I wake up feeling better. I don't have a lot to say. I just wanted you all to know I'm thinking of you. You all mean the most to me. I'm just going through a growing stage and I'm not handling it well. Sammy, how did you come out? Please let me know.

Love and hugs,
Barbara

hi barbara ,
sorry to hear about your depression . my heart goes out to you . i have also struggled with it . its not a pretty thing .
i also know what you mean when you say you dont have alot to say . depression makes you goe into yourself . its just anger driven inward .
but none the less i just wanted you to see this note when you awake , so you know someone is thinking of you and can relate . youll get through it girl !!
we gals are tough little cookies hahahaha .
ill be thinking of you .
hugs
Suz

Hey ladies, How is everybody? Again I went to sleep about 2:00am last night and had to get up at 8:00am. Here I am again with a second wind. Barb, I hope you overcome your slump. I know how that feels. Beth, Did you find that pill? You can take a vacuum cleaner hose and put a stocking over it and try to find it that way. Everytime I would lose one of my contact lenses I would use that trick. Beth, You are not the only one that gets yelled at and screamed at. It has happen to me more then once and he always is sorry onces he has time to think and calm down. It is not easy for them to deal with our addiction on a daily basis. They might need their own forum to blow off steam and to know that they are not alone. Maybe Suzy might be interested in getting something like that set up for the non-addicts. Well Ladies I am going to try to get some sleep. I hope everybody has a wonderful day tomorrow. Love, Cathy

Hello Ladies,
I just responded to this post & of course, my little man (Matty-boy) came over & was crawling around my feet, pulled on some cord or another, and my entire post froze up, then was lost. It can never happen when I am just into the post. It always has to be when I've gotten several paragraphs completed! Anyways, long story short now, I was happy to see that Barbara had posted here, as I'd read & responded to Dee's post to her last night before reading this one. Barbara, I hope you know, I pray that you know, that I am here for you, if your interested. I understand depression all too well, as do many of us here. Please reach out to those who love you! I remember what you told me oh-so-long ago about "a problem talked about is a problem half solved!" I have remembered this & held tightly onto the fact that I do have outlets to share my issues with & it has helped me. Do you have that same confidence? As you did "give it away" to me, I'm trying to give it back now, as it seems that you need it. Your always going in soo many different directions- do you ever let out what your enduring inside of you? I hope so. Do you ever pick up the telephone when your in need of support, love & encouragement? I don't know if you have my phone number or not, or if you'd even call me if you did, but if your interested, please LET ME KNOW. Just PM to me & I will pass along my number. I talk to Dee & Cathy at least once a week or so. It's so great to have these special friends, as I didn't even know that these type of friendships even existed. I really am here for you girl - all you have to do is say the word. Maybe its not me that your wanting to talk with, but I'm sure that there are many others here who would offer you the same option. You are one of my very special friends & I hate to hear that your hurting. I wish that there was more that I could do. But I am letting you know, one more time, I am here for you at any time that you may need me! (or even just my ear) Hang in there Ms. Barbara!!
Cathy, Thank you for asking about my little lost pill. YES, I did find it finally. Last night I was doing another search & it had fallen under the countertop & in between where the carpet meets the cabinets. Matt was sitting right here when I found it too! That doesn't sound like much, but I am in the process of re-earning trust with him. Although, he did already know about it & did believe me, I was still proud to be able to produce the evidence! He told me that wasn't necessary, but I still wanted him to see it. As well as the relief that we both felt that the kiddos would not be the ones to locate it. I have my counseling appointment later this evening & can't wait to go see her. As you already know, I really, really like this lady. She takes the time to listen & we seemed to form an instant bond. She told me that she shouldn't tell me this, but that I am her favorite. She looks forward to our appointments as well. I think that the main reason for this is because I am truly seeking recovery. She feels that she can make a difference & so do I. What a superb feeling to have faith in the person that I am spilling my guts to. I am also going to ask her if it's possible that I could start to see her twice a week, as I am hoping that we can move this process along! I want to be better, all around, I desire inner peace & to forgive myself for my past. Also, obviously, to learn new ways to deal with old habits. (Ex: the lies with Matt) But, I am also proud to state that I now have nothing else to hide from him. He knows all & we are starting anew with a "clean slate" - just like your slogan about making the right choices & decisions today to prevent future issues. That makes total sense to me & I had to smile when I read that you'd put that on here, as that is something close to words I had written in my journal around 10 months ago. When I read that, I looked up in my journal what & when I'd written those same thoughts. It was last September 4th, 2008. At the top of the page it says, "Correct the present as to avoid dreading the future!" Girl, we are both on the same page, as usual! Did you read that quote yet that Dink had put out there this morning? It's an excellent one!! Thank you Dink for putting this issue in yet another perspective.. Also, welcome to you Dink! This is not the right spot to welcome you, but I will also go there & hopefully get to know you better!
Sweetest Dee, How are you feeling today? Are you going to try to go to your class tonight? I know that your worried about falling too far behind, especially being in the "more qualified" group. I don't blame you, but (but, but, but) you know me & I worry for you. Your immune system is already down due to fighting the pneumonia- what if you come across that swine flu? I'm sorry to continue harping at you about this, but as you said, there was yet another death in your area this last week. I am very concerned for you. You know how I feel about you & I couldn't bear the thought of you having to suffer through that as well. (if you even make it through it) I'm sorry. That sounded so blunt, but its truth. (in my mind) Maybe this is my anxiety speaking out loud, I don't know. But, is there anyway that you can speak to your teacher & explain your current health condition? Maybe he/she can give you or get you notes on what your missing by not being there & if you have any questions, that you could address it with them if there would be something that you may not understand. Not to drop out of the class, but just until your well enough again to go back out.. If you want me to shut up about this whole topic, then please tell me so, but you know me & I am worried & concerned for you.
Suzy, How are you doing? Are you sleeping any better? How is your son doing? Are you dealing with things okay right now? I wanted to thank you again for putting me in the perspective of being in Matt's shoes, as I do realize it, but to have you reiterate it to me made it hit even that much closer to home. I don't want to drag my loved ones through my misery, thus causing them their own misery. That's just not me. That is my addiction & I am going to learn how to fix it. As I said, I go to my counseling appointment this evening & this is the first thing that we are going to address. I don't want to be this way either. The time to change it is now. Thank you for being blunt enough to say it to me. I respect that you tell me if you think that I am messing up. I have a large support system & I expect that if I am heading in the wrong direction, they are going to help turn me back around. Thank you for being part of my support system, my friend! I hope things are going well for you & always love to hear from you.
Has anyone heard anymore from Sammy, Jenna or Jessica? Just keep praying.
Thank you all for reading this & for being such amazing friends! I love & care about all of you, as we are all bonded by this battle, it makes it so much easier to come together, almost like a team, to pull up the members who are having a bad day or to have someone to help pull me up when its my bad day. Again, so much thanks to Deborah for making this forum possible!
I look forward to hearing from you all soon!
Have a great day.
Hugs & Strength,
Love,
B

Love you too, Bethy,

Love,
Barbara

Morning Barbara,
I hope that today is starting out better than the recent days have been going for you. I understand your thoughts about those backroads of your mind & the pain that still somehow remains trapped back in those dusty OLD corners. Yet, (and I know that this won't make it go away, but just another perspective) look at how far that you have come since those hurtful times. You are an inspiration to others, as well as a friend. You & I both know that you are not even close to that same Barbara from way back when.. I have my dark hidden tunnels & corners as well. It's an extremely painful place to be & especially to continue to ponder on. We all do, as we wouldn't have done the things that we did, had it been for not being an addict, a slave, to our drug. You've been the one to tell me these things as well. About not living in the past or not forgiving yourself- you've taught me alot through your words & experiences. I'm not claiming to be any kind of expert or pretend that I know how to solve it. I'm only saying to you- please remember your own words during your bouts of strength & utilize your own abilities. Reach out, talk to somebody, "problem talked about..."
As for your mother & your beloved dog. I don't have any words to help with that pain. I dread the day that I will have to face this with my own Mom. I can certainly understand your sadness & pain regarding these situations. I can only tell you, over & over, that I am here for you (if you want me to be) and I would love to be able to give you a big tight hug & rub your back to console you. I'd love to sit with you & hold your hand to help relieve some of the sadness inside of you. Please know that you are receiving this hug & consolation in my prayers!! And as I previously mentioned, if you'd ever like to call me or have me call you, please just PM to me & we shall swap phone numbers. I really care deeply for you Barbara & for your contentment & inner peace.
I look forward to hearing from you soon, my sweet angel! (you do know that you are one of God's chosen angels, right?) You are a very special person that has so much to offer. I continue to pray for you & everyone here who is struggling or even if they're not, I'm still praying for all of us!! Take care of yourself & let me hear how your getting along. (please?!?)
Hugs, love & strength,
Your Friend Always,
Bethy

Also, Barbara, I forgot to mention this to you & you may not even want to watch it if you haven't already seen it, but have you ever seen the movie called "Marley & Me" with Jennifer Aniston & Owen Wilson? It was a very good movie, yet also very sad. I cried & cried, but it was because it was so well done. I don't know if it would help you or just hurt worse to watch it, but it is a very good movie about the love of a dog & the enjoyment that they bring to our lives.
Much love to you again Ms. Barbara!
Hang in there- you are one tough cookie!
Yours in this Battle,
B

Barbara,
I'm still waiting on hearing from you?? Please reach out. If you want me to leave you alone, tell me to butt out. Until then, you are on my mind & I want to know that you are doing okay. I mean, really okay.
I look forward to hearing from you soon!
Love you,
Bethy