Having an "off" day

I don't know whats wrong with me today.
I am not feeling myself. I guess I just feel ... "off"

I have my Sub Dr. appt tomorrow and I wonder how long will this go on ? I know I've read people have been on Subs for months, even years, and don't get me wrong, I know I'm not ready to get off them, and I'm doing great overall, just today, I'm being hard on myself.
Why did I screw up my life like this ? How did I let this happen? I don't want to let my kids down. I don't want to let my husband down.
I totally get that I'm in a better place today then I was 41 days ago (yea, I'm still counting days). I am living my life again.

But, UGH... I don't like the way I'm feeling today !!

Hey Blue Eyes,
What's going on? How don't you feel right? Don't beat yourself up, we all go through feeling that we have let everybody down at one time or another. Even people who aren't addicts feel this way at some point. This is a part of being normal. Feeling the blah that is thrown at you. In the past it was probably easier to medicate if you felt like this, pull some of your tools out of the tool box and see what you can do about it.
Look at yourself in the mirror, tell yourself how much of a difference you make in the lives of others. I know that since you have been on this forum, you have made a difference.

I don't think your family would change you if they could. Are you going to any kind of counseling to help you deal with the baggage that addiction leaves behind. I know you are busy and have the kids, husband and work to think about. Think about you as well.
Try and get yourself some rest and if you need anything let me know okay
Dee

Dee,

Thanks for the response. I think your right about dealing with feeling this way without the help of drugs.
I also think part of it was because I saw my doctor today. I always get nervous when seeing him. It goes back to being on pills, and I use to worry about Dr's just cutting me off, since they had all the control. I had it happen when I was going to pain management. I had failed the required random drug test and Bam, I was out. You know the panic, when your trying to hook up and thinking you might not get pills. Well, you might not get them legally. There is usually someone around who will get them for you illegally.
But I got my script and I feel about about that at least !!
You asked me about any therapy or groups I belong to. I don't go to any. That's why I was looking for a forum. I need people to talk to that was going through what I'm going through.

Hey Blue Eyes,

What Dee said about not being used to dealing with "life" sober and instead going to your default of numbing with drugs was exactly what I thought when I read your post. But, since I have yet to take my "leap" like you have, I felt like it wasn't my place to say that. So, I understand where you are coming from. That is one of my concerns. That's why each and every one of your posts I read and re-read to make sure I understand what you are going through (or what I will hopefully be going through sooner rather than later). Please keep posting and let us (me) know how you got through it. What you told yourself that got you through it. Or, what someone else told you that helped you get through it. I am intent on watching your progression in order to reassure myself that I am choosing the right path to find my way. And so far,.... that is exactly what you have offered me. Reassurance that I can do what I think I can, or what I see you doing. So, I know to expect "bad days" and the obstacle of having to relearn how to handle them. As I said before, I know you came here for help and support, but what you didn't expect is that you would be a HUGE help and motivator for those of us who have yet to have the balls that you had the day you picked up that phone and made THE call.

Please keep posting, and know that nothing is too trivial or unworthy of talking about. Because every time you post you are not only getting the support you need but you are offering another person/addict the support they need to follow in your foot steps.

I wish you well, and appreciate your bravery and candid nature here. Thank you, you have come to be a huge motivator in my life. Thank you.

Take care,
Karla

Karla,

Your words truly touched me. I feel very fortunate to have you care enough to learn from what I am going through.

After I saw my doctor last night, I did feel better. I also got my period (yea, to much info) and I know that helped with my mood. I had a very stressful week at work also. I think all these things combined and dealing with being clean contributed to my mood.
After I told my doctor that I had joined the gym at work he said something interesting. He said, that although working out is great for my endorphins, I have to work 5 times harder to reach a level of happiness (high endorphin level) that someone without an addiction problem would have to workout. Does that make sense, it did when he said it. I hope I worded it right.
He ALWAYS says, from day 1 that I have to just "be happy" and I'll pull through this. Be happy. Sounds simple, right ? Apparently it's not !!!!
Work is actually going well now. I dont know how I survived there with being strung out on pills for 4 years. I am so much more alert. I find if I have to do something, I just do it, instead of putting it aside untill my head is right. I am also hoping for some personnel changes there. My supervisor may be getting de-moted. (sp) which is a GREAT thing, if it happens. This will make me happy !!!! LOL. I don't wish her unhappiness, just dont want this person, who is not capable of doing the job, have that position. It's a long story, but I'm 90% sure it will go down within the next few weeks and it will releave some stress from my life with having to deal with her on that level.

I'm also looking forward to a much needed vacation in a few weeks !!! Who can remember going away when you were on drugs. Making sure you had enough pills for the trip. Making sure you take only what you have and not run out before you get home ???? OMG !!! How many ruined vacations I had !!!! I CANNOT wait for this trip with my family !!!!!

Karla, again thanks for your response. And Dee, you too for being here for me.