Hey Barbara. I've had you on my mind, as well as the rest of the wonderful ladies I've met here. I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time emotionally. I understand harboring a world of hurt better than I would like to admit. I know that it sounds cliche but I've had to let go of a lot of things. I've made many amends and forgiven many people who also have wronged me in one way or another. I held on to that anger, hurt and resentment for a long time, but I finally realized that the only person I was hurting by holding on to the negative stuff was me. I know that it seems completely backwards and unnatural but sometimes you have to give up holding on to expectations for how others behave to avoid continually being hurt or disappointed. The only person you control is you. Unfortunately the rest of the world goes on around us without much regard to our feelings, expectations, hopes, or dreams. I've found that many of the people who have hurt me or wronged me in some way, don't have a clue what they've done, and I'm sure there are people out there who I've hurt and not even realized it. Most of the time, we all are just stumbling through life doing our best to stay upright and not knock anyone else over. Sometimes regardless of what we intend, we hurt others. Sometimes we just have to live and let live. Forgiveness truly is for us, not the person we are forgiving. After all, we are most likely the one who is reliving the harm inflicted everyday. I know that the man who raped me didn't relive it everyday of his life and if he did he probably wasn't hurting like I was. I couldn't go back and stop what happened, but what I can do is stop reliving it. As hard as it was, I forgive him. I know that this is an extreme example, but stop and think. Is anyone being hurt by holding on to the anger and other negative emotions but you? Usually not. I've also found that even minor injustices when obsessed over and relived for a while, can turn into major resentments. Resentments that don't hurt anyone but the person who is holding them. It's like poison for the soul that eats away gradually at our spiritual well being until eventually we have to numb the emotions or be completely overwhelmed by them. I think that addiction makes it worse, especially early on when we first have to start to deal with emotions again, and when we have to start to face things that are buried deep inside us. The past can't be changed in any way. The only thing the past can do is destroy us if we allow it to. The best we can hope for is that we can forgive and move on. We have to or the world will surely leave us behind.
The only way I've found any measure of serenity and peace in my life is to forgive. It helps to remember that somewhere out there someone is probably having to forgive us and move on. I hope that you find a way to have some peace in your heart and soul. I know that you are a good person who deserves to be happy. Sometimes it's up to us to make ourselves happy and holding on to resentments or allowing people to disrespect us in the present, doesn't usually lead to happiness. Try to remember that we teach people how to treat us, by showing kindness and compassion, hopefully we will receive the same.
Much love my dear friend,
Monica
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