Hello everyone,
You more experienced members probably have already come to this point. I made another accomplishment tonight from pondering a theory, and I really had no idea how deep this pondering was going to lead me.
I've noticed in my time that there are two kinds of people with many differnt shapes and sizes of the soul. Those who take an opiate for the first time and either don't mind them or *LOVE* them. Then there are those, who take them and absolutely hate them, don't want anything to ever do with them again. The *thing* I've noticed about the latter kind of soul is they're normally very *strong* or very *happy* people. I honestly believe that people who *LOVE* opiates are predisposed to be an addict of opiates by one of two things... Severe emotional pain or they just feel so much better when taking them. Obviously anyone can become addicted by extended use for pain, but I'm talking about us who knew the first time that it seemed to be such a gift. Or it numbed the emotional pain so much that it just had to become part of life.
I really believe this to be the case for so many people. I started not quite like this, I didn't mind the opiates, and they did help me not mind the pain as much. However after a couple of months I really started to realize how much less I worried, and how it seemed that my relationships were improving in my life because I was becoming a happier person. Before I started taking the pain meds for my hip I had suffered 2 years of 4 stent surgeries and 6 angiograms. I was told by every medical professional that I was going to drop dead any day, that I was an extreme case of Syndrome X, which I found out to be those people that were just walking along one day and drop over dead. Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, 4 stent surgeries and a smoker!
I found my mother two hours dead on our living room couch when I was 17 years old. This event for me was so traumatic because I didn't know she was dead and I lifted her head up because I thought she had fallen asleep sitting up like she did sometimes. If you've never seen anyone two hours dead, then you can't truly understand how scary the face was that I seen on that day and what it did to me. I counted over 600 nights that I lay awake in my bed afraid to fall asleep because I was having chest pains, and I feared that my wife would wake up to find me dead. I was more afraid of her finding me dead like I found my mother than I was of dying myself.
The pain pills greatly diminished even this level of fear. Any pill that has this much effect on anyone! Is going to be impossible to stop on your own.
My point to this is simply this: We are not all made from the same mold. Our lives sculpt us to a greater degree than any of us would like admit. A lot of us have had very disturbing experiences to say the least, and have suffered great pain and loss. I'm not saying to anyone that using is ok, we must not use if we are god willing strong enough. I do ask each of you to forgive yourself for being seduced by such a powerful succubus as was the opiates for us all. Many people that have not ever experienced the relief it brought to create such a powerful addiction will not only never understand, but be incapable of understanding (I pray they never will). This doesn't excuse any of us, but please, forgive yourself.
Tonight I have forgiven myself
~Particular
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