Desperate for answers

First off I would like to thank the creators of this website and the community that has posted in this forum, it has been such a valuable resource the past few days being able to read the experiences many of you have gone through, and while the stories can be different, the goals are all the same, and it has truly been a blessing knowing that I'm not alone in this fight.

The fight has taken a turn for the worse the past few days and I'm desperate for answers and advice on what I can do from here.

I have been on suboxone treatment that just went on 3 years, but has just been discharged by my Doctor. In those 3 years I have only had 2 relapses both times when my Dr decreased my dosage to 1 8mg film strip a day. I have been prescribed 45 a month for about a year and everything was going smooth. No cravings, living a steady productive life, and the Dr advised to try 30 a month, I agreed as my ultimate goal is to taper off, but it got real close that month running out before my next appointment, but I was able to manage.

But anxiety I haven't felt since my addiction to opiates started to creep back into my life, hoping I have enough medicine to last, but the next month I ran out early, so I called for an appt early, and my Dr made me feel like such a loser for not being able to last the whole month, I advised I'm concerned about the dosage and he replied with the goal is to get off so I trusted him and beat myself up for not being strong enough, so I tried the 30 again running out early but embarrassed to call in early, I tried to hold out, but the wd came and were unbearable so for relief I took a couple percocets for comfort, I told the Dr ashamed but more importantly seeking help and he made me feel like a complete junkie, he was about to discharge me right then saying how my quality of life is not improving and that the program is not helping me, this was about 2 months ago, so after 2 and a half years this was my first relapse, I was in complete shock by his comments, but desperate for my prescription, I begged, which he seemed to enjoy, for a second chance again expressing my concern about the dosage, he continued my treatment hesitantly and thankfully upped my strips to 45 a month again.

The month went by smooth as ever, but the next month he said let's go to 30 strips a month again, I told him again how uncomfortable I am with that, and his exact words were "let's just try it." So I did assuming if I called in early he would understand, not the case, as I ended up relapsing taking 2 percocets for relief and I was drug tested. I told him that I've been in this program for 3 years and I have only had 2 mishaps, both times at a dosage I was uncomfortable with. He again made me feel like a failure, his exact words were "your not going to get better, in 6 months your going to be on pills again." I told him I have no desire to get high, I have a desire to not be sick, to not feel like I'm dying. He didn't even hear me, he just shook his head and said there needs to be consequences, and advised me to come back within the next 7 days to get clean and he'll give me my prescription, and I asked him how do I do that? How do I not relapse without the prescription, how do I not go out and seek relief from this pain in the meantime, and he repeated that is the the consequences for my actions.

That's when I found this board during the past few days of hell, I was looking for anything for comfort or advice, the pain was excruciating, and I found some comfort knowing other people have this struggle as I have. So a day went by and took a drug test and the opiates were clear and I called the Dr explaining how I can't go through another day I need to come in like you advised when I was clear, I couldn't believe what he told me when I got there, he said he decided not to treat me anymore, and I asked him why, I've done what you asked? He just replied that it's his decision. I was furious, and I walked out and told him to give me a copy of my medical records, which he refused to do so at first, threatening to call the cops, I was no where near hostility, and encouraged to call authority so maybe they can help get my medical records, he decided then to give me the records, and I was asking him how can you do this to a person who is seeking help? Which he completely ignored. He has made me feel worth less and like such a failure, for not being perfect, and couldn't understand when I have been trying my hardest, I just couldn't come around to the 1 a day dosage at this moment. I wasn't even asking for a dosage of 2 strips a day, just one and a few backups in case of those off days.

Now I'm not with a provider and don't know what to do if I can't find one soon. Does anyone have advice, words if encouragement, even a slap in the face telling me he was right to do what he did because I'm at a loss of words right now and don't know what to do. Sorry for such a long post I just have had such a bad past month or so and desperate for help. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

Hi.

I can imagine how you feel right now. It must be a terrible feeling, I have been on and off suboxone for a similar amount of times, about 3 years. My problem was that I was buying suboxone off the street, so when I couldn't find suboxone, any opiate would do the trick and obviously that's a problem in itself. I have been on suboxne legally for 2 months now and I feel really great about it. I know I can't get arrested with a legal prescription and I have no intentions to use other opiates, except suboxone, which makes me feel a whole lot better about myself.

Reading your post, I do give you my sympathy. However, as much as sympathy does help, the real help you need are some clear answers and suggestions.

Why did the doctor boot you? It appears to me after reading your post, that he didn't really give you a clear answer but this is what it seems like to me. Suboxone is supposed to a medicine that one may use in order to get their lives back, then ultimately, when the time is right to start to ween off of the medicine. I would say on an average, most doctors agree on at least a year of suboxone maintenance. However, there are some addicts who are so bad, some doctors may agree with the old saying, "if it isn't broke, don't fix it" or in other words, some may not ever to be completely drug free. In some of these doctor's eyes, they would argue that a person is far more productive in society on suboxone, then one who stops treatment altogether and ends up back on opiate pills or heroin. Your doctor, unfortunately, is not one of those enlightened doctors it appears.

As you know doctors can only have how many patients? 30 patients a month. I don't know where you live, but in some places, it appears like there is not just not enough suboxone doctors. This has not been a problem where I live, in New Jersey, right outside of NY. There are tons of suboxone doctors here, willing and able to prescribe suboxone and start treatment with an individual. The point I am making here is that maybe your doctors feels like other patients haven't had the chance to prosper from Suboxone treatment because you have been taking up 1 slot for so long, which he feels, is a waste of time because you don't really want to get clean. Your doctor believes you enjoy your medication, in other words, that besides a physical dependence, you actually enjoy something from it. To be honest, you state that you take the medicine because of fear of withdrawals. I do too, but let's be honest, we both know it's a little bit more than that as well. It gives us not only a peace of mind, even mood wise, being it is an opiate, it creates a happiness and a little bit of a body sensation we enjoy. I do not thnk you were 100 percent honest with us in the post, stating that it is just the withdrawals you fear, or you wouldn't have run out of your medication. It only takes a little bit of suboxone, a very very small amount to keep one of withdrawals and you know this.

In conclusion here, I am 100 percent with you, what your doctor did was heartless, unfair, just for the fact you were loyal to him and trusted him for 3 years. I mean how much money did you spend on the treatment, and what is treatment, especially drug addiction treatment? It is treatment that never really ends, due to the simple fact, our addiction will never disappear, we can only hope to keep it in remission. He feels 3 years is way too long and at this point, he isn't buying the fact of your claim that you need your dosage to be a set amount to avoid withdrawal, he thinks beyond withdrawal, you're enjoying the other what I would deem, benefits of the drug. We both take this, and you have to agree, as bad as xanax is, I wonder why suboxone wouldn't work for depression? Sure helps me there tremendously, and for that fact, I don't really want to come off of suboxone either.

My suggestion to you, is to find another doctor. If I had a doctor talk to me like yours did, I don't think I'd do too well with my doses, since once I get a little behind, it just makes me nervous and stressed, so in actuality, I end up taking a little bit more. Please keep in contact and let me know what your plans are. Please mention to me your financial circumstances in terms of finding another doctor. For example, was this doctor really cheap? Were you assisted in any way with prescription costs? Why can't you just find another doctor is really what I'm asking?

My name is Brian and I hope this helped and I will continue to be here and root for you.

Rexyboy,

I think this is everyone's fear. That they will be cut off from receiving the help we so desperately need.
That's the main reason I keep a stockpile of Suboxone on reserve. I have saved up on the side almost 40 pills in the 4 short months I've been on it. For those reading, DO JUST THAT ! I know its to late for you, Rexyboy, to take that advice, but keep it in mind for when you get back on it.

On one hand I see the doctors point, he feels you should have started a taper by now, but on the other hand I %100 see your point, we depend on this to survive each day and get comfortable at our given dose.

It's true when they say we should be on the lowest possible dose to keep cravings and withdrawals away, I have struggled a bit in my 4 months to drop from my starting point of 16mg. I had a problem when I was at 12mg and I tried to drop to 10mg. Let me first say that when I do drop in dose, I do it at only at 2mg at a time. We have to do this so our body doesnt even notice the drop.

I wish you luck finding another Doctor. Get on the phone and keep calling untill you find someone.

We are all in this together ~ Good luck !

I just wanted to correct a few things VISION821 has stated in his post, the first thing was about the 30 patient a month thing.. I have never heard of that.. It actually goes like this.. For the first year after the doctor completes the 8hr course to be able to prescribe Suboxone he/she can only treat up to 30 patients, After the first year though the doctor is able to treat up to 100 patients. Basically meaning as long as it is not your doctors first year prescribing Sub then he can treat up to 100 patients, not 30.
The other thing I wanted to point out was VISION821 assuming you get some type of feeling off taking your Sub just cause its an opiate, that is so far from the truth. Ive heard of some people claiming they feel some type of way from taking it everyday but most claim to just feel normal. Last I wanted to say that EVERYONE is different, just because it might take you only a low dose of Sub to stave off withdrawals doesnt mean thats true for the next person. The amount of medicine needed is different for everyone. I know that I would not be able to maintain on anything lower then what im at now, I would def. have withdrawals. There is no time limit to be on Sub either, Everyone's recovery is different and you should stay on the meds as long as you feel you need to be on them, Its nobodys decision but yours. When YOU feel comfortable with coming off of them then you should begin a taper schedule. Whether your on them the rest of your life, 6 months or 2 years, thats YOUR choice, as long as you are no longer in active addiction it doesnt matter. Good luck and I hope you find a new doctor that will work with YOU as soon as possible and please keep us posted on how you are doing.

Hi Rexyboy,

Just wanted to check in with you and see what ever happened.

I hope you found another provider that treated you fairly.

Please let us know what happened and how your doing now.

We do care.